Oh… (dream)

I always hate it when I sit to write out the specifics and the details area already drifting away like smoke you can’t keep in your hands. I also hate that in order to capture as much of the dream and not change things I need to post it ASAP.

Wolsey and I were in my parent’s living room. I don’t think it was the one that my parents had last for the last twelve years, I think it was our old place I lived at on High Street when I was 18/19 and when Wolsey and I first started dating.

I think I was my current age and I was sitting there talking to someone I wasn’t very familiar with about my nieces and nephews. I can’t remember which of them it was specifically that it was about, but I was telling someone else that they needed to watch over the kids in case something happened to us (me?).

The dream kept flipping to another scene where the hubby and I were walking through a set of alleys and I kept carrying them. I say them because I don’t know if Wolsey looked like a boy or a girl, but it has never mattered. There were some large mud puddles and I carried Wolsey across them and kissing him while walking him and after we got across (not sexy kiss, just the habit I have of kissing him softly, randomly for no reason, I am sure he gets tired of that after multiple a day.

I just remember how light Wolsey was, but I don’t know if that meant Wolsey was still presenting as female and I was as male with how easily I carried him, or if he was sick or something. Although I think it had more to do with him just being much smaller than. me, so maybe it was just a memory of how I used to be much stronger before transition?

I would then be back at my parents living room, with Wolsey sitting beside me just out of sight, Monica my sister in-law (well they never officially married and she and my brother are no longer together), so I am not sure how to reference the mother of two of my nephews/nieces. I get along with her well, she actually has treated me better than my blood sister so maybe I should just refer to her as my sister.

I would be talking to that new person each time it flipped back to the living room. Meanwhile, my father was sitting on one of his old chairs, drinking his coffee and eating one of those powdered and raspberry-filled donuts from Hostess that he loved, while he listened and occasionally made a comment like he would.

It kept flipping back to that alley and for whatever reason I was worried. The last full semblance of the dream was back in the living room, smiling at my dad in frustration because I don’t think the person I was talking to was listening to me and I was getting frustrated.

I woke up and immediately knew that something about the alleyway had been important, but was already disappearing from my memory. I found my head was shoved under my pillow (with Tally up against my back and hubby up against my front, facing away). I laid there for a moment and kept thinking as I tried to do the math that my dad wasn’t really that old, that is until I realized I had miscounted the year and he should have been 73, not 63.

That is when I felt like I got kicked in the gut as I realized he was dead, and had died in his 60s. I then realized that my cheeks were cold and damp, with that tacky feeling. It occurred that the breeze was from the fan on the window, which was also causing the coldness, my tears which had been flowing while asleep were causing the dampness. It was a surrealistic feeling and I didn’t understand what was going on.

I laid there for a moment longer when I realized I was crying. I just let that happen with the pillow over my head, my face sticking out slightly shaking. Eventually I could feel Tally had shifted her weight and a cat paw was resting on my back as she listened and waited. Part of me hopes it was in worry over my silently crying, but the realistic part of me is fairly sure it was waiting to see if I got up because that makes it closer to her feeding time.

Realizing that Wolsey might wake up I got up and came out here to write it. I wish I could remember what kept happening in the alley that the dream kept flipping to, or why I was telling the stranger how to take care of my niece and nephew in case something happened to us.

Now I just have this unease at 2am as I sit here typing, frustrated that the reason for the unease is just drifting off like smoke from a fire already gone out, leaving behind just the ash of me trying to figure out what that was about.

Strange Meetings (dream)

Last night I had a weird, anxious and intense dream that lasted all night. Probably part of it is anxiety, finally system clear of narcs and any other aid to help sleep or maintain my mood.

Wolsey and I had moved to what looked like Seattle, a large city in a rainy area. We met up with some of the people that lived around there and it turned out a lot of them were people I knew as a teenager in Bellingham. Not any of my closest circle of friends, but all people I interacted with regularly.

Side note – when I was a teenager, I went to five high schools. There was a combination of homelessness, drunken Vietnam Vet/underworld shit along with our family having a contract on our head and the first year of repeated moving was literally due to avoiding having another attack on our family.

If I get brave I might go in-depth about it at some other time. If my childhood was a tv show, it would be a bad “gritty drama” because people would think no way all that shit happened, but it did and it shaped the core of who I am.

