10 and 20-year challenge

At the start of the new year, there is always a 10 year (and sometimes 20 years) challenge where people post photos from different time periods. I am starting to really like myself so I thought I would do both of those. In addition, I am going to post my first “almost sexy” pic as a girl online. Ya I am probably just being a teenager here, but I am happy with how I look, so fuck it!


The first picture is of me at the mall just before we went to our first and last poly meetup, it was full of creepy people, including creepy women that wanted to tell me that they had just fucked five guys the night before.

Don’t get me wrong, the five guys thing doesn’t bother me at all. I have no problem with people having sex with as many people as possible. The objection I had was telling me this in her loudest voice at Alfy’s pizza without even introducing herself. I am sure she was trying to get me to realize she was available, but all that did was shrink me down. It was way too crass and way to loud and interrupting of other people.

The second photo is from me about a month ago at the age of 50. It is a normal day look while I work.


The left photo is of course pre-transition at the age of 30. We lived in an apartment on Texas street and this was right before we bought our mobile home. For some reason I have a few naked pics of me (or at least in underwear) from when the husband and I got together, then a couple here 8 years later, and in the last year I took a few just because it was the first time I felt like I looked ok.

That last pic is of me a few weeks ago when I got one of my favorite bras. I would have posted a full-frontal pic but the glare from the lighting hit the picture wrong and it is just a horrible picture, so you get a side pic.

So that is what I looked like 10 years ago and now in normal clothes, and an almost sexy pic from 20 years ago and a few weeks ago. In both, I am pretty stoked about who I am now.

Interesting is not a good way to describe a day.

Yesterday was an interesting day (January 5, 2022), but not in a great way.

Most of the day went great, no concerns at work, the hubby and I are doing awesome and weirdly enough most of our deliveries we thought lost arrived (after they were refunded). I even called back to ask them to cancel the refund for the cat food and they told me don’t worry about it and keep it with no charge. So that was good.

The one “interesting” and frustrating thing is that W’s car got broken into. We suspect I probably left it unlocked, but either way, it got prowled, everything was pulled out of the glove and trunk compartment.

The fortunate thing was all they took was a jump startihjng emergency battery kit we had, about $10 in ones for when we give money to panhandlers/those in need and they rifled the paperwork (can’t find the registration so not sure if they stole it or it got trashed).

No real damage, no real loss, just frustration at the “luxury” apartments we pay too much money for rent has management that won’t let us keep birdfeeders, that has people breaking into cars, and that charges so much for a 560 square foot apartment with washers and dryers from the seventies and electrical that blows a fuse everytime the microwave turns on and our heater is on.

We are stuck in a loop right now apartment wise, we need to pay down our short term debt and we are waiting to see if the government employee program for student loans pans out before we know if we are looking to buy a place, or just saving up until we hit 55 and get a place in a retirement community (I am voting for a retirement park and to own a mobile home again, I really miss our mobile home in Bellingham, not Bellingham itself mind you, just the home.

Either way, this situation will pan out and we may move in August to a nicer apartment until the housing situation settles, but we won’t really know until spring if/when we will get out of here at least.

Just a pic from yesterday

January 4th, 2022

The biggest thing to happen yesterday was for me to hang out with my hubby! Work went well and we got to be near each other while we did our respective job, but the highlight of the day was going on our walk.

The light of my life!

The rest of the day was working on this year’s monitoring assessment (basically the next couple of weeks are me figuring out which agencies I need to monitor/audit and in what order/level of risk). Lots of audit planning in other words.

That being said, I think I am going to leave my report for yesterday to just be me posting my pic of my hubby W.

I love you hubby!

Matrix Resurrection and January 3, 2022

January 3, 2022

Yesterday went pretty well. First workday back with a full workweek in a few weeks (due to the holidays) and life went really well. Got support from my boss on a difficult audit/monitoring project, that was stressing me out all the time I was off. So work itself, going swimmingly.

