Counterstrike Drama

Ok, here is the lowdown. for those of you who didn’t know I run a Counter-Strike clan. Basically its an online video game and I am responsible for about 12 people on a team as we compete against other teams. Well we ended up friends with a clan called PiS, I have always thought overall they were pretty cool but some of them have always been kinda wierd.

Thier leader “Carbon” however tends to get online while drunk, slap people around and treat his server as his own little fiefdom. I like him though so I never bothered to tell him I hated playing on his server because of the following reasons.

1. He has lame ass mods on the server, the stupid ass extra blood actually gets in the way of trying to increase your skills in the game (it makes huge amounts of blood spurt from you if you been shot and seeps through walls and stuff and generally reveals where you are at, and this is never used in a match).

2. Its not-Friendly Fire, which means you cannot hurt your own teammate, once again this is an opposite setting of the leagues we are in so it actually makes us less good at shooting the enemy without hitting our own friends.

3. Many of the admins for PiS are assholes and kick/slap/slay/ban for no apperent reasons

4. The maps are stupid ass custom maps that also dont have anything to do with matches

But I have endured litterely day after day of phone calls from “Carbon” bitching and whining about the server, about the host who rents him the server and about everything in general. Mainly because I like him and I am a nice guy, however everyone else in the house has started to call Carbon my girlfriend because of the frequent calls. However one of my members ranted about the server on our “flames forum” and Carbon freaked out. Now he is all whiney about how I would let someone express thier views and he wants nothing to do with us and he “forbids” his people from hanging out. Exactly where does his ego think he has the ability to tell someone who they can or cant hang out with. Its funny and pathetic at the same time.

Damn I am glad I dont have any whiners like that in my clan.

Sorry I just thought it was funny and I wanted to actually write somewhere why I dont go on thier server (because it sucks) but I didnt want to post it on the forums in an “official capacity” here I can vent and its personal 🙂

besides I wanted to post another day in a row and this was a fun subject.

Dream and update

I had an intense all-night dream involving me being a “Jeckle and Hyde” type creature (I thought it was a “Hulk” thing at first). I was a murderer when I was a human but when I became the monster I felt remorse and tried to help. There was a lot more to the dream then that but I have been up for about 2 hours and have forgotten most of it. Maybe I will start a second journal just for dreams.

Other then that, things are going well, I am waiting to hear from the mini-mart but I got a feeling the reason they asked me to wait til Monday to find out was that they hired people and they wanted to see if they would work out before they gave me a final answer.

Tomorrow I am going with sage to see Tomb Raider 2 and probably go back to looking for work Wednesday (if I dont get hired today). I also need to call Manpower and bitch at them for not calling me in for temp work.

Overall I dont really need to work, its just nice to have the extra money. There are some things I want to buy for the wife and being broke doesn’t help.

My dad is really pushing I should try webdesign to make money (currently I have helped out several people with thier sites) and maybe he is right. I will think about it.

Other then that I am listening to the wife snore in the other room. She is soo cute, it always has this little birdie sound to it. Sometimes it just amazes me how much I love her, even just sitting and listening to her snore.

well thats it for now. I am starting to post more so you should read more shortly.

Getting old and hurting

Well I have been up since 5am. I had a job interview at 7am so I didnt bother to go back to sleep. I went to the interview with my back hurting like a dickens (limping along the 6 blocks to the mini-mart) I got there at 645am and they saw me immediately.

It looks like it might be a decent job. Its minimum wage with no pay increase and its 15-25 hours a week but they have a slack dress policy. You can wear T-shirts, have huge earrings and as long as your clothes are clean and not holey its all good. They also work around school schedules and were totally upfront in that they dont expect anyone to be “permanent” its a dead end job and everyone knows it. They should be getting back to me today or at latest tommorrow (either if I get it or I don’t).

My back has been hurting bad last two days. I think its partially the chair (its a good sturdy chair but isn’t very “supportive” of my back. Our computer desk is  very high off the ground (high enough I cannot comfortably put my feet on the ground and I am 6’4″ tall). and there is nothing to rest my feet on. I may in the fall after Weylin moves out move my computer to a more normal “chair height”, my only problem is that the wife did such an awesome job of installing the counter top our computers are on that I feel bad moving it. Then again we have had that computer top for almost 3 years and I don’t think its bad to maybe want to change after that long. If wifey wants to keep the counter I could move the server there. Once again this isn’t a final decision but one I am thinking of so I can use normal office chairs instead of the “bar” height chairs.

