2012-11-12 Pre Transition: Dreams in a Graveyard

Original Airdate: 11/12/2012
Upload Date: 10/09/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Dreams

My first dream post using video. I used to always write out my dreams and it would help work through them. I then started blogging on LJ and website. I figure this is the next step using youtube. I am trying to do more videos and maybe just small tidbits of my life would help me get in the habit.

Drones (dreams)

I woke up this morning with another strange dream. It is fading and I am sure there are details I am missing, but here is the gist.

I was wandering in a large building looking for something. I couldn’t tell you what gender in the dream I was (I still dream more of being a boy then a girl… which is funny because before my transition I dreamt pretty often of being a girl, I think that is a bit of dysphoria still hanging with me). I was searching for something, and I knew something was looking for me.

I stepped outside after endless corridors and I was on a steep hill, just at the very top, where it slopes down both sides (sort of like the spine of a mountain, but only just a tall hill). Ahead of me I could see choppers flying around drunkely, slewing across the airspace around buildings.

Not unlike this

I could see one crash ahead of me and even feel the heat faintly from it hitting the office building. Others kept circling and I kept yelling at someone to get down, keep hidden.

We were moving across the spine of the hill, trying to use it as cover from the other side. One of the helicopters came flying over head and for some reason it started crashing near us. I couldn’t tell you what caused it to crash, but I knew it wasn’t normal.

I heard a whining sound and I ducked down and missing me by inches was a tiny drone, about four feet long and shaped like an F-14 tomcat fighter model. It wasn’t full plane, just a toy model that was evidently made of steel or something else hard because it hit about 10 feet away and sunk deep into the ground. Easily with enough force to kill me.

I had a model like this as a pre-teen to teen years. Probably why I recognized it. Mine wasn’t steel.

All of a sudden four more flew in and each one got a foot or so closer to me as they impacted the ground. I was screaming at whoever was with me to hunker close to the ground and try to let the hill protect us. It seemed like the angle of the hill was such that they couldn’t quite get a straight shot as the shadow of the hill kept the drones from getting the right angle.

I noticed though they kept getting closer and I started rolling away. I was panicking that they were going to explode and I knew they were way too close if they did do that.

That is when I woke up, sweating, breathing hard and thinking I probably couldn’t roll fast enough away from the ones coming as I woke up hearing the whining of several more.

I am sure that was all just an anxiety dream, but it was pretty real and intense and I felt I would share it without any other input.

Dream: Weird House and a Grave

I woke up a little while ago from a bizarre, borderline nightmare dream involving a small house in the middle of nowhere and Wolsey and I were both pre-transition (he was still my wife and I was his husband).

The house was this small one or two bedroom in the middle of nowhere. We had gotten there and I think we were supposed to be living there now. We went into the bedroom, a tiny almost shack like room that was dusty, cramped, and seemed odd.

I notice at first that the far wall, which should be facing the outside had no windows. Wolsey was busy trying to nail up part of a plywood inner wall that seemed to have bowed open on that far wall. I walked over to Wolsey to see if I could help and they sort of shooed me away gently. W used the same voice they always use when trying to protect me from something. The same voice when there is a dead animal we are walking by and they are trying to keep me from looking at it or noticing it.

Yes, W is a sweetie, always trying to keep me from feeling bad about something like that.

I noticed how W was talking and I just super focused in on it. I asked what they were doing. They mumbled something innocent. I looked at the board they were reattaching to the wall and noticed there was a lot of space on the other side (which had a window at what would be the outside wall of the house).

I realized that someone had cut off a portion of the room with plywood, to board up something in that small area. It was why there was no window on what at first I thought was the outside wall, and why the bedroom seemed so cramped.

I turned and looked at him… “Is there a grave in that part of the room?”

I had no inkling of what it was, no clue but that is what came up and they just nodded. I was now officially uncomfortable living in the house. What the fuck is there a grave inside a house? However that confusion didn’t stop the dream and we kept working on the wall. The air in the other room was cooler and had a musty smell even though there was a window and it faced the sun so should have had the warmth on it.

I drew it to kind of explain how the setup it was. For some reason my words aren’t good this morning.

Next thing I know there was a jump and I found W and myself at some later point laying in that same bed making out like we were teenagers. W stopped me and said they had to go get something.

So we stopped and as W got up I noticed there was another woman in our bed, asleep on her side, on the other side of the bed. I glanced over at the plywood wall and noticed it was ajar. As W headed into the other part of the room I made a motion at the lady in our bed and W just shrugged.

