An initial summary

Today I go into my first HRT appointment, the initial labs are done and now all we do is find out how the primary care PA-c is. I am hoping she isn’t a gate-keeper, that will mean more doctors to look for so my fingers are crossed.

What I do want to do now is establish my overall physical/mental makeup. I would post a picture, but I am not ready to come out in case my employers at a very conservative agency come across it. So I will discuss with you.

I am 46 years old, 6’2” tall and built like a linebacker. I weighted 300 at my last doctor’s visit on 3/5/18 and was pretty depressed. Within a week of that I came out to my husband about being trans with positive results. It is now 4/3/18 and my last weigh in is 288lbs last week. Maybe that is a good sign to begin with.

I have muscular legs, but am pretty soft and chubby around the middle with a not hugely developed upper body. I have hair I have been growing out since last November and it reaches the back of my neck from the top of my head. It is that really untidy stage. My hair is fairly untouched by grey, I have a tiny bit on each temple, but only a few strands. My beard is different, it is streaked pretty heavily in grey, but I keep it shaved and started laser hair removal on it two weeks ago.

I am covered in tattoos, full back, most of one arm and part of another with a small one on my chest. I do plan in increasing those tattoos, but I think I want more feminine looking tattoos. I don’t have any weapons or human skulls, although I do have one rat skull representing my husband (I just got that a few months ago). I do have a lot of pretty demon and angel ladies on me. I think I will augment the tattoos and add to it though.

I have incredibly dry skin, we are talking Sahara Desert levels of dryness. It results in a lot of itching. I hear that my skin will get softer and I am weirdly enough really looking forward to that.

I currently have a broken foot so I can’t workout, but I really do want to start doing exercise bike and swimming. That will start in four weeks if I get this boot off.

I used to eat constant candy, bag a day type thing. My husband pointed out it has gotten worse over the years and my depression has too. I suspect they are definitely intertwined. He also pointed out that since I came out about three weeks ago I haven’t eaten anything candy like except for one brownie he made me because he wanted one. The weird thing is I haven’t craved it at all. I used to crave sugar all the time, now not so much.

My measurements are as follows 4/3/2018

  • Weight 288 (down from 300 on 3/5/18)
  • Neck: 19 inches
  • Waist: 47 inches
  • Hips: 49 inches
  • Chest: 49 inches.

I think I will eventually add other body parts, maybe later this week to see what impact it has. I do have a lot of muscle, so I am worried as the muscle melts away will the weight just go away or does it just become fat? We will have to see about that.

Mentally I was incredibly depressed. I didn’t really like to go do anything away from my computer and if I had a bad day I would just crave a lot of sugar.

I am sure part of the depression is that I work at a job that just drains my soul. It pays very well and helps paying down our debt, but the more I work in a day the more I just want sugar. Since coming out I haven’t had nearly as strong urges for sugar, and only when I am working. Otherwise if I am hungry a Yoplait light yogurt does all I need.

I do have a fairly feminine outlook. I do a lot of feminine stuff and dislike a lot of masculine stuff. I like to bake, read romance novels (urban fantasy or fantasy/sci-fi). I dislike working on cars, houses, etc.

I have the hardest time keeping my attention on one thing, I tend to a lot of escapism and I have a set of blender tutorials that have been mocking me (that I haven’t started). I tend to be hungry when bored or depressed and pretty uninterested in doing anything.

Right now I am not physically active much, a lot of that is my broken foot. I do really want to work out, at the very least I want to do an exercise bike or swim. I do plan getting out of the boot and maybe doing a weight circuit to record my capabilities and then every few months do it again on HRT and see if I can tell a change. I wouldn’t mind keeping a portion of my strength, I don’t have huge muscles on my arms to begin with so maybe that will be possible.

Currently I do not dress femininely publicly at all. I am still stuck in the closet as I can’t afford work to know, and to be honest I still very much feel like I am horrible looking when I see myself in a mirror in women’s clothing.

This is just a very scattershot list that I will eventually put on a page that I can keep track of any and all changes. I am incredibly excited, but also there is a lot of anxiety of not being able to get past the middle. I know if I don’t make it, that doesn’t mean I am any less deserving or beautiful, but it still makes me anxious.

I will let you know when I get back what happened.



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