Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up this morning at 1am to a horrific panic/anxiety attack dreams that I was fucking the husband over. Not the transition, I am sure this is who I am and who I am supposed to be and I know he will still find me attractive, but the impact this decision is going to have on our finances.


Working in a very conservative profession (auditing, accounting, etc) means by transitioning I am very likely stepping down a huge amount. It is a white man’s world to begin with, then when you add in the fact I am transgender that will push me out of most jobs that are well paying.

We have a lot of debt left, which is almost entirely just student loans (cashing out from the DoD should basically pay all other debt). By leaving a job that pays 80k a year, I am hoping to find something that is 40k, but will probably have to settle a little lower (looks like online accounting jobs might work with the transition). That means 34k a year if I am fortunate (although I am not too proud to take minimum wage, that is the level of job I worked until my thirties when I graduated college late).

It isn’t that we need the money to live, we can absolutely live on husband’s wages (he makes less then me at the DoD by quite a bit, but we always budget to live on the smallest wage and use the rest to pay debts). Once all bills are paid we are left with a couple hundred a month (but my loans are in deferment/forbearance when this happens with me being unemployed) But I worry I am cursing him to a life of never getting the student loans paid off.

A lot of this is of course just anxiety about leaving a high paying job. The reality is the job is incredibly toxic, I don’t sleep much and I never feel good about my job (when we are allowed to do it) so there really isn’t a loss here except a higher income.

However I am in my late 40s and I really need to focus on being who I am these last few decades, I don’t think I can afford to “buckle down” for ten years and be close to 60 before I can transition, so I do think the timing is the best I am going to get at this point. 

Overall I know this is the right choice, but I feel incredibly selfish to be casting my husband into a position where our student loans are so high that we aren’t going to be able to get anywhere for a long time.

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