I finished off the last two years of high school at Bellingham High School (yes that means I went to four high schools in two years before). I had a couple of friends I considered really close, and it is also when I met hubby. I never fit in with the high school crowd though.

I suspect part of it was that I had grown up in a lot harder position than almost any of them. The other, and probably bigger part, was that I was new to Bellingham, I wasn’t a local and I hadn’t at least lived there in middle school or earlier. Bellingham and all of Whatcom County were extremely insular then. People had lived there for generations and the only real new people in town were usually just going to school at Western Washington University, then they would leave.

It meant the friend’s cliques were already established and I ended up on the outside of all of the established groups that were involved high school-wise. The one advantage though is that I interacted with almost all the groups because of it. I wasn’t considered “the enemy”, just someone that was around school.

I spent most of the night talking with people like Clark and Boris (last names withheld to protect the innocent). We got along in high school, and to be honest, Boris was always really nice to me. For whatever reason, though they had a weirdness about them towards me during our discussion over lunch that time and distance didn’t create.

I didn’t know that reason was at least until I realized that I looked like I do now while I was in the dream and all of these people I haven’t seen since long before I started transition.

The rest of the dream now has faded mostly. I talked with several others and left the area feeling uncomfortable and saddened for an unknown reason.

I was going to post more about the dream, there were some fine details, but I wanted to make sure I was right that it was Clark that was in the dream. So I went onto classmates.com and found I was right.

It is also when I remembered I don’t have a picture in the senior yearbook for 1989. At the time I was too poor to afford a color photographer and they weren’t offering the black and white packages to seniors so they told me I couldn’t get my picture in the yearbook. They also somehow left my name out of it, that is a negative side effect of not being in any group.

That is the end result of joining up in Bellingham High School as a junior and being poor. At the time I wasn’t angry about any of it. We had just avoided dying, being homeless and to be honest I think I was too much of an adult in too many ways (but not in all the ways that you need to be) that I just sort of pushed through it.

I think I am angry now. Not really any one thing that I can define at the moment. I do think it might have gone better if I was able to come out then. Actually it was the 1980s that shit wouldn’t fly so no it wouldn’t have changed anything, just gave it a different taste I suppose.

Oh, and I just found out that Boris is an author/artist and his stuff is still as different as it was in high school. Good for him!

As for anyone reading this, it sort of went tangential and then off the path completely. Sorry about that :).

Dreams: Convention Bathroom

A rough few weeks and when I finally don’t take something to help me sleep I get weird/uncomfortable dreams again.

I was in a large mall/office building like place. I think the husband was with me and we knew we were being chased and the other people had weapons. There were twisting hallways, large open spaces and now that I think about it, it might have been a convention center.

Looking around we decided to dive into the bathroom. A large public bathroom that had a lot of stalls that were interconnected with lots of ways in and out of the bathroom.

Our pursuers were running around outside and we could hear the sound of impacts on some of the stall doors. I think in the dream they were supposed to be guns, but they sounded like bb guns bouncing off the doors rather than real weapons.

We kept dodging into different large stalls (they could hold half a dozen people hiding so obviously they weren’t realistic. Every once in awhile the weapons being fired would pierce the door and we would fire back… seemingly real in the dream but now I am fairly sure were firing back things that were more like bb guns as well.

Eventually the dream shifted and we were out in the main areas again. Lots of large convention like hallways filled with people. There I saw Gabe (not his partner Alex though). It was weird because they shouldn’t be there and it caught me off guard for whatever reason.

Gabe in the middle holding an item, I am on the left and hubby is on the right (both pre-transition by 12+ years so we are reversed gender look then we have now). Alex is behind Gabe.

We talked and got in line like it was a convention then, and something bothered me enough to wake me up…

… but now as I sit here typing with the cat on my lap, it is all sort of fading. I have been up too long and not writing. I will need to start writing sooner next time.

I suspect we look exactly like this right now (this was taken last month), not shaven, tired and Tally is out like a light on me.

So that is it, you get stuck with vague descriptions of what is now a vague dream. Maybe you will have better luck next time!

Dreams: Stuck at an airport

As a background, I haven’t talked to my sister at all since May of 2020, and only four times before that after my parents died in 2016 (even before that it was less than a couple times a year).