Today I have to get Weylin to confirm if he is paying September rent or not. Either way its no biggie he is my friend and one of the best roommates we ever had so if he stays thats cool, it means we get a bit more money, if he leaves by September 1st thats good cuz it gives us the house to ourselves which is always good for a relationship. Either way is good but I always for some reason feel bad asking about that. I dont want him to feel pressured either way.

Gaming is going well, we are playing this Saturday some Shadowrun and I have to get everyone to commit to a Blood Bowl night. Not sure whats going on with Matt’s game but we will see.

Well thats about it for now, update some a little later.

Upcoming Easter 2003

Well, this quarter has gone pretty well, I am doing good, except last couple of days we are covering material in math that isn’t in the book and I am having a hard time grasping, oh well this is the last week of no-book use so I probably will stumble on the test on Friday but then I move on :).

My mother goes in for neck surgery tomorrow morning but I can’t be there because of the stupid math test, that really slots me off. I will rush over there after school and hopefully be there before she wakes up. The funny part is my dad just had that surgery two weeks ago and they both will be wandering around with huge neckbraces. I will probably take pictures of them and good-naturedly make fun of them.

I totally forgot this upcoming weekend is Easter. Weylin may go down and visit his gf, Dunk can’t make it up this weekend and my little brother won’t be able to come up because he is taking care of my parents. this means if Wey does head out I will probably cancel the game this weekend because it will be less then half the players available (also my wife may also not be able to play).

Damn I hate holidays, they screw up my gaming, I guess if I was religious this would be a big deal (especially since I grew up Catholic and Buddhist (at different times)). But personally, I think all religions have it wrong, there is something out there, I believe in good, I believe in bad but I definitely believe man-made religions are a piece of crap. I don’t see why a creator that supposedly is all good would require people to be subservient to it. I figure the important thing is you leave good memories. 

Wow, I am tired and I don’t know where that came from so I will move on, I am off to class, all of you have a good time.

WOOT

Well just had to post that my CS Team Innsmouth Taint had a solid victory last night (15-9) against another clan called Wasted. We had excellent CT’s strats and decent T strats. In the end we had won about halfway through the second half so then we ended up just playing for fun (we had already reached 13 round wins) so our score would have been better but for the last 5 rounds we just screwed around.

I got a good feeling, honestly I didn’t expect us to win because the whole team had not practiced together at all and a couple members (me included) have only played an hour or two at the most in the previous week. It just gelled together well.

I had a different clan mate scold me for not having our team practice but honestly I dont care if my team wins or losses (I normally am always stuck on the “bad news bears” of whatever league I play in) I am just happy to play. I think our overall relaxed attitude is what helped us because in the beginning Wasted started winning but it didn’t bother us and soon we were taking the rounds. Sorry it probably seems lame to most of you to joyously be happy, but I am old and this is my only recreation 🙂

WOOOT

On other news my father goes in for neck surgery today. They have to carve a hunk of hip bone off of him to replace a vertebrae. Now I know working in the medical field that this is a standard procedure but it still tweaks me out. I will go to my two classes today and then head straight over to the hospital. I really would just like a whole day off, yesterday was one of my long school days (8 hours) then I had to go to my niece’s 6th birthday party then I had a clan match then I had to do a ton of homework, now today is starting out just as busy, this sucks.

First day of class

Well, I have survived the first two classes today (I have/had a three hour dead time between second and third class). My first class is the next level of pre-calculus, moderately difficult although this time I decided to sit in the back (I haven’t sat in the back of any class in school since I was a senior in high school in ’89)

Damn I read that now and I realize I am older then most of these munchkins. My precalc class is taught by Katie Stables, she is really nice, but really strict and fast in her class presentations. SO far this is the only class I think will be hard.

Right after pre-calc I have my ever easy Anthropology 102 class (I needed filler so I could attain full time status, I dont have the pre-calc class under my belt I need to progress in my major, thats the precalc class I am taking now). The teacher seems easy going the class is large and it seems like it will be fun. ITs a very basic pre-history anthro class. We only have 3 tests in the entire class (each worth 100 pts, multiple choice with 50 questions) and a 6-8 page paper (which I could do in my sleep in a week of not so tense studying).

