In the Middle – the Penis

This is a TMI warning to everyone. The following post is about my masculine junk that sits between my legs. No one talks about it, and I found some transitional things out the hard way, so I figure I would post about it to those who are curious about what really happens.

This is my viewpoint, only my experiences. Other trans/nonbinary people (MTF, FTM or nonbinary will have different experiences). You are warned from this point out. Also, this post is JUMBO, and I don’t apologize for it. It’s a complicated subject matter I haven’t really talked about before… but I am sure I will talk more in the future (also JUMBO is an inside joke you will get if you read this).

The story of my penis is not the standard narrative most AMAB people have. My penis never really got a cute name or was it treated separately from me, it was only ever just my “penis”. Even now as I transition, I refuse to use the word clit, or any other non-conforming title. It is a penis, whether it’s on a girl or a boy, for me it doesn’t change what it is. I respect whatever other people refer to their genitals, but for me it is a penis.

Ok it isn’t PC, but it is funny. Since I am the girl with the penis I am remarkably comfortable with it.

Growing up I have always had a dislike/hate thing for my penis. It never dawned on me until I was older that it might have been dysphoria. Instead during my childhood, I just disliked it. I thought it was too small, that it was shaped funny, etc. I didn’t have a reference for other penises at the time so I couldn’t place what bothered me.

When I became a teenager, it was worse. I had always felt something was wrong, and my assumption continued that I was too small and that other guys would laugh. Turns out that isn’t the case, but once again I avoided shower rooms and any place that left me naked with boys. I was involved in a LOT of sports as a kid, so this made it awkward as well, and eventually when I was 14 it was one of several reasons, I stopped playing sports.

Yes that is me in the upper left-hand corner.

I had several offers from girls in my teen years to have sex. To be perfectly honest I really wanted to do it, but I was terrified of them seeing my penis. It is partially why my husband and I didn’t hook up at 17 (way before his transition as well). I kissed a lot of girls, I got a lot of girls asking me to have sex (including when I was staying a friend’s house, showing up at 1 am asking me to fuck them, and other times they brought a friend). This isn’t being told to brag, I am telling you this so you can understand how much my penis (or them seeing it) freaked me out.

Eventually at age 19 the hormones couldn’t be stopped, and I had sex. I ended up dating the girl for a short while and I found out a few things. The first thing is that I by far enjoyed giving oral sex to the woman over penetration itself. It was my absolute favorite thing to do (and goes the same with a male I dallied with once around the same time, I preferred touching them over them touching me).

The second thing I found out is that I wasn’t like most guys. First, because I wasn’t circumcised, and women definitely found that different. The other thing is that I was shaped nice, but I was actually on the top end for size. This resulted in my first girlfriend always calling me “Jumbo” to my friends… Yes, she told all of my friends about my penis and its size. I once had her younger (16 years old) sister start calling me that… that was fucked up, but at 19/20 I didn’t know how to handle it.

Being endowed isn’t as cool as you actually think. It gets in the way, it’s disappointing when a girl says to stop because it’s too much, and anal sex is almost always out of the question. It was almost as embarrassing as thinking I was small.

The other thing I found out after I began having sex was that it would take forever for me to climax. Not a good for the girl “forever”, but a long enough time that even women said it was too long. Sometimes (and as I got older, more and more times) I couldn’t even get off with penetration. Once again, this was another dysphoric thing that I didn’t realize was because I am transgender. So many of these pieces make sense now.

It was around this time that I got together with my husband (I have had some partners since then, we are an open/poly marriage, but he is the one that has been my steady partner). He has always been interested in touching me. Over the years though I have felt bad because I honestly didn’t like being touched too much. It was always difficult to climax, I always felt embarrassed and that something was wrong with me down there, and I found I truly just like pleasing him instead (or being touched on my butt, but that is a whole different subject matter).

For decades as I shut down all external interests,  I assumed I was demisexual, and more and more I wasn’t interested in outside partners and only interested in doing something for him. Doesn’t mean I don’t get emotionally attached or interested, but I just didn’t want to deal with my penis and other people.

Fast forward to age 46. In the intervening 25 years, I had a circumcision due to injuries, I had my vasectomy, my sex drive declined (which was a big deal because when I was younger I wanted sex all the time, especially if it wasn’t involving touching my penis) and things just weren’t going good. By this time, I knew about my dysphoria, but I never thought it bothered me that I had a penis. That is a weird cognitive dissonance I realize, but I was always more bothered by my face, shoulders, and hands then my penis.