I glanced over where the grave was and had a really really bad feeling in my gut. I am fairly sure at this time I was starting to wake up and there was some coherent thought creeping in. I turned to the girl, not knowing who she was and gingerly leaned over and poked her gently. She began to roll over and that is all I know.

I don’t know what happened, what she looked like or what I did, as I woke up at this point trying not to scream in real life. I suspect it is probably good I don’t remember, I don’t get the impression waking up that it was a good thing that happened.

Upon waking up, I am not sure if I woke W up in real life. I do know he rolled over as I tried to get my heart to stop pounding in my head. I was covered in goose bumps and I had to concentrate not to cry. I still don’t know what the hell I saw or happened, but I am probably happy I don’t know.

I feel much better now, especially after writing this out (writing it out helps a lot from some night terrors I get). So now I get to go and start work.

Dream: Peter Weller is an asshole (not really)

First let me start off with saying, to my knowledge at least, that Peter Weller really isn’t an asshole. After all goddamn Buckaroo Banzai (Robocop or Leviathan for all of you heathens) can’t really be an asshole can he?

I really should buy Buckaroo Banzai!

A lot of the dream detail is fading, but it once again centered around a house we were all in. People I know in real life, along with people I am sure I might have met. All of them coupled with an older Peter Weller were sitting out something in the house. Not necessarily a great evil outside, just something that made everyone stressed.

What I remember is coming into the bedroom and Peter Weller and a friend of mine were in an argument. Peter was telling them how wrong they were, how childish and immature. My friend was arguing for him to not open the blinds above the bed, that something was out there.

I stomped over pissed as hell at Peter Weller (he was here as himself, not as one of his characters). I knew something was out there and I told him. We got into an argument and eventually,0d00a3 he forced the blinds open. Outside in one of the trees was a large mammal. It could have been some huge mutant sloth, or something else, but whatever it was I lost my shit on Peter. I screamed at him about what a mother fucker he was, and that my friend wasn’t lying and now they knew we were in there.

Peter looked shaken, although in all honesty the creature wasn’t horrifying looking, and I just kept on him for a few moments before I woke up to being really fucking angry with Peter Weller for not listening.

Now I feel stupid as I sit here that I was so mad at one of America’s great unsung directors and actors for a dream. HAHA but that is ok because now I will need to watch Robocop in the background as I type and play video games. I just needed to write it down before it all disappeared, the reason that Peter Weller is an asshole (not really).

Dreams: Upcoming Trips in the Apocalypse

I suspect my healing is back on track, had my first what turned out to be a nightmare in a while. I am sure it is a lot of stuff to unpack in awhile, but for now, I want to just get it out before I forget it.

The dream started with use having to arrange how we were going to handle the end of the world. Somehow it ended up that we knew the next Wednesday the world was going to end. It wasn’t a commonly known thing, but we had put into place a way to keep in communications with others (might be siblings or maybe friends I don’t see much). It felt like a possible zombie apocalypse or something to do with strange things running around. It was low-key enough starting that there was never a thought we wouldn’t be there at least at the beginning.

During the time running up to this we realized that we shouldn’t make the trips to wherever we were going to originally go, it was too risky after things started ending. Also, there were people we wanted nothing to do with involved. So we helped everyone prepare (both here and in Bellingham) but didn’t really explain to them our plans had changed, somehow we knew they were going to backstab us and we didn’t want to give them an opportunity.

The day before this was all going to happen we realized we had to go anyways. My parents were going to need help and we couldn’t leave them alone. I had even realized that they were dead at the start of the plans, and never realized they had mysteriously become not dead. There was nothing in the dream that even considered that fairly large inconsistency. Instead, I woke up freaking out that I had abandoned them accidentally.

There were a lot more details to this that faded. I couldn’t get up and write it soon enough, I just had to lay there in the dark and cry, trying to not wake up my husband. I realize it probably has to do with Father’s Day coming up, along with undergoing the surgeries, the meds, and the stress of transition without ever being able to call them and just have them listen to me and reassure me.

You are always told by society that when you grow up, that you won’t feel like a ten-year-old who just wants their mom and dad. It is a lie, and I know others have felt this way. I realize now as they are gone and I am older than of course, everyone will feel that way. Hell, my dad felt that way a few months before he passed. He told me how he missed his mom and she had been gone 30+ years.

But hey, this is the first time in a week I haven’t woken up scared my face was falling off to an infection, I do think its an improvement at least.

Uncomfortable Insomnia with a bit of Panic Attack

Woke up with panic attack.