He said we could be creative with our paper and if we wanted to do a more hands on type of approach he would accept equivelant sized projects. We need 5 sources (hell the History 387 class I had last year required 12 sources and was 30 pages of content, plus intro page and bibliography) we can pick any anthro/archeological topic that deals with humans or human prehistory. We have to have one valid “anthropological source journal” after class I asked him if I could use “Scientific America” as my source journal (plus a few other lesser sources) he looked surprised at me, I have flaming blue hair right now and last night we bought the most badass buckle/laceup boots (pretty cool looking) and I was wearing my light “Revolutionary War era type jacket”. I think he was dumbfounded I even knew what “Scientific America” Magazine was (let alone we have an ongoing subscription to it, me and the wife.

Meanwhile the entire time an underclassmen girl (pretty cute) kept asking me questions and wanting to know if I ever partied. Even though she was cute she is definately not my type. I dont believe in going out with younger girls unless they are within a few months of me, otherwise they just dont do it for me on a relating level. Back to the point, the professor also said if I had as much content as a 6-8 page DOUBLE spaced (so about 3-4 real pages worth) on a website he would accept that as well. I will write up the paper and if I have time convert it to a website for the extra points. But thats it, one lame ass paper and 3 simple multiple choice questions is all we have for our grades. I am estimating a pretty good grade for myself out of this.

Now, my third class is a little more leery, its being taught by Professor Garfinkle who is a really nice guy and knows alot about ancient history. However its a 400 level History class on Ancient Imperialism (focusing on the Roman Empire) I am excited about it but I am sure its going to make me cry by the end of the quarter (I had to buy 5 primary source books on the subject of Rome, for those of you who dont know what that means is we are using 5 books that are used by Historians about Rome, its very dry and detailed reading, kinda scarey books actually). The cool thing is Garfinkle in the last class I had with him was anything but boring so this should be ok. Damn gotta go to his class in 40 minutes, at least I have one super easy class.

Yes I know everyone asks me why did I pick a 400 level history class about Rome’s imperialism when I could have just picked a 100 level geography class. Its because I love to learn about ancient societies and this level of class is about as close as to learning about Rome as you can. Besides the more I learn about ancient societies the more I can flush out the histories for Dying Light.

As a side note I am beginning to coalesce an ASP database driven site that will allow people to update/make characters, search for anything in the histories and monster manual and basically make the Dying Light website about as interactive as you can ever get, yes the DL website is down currently but when I get closer to getting done I will put it back up).

This is what we wanted to do with Legacies when we owned it, but at that time I didn’t understand the coding it takes to do it. Hopefully if we start dying light in a year or so I will have the database fully interactive and it will reduce logistics down to a 1 man job that will take less then an hour 🙂

Sorry that was a side rant and I am being a post whore today so I will end my entry with giving you the knowledge that I am sooo exhausted because someone next to me in bed decided to use my armpit/chest side as a receptacle for thier fist. I think I am getting a bruise, we all know who to blame for that right?

I am tired

Ok, I have had about my last dream of being poor (dreamed all night that we were living under a bridge, lol this probably has something to do with the wife’s rant). I am tired of not being able to buy my wife decent things. I am tired of not supplying her with the stuff she needs to sew. I am tired of looking in the fridge and wondering what the hell are we going to eat now and in general I am frigging tired of no money.

This may seem random but for almost two years now I have been a student, lived on loans and been poor as shit. I am tired of the fact that we don’t have a car because we are too poor (dont get me wrong, going to school we have found we don’t need the car and we get along well without it, but I am tired as hell of being stuck in a house on Sundays and anytime after 6pm).

I am tired of finals, I am tired of 18 year olds that I have to listen to who tell me how they have seen life. they haven’t seen shit. I am tired of teachers that dont give a damn, dont help thier students and in general are just fucked up. 

I am tired of having to save up so once a month me and wifey can go to Denny’s. I am tired of not being able to repair my computer. I am tired of my teeth fucking falling apart and I don’t have the money to do anything about it. I am tired of everyone telling me “you only have two more years, (ya right, its closer to 3). I am tired of in-laws that are freaked out at me, I am tired of sisters that only call me up to use me. I am tired of friends who end up owing me money and weeks later still cant finish paying me.