When I came out and started transitioning, the hubby and I had talked about my penis and if I wanted to keep it. If I was able to snap my fingers and get a fully working vagina I would have done that in a moment and never looked back. The problem is, vaginoplasty can take multiple surgeries and there is a not-small chance I would lose the capability of orgasm. Even with my penis problems, I like orgasms, so I decided to keep my penis. I find women with penises hot, and once I started transitioning my penis bothered me less. So, it seemed like it was working out and I would just keep it.

Once I started transition some things did happen. First, my testosterone skyrocketed even though I was on hormone blockers and estrogen (also my estrogen tanked even further). This resulted in some awkwardness and a lot of arguing with my PCP and changing doctors. Eventually it was decided I needed an Orchiectomy (removal of testicles) to give me a chance at lowering my testosterone (I was maxed out on blockers I could take). I also found with all the hormonal issues that I wasn’t as driven by sex, I didn’t get erections nearly as often and I didn’t take too much advantage when I did. That first year of transition was rough.

After the surgery things went really well. I was less bothered by my penis, and my sex drive only went up (it is now at high school teenager level a year later), contrary to what I was told would happen when I lost my testicles, I was ready to have sex. For those of you transgender women, you don’t necessarily lose your sex drive, your mileage may vary.

This is where there are complications they don’t explain happened. The lack of testosterone over the first year, even if you can still get erect and interested will shrink your penis. My penis was now getting erect again, regularly, but it was significantly smaller (although I am told it still is above average). I was ok with that, but now I developed what is called Peyronie’s Disease.

DO NOT IMAGE SEARCH WITHOUT KNOWING THE PICTURES WILL MAKE YOU CRY! THAT IS THE ONLY WARNING YOU GET!!!

Basically there is a failure in the tubes that fill with blood and make you erect. It resulted in the tubes on my left side being blocked, making the left side of my penis only extend so far, while the right side extended all the way. This means the penis itself gets curved severely to the left, especially the more aroused I get.

This curve is incredibly painful when fully erect, as in I am unable to touch it after it has been erect too long and when it gets too big. This makes it hard for direct so penetration to happen.

The hardest part is that it also becomes erect when I am doing things that don’t involve my penis as well, so I get super excited playing with someone and as soon as I am done doing what I am doing my penis has been too hard for too long and I can’t use or even touch it without being in a lot of pain.

The initial hope my orchiectomy surgeon had with this side effect was that the pain would pass after about a year. The curve would still be there, but it wouldn’t hurt. Sadly, I am that small percentage of patients that the pain doesn’t go away (in fact it has gotten worse over this year).

I got a hold of him and he explained there were three possible options to fix this. The first was to clear the blocked tube and let the left side expand to its full size. The second was to block the right tube so they both the same size erect, which would reduce pain, but he warned it would reduce the size as well. The final option was to get GCS.

We are scheduled to see the surgeon in June to go over the specifics, but overall the plan is to first attempt to clear the blocked tube. I would prefer to fix what was wrong as opposed to blocking the other side. It has the side effect of saving the size of my penis, but honestly that is a secondary consideration.

If that doesn’t work out (and there is a high chance of failure) then my plan would go back a second time and get the right side blocked. The loss in size isn’t a big deal and the lack of pain would be awesome. I would love to use the penis and have orgasms, that would be great as well.

The final option is to get full Gender Reassignment Surgery and get a vaginoplasty. I would love this to begin with, but the risk is the loss of ability to have an orgasm (plus sometimes you need 4-5 surgeries to get it right). However, at this point that is a better option than to be in constant pain every time I am aroused, so it sits at the end of my list. I am sure I will talk about each of these possibilities more, I just wanted to give you an overall view here on what being in the middle is like.

If I get GCS, this is the steps…

There were a couple of things I didn’t expect to happen with all of this. Like I mentioned above my sex drive has shot up and is super high. It has been like this for a year, so I don’t know if this is what to expect as I keep going or if it was a plateau at some point. My family has a fairly high drive overall so I am expecting it will probably stay.

The other unexpected side effect of the lack of testosterone was how I would feel about my penis size decreasing. I still don’t really like my penis much, but there is a part of me that is bothered I am smaller. It makes no sense, I would snap my fingers for a vagina right now, but talking about how its smaller then it was does have a small uncomfortableness. I am sure this is a direct machismo/toxic masculinity idea that was ingrained in me by society from birth because it makes no rational sense.

It’s funny how much toxic masculinity even now I am fighting with.

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