Hubby Nightmares

I figure it is one thirty in the morning and I would relate what happens when my husband has nightmares.

He has these nightmares every so often. The external noises start off distant and scattered, some sort of faint noise coming from his throat as he sleeps. In the beginning I didn’t know what that meant, he was a small girl who doesn’t make a lot of sound (pretty much the exact opposite of me). Yet these screams would build up and becoming terrifyingly loud. Now after his transition the sounds aren’t any less bad, just a deeper tone.

The starting whimpering sounds are not pleasant. They come in waves actually, I have them figured out now. If I am not awake enough at the very beginning I am sometimes unable to move as they continue to grow louder. I end up panicking trying to move knowing it will be worse the longer I wait. They become this horrifying nightmare scream that totally fucks me up. The kind of sound someone watching something truly terrifying would make.

I immediately will lean over, rub his arm, hold him, kiss his head and reassure him and he whispers something like he loves me or something else small and rolls over to go to sleep. Usually that is it for the night, he sleeps and half the time he doesn’t even remember anything.

Yet here I am at 1:30am not going back to sleep at all because that noise freaks me the fuck out. His being in pain has always freaked me out and made it so I couldn’t sleep or do anything else but worry on him, but the nightmare sounds are the worst and I lay in bed terrified after waking him up and him going back to sleep.

The funniest part is sometimes he surfaces in his dreams after the nightmare and he doesn’t remember, he will pat me and ask me if I am ok or if I am sleeping well… My thoughts are usually “I was… til you had a nightmare”. I don’t say it though, but I do usually give him a hard time the next morning when I am looking exhausted and he is usually his normal self.

General Update and Cheek News

I have been quiet lately, not that new things haven’t happened, just that I am exhausted. However, wanted to get out some of the basics while I had some moments.

The last couple of weeks have been especially bad with insomnia and nightmares, mostly me not being able to protect people I currently care about, or who passed away already. This results in me getting up somewhere between 00:30 and 0300 for several days, unless I crash every five or six days which case I sleep until 4pm (which is later than normal for me). This leaves me grumpy and tired. Fortunately my husband is pretty forgiving.

I did get to meet a nice transgender lady while I was at work. I was actually on lunch at Thea’s park and I am sitting in my car throwing peanuts out for the crows and seagulls. I see this lady pull up beside me. My first thought was wondering if she was a trans lady. I glanced at her, she glanced at me and a few minutes later she motioned for me to roll down my window as she asked me if I was trans.

That is when I met Hazel, a nice lady who is a local and has been doing this a couple years longer than myself. She seemed nice, we chatted and exchanged instagram accounts. It was nice meeting someone like myself. It is funny, I have met a lot more trans guys than gals. This is primarily because for 5 of the last 6 years we were focused on hubby’s transition so it was guys who came out of the woodwork (especially about accidentally gay and the website). It as just nice to meet someone like me.

Yesterday we went down to Portland to check on my cheek with Dr. Ley. The trip down was actually pretty cool. I live to just spend time with my husband. I realize a lot of people hate traveling with others, but 3 hours each direction with my hubby is enjoyable to me, especially since I don’t drive so much anymore.

We got there and there was a bit of a kerfuffle finding the office. Met a nice trans girl named Libby and we helped guide her to Dr. Ley’s office as well. I walked in with Dr. Ley and she didn’t even recognize me from my surgery four months ago. The facial changes she made, plus the hormones, new hair color/style and my long skirt gave her a blank stare at me for a few moments.

I intentionally didn’t choose my best most recent image, the recent image is my “average”.

She was nice and realized who I was soon enough after I started talking. After telling her some of my concerns she reached into my mouth where I noticed the real thingand I saw her visibly hesitate when she felt the “serrated edge” feeling the cheek had on the inside. She apologized for any pain as she crushed up whatever was sharp feeling.