I realize this is bad form. I am posting out of order. I just had my surgeries three days ago and I am thrilled with the results. I look really good, I am incredibly happy, etc. However., that post will come later, now I am talking about how uncomfortable I woke up feeling this evening. I think I was dreaming as well, but I don’t remember it now.

My breasts hurt, well ache is probably more accurate. A deep deep ache as they are particularly large and are still moving into place. They said it takes a week or more for them to settle in their final position. They are awesome, but yep… still twinge and ache while I type.

The strap I have to wear on top of them is the most annoying and aching part. The boobs need a gentle but steady push downward to move them into place. That is what the strap does. I never realized how uncomfortable breast implants were… but totally worth it!

My face is even more painful. The cutting, stapling, moving of muscles, and a bit of lipo means it is swollen. I am incredibly excited by it, it makes me happy… especially my lips, but it aches, is swollen and still needs time to heal.

Mostly though I was uncomfortable due to the claustrophobia I felt at 1130pm. Since I have gotten out of surgery my head has been wrapped in one form or another. To be honest, most of the last three days have been a blur due to exhaustion and Percocet. I am taking less than prescribed and I think I finally woke up with that hurt catching up.

It didn’t help though that I can’t hear. That gave me a panic attack as well. My ears are pretty swollen, and on top of it they are wrapped up. This combined with my hearing deficit I am fairly close to deaf if I am fully wrapped up. The swelling on the ears caught me off guard, but even now I think they are better than three days ago.

I am fortunate, I can take off the wrap when I want, but I want the neck work to have the best chance to heal so I am leaving it on. I even have the stupid little support straps on right now to help keep it in place while I sleep.

I think the uncomfortableness also stems from not eating well for the last three days. Hubby has been feeding me, but no appetite (although a good point, no throwing up either). I have had very little caffeine intake, and until a few hours ago I hadn’t had any hormones for more than two weeks. I suspect this evening’s little wake up feeling like I was being suffocated is all of this, along with a slight panic attack.

I have always had a fear of suffocating. I woke up with that feeling compounded by being wrapped up as if buried alive. I totally get that I am full of hyperbole right now, but it is what I woke up with along with my normal night terrors/insomnia.

Now that I have spent 20 minutes trying to write this out I am more tired and less panicked. I will leave it at that, tired, hurting a bit, but happier than anyone else could ever imagine. Maybe I will watch some more Wu Assassins and fall asleep. I will come back tomorrow with all the pictures and stories about my surgery. The pictures are both awesome, and god awful, sort of like me.

Family Drama (dream)

Last night’s sleep was a bit rough. I ended up waking up just before midnight and then fell back asleep to have some weird dreams. A lot of them I can’t remember, but the one I woke up from I do mostly.

I dreamt that Wolsey, myself and some other people were rummaging around an abandoned shop or restaurant. It might have been a fire hall now that I think about it. With us was someone who in the dream seemed to be my uncle on my dad’s side. He looked like a bit younger Sam Elliott (fifties or so) which is funny because my dad and Sam Elliott himself had a lot of similar looks to them… especially the ‘stache.

We had gone into one of the back rooms and found some bronze wall hangings. At some point in time, someone said it belonged to us and we shouldn’t lose it again. I told them I didn’t think it belonged to us, it belonged here in the place we were in. It matched with the same decoration and dedication as a photo that was hanging on the wall (for the life of me I can’t remember what the photo was, but it was important).

We dug around the abandoned place for a while and found a room with a large king-size bed. I was tired and was frustrated about something in the dream and I just fell on the bed and began to drift off to sleep… yes, sometimes I dream about going to sleep…

I wasn’t fully asleep, just listening to everyone when my uncle sat down on the bed and started grumping about me being in the middle. I was trying to regain enough consciousness so I could move over when he leaned over and started spinning me around in a circle on the bed to try and make more room. The whole time he was complaining that I probably wasn’t even asleep and that I was intentionally being a dick to him.

I opened my eyes in the dream almost immediately and he used that to exclaim even louder than I was intentionally fucking with him. I wasn’t. But for some reason, him doing that flipped me the fuck out and I shoved him off the bed. He stood up and I was on him shoving him up against a wall. I remember there was a little shelving set behind him that came up to almost his butt level. I was shoving so much that he was braced against it.

He wouldn’t look at me and he had shut down. The whole time I was screaming at him “Fuck you, I was sleeping you, fuckhead, I wasn’t lying.” I then shoved a couple more times but didn’t get any more physical with some intentionally thought. He did stop saying stupid shit.

It ended with me telling him that I might not be on testosterone anymore, but I sure as fuck would kick his ass with my weak ass arms (or something to that effect).