I was somehow traveling through an airport in a super cold place, but it was also a desert and ended up at the airport. I got trapped at the airport without my credit card. I had somehow misplaced it, or someone had taken it.

At this airport is a giant pool. Above this pool is a lobby that isn’t walled off from it. It sits like a mezzanine overlooking the pool, no wall, no railing, no nothing. There is at the edge of the water a concrete pillar that goes out of the water and up to the second floor lobby. A ladder runs up that pillar from the water.

Somehow while at the airport, looking for the credit card as I meet various people we are also living there above that lobby. It was a similar setup to where I lived as a child in Everett in an old mansion-like building. This whole time I kept rifling the lobby’s couches looking for my credit cards. I kept finding other people’s credit cards but not mine, so we were still there stuck for the entire dream.

At some point my sister showed up and she was angry that I kept jumping off the lobby ledge and into the pool, swim around then go back up to the lobby via the ladder on the pillar. She was also carrying around some huge stuffed animal, but I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was or why.

She decided to go tell my parents on me in the apartment area above the pool and lobby and locked the door to the room they were in (it was the door to the bathroom of that apartment from my childhood, sort of weird). She was tattling on me or trying to get me in trouble.

Meanwhile, I found my credit card but found myself the next moment on the concrete pillar, but it was a lot taller. Instead of being about 10 feet up above the pool, it was 40 or 50 feet up from the pool, and about 30 feet up above the lobby. The ladder down wasn’t accessible easily and I was afraid to try and climb down it for fear of falling

That is where my dream ended, with me trapped on the pillar, in an airport, above a pool 50 feet below (that I didn’t think was deep enough to dive into) having been desperately looking for a lost credit card that I finally found, but also now worried my parents were going to be mad at me for whatever reason.

Yes, it was disjointed and I am processing shit. I haven’t talked to her in 8 months and not much before then. I have just heard she got married a month ago, and then her husband passed away a week ago (unexpectedly). So undoubtedly it has a lot to do with hearing about her.

I have avoided talking about most of my issues with her, but honestly that is probably going to be done here at some point. My therapist is slowly digging into my family, and evidently I need to vent here.

Dreams: Grumpy old Auditor

Last night I woke up to a bizarre dream that had been happening on and off. I am not fully awake so I apologize if this is choppy, but it’s better to get my dream out than wait to wake up all the way.

It started by me being with a large group of auditors, I can’t tell you how I know that, it just felt like that. We were in a library or something like an old bookstore. A lot of books on the shelves, but we were not working. I was some sort of supervisor or lead auditor. We were almost military, at the very least some sort of Department of Defense auditing situation (but not my actual job at the DoD).

I realized this wasn’t at an audit site, and we technically weren’t working either, which the small part of me that recognized this was a dream was confused by. It was everyone’s off time yet we were all together and I was watching over what felt like “my little ducklings”. It felt very much like when I would watch an old ex-marine coworker who would travel with us, count everybody every time we entered or left a room to just make sure everyone was there. Someone who stepped in to guide the ducklings

While we were there, I noticed there were arguments and the normal fucking around occurring. That kind of banter from people that are around each other most of their days. After some talking the scenery shifted and we ended up in a restaurant. People kept coming to meet to fix things and I can’t being grumpy and tired, but I tried to be kind to them and help.

The dream flipped and we were inside some sort of theater. In a setup of steep stadium seating type situation, we were up towards the top and in the back. There were maybe 20 or so auditors, and I felt like all of them were much younger. It really did have that dual feeling of new soldiers and an old sergeant, mixed with a bunch of young auditors with an old grumpy auditor watching over it.

We were talking and the group was being rowdy. There was no movie at the time, and the upper area had a set of sinks, garbage and almost a rec area. No one else was in the theater (not sure if movie or live action theater). Whatever was about to play was starting and I told everyone to be good and I crawled over to a couple of chairs and settled down to take a nap.

I was awakened once by a younger female auditor who was trying to be too chummy and I directed her back to her seat with a snap of my finger (for some reason it reminded me of my hubby’s RPG character and the maidens that sometimes followed him around). I wasn’t going to broke any more nonsense from them.

I was then awoken by a bunch of the younger people because there was some sort of commotion going on at the sink. I got up grumbling and most of the auditors scattered from me when they heard my voice. I walked over and yelled at one of the auditors go sit down and found the other person they were arguing with was my little brother who was inside the sink cupboards. Somehow I knew he had been part of the group at the restaurant and library as well (but I didn’t remember seeing him earlier in the dream).