She admitted she had never felt something like that before (my body heals weird). She was worried at first that part of the cheek was exposed inside my mouth but relaxed when she realized it was fine. She ended up clearing me and saying my cheek was healing well with no problems, that was a relief.

We then stopped at the Bantam Tavern, just a couple of blocks down where I had fish and chips and a couple of Whiskey Punches to celebrate. We then came home and I got to spend more time with the most important person in the world.

There is my favorite thing in the world.

Of course I am back up at 3am this morning, but I feel a bit better as I fell asleep earlier. I just wanted to get this written down (I have already forgotten the dream I wanted to talk about, all I remember was me desperately searching for a large oxygen tank in a garage that had slipped under all the carport racks). So here it is. Hopefully more will be coming. 🙂

Apartment Gathering (dream)

I fell asleep this morning on our slightly comfortable couch after a lot of insomnia. It was the first dream I remember was end of last October.

We were living in an old apartment, it was above the first floor (but not top floor) and it was about 3 in the morning. We had a ton of people were in the apartment visiting, which in real life is extremely unusual. Several people I liked like Trisha, Kailey and some legacies/dying light people were there chatting away, it was almost the start of something like the parties we did use to host in Bellingham.

There were also several people over visiting that were maybe friends of those people, but who I didn’t have a clue about. They were kind of snotty, annoying, made themselves too much at home and would not have been invited by me, but they were with people I liked so I let it go. I need to make a clear note here though, everyone was about my current age, not actual age we were when we played dying light/legacies.

This went on for a little while when there was a singular older guy just on my last nerve. It wasn’t anything specifically, but he was kind of a whiny white guy twat who just bitched about everything. It was that weird entitlement you see in some boy gamers, along with the whole “friends’ zone” vibe he kept giving off. He should have been wearing a fedora. He kept trying to one up everyone in the stories when it was clear to everyone that he was lying about his experiences.

It was at this time that I noticed everyone kept coming in and out of my living room window from the outside. It didn’t make sense for a few moments in the dream since I knew it wasn’t street level outside.

It turns out that they were hanging on one of the rooftops around the building. We were in a similar apartment building to where I lived as a kid where there was multiple stories and roofs/ledges you could climb out on (more like a giant old mansion building where there was 1st, 2nd and 3rd story roofs scattered, depending on the location of the apartment).

On about the fourth time they are climbing back into the apartment I realized I had neighbors and I told them to get their ass in the apartment and off the roof, and to keep their voices down since the clock said it was 3am. There were murmurs of people not happy with that decision, but I didn’t care.

That older whiny guy whined some more for several minutes, and I sort of lost my shit, I told him to get the fuck out of my apartment, it was my place and I didn’t know him from jack anyways so he could go pound sand. He was really tugging at my last nerve and funny enough I didn’t feel bad about saying it after it was out of my mouth (I normally do feel bad even if they deserved it).

He sort of threw a hissy fit and started to act like I couldn’t do that while his friends were here, that was until I got closer to him and instead of getting more physically aggressive as would be my normal mode up to a few months ago, I pulled out my phone and said I was calling the cops if he didn’t get the fuck out of my house. Not sure what brought this change in tactics for me, I don’t recall being any shorter, but maybe I was skinnier like I am now and didn’t have the bulk.

Then everyone started packing up, I wasn’t sure if it was one of those things were, they all had caravanned in so had to go if he went or what, but I didn’t really care. However, asshole kept taking forever to leave my apartment. I stood up and told him he has 10 seconds and started counting down. I pulled out my phone and started dialing, this is when he still bitched but headed out with everything else without too much of a struggle after that.

A little relieved I watched as everyone left. I then turn down the stairs to the bottom floor and on the second set of stairs I see coming up are another large group of people, talking loud, and I dreaded they were heading for my place. The only one coming up that I didn’t dread was my mom in a wheel chair at the front of the group. I was caught off guard because I think I was half awake and realized she was dead and shouldn’t be there.

