09/18/2019

Anxiety

One of the things I had done during my FFS was cheek implants. I originally didn’t think I wanted them, but the doc talked me into and to be honest she was correct. I think they look great, and I am really happy.

The left cheek implant has always bothered me during the healing contest. Not heavily, but enough. It was the last to stop swelling after the initial surgery, the skin tends to tighten around it more so occasionally if I smile there is a stretching feeling, but this is all within a normal parameter.

Several weeks ago I noticed when I feel my cheek from inside my mouth, my left cheek feels more jagged on the edges then my right one. It could be a stitch, or just the way it healed. However it does give me a little anxiety about it.

A couple weeks later I was talking to my nurse, she asked for me to get pictures of the inside of my mouth and send it. I did so, got some good pictures and sent it to her. She replied it looks fine, but she would show the doctor… then I got an email asking for me to make an appointment for the doctor to see my mouth when she comes up to Portland (they are in Phoenix, but were going to be in Portland as they expand their offices).

The doc said it is fine but she would like to look. That of course makes me nervous as well but I have an appointment on September 20th.

Fast forward to a couple days ago I noticed it was spread out a little more in my mouth (still looks fine externally). Yesterday it ached and swole up a little (both sides do this occasionally,its just a natural part of healing. This morning it is a bit more puffy, I don’t think its infected but I worry.

My biggest anxiety breaks down into a few things.

I just don’t want to incur any more cost of having it removed, waiting six months and putting it back in. I am already tanking us financially and doubling or tripling the price of my cheek implants is freaking me out. This doesn’t even include the cost of flights or time off.

I am worried about what I would look like without the implant, whether its just temporarily for six months while it heals or if its permanent. Will the skin over the implant sag, will I have a more gaunt look in my face, will I totally fail looking cute.

This week was the first time I ever looked in the mirror and saw myself and really liked what I looked like. I mean I totally thought I was cute and there were no negative thoughts (except for the dislike of my skin apron from weight loss, but that will be fixed). Then this happens and I am worried I am on a downward spiral.

So here I am anxiously unsure what is going to happen and how to go about it. The sad thing, I am aware it is probably nothing at all and things will be fine, but that anxiety is still there.

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