We had to pull him out of the plumbing and he was still trying to argue with the auditor. Some reason my brother was supposed to be there, maybe he was another auditor but I couldn’t be sure. When he got out I yelled at both of them for being loud fuckwits and interrupting my nap.

The other auditor went and sat down, my brother bitched at me a little about me being a jerk about it but I dismissed it and sent him over to another seat. Most of the auditors seemed to divide up and sit around either my brother or the one he was arguing with. I then went to sit back down mumbling, when a cute little auditor girl sat next time, started talking to me. All I wanted to do was take a nap and as I turned to say something to her, I woke up annoyed at my brother.

Obviously I am processing both stress and my brother. This is the first Christmas in awhile that he hasn’t called with something going on. Definitely not like last year when he was in Las Vegas and everything was melting down as he had a broken foot, in a wheel chair with no money and on some sort of run, it really sucked.

Dreams: Old Warehouse

The dream is mostly fading away, but it involved me wandering through an old abandoned warehouse or large supermarket (I am sure this is directly linked to watching one of my LPs with hubby in Last of Us 2 when exploring the abandoned supermarket). I don’t think I was any younger during this dream, I think I was like I am now (my almost 50-year-old girl self).

The hubby was with me, along with some other friends. It was an old burned-out place and we were looking for something. Eventually, we ended up back at a circle in the warehouse and we were all talking. As it went around the circle a little boy tried to describe his Minecraft adventures, explaining he had made or was trying to make (it all blurs) a video game let’s play.

Continue reading “Dreams: Old Warehouse”

2012-11-12 Pre Transition: Dreams in a Graveyard

Original Airdate: 11/12/2012
Upload Date: 10/09/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Dreams

My first dream post using video. I used to always write out my dreams and it would help work through them. I then started blogging on LJ and website. I figure this is the next step using youtube. I am trying to do more videos and maybe just small tidbits of my life would help me get in the habit.

Drones (dreams)

I woke up this morning with another strange dream. It is fading and I am sure there are details I am missing, but here is the gist.

I was wandering in a large building looking for something. I couldn’t tell you what gender in the dream I was (I still dream more of being a boy then a girl… which is funny because before my transition I dreamt pretty often of being a girl, I think that is a bit of dysphoria still hanging with me). I was searching for something, and I knew something was looking for me.

I stepped outside after endless corridors and I was on a steep hill, just at the very top, where it slopes down both sides (sort of like the spine of a mountain, but only just a tall hill). Ahead of me I could see choppers flying around drunkely, slewing across the airspace around buildings.

Not unlike this

I could see one crash ahead of me and even feel the heat faintly from it hitting the office building. Others kept circling and I kept yelling at someone to get down, keep hidden.

We were moving across the spine of the hill, trying to use it as cover from the other side. One of the helicopters came flying over head and for some reason it started crashing near us. I couldn’t tell you what caused it to crash, but I knew it wasn’t normal.

I heard a whining sound and I ducked down and missing me by inches was a tiny drone, about four feet long and shaped like an F-14 tomcat fighter model. It wasn’t full plane, just a toy model that was evidently made of steel or something else hard because it hit about 10 feet away and sunk deep into the ground. Easily with enough force to kill me.

I had a model like this as a pre-teen to teen years. Probably why I recognized it. Mine wasn’t steel.

All of a sudden four more flew in and each one got a foot or so closer to me as they impacted the ground. I was screaming at whoever was with me to hunker close to the ground and try to let the hill protect us. It seemed like the angle of the hill was such that they couldn’t quite get a straight shot as the shadow of the hill kept the drones from getting the right angle.

I noticed though they kept getting closer and I started rolling away. I was panicking that they were going to explode and I knew they were way too close if they did do that.

That is when I woke up, sweating, breathing hard and thinking I probably couldn’t roll fast enough away from the ones coming as I woke up hearing the whining of several more.

I am sure that was all just an anxiety dream, but it was pretty real and intense and I felt I would share it without any other input.

Dream: Weird House and a Grave

I woke up a little while ago from a bizarre, borderline nightmare dream involving a small house in the middle of nowhere and Wolsey and I were both pre-transition (he was still my wife and I was his husband).

