I have been posting to social media as a transwoman now for 4 years. The last two are when I have hit my stride, and while I don’t pass, I can look pretty good sometimes, and I think it is just slowly getting better. In the last two years I have gotten a lot of attention from primarily cis males. This is especially true with any selfies or pics of me.
This doesn’t bother me too much. Most of the attention is good, with lots of reaffirming or friendliness. I also meet many trans people this way (especially some damn cute trans guys), so all a positive in the end. The negative doesn’t bother me because they are usually douchebags from the get-go and I just mock roundly and block.
The ones that contact me via DMs are the hardest though. I don’t check my dm’s much, and when I do, I am bombarded with requests. In general, nowadays most of my DM’s are “hi,” “hello,” “your hot” or other trite stuff, and I don’t respond. I have met a few people who talk back and forth on social media, so it worked out for the best. Then there are the other three types that sometimes can be hilarious, confusing, and uncomfortable.
The first type is dick pics. The hubby told me about this issue before his transition when he would get them frequently. I understood, but I truly didn’t understand as a cis-appearing man. Now I get constant DM’s with dick pics. Mostly boring picks and I usually ignore them. The interesting pics are usually funny ones with the guy trying to gyrate in the bathroom; funnier than hell but I do resist the urge to make a snarky comment or get the hubby to watch (I think I need to do that). If the guy isn’t trying to use it to be aggressive, I don’t really want to cause any more issues between him and his penis. Also, I get that it is inappropriate anyways; my upbringing as a feral boy is probably translating bad into an adult older trans woman. The final dick pick type of guy is the neg guy who sends a dick pick and then says something degrading, I have fun with those.
Usually, I start with a snarky comment or act completely dumb like I didn’t understand it and make them explain it; the explaining thing makes them uncomfortable, and the majority ghost me immediately. The snarky comment sometimes pushes them away; sometimes though they chill or they might push back. The pushing back part is my favorite. It usually ends with me telling them my dick is bigger than theirs, even after an orchiectomy and 4 years of hormones. This pisses them off, but sadly none of them take me up on the offer to prove it. I guess they don’t think they couldn’t handle that confirmation.
The second kind of DM is written adoration, praise, etc., above and beyond the normal “you’re hot.” I never know what to do with that. First, it is a little creepy, you don’t really know me, and I always feel like I don’t know what they want from me specifically. This is even worse when they try to Facebook money to me or offer things. I have returned facebook payments, turned down offers, etc. Seriously dude, don’t send me $500 because I don’t want to feel like you have a string on me, even though I could take it and move on.
Don’t get me wrong, I would do the Only Fans thing if I was younger and more in tune with myself. I think sex work is absolutely legit, and I have known a lot of sex workers who made really good money, or if not good money at least they could do and live like they wanted. However this isn’t Only Fans, and I am not putting myself out there as a business, so it ends up with this all feels wrong communicating like that though in the DMs. I didn’t put myself up there for that, and the typical cis male acts like I put my pictures up there to attract his attention.
Sure I wanted attention, but I am probably more interested in someone who is not a white cis guy. Trans men have been super interesting, but I suspect that has to do with I am comfortable around them and I don’t second guess myself as much.
The hardest type of adoration I have gotten was a song written about me. It is still in my DM, and I don’t believe it is a nasty song, but I can’t get myself to read it. Way too embarrassed, and then the person asks if I like it and I can’t even respond because I don’t know what to say. It is creepy, but the guy doesn’t seem like he meant it like that, and isn’t that what the movies tell us is the big deal to do? I don’t want to make someone mad or upset for doing something for me, even though I didn’t ask.
I haven’t touched that whole thing yet; I’m not sure I will. This is weird because as anyone can tell you that has known me for some time, almost nothing make some avoid people or situations, but evidently, that does.
The third type of DM is the angry shouts of “Why don’t you talk to me!” or “I know you are there”. All from usually cis white guys who sent a DM earlier and didn’t meet the criteria for me to respond, or I simply forgot I get DMs and when I open it, I find 100s of them there and just deleted them all because it is too exhausting to even address.
Ultimately, I am not afraid of their anger and lashing out. I suspect in real life, even as I look now they wouldn’t do jack or shit (not including if they have a gun though). However, this makes it clear how many men think everything is their playtoy and how much danger women and not aggressive men and enbys are just by default. It makes me anxious about a smaller person who might have to deal with that DM guy in real life. It also clearly puts into perspective the fear or at least trepidation of all the women I have known since I was a teenager.
When I was a teen, I dismissed most of that as “well I am not one of those asshole guys; why should the trepidation be aimed at me.” When I was older, I realized some of the dangers and didn’t feel or say that, but I still didn’t understand. Now living as a (trans)woman for the last four years I have a different view, and I truly feel sorry for not realizing it and being supportive even at age 17 when I first met Wolsey and later when I first started dating women.
I would totally cut off DMs, but part of me feels guilty about doing that. I don’t believe anyone else should be forced to respond to a person’s request, I just can’t figure out how to feel that way about myself. A stupid Catholic upbringing with the requisite altar boy and bad touching experiences did help keep that guilt locked in tight on me, I thought at 19 that I was fine, and none of it had affected me now at 50 I can see this is all one big conglomeration of shit.
Not really any big insight here, just venting out loud and sharing with everyone. 🙂