As my husband would say, “It has started”, the weird undercutting, insults and insinuations of my new and real life from all aspects of my social circles. This evidently includes people who call me their friend.
Saturday I went out with my husband and my friend to a nice little niche restaurant/bar. I had told our friend earlier in the week via text that I was transitioning and she has been the mandatory supportive person you would expect from someone who says they are a friend. I don’t even doubt she thinks of herself as a friend at that, but it doesn’t change her words or actions, maybe it just makes them worse.
I have known her for over ten years. We got to know each other at my job with the state and while we only worked together for a year and a half or so, we stayed in contact since then via text, email, facebook and lunches.
She has been up to this point a good person, supportive, interested in the hubby’s transition and in general been a friend. I don’t know how we became good friends like that in the beginning, but it was something that kept going.
I had told her via text only because she is on my facebook list and I had posted about coming out there (things were slipping out). Things were great and I was looking forward to seeing her, even if I was a bit anxious socially after being out to her on what she might say.
The lunch went well in the beginning. We talked about things, she was happy I was being myself, it was all good. We even joked about the horrible service we were getting at the restaurant, while the food wasn’t bad, that waitress was pretty horrible.
Things were going great and I was talking about facial feminization surgery and the options/surgery that was involved. That is when she leaned forward and said she wanted to tell me something. So I leaned over in anticipation, smiling at her when she said the words.
“I am glad you are getting FFS because you currently make one ugly woman.”
I knew almost immediately she thought she was joking, but it still hit me pretty hard she said that to me. I know what I look like, I know what I have always felt about my looks to begin with, let alone when I put on makeup and dress like who I am.
I saw the hubby freeze for a moment and I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He is incredibly protective over me and it would be within possibilities he would pop her in the head (although honestly that would have been more likely when my husband still presented as female). However, I saw the moment pass on him when he took a deep breath.
We both sat back and laughed politely. I didn’t know what to say, or how to feel. I knew logically by looking at her face and the way she laughed after saying it that she thought she was joking, so I pushed it away and thought I would deal with it later and that it shouldn’t be a big deal.
What really bothered me is I have NEVER EVER insulted her or said anything derogatory, she has some mental health and stress issues and I have never wanted to upset her, why she joked like that to me I couldn’t understand.
It is a big deal it turns out. We made our goodbyes a little later and went clothes shopping for hubby. I originally was going to look for some clothes for myself (I have hit 75lbs+ weight loss and don’t have enough currently) but I stepped into the store and couldn’t do it. I didn’t really want to look at myself in the mirror.
The hubby was so pissed, but he was there being supportive of me. He understood I was going to bail on buying myself clothing, but he was so angry. He wanted me to pick out some things I liked and instead of having a good afternoon before seeing our friends later and shopping I was quiet and followed him around.
I do have some follow up stuff (how she has reacted since, how my friends reacted) but this post is already 500 pages long and I will wrap it up here.
Suffice to say, it has begun as hubby says, the insults, insinuations or just callous disregard. I am going to be fine, but this is the one negative of my future.