That is when I woke up disorientated on the couch with the hubby asking about the socks (ok I think he asked after I woke up, but it is all discombobulated).

Answers to questions I don’t know… and spiders (dream)

I am sure this dream was mostly an anxiety dream, but it bothered me because I don’t cheat on tests, in fact I have horribly flunked tests, but never cheated. Here I was doing it.

I was sitting on what appeared to be a park bench like table. My class was being held outside and other people were taking a midterm or final and I just sat there watching, and I couldn’t find my question sheet.

For some reason I decided that was fine, as everyone finished they gave their answers to the teacher, which looked a lot like a friend of mine named Dunk. He handed me the answers and asked if I would watch out over them. He then left, and in my hand were every person’s answers to the twenty question test, but instead of single sheets of paper, each answer was put on tiny, post-it note size pieces of paper so I had a stack of hundreds, one with a single answer by a single person to a single question.

I still couldn’t find my question sheet, so I set the answers aside, waiting for the other people not part of the class to fade off. I figured I could copy the answers, and that would be that. The sad problem is people kept walking up, asking what it was I was holding and I kept having to “vague answer” them.

By the time I was alone the answers to the questions I was holding were tattered, worn and I am pretty sure I lost some of them. I went over to where my car was about 10 feet away. It was parked up against and under some old building, so the hood went under.

That is where I noticed these spiders were spilling out from the building onto my hood and windshield. They weren’t big spiders, they were tiny, ugly looking spiders.  They kept whipping silken threads to catch the wind, floating up towards me in a non-aggressive yet yucky way.

I was so annoyed and I was trying to deal with that, with tiny and very ugly spiders floating up to me, and some sort of liquid running onto my car from the house. I still couldn’t get to the answers and it kept gnawing at me that I wouldn’t be able to even start answering because I had no questions, and everyone else’s answers were scattered, ripped up, now burning and of no use to me.

Then I woke up, decided that was enough and here I am going to bake my friend a cake (second attempt).

Bad bosses dream

Dreams Road SignI am starting a new job today (one that knows I am trans and seems to accept it) so last night was filled with hard dreams.

I woke up from a dream this morning, around 2am. It involved me starting a brand new job in an office. It was incredibly regimented, and people were always freaking out. A coworker who sat next to me at another desk was a large black man who reminded me of my previous boss I just left (except she was a she).

He looked over at me and told me that I would have to take breaks at 1130am every day, no exceptions and it is required. I laughed my ass off at him at first and told him that isn’t true. He continued to demand it and I told him I am not “working at fucking mcdonalds” and you aren’t going to regiment me on every little thing I do.

At some point I stood up, told him to fuck himself he wasn’t my boss and we would be stepping up to the next person line of authority. That is where I woke up.

manager

I can tell that relates back to two different people. The first was my previous boss. She wasn’t flexible on my start/end times. It was a silly rule because I couldn’t cover anyone else’s position (I am the only auditor in a group of accountants) and they couldn’t cover mine.

It was the ONLY white collar job I have had since graduating going on 11 years ago that isn’t flexible on start/stop times. The advantage of auditing is there is no customer service, and as long as you are in at a core set of hours (many times 9-2, or 9-3) they don’t care if you come in earlier or stay later then that to make your full day.

She also wouldn’t let me work extra hours on some days to make up for medical appointments on the other. There was a whole ton of other small things, but those are the big one (and I agree not the worst in the world), but my Oppositional Defiance personality has a hard time.

The other boss is from the DoD. He told me to do things that were not what I considered ethical in testing on a DoD Contractor. He didn’t want to deal with the problems I was finding. I told him no, I am pursuing it and he really didn’t have the authority to stop me since that was my actual job.