The house was this small one or two bedroom in the middle of nowhere. We had gotten there and I think we were supposed to be living there now. We went into the bedroom, a tiny almost shack like room that was dusty, cramped, and seemed odd.

I notice at first that the far wall, which should be facing the outside had no windows. Wolsey was busy trying to nail up part of a plywood inner wall that seemed to have bowed open on that far wall. I walked over to Wolsey to see if I could help and they sort of shooed me away gently. W used the same voice they always use when trying to protect me from something. The same voice when there is a dead animal we are walking by and they are trying to keep me from looking at it or noticing it.

Yes, W is a sweetie, always trying to keep me from feeling bad about something like that.

I noticed how W was talking and I just super focused in on it. I asked what they were doing. They mumbled something innocent. I looked at the board they were reattaching to the wall and noticed there was a lot of space on the other side (which had a window at what would be the outside wall of the house).

I realized that someone had cut off a portion of the room with plywood, to board up something in that small area. It was why there was no window on what at first I thought was the outside wall, and why the bedroom seemed so cramped.

I turned and looked at him… “Is there a grave in that part of the room?”

I had no inkling of what it was, no clue but that is what came up and they just nodded. I was now officially uncomfortable living in the house. What the fuck is there a grave inside a house? However that confusion didn’t stop the dream and we kept working on the wall. The air in the other room was cooler and had a musty smell even though there was a window and it faced the sun so should have had the warmth on it.

I drew it to kind of explain how the setup it was. For some reason my words aren’t good this morning.

Next thing I know there was a jump and I found W and myself at some later point laying in that same bed making out like we were teenagers. W stopped me and said they had to go get something.

So we stopped and as W got up I noticed there was another woman in our bed, asleep on her side, on the other side of the bed. I glanced over at the plywood wall and noticed it was ajar. As W headed into the other part of the room I made a motion at the lady in our bed and W just shrugged.

I glanced over where the grave was and had a really really bad feeling in my gut. I am fairly sure at this time I was starting to wake up and there was some coherent thought creeping in. I turned to the girl, not knowing who she was and gingerly leaned over and poked her gently. She began to roll over and that is all I know.

I don’t know what happened, what she looked like or what I did, as I woke up at this point trying not to scream in real life. I suspect it is probably good I don’t remember, I don’t get the impression waking up that it was a good thing that happened.

Upon waking up, I am not sure if I woke W up in real life. I do know he rolled over as I tried to get my heart to stop pounding in my head. I was covered in goose bumps and I had to concentrate not to cry. I still don’t know what the hell I saw or happened, but I am probably happy I don’t know.

I feel much better now, especially after writing this out (writing it out helps a lot from some night terrors I get). So now I get to go and start work.

Dream: Peter Weller is an asshole (not really)

First let me start off with saying, to my knowledge at least, that Peter Weller really isn’t an asshole. After all goddamn Buckaroo Banzai (Robocop or Leviathan for all of you heathens) can’t really be an asshole can he?

I really should buy Buckaroo Banzai!

A lot of the dream detail is fading, but it once again centered around a house we were all in. People I know in real life, along with people I am sure I might have met. All of them coupled with an older Peter Weller were sitting out something in the house. Not necessarily a great evil outside, just something that made everyone stressed.

What I remember is coming into the bedroom and Peter Weller and a friend of mine were in an argument. Peter was telling them how wrong they were, how childish and immature. My friend was arguing for him to not open the blinds above the bed, that something was out there.

I stomped over pissed as hell at Peter Weller (he was here as himself, not as one of his characters). I knew something was out there and I told him. We got into an argument and eventually,0d00a3 he forced the blinds open. Outside in one of the trees was a large mammal. It could have been some huge mutant sloth, or something else, but whatever it was I lost my shit on Peter. I screamed at him about what a mother fucker he was, and that my friend wasn’t lying and now they knew we were in there.

Peter looked shaken, although in all honesty the creature wasn’t horrifying looking, and I just kept on him for a few moments before I woke up to being really fucking angry with Peter Weller for not listening.

Now I feel stupid as I sit here that I was so mad at one of America’s great unsung directors and actors for a dream. HAHA but that is ok because now I will need to watch Robocop in the background as I type and play video games. I just needed to write it down before it all disappeared, the reason that Peter Weller is an asshole (not really).