Funny thing is I have gotten my forth notice from the military trying to get my interest (lol I would figure they dont want a 31 year old, chunky out of shape guy, but I guess they get desperate). I have seriously considered this. I am sure the spousal unit doesn’t think I take it serious  (I have) but right now I am sooo tired of not having a steady paycheck, I am soo tired of cranking out 12,000 of debt every year and I am sooo tired of not being able to afford shit.

I am seriously considering at this moment of going down to part time (6 credits a quarter – so I dont have to start paying back loans and I can continue my education at a slower pace) and going to work full time so we dont have to borrow any more money from the government and so we can afford to go out to eat, buy things we want and have some enjoyment. I am too damn old for this shit to be this poor and not try and fix it.

I am also damn tired of everyone telling me to not stress, by far this fucking pisses me off the most. They dont have to live in my mind or my situation, most of these  people can always go back to mommy and daddy, yet for some perverse reasons the gods have decided to have me born into a family that i have to support. Unlike every fricken one else that i know.

They all have parents they can borrow from or at the very least the parents are able to take care of themselves. Me, I am born into a family where I have  to support my fricken parents because years of drug and alcohol abuse have fucked them up, their bodies and their minds. I mean don’t get me wrong I  love them and thats why I try and support  them when I can (and when I make enough money to buy land I will move them on to it) because I do believe in taking care of them, but I get soo damn tired of everyone else just patting me on the back and saying they understand. No they don’t, lying pieces of shit.

I am friggen tired of being poor, at this exact moment I am not sure what I am going to do, but I need to alleviate our money problems.

Sorry, I am going to stop now because now I am just winding up tighter and getting angrier and its not something you guys deserve.

Dream 2-14-2003 (Happy Fucking Valentines day)

Ok, I just woke up from a fucked up dream so I figured I would start writing them down.

It was afternoon, I think it was Bellingham but its hard to be sure. The wife and I walked into this small shop that contained a lot of alternate lifestyle (eg, punk not gay) items. They had a lot of books, rings, whips, etc just about anything I could think of. The people that ran the shop were a couple. A super skinny alternative looking boy and his girlfriend who was also super tiny.

They both were mostly unclothed, barely had enough clothing on to be allowable in public, but I didnt mind to much. We wandered around the store, there were some cool things but nothing outstanding. Of course the guy was long winded and had the “I am so cool” attitude and was dismissive towards me, focusing all his energies on the wife (this should have been a warning sign to me, but all I felt in the dream was an annoyance at him, the way he acted to me is very similar to the way most of the people Doug and Jay hung out with acted towards me).

Meanwhile the cute punk girl was jabbering to me about things, I really wasn’t going to buy us anything because we were broke but I looked up and the wife was picking up things she liked so I was going through my wallet, its rare when the wife wants to actually buy something so I generally like buying it.

She brought over a large stack of stuff to the guy behind the counter, meanwhile the girl was jabbering to me quietly about different books, etc. I was leafing through a book when out of the corner of my eye I see The wife pull the boy’s pants down and start giving him a blowjob. I looked up confused for a moment, the punk girl was right next to me and mostly naked now, I got the impression at that exact moment that I could have sex with her if I wanted and nothing seemed untoward about the situation.

All of a sudden the I got the same exact gut wrenching feeling of rage that I haven’t felt in a long while, the urge to cave the punk boy’s head in .

The rage hit me so hard I immediately woke up incredibly angry and hurt. I still am feeling the same angry buzz I felt that night. I just don’t know why I am so upset.

I will stop now, I have no idea what I am doing or saying and Weylin just woke up and is roaming around so its not a thing I wish to dwell on. It was just a gut wrenching dream and I felt I needed to start a dream journal to maybe work through some of the fears/feelings I get from the dreams.

Feeling like crap

This morning I woke up feeling like shit physically, mentally and emotionally. I probably will call the boys in a little bit and cancel hanging out. I think I got a cold, combine that with the shit my sister pulled and the stress I am feeling about my dad being in jail all in all makes me a nasty guy at the moment.

I hate the world and I am just hoping someone gives me lip so I can beat them into the ground (ok I wont, and I know thats a bad thing, but thats the crappy mood I am in).