He kept pushing and pushing and griping. Eventually I told him we could go talk to the station chief to clarify it if he wants. He talked big about we don’t need to bother him, I just needed to listen to the doofus supervisor (himself). I stood up, told him to fuck himself eventually, said we are going into the manager’s office and he could decide.

fuck you

The shocked look on that person’s face was priceless. We eventually went in (stormed is probably a pretty good word) and I laid out what I had found. The supervisor all of a sudden started backing down in front of our big boss. Big boss agreed with me and that was that.

Now I realize it seems weird I can tell my supervisor no, but that is because I am an auditor. As an auditor I am responsible as a professional to not veer my audit on outside pressure, that includes my supervisor if I feel we are not following “due diligence”. That was what was happening, he didn’t want to find more problems and I told him you can’t just stop looking when you find problems.

There are a lot of other small things like this, but that is why I like auditing. I can pursue problems I see and have upper management usually back me (now, whether they support it because the contractor has lobbyists is a different story, but above my paygrade and not something that was my issue).

There you have it, an anxiety dream taking two different incidents from my last two jobs to make me anxious for my new one.

Dream – The Nod

just got up from my first bad dream that I remember long enough to write about in awhile (I think its the first in our new place). I am still shaking from it as a matter of fact.

There was a large group of us at this older house. It was some people I knew, some I didn’t. It wasn’t a full party, there was a little drinking but nothing big. As a group we all talked, laughed and things went well enough.

The group decided to go to a new house, and they all went out the back door to go over there. I found myself at that time unable to follow them easily, I was at the front of the house (outside) and found myself in crutches with a broken foot. I am sure was reminiscent of last October.

I struggled outside trying to go around the house with a hill with weird steps that had appeared. I eventually got up and over and to the neighbor’s house with a lot of swearing. Once I got there the party had become more serious, a lot of people were drunk or high.

I looked over and saw my mom laying on the floor. At first I thought she had fallen (she was older in the dream) and I ran over to check on her. She was making absolutely no sense. I asked her a few questions and realized she was high as fuck.

Even as I stood over here, yelling at her so she could hear me and pay attention she could only half look at me and tell me its all ok.. while using my brother’s name for me. She was on a huge nod from getting high.

I was so angry, the kind of angry I have been at my parents for getting drunk when I was young. A couple of the others around me quieted down and got serious (I think they noticed my mood had changed) as I rifled through mom’s pockets.

I pulled out a series of fancy labeled vials (it looked professional packing, like you bought it from a store) and kept asking her where she got it. A couple of people nodded to me, they knew the answer and I put the vials in my pocket. She was trying to talk to me, while she was as high as fuck, and I just patted her and told her don’t worry I would find them as I got up and was getting ready to kill something.

I woke up so angry and hurt from this dream. While I am sure the dream came from the homeless guy I gave a buck to yesterday outside Target. He was on a nod with a sign. He needed money though, so I don’t regret it, although I didn’t anticipate this as a result. The weird part is my parents never did heroin, or anything that puts a person on a nod. It was alcohol, with pot and sometimes coke or acid.

Even now I am hurt, angry and missing my mom at the same time. With both parents passing away a couple of years ago I haven’t really dealt with it much. Too much work issues, husband’s transition surgeries and finally I just wasn’t ready. There was too much other stuff in my head to deal.

The anger and hurt reminded me a lot of when I was a teenager, how angry I was when my parents would drink. I was angry all the time and I think that was probably why I was like I was. I suspect all the things are going to start coming to the surface, especially since I never have truly dealt with my parents drug use and alcoholism and how it impacted our family.

I don’t know if its because my headspace is changing with my transition to female, the hormones, or just exhaustion (probably a combination of all three). It has become a lot harder to shove my feelings inside me, and I haven’t figured out the best way to handle how difficult they are to bury.

I guess that will be part of this journey, and sadly I suspect this won’t be the last dream of this kind either.

Weird Trailer Diner (dream)

Just woke up from a weird dream freaked out, even though nothing too scary happened.