After a good day of work, I was able to get to the store and see other people for the first time in almost three weeks. That was a nice thing, even though everyone was kind of crazy and obviously had cabin fever of their own. I only went to the store to get some creamer (you don’t want me without coffee) so it wasn’t a real trip outside.

I felt pretty good about myself yesterday, there is W working in the background. 1/3/2022
Continue reading “Matrix Resurrection and January 3, 2022”

Christmas Trees

Obviously, I probably won’t post daily… as is evidenced by the two days that passed without a word from me, but I can keep up on photos and I can still give it a shot (one of the two photos last post was from 1/2/2022 so I am still caught up).

January 2nd, 2022.

Sunday was fantastic though, the hubby and I just hung out while he cooked food and I ran him games. That is a perfect kind of day for me. It helps push away my mental health fight and gives me some peace and quiets the gerbils in my head.

I also put away the Christmas trees. That was a kind of fun adventure. It started at the beginning of December where we couldn’t find the normal tree we use, and to be honest it was a pain the ass last year so I thought we had dumped it.

Continue reading “Christmas Trees”

First day of 2022 in the bag

I am not really down for resolutions this year. Yes I want to post more (daily would be awsome, but I would take weekly), yes I want to work out and look good in the summer with my new body, I want a million dollars.

What I need to do is find something good every day. I think that other than my awesome husband, and my awesome therapist that is third in line for working on my mental health.

So here it is, day one, of 2022. I got to spend the entire day with my husband, we gamed, we laid in bed a lot, we hung around in the living room a lot and I ran a game for him.

That alone truly is why I have already won at life, and every single day I get with him just adds another win. No matter any other result or other anxiety, I got better than 99.9% of the people out there and I am greatful for that.

Also I want to post a photo a day, here is one from the first two days of 2022 :). She was attached to holding my boob while she slept on me today and the other was her asleep while hubby and I were in bed yesterday.

2021 Holiday Time

Happy Holidays everyone, my Christmas was great. I got to spend it with my husband, best friend, and lover (lol yep they are the same). My hubby has made my life bearable and I can never express to him how much I treasure that.

He is my life. Here he is saying hi.
Continue reading “2021 Holiday Time”

Tangent: Weird Childhood Memories 1

I often have memories that are sometimes funny, serious, concerning, or just weird that I can’t remember what explicitly they are from, or have any real context. Of course, my therapist says a lot of that is probably my childhood trauma, or situations I don’t fully remember, but a lot of times they are just weird memories.

One of those weird childhood memories was what I assumed was a dream or something. It was a heavier german soldier on top of an Alpine Ski Car being kicked in the face and bleeding everywhere before falling to his death. It didn’t scare me in a scary way, but it had some weird fascination on my part, probably because I have a fear of heights (although not afraid of flying… go figure…).

It is one of those hundreds of memories that pops up unbidden when I am just waking up, extremely tired, upset, or just in a weird mood. It wasn’t a horrible memory, nothing that caused me distress at all, just a weird fixation. I knew it was somewhere in my very early childhood that I had either a dream or seen something.

Today I found where it came from by accident, a 1968 movie named “Where Eagles Dare” starring Clint Eastwood and a bunch of other actors from that time.

Ok, the movie isn’t nearly as cool as the movie poster shows…

I just saw the scene when Richard Burton (a famous old days actor) was kicking the face of a German spy and knocking him off. I think what stuck with me since childhood was the German spy screaming for help. This is definitely the chunk of the movie that for whatever reason I never forgot.

The exact part of the movie that has stuck with me for 42+ years… weird.

I am sure I saw it on tv with my dad when I was young (under 11 or 12, probably 4-8 years old) when we lived at Twelve Pines Apartments in Everett. Now that I saw the rest of the movie and think about it, I remember it being a sunny day with that cool but sunny spring air that Washington State gets. I believe and we were sitting in the living room apartment of our first apartment in the complex (we lived in two, the second one we moved into when my brother was born in 1980).