I am a little stressed about our car situation, its not for me or the wife, we both do fine without a car, its my mom, she has some major surgical stuff coming up and my dumbass meth-head sister is never reliable to her or my dad. I get worried on how she will get places. I probably wont try and get the car fixed, its just something I am a little fixated on and worried about.

Brother, me, mom, sister – January 2003

I have thought about it and I have to put my tattoo off til at least March (unless I get a job before then, then I can spend money on Tats). I do have the money in my pocket for the outlining of it, but I dont feel I can contribute that money for it. The wife’s back is hurting and she is saving up for a mattress that will help, and honestly as far as priorities go she is my ultimate number one priority, I would drop anything in my life for her needs and would kill someone for her if it was needed (and there are people out there rolling their eyes about that, lol its funny because its true).

I lucked out when I found someone to be so devoted to that she doesn’t take advantage of it. She needs a good mattress and her feeling better physically means she is happier which in the end makes me happier.

I am also slightly frustrated with my clan, dont get me wrong I have a reliable core (Yog, Astarte, Deep One, Tsathoggua, Nng and a couple of others) but the rest only bitch about wanting admin access and how they try to split hairs on the requirements for the clan. I have the strongest urge to go through and fire 50% of the clan just to par it down, but I wont. I feel I need to do it right and give them every opportunity to show me they want to be in it for any other reason then admin access on the public server.

If finances are poor next quarter they will be surprised when I reduce the server to a 12 man private server for matches only, Some would say but “Lilith is already paying for a 12 man private server” but if I reduced it down I would have her stop paying as I think its my responsibility to provide the server and no sense in having two private servers unless we branched out into DoD (which I wouldnt mind). On a good note practices have been extremely good, a large turnout and people seem excited about the upcoming competitions. I think Nng is right, I am too nice sometimes, maybe I will cut that back.

As for the rest of my personal life in this crappy mood I am in consists mostly of C++ projects and ASP.Net projects (which when I learn ASP will rock, because then I can program a database for Dying Light that is self updating and completely set up so anyone can access thier characters on the internet, buy thier own skills and print out thier own tags before game. Thus reducing Logistics to new players and me maintaining the database and ensuring no errors occur. WOOOT totally automated and accurate logistics I can not even imagine that.

Well Crappiness is still with me, better contact the boys.

Dad in Jail

Well, its Saturday afternoon and I am exhausted.

Its been a long week for me. I found out December 30th that my dad got busted for old DUI warrants from 4 1/2 years ago and now he is in jail. On top of this the next day he went before the one judge in all of the county that hates his guts (the judge specifically reversed the order of the cases so my dad would go last, even the Bailiff was a little weirded out about how the judge did that).

The rub of this is that this was also the last day this judge would be around, he was retiring starting the next day. Not only did he slap 1.5 times the normal bail, he then turned around, doubled it again and told the court that my father could not use a bail bond for his bail, he would have to post with cash only.

Now even with all these hiked up numbers it comes to only $7,000 but no one in my family has that kind of money so my dad sits in jail. I got to visit him today, actually he was much better looking then he has for awhile. They don’t allow smoking or drinking in jail so my dad is starting to feel better (he has emphysema but keeps smoking like a chimney). He looks healthier and he has a lot of his old energy. I am pretty sure that in the end this is the best thing that could have happened to him because it gets his past behind him and now he will deal with the results and move on.

Jimbo (L) and Dad (R)

It was a pain in the butt to go visit though, I hate jails (when I was a kid he got in a lot of fights and was in jail a good amount of the time) and of course this brought back all the old memories. I have been in a black mood all day and probably mostly due to this experience (anticipating the trip to  visit my father in jail). Well its over now, I feel remarkably better, he seemed happier if you could believe it.

Don’t get me wrong, my dad is an awesome guy, he just likes his alcohol alot (probably the biggest reason I dont drink, alcoholism runs in the family pretty badly). He is pretty intent on quitting drinking and smoking (which may sound like something anyone would say when in this situation but he normally will not admit to quitting anything longer then “a few weeks” this is the first time in a long long time he has told me he intends on quitting permanently).

So on the way home I used some saved up money, bought two steaks, some salad makings and some mushrooms to use with the steak and I plan on cooking the wife some dinner later tonight, too exhausted to do it right now. Maybe I will go play some CS.

I am getting heavy eyelid syndrome so I will sign off now, everyone have a good day.