A group of us had arrived at a diner, it was an incredibly busy and was tiny, maybe 7-8 tables packed with people. These were more like small kitchen tables shoved around then actual diner seating. The weird thing is the shape of the diner and the way it looked had a resemblance to the living room/kitchen of the mobile home I used to own. The big difference was a lot more windows, and there was a side door that went out on the side of trailer towards where the pond would have been.

A group of people cut in front of me after it was my turn. I was frustrated and wandered around this cramped diner trying to figure out where to sit. The people that cut in front of me included a shorter, stockier blond guy who sort of reminds me of a coworker who likes to insert himself into everything… in the dream he just smiled at me and sat down to eat. I was so damn angry at him for cutting, especially since he knew he cut in front of me. However I didn’t want to make a scene so I kept looking around.

Meanwhile the rest of my group had taken their seats and ordered and begun to eat.  I am by myself pissed as hell, trying to figure out where I can squish when the food I ordered appears in my hand (I can’t remember if it was a waiter or if it just appeared). I find a corner to stand in and begin to eat, pissed off the whole time. I couldn’t even tell which table my group had sat at.

That is when there is some sort of commotion. People are freaking out about something, but whatever it was I haven’t seen it. People start sneaking out of the diner through that side door I talked about. Some sort of blueish creature seems to be wandering around and people are getting caught when they are outside and hauled up to the side of the diner, under what would be our overhanging roof/porch area.

Asshole guy gets up and starts freaking out, running around. Meanwhile I sit down and just start eating, thankful that a place finally opened up and I can just relax a bit. I am uncomfortable and I know its dangerous but its a nice break. The lights in the place go out and whatever that thing is comes into the diner itself (or maybe it was there the whole time, I couldn’t tell) and starts doing weird martial arts side flips going after Mr. Ass. He freaks out trying to get out while I keep eating, debating how I want to leave. The whole time I was hoping the thing would eat Mr. Ass’s face… that wasn’t nice and not my normal reaction.

Then I wake up actually a lot more freaked out then I felt in the dream. Heart pounding, wondering what time it was and what was going on. I realize this is probably me working out what is going on with work, but still it was annoying.

Dream: Blankets

Last night I had a lot of dreams, most of which I can’t remember. There was an anxiety to those dreams that I suspect comes from my toothache and my foot fracture both hurting (yes, they found out Friday my foot is still broken from October).

The one dream I remember has to do with my dad. He was a bit younger, maybe in mid-late fifties and he was just chatting at me. He was concerned about something for me and we just kept talking in what I think was a living room in a house.

He insisted that I needed to learn how to fold the blankets and he handed me some of the blankets we used when I was a child. It was really important for him. For some reason that made me sad

From Parents Photo Album

There was a part of me of course wondering in the superstitious part of my mind if he was trying to tell me something, but I know logically the only thing that might have been telling myself something was my subconscious.

Either way it wasn’t a bad dream, just a bit anxious. I am sure it has to do with my health stuff and coming up and the anniversary of my dad passing. Either way, this morning is going pretty well if a little tired. Full of me looking at what to do in the future.

Almost larping (dream)

It was a seemingly innocuous dream, but for some reason it bothered me a lot.

The hubby and I were with a group of people, some of whom we know from other larping events. We were all discussing a new larp and we found that it really wasn’t a very interesting thing. The weird thing is hubby was still my hubby (yes still Wolsey), but I can’t remember if this was pre-transition hubby or my new improved hubby. All I remember was he had short blonde hair and I still remembered him as my husband, not my wife.

This is how hubby’s hair appeared, but I think it might have been post transition.

Then all of us plus a bunch of new people were sitting at a restaurant, it appeared like some sort of Denny’s or Sharis. It was sunny outside, not super warm, but warm enough that no one was bundled in hats or heavy coats.