You can tell that is the old living room because out the window is the very left-hand side of the playground area that is near the building across the street. Also, that is me sitting on the couch (in both pictures). I will have to go back and fix these photos for the future.

Since it was before 1980 it means I was 8 or less, and that fits now that I think about it. It wasn’t a scary movie, scary memory just a weird image that I would sometimes remember. It makes me remember my dad this morning too. It isn’t a sad memory, we always sat and watched tv together in the morning while he drank instant coffee.

I sit here now super early in the morning, drinking instant coffee and I do miss him, a little sadness just crept in, but that being said I am grateful to have that memory and now I know where it came from.

I promise I am alive

I swear I meant to keep up, but life gets busy and my medical stuff has been on such a high level of visits that I haven’t had time. However, I think I want to catch up a little before I start moving forward with new subject posts.

I just looked at the website and evidently I am not quite as far behind as I worried about, what has happened was Thanksgiving. It went fantastically. I got to spend time at home with the hubby, and a full thanksgiving dinner including an updated yams recipe that he does really well. So basically I put on about five pounds, but they are happy pounds and to be honest my ass is starting to look pretty good, and I got actually feminine hips.

You get a face pic because I don’t have a pic of my ass or hips… yet.

Work is work, I work from home 32-40hours a week (it is 32 due to medical appointments when those weeks are 32). I have been able to put aside a particularly horrible monitoring/audit and move on. It is true we will have to go back to it, but the break is nice. Also I want to say my coworkers have been decent. I have some pretty supportive coworkers, and the rest leave me alone which works for me.

Medical has been a little rougher. I am falling down regularly. two or three times a week as in full floor smacking, and a couple times a day I catch myself but no damage or fall. The weird thing is I don’t feel dizzy, I am just moving and next thing I know I am on the ground trying to figure out what the fuck happened.

The one thing about it that truly worries me a little is over the last couple of weeks I had a hard time getting back up. Last week I face-planted off the tv cabinet and laid there for a moment. I couldn’t get my legs to respond (actually I think it was only my left one). It was only for a very short time, but for a few seconds I had to concentrate and almost “feel” for my leg. It doesn’t happen all the time (the leg not responding thing) but that is a new development that does make me uncomfortable.

The other non-transitioning issue I am dealing with is the vomiting multiple times a day. Been happening for years, but it is just wearing on me. I have seen multiple doctors and been through multiple tests only to have no definitive mechanical problem except for some esophagus laxity and motility issues where it connects with my stomach. Sadly the cardio-thoracic surgeon hoped the new testing would give him a shot at fixing it, but no such luck. He is willing to fix the hernia in the future, but until the vomiting is under control he is worried I would not keep the hernia repair. Not sure where I am going with this problem except go back to my GI specialist and maybe find something else.

I do know one thing though, my anxiety makes the vomiting worse (I don’t believe it is the cause, but it contributes). So judicious use of edibles does seem to help (and is probably how I put back on 5lbs that I needed to gain). Sadly for my anxiety and vomiting that self-medication may be the only way to do it (I don’t want schedule drugs to fix it, not worth it.

Oh and I broke my temporary crown the Tuesday before thanksgiving. I have no pain, I was fortunate I only got the filling part that broke, but next Friday they are going to have me come in to start the real crown process before it gets worse. Damn all those medical problems I put off for decades are all rushing in at me. 🙂

I guess that is the “quick” catchup of my life, mostly whining about medical, but that is ok. If I can keep this up I can talk about transition stuff, and happy things :).

Happy 29th Anniversary My Love

I evidently didn’t hit publish the second time….

I just want to scream from the mountains, trumpet from the clouds, all that jazz, on how much I love my husband. He has meant everything to me through all the years. Both as my spouse and my best friend. While we have been together longer than 29 years, I am grateful to celebrate it with you.

My love forever!!!!

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