I woke up amped, angry and still not feeling bad I had lost my shit on a family member. It was also when I realized that it was the first time in a dream that I can remember that acknowledged my current life, that I was trans. It wasn’t wish-fulfillment where I thought I was a cisgender girl, and it wasn’t the old dreams I remember where I was either a guy or a monster. It was me as I currently was.

I don’t remember a lot of my dreams over the last couple of years. I posted about a couple of them but the last one I talked about and wrote about was in December 2018. I do know with my new injectable estrogen regimen that there have been a lot of physical changes, I suspect there has been a lot of mental changes as well (well chemically influenced at least). I also am finally feeling like this is my body.

That is one of the two important things I took away from this dream. That for the first time in my life, or at least since I was a teenager, I feel like I am in my body. I don’t feel like my body is done, it has a long way still to go, but it’s the first time I feel connected to it in my dreams as well as in reality.

The second important thing to take away from this dream is I have some unresolved family angst/drama/anger that I haven’t worked through. That is the only reason I can think of to have a fictitious uncle in the dream and why I was so angry at what really wasn’t that big a deal.

Honestly, I miss remembering my dreams, even if they can be incredibly bad nightmares (not this one). I hope this means I might start remembering them more. I like recording them and then looking back on them in future years.

Hubby Nightmares

I figure it is one thirty in the morning and I would relate what happens when my husband has nightmares.

He has these nightmares every so often. The external noises start off distant and scattered, some sort of faint noise coming from his throat as he sleeps. In the beginning I didn’t know what that meant, he was a small girl who doesn’t make a lot of sound (pretty much the exact opposite of me). Yet these screams would build up and becoming terrifyingly loud. Now after his transition the sounds aren’t any less bad, just a deeper tone.

The starting whimpering sounds are not pleasant. They come in waves actually, I have them figured out now. If I am not awake enough at the very beginning I am sometimes unable to move as they continue to grow louder. I end up panicking trying to move knowing it will be worse the longer I wait. They become this horrifying nightmare scream that totally fucks me up. The kind of sound someone watching something truly terrifying would make.

I immediately will lean over, rub his arm, hold him, kiss his head and reassure him and he whispers something like he loves me or something else small and rolls over to go to sleep. Usually that is it for the night, he sleeps and half the time he doesn’t even remember anything.

Yet here I am at 1:30am not going back to sleep at all because that noise freaks me the fuck out. His being in pain has always freaked me out and made it so I couldn’t sleep or do anything else but worry on him, but the nightmare sounds are the worst and I lay in bed terrified after waking him up and him going back to sleep.

The funniest part is sometimes he surfaces in his dreams after the nightmare and he doesn’t remember, he will pat me and ask me if I am ok or if I am sleeping well… My thoughts are usually “I was… til you had a nightmare”. I don’t say it though, but I do usually give him a hard time the next morning when I am looking exhausted and he is usually his normal self.

General Update and Cheek News

I have been quiet lately, not that new things haven’t happened, just that I am exhausted. However, wanted to get out some of the basics while I had some moments.

The last couple of weeks have been especially bad with insomnia and nightmares, mostly me not being able to protect people I currently care about, or who passed away already. This results in me getting up somewhere between 00:30 and 0300 for several days, unless I crash every five or six days which case I sleep until 4pm (which is later than normal for me). This leaves me grumpy and tired. Fortunately my husband is pretty forgiving.

I did get to meet a nice transgender lady while I was at work. I was actually on lunch at Thea’s park and I am sitting in my car throwing peanuts out for the crows and seagulls. I see this lady pull up beside me. My first thought was wondering if she was a trans lady. I glanced at her, she glanced at me and a few minutes later she motioned for me to roll down my window as she asked me if I was trans.

That is when I met Hazel, a nice lady who is a local and has been doing this a couple years longer than myself. She seemed nice, we chatted and exchanged instagram accounts. It was nice meeting someone like myself. It is funny, I have met a lot more trans guys than gals. This is primarily because for 5 of the last 6 years we were focused on hubby’s transition so it was guys who came out of the woodwork (especially about accidentally gay and the website). It as just nice to meet someone like me.

Yesterday we went down to Portland to check on my cheek with Dr. Ley. The trip down was actually pretty cool. I live to just spend time with my husband. I realize a lot of people hate traveling with others, but 3 hours each direction with my hubby is enjoyable to me, especially since I don’t drive so much anymore.

We got there and there was a bit of a kerfuffle finding the office. Met a nice trans girl named Libby and we helped guide her to Dr. Ley’s office as well. I walked in with Dr. Ley and she didn’t even recognize me from my surgery four months ago. The facial changes she made, plus the hormones, new hair color/style and my long skirt gave her a blank stare at me for a few moments.

