Another Dream

Yes, you have to endure another dream, I might eventually open a different account so people dont have to read them if they dont want.

I dreamt I had my parent’s fish tank (they had given me all the fish they have plus the 50 gallon tank, which btw they are trading me for, me and the wife have a old camcorder we don’t use). So here I had this huge tank. There were a lot more fish though, then what my parents have in real life (my parents currently have 3 huge goldfish (over a foot long each), a Picastumus and a catfish. It had these weird underwater tentacle things, sorta like sea anemones.

I added a small fish to the tank then all of a sudden these two fish/vegetation creatures went berserk and started killing the other fish in the tank (there were a lot of different little fish, with some of the types featured in Little Nemo, such as the types of fish Dorrie and the scarred fish). Realizing the fish were  being attacked I mentioned it to my dad (who just happened to be standing with me) and he just reached in, grabbed the first “vegetation creature” and tossed it out of the tank where it died quickly (that one kinda looked like it was a bramble bush).

He then reached in and grabbed the tentacled one (the bramble one was white, the tentacled one was purple, or at least what my color vision says is purple at least), as he grabbed it tried to grab him back with the tentacles. He threw it out of the tank, when it landed on the tiled floor (but it was in my old texas st. apt which is all carpet) it skittered and ran off (I think it eventually died in the other room). Just as I was waking up my father turned to me and said he didn’t know what kind of fish those were, they just “came with the tank”.

Wierd dream huh?

Other then that, today I have to study more calculus and go see my parents and then study more calculus then play in a CS match and then study even more calculus. Even with all this study, doesnt mean it will help me with Prof Naylor’s test.

thats it for the morning.

Another Wierd Dream

Ok here it is, I had a dream last night that bothered me. It started out with me being washed up on the shores of Japan. It must have been early times and it sorta was a cross between Last Samurai and Shogun. There wasn’t any sort of fighting though, or war, rather it was kinda peaceful and nice until finally a person from the U.S. found me. 

They gave me a single person raft with a set of sails (it was closer to a canoe, but same idea that your butt was exposed to the water via lashed together logs. LOL it doesnt make sense but thats a dream for you. Then I dreamt I took a cat with me and sailed all the way back to the West Coast, then by using rivers I sailed all through upper Canada until I got to the east coast.

Upon reaching the east coast I found my parents. Upon landing the cat I took with me demanded I feed it 5 kittens because it had not eaten the whole entire time across. I was kinda dumbstruck but I got the impression I knew I might get a request like that. So I had a bag of kittens, and I couldn’t give up most of the kittens because they were cute and reminded me of Orpheus (my current cat in real life) or Isabelle (my parents current cat), but the cat (which now appeared like a kitten itself) was able to get a few of them, leaving kitten parts all over.

After some time of dinking around in the dream I noticed my mother had a bunch of little bites on her and she was starting to get sick. I asked her what happened and she said something about being bitten (I am having a hard time remembering what she said) I told her to go see a doctor and was worried it was the cat I brought with me, even though the bites on her looked like bird bites. I then left to go do something but immediately woke up a little stressed by the dream and a little disorientated.

Now the dream is starting to slip away, I just wanted to write down as much as possible about it before it was gone.

It was a good dream to start with but by the end was a nightmare, I guess I am glad I dont remember the last of it or why it bothered me so much.

Well, I gotta get ready for the Wife’s sister. She is coming over to pick me up so I can help her get started on her DSHS paperwork.

Early Morning Rambling

Things are going pretty well, today I have to go with my dad for an MRI on his back but everyone seems in pretty good spirits.

Last night I had