Before I go any further I need to put a disclaimer. This post is about genital stuff, mostly about changes, some of which are unexpected. I feel the need to write about it because that is the purpose of me blogging about my transition, all the details of it. However, if you are squeamish or don’t want to know about medical aspects of my genital transition then don’t read any further, I will even put a cut here for you.
To give a little background my dysphoria has centered everywhere but my actual penis. My face, hands, chest, height and even testicles all bothered me greatly, but not my penis. So my goal at this time is to not get a vaginoplasty, mainly because I don’t want to risk losing an orgasm function (it is a low chance, but more than 0% so don’t like the odds).
My goal then has been to get an orchiectomy, remove the testicles and smooth the sack skin so I don’t have to tuck. I hadn’t planned on getting a vaginoplasty so I wasn’t going to have them keep the skin that kept the testicles safe. Mainly I don’t want skin floating down there, it is a cosmetic thing.
I am on testosterone blocking spiralactone and I am aware of the side effects. Reduced sex drive, some atrophy of the penis, softening of the skin, etc. None of those did I have a problem with.
What I didn’t realize is part of the atrophy problem is inflammation and scarring in the lining of the phallus, stopping blood flow on one side at a certain point. The end result of this is a perfectly straight (minus my slight bend to the left) penis until it hits 90% or more erect, then it takes a wild turn to the left.
This happened out of the blue, no injury, no incident that seemed to cause this. The only thing effecting it was blocking the testosterone in a losing fight. The worse part about it is the pain when it is fully erect. Like a very deep bruise or sprain, but like I said only when fully 100% erect, even at 80-90% it is straight and fine.
The pain part is what worried me, I mean what happened if I broke it and didn’t even know it. So in the surgical consult I had this week with my urologist I brought it up. Evidently it isn’t uncommon and the bend could become worse, or possible go back a little depending on what happened over time. The curvature wasn’t what bothered me so that result is of little concern, the pain was my focus.
For the pain he said that could be up to another 6-12 months, but that it usually recedes. Evidently the blood flow stopping constricts the ability for the penis to expand on that side, so it prevents it from growing on the left side, while my right side happily keeps going, being pulled at an angle when it gets too happy.
I had expected and accepted the atrophy in the size, I hadn’t really caught on this was part of the atrophy. There are things they can possibly do once it settles, including snipping a section of the stricture and hoping it can expand again, or restricting the other side. However, I am not worried about the curve right now, once again it is the pain I don’t like. That part is just something to endure for the time it takes.
My worry is the possibility the pain won’t go away. The husband before his transition was told that his genital pain from a different condition would just go away eventually, then two years later he was told it was normal and they wouldn’t do anything, while my anatomy is different down south I do have that worry.
The end result was I cancelled the skin removal section of the orcheictomy that I wanted (detailed post on the orchiectomy plans is forthcoming). That skin is used as the most successful way for a vaginoplasty. I think I am going to keep it around even if it is just hanging out, that way if the penis doesn’t stop hurting I can consider just going all the way. I have no problem with having a vagina, I just didn’t want to risk losing sexual feeling, but the pain is enough that I would rather that risk then permanent feeling I have now.
So folks, when they say atrophy, they don’t just mean size reducing down, it can mean curvature and pain issues. Something to think about. Although none of this gives me a second thought that I am not on the right track. This is who I am, and it just is another challenge to overcome.