I intentionally didn’t choose my best most recent image, the recent image is my “average”.

She was nice and realized who I was soon enough after I started talking. After telling her some of my concerns she reached into my mouth where I noticed the real thingand I saw her visibly hesitate when she felt the “serrated edge” feeling the cheek had on the inside. She apologized for any pain as she crushed up whatever was sharp feeling.

She admitted she had never felt something like that before (my body heals weird). She was worried at first that part of the cheek was exposed inside my mouth but relaxed when she realized it was fine. She ended up clearing me and saying my cheek was healing well with no problems, that was a relief.

We then stopped at the Bantam Tavern, just a couple of blocks down where I had fish and chips and a couple of Whiskey Punches to celebrate. We then came home and I got to spend more time with the most important person in the world.

There is my favorite thing in the world.

Of course I am back up at 3am this morning, but I feel a bit better as I fell asleep earlier. I just wanted to get this written down (I have already forgotten the dream I wanted to talk about, all I remember was me desperately searching for a large oxygen tank in a garage that had slipped under all the carport racks). So here it is. Hopefully more will be coming. 🙂

Apartment Gathering (dream)

I fell asleep this morning on our slightly comfortable couch after a lot of insomnia. It was the first dream I remember was end of last October.

We were living in an old apartment, it was above the first floor (but not top floor) and it was about 3 in the morning. We had a ton of people were in the apartment visiting, which in real life is extremely unusual. Several people I liked like Trisha, Kailey and some legacies/dying light people were there chatting away, it was almost the start of something like the parties we did use to host in Bellingham.

There were also several people over visiting that were maybe friends of those people, but who I didn’t have a clue about. They were kind of snotty, annoying, made themselves too much at home and would not have been invited by me, but they were with people I liked so I let it go. I need to make a clear note here though, everyone was about my current age, not actual age we were when we played dying light/legacies.

This went on for a little while when there was a singular older guy just on my last nerve. It wasn’t anything specifically, but he was kind of a whiny white guy twat who just bitched about everything. It was that weird entitlement you see in some boy gamers, along with the whole “friends’ zone” vibe he kept giving off. He should have been wearing a fedora. He kept trying to one up everyone in the stories when it was clear to everyone that he was lying about his experiences.

It was at this time that I noticed everyone kept coming in and out of my living room window from the outside. It didn’t make sense for a few moments in the dream since I knew it wasn’t street level outside.

It turns out that they were hanging on one of the rooftops around the building. We were in a similar apartment building to where I lived as a kid where there was multiple stories and roofs/ledges you could climb out on (more like a giant old mansion building where there was 1st, 2nd and 3rd story roofs scattered, depending on the location of the apartment).

On about the fourth time they are climbing back into the apartment I realized I had neighbors and I told them to get their ass in the apartment and off the roof, and to keep their voices down since the clock said it was 3am. There were murmurs of people not happy with that decision, but I didn’t care.

That older whiny guy whined some more for several minutes, and I sort of lost my shit, I told him to get the fuck out of my apartment, it was my place and I didn’t know him from jack anyways so he could go pound sand. He was really tugging at my last nerve and funny enough I didn’t feel bad about saying it after it was out of my mouth (I normally do feel bad even if they deserved it).

He sort of threw a hissy fit and started to act like I couldn’t do that while his friends were here, that was until I got closer to him and instead of getting more physically aggressive as would be my normal mode up to a few months ago, I pulled out my phone and said I was calling the cops if he didn’t get the fuck out of my house. Not sure what brought this change in tactics for me, I don’t recall being any shorter, but maybe I was skinnier like I am now and didn’t have the bulk.

Then everyone started packing up, I wasn’t sure if it was one of those things were, they all had caravanned in so had to go if he went or what, but I didn’t really care. However, asshole kept taking forever to leave my apartment. I stood up and told him he has 10 seconds and started counting down. I pulled out my phone and started dialing, this is when he still bitched but headed out with everything else without too much of a struggle after that.

A little relieved I watched as everyone left. I then turn down the stairs to the bottom floor and on the second set of stairs I see coming up are another large group of people, talking loud, and I dreaded they were heading for my place. The only one coming up that I didn’t dread was my mom in a wheel chair at the front of the group. I was caught off guard because I think I was half awake and realized she was dead and shouldn’t be there.

That is when I woke up disorientated on the couch with the hubby asking about the socks (ok I think he asked after I woke up, but it is all discombobulated).