Hubby was still there talking, and I was working on something about a larp, or maybe it was tabletop, but I do think it was a larp with a map. I was marking a map indicating how we the group should travel. It started somewhere southwest, went west to the coast, then up the west coast and into Canada.

I couldn’t tell you why but I was so pissed about something. Nothing had happened in the dream, but it was there.

All of a sudden hubby got up with a group of people and started walking away down the street. He hadn’t said a word to me and I was confused. I started to get up but he indicated not to make it a big deal and let him walk off.

So I just grabbed my backpack and started walking the other direction super pissed. Even in the dream I wasn’t sure why he was walking off, for some reason though I absolutely hated the group he was walking off with, no explanation in dream why.

That is when I woke up.

Overall the dream lasted most of the night, although I did get a good amount of sleep. The annoyance I felt in the dream was reminiscent of some of my larping times. Mostly it was when the hubby (pre-transition) would wander off with a specific player/character at a game. That player, let’s call him E, was a douchebag to women.

It wasn’t that I was jealous of my then wife roleplaying dating someone else at the time, it was specifically him that set off everything.

Wolsey had in-game dated others and it never bothered me, but for some reason this dream set off the feelings of dislike I had for this one gentleman, even though there was nothing about dating at all in the dream.

I think I will unpack this today and maybe post something reflective later.

Dream: Pug

Yep, another post about another dream.

Trigger Warning: Not a pleasant dream (not bloody, but not pleasant).

Last night I had one of those dreams that skips across drifting awake and back to sleep.

It lasted over several hours but I couldn’t tell if I had dreams in between of different things. It wasn’t a horrible dream for almost all of it.

It took place somewhere similar to Bellingham, a green smaller city lacking the heavy traffic of Seattle suburbs. There were lots of trees, it was quiet and smelled clean.

I spent most of the dream wandering around residential neighborhoods. It was the hubby and myself with bit parts of some of my friends and a lot of characters I didn’t know. It all seemed to take place around this large residential apartment building.

The building itself was probably 5-6 stories tall and it was one of those stairs only apartments. On the outside of each floor ran a full size balcony/walkway. People’s apartments opened up onto the balcony, with an almost five foot tall railing.

Each floor was like this except 5+ stories tall with wooden railings.

The dream had some bits about a small outbreak of zombies or something, a bit urban fantasy like in its setting. We were running around and doing stuff. This whole time though was an older man with a black pug dog, fairly young dog I think, but not quite a tiny puppy. The pug was on a small cart the man was pushing around, like a flatbed cart, but smaller and could fit on the walkway. The pug was constantly being pushed along in a flatbed cart.

Evidently I knew him and talked to the man a couple of times. He resembled my father-in-law a lot except with slightly asian appearance (not sure as someone awake how that works, but that is how it was in the dream). He was always talking cute to the pug, saying things like “aren’t you a good boy, lets go get  so and so”.

The dream continued on with small things, even the zombies or the smell of them occasionally wafting didn’t bother me at all. However we were up on the fifth floor and the gentleman with the pug was racing around with the cart playing with his dog raced by me, stopped to go around the corner and the pug slid off the cart and over the balcony.

I froze and I all I could think is “Holy fuck, the puppy” and I ran over to the edge and I could see the pup down on the ground below. He was sprawled out, no blood but not moving either. For some reason, the picture of the sidewalk that was parallel to the road with a grass strip on either side stuck out to me. I grabbed the person next to me as I looked at the gentleman and I could see a look of horror. I started yelling for the guy’s niece to go to him as we ran downstairs.

I started running downstairs and that is when I woke up, trying to launch myself off the bed.

I realized where I was and that the hubby was still snoring, but our cat Ghost was staring at me like I was crazy (he was sleeping between me and the hubby). I laid there for almost an hour before getting up and writing about it. Still bothered me a lot, more than a lot of the horror, blood and guts dreams I sometimes have. Even right now my heart is still racing and I am stupidly worrying about some pug that only exists in a dream.