A quick update (day 8)

It has been a full week since I started HRT and things have been going really well. I have surprised myself by keeping up with the medication (I tend to slack, but this I have no desire to slack at all). So the medication has been great.

I haven’t had any side effects that I can tell. I might have some hormonal changes, but if there were any normal issues they were minor. I have had no stomach problems, and other then getting a warm rush the first couple of days I have taken it, there has been no other noticeable side effects. 

During this time my hubby went with me to Ulta and he bought me a bunch of stuff. Concealers, foundation, an Urban Decay pack and misc other things. It was a huge amount of makeup. I cannot tell you enough how fantastic he is. I am fortunate that not only does he accept me fully, but he used to have to use makeup daily, so with his help hopefully I won’t look too lost or too clownish when I try it on.

Speaking of trying it on, I did that last Saturday. I have done makeup before for costuming for games, but never for who I am. It caught me off guard.  It was both a liberating and crushing experience.

I normally don’t have too bad of dysphoria. I know I  am trans, I know I am supposed to be in a feminine body, but up until recently I didn’t think I could try the transition because of how masculine I am. The makeup was my first real big sense of that dysphoria.

I had two problems. The first problem was that the makeup felt right, and it made me feel like I had been missing something that I hadn’t realized I was missing. I dislike feeling I missed out on anything. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to explore much with this and it will happen more, and of course I will have a weird feeling about it every time.

The second part was my first full blown dysphoria of my current features. I normally dislike how I look, but nothing too gut wrenching. Staring at myself in the mirror though, I couldn’t get past how horrible I felt looking at myself with the makeup. I felt like a liar, ugly and I should give up immediately.

It was the first time I had such a gut wrenching reaction and it stunned me. I haven’t touched the makeup since then, but I think this upcoming weekend I might give it a try. I do have to say last Sunday I woke up and I still had most of the eyeliner on and I thought it looked good. That was the first time with real makeup on that I thought it might be ok.

So many contrary feelings, so much drama! I just still have to settle with myself about the dysphoria, which I am sure will be a recurring thought here. No matter what I think I am done writing right now. I will post about the makeup and probably the dysphoria more in the future.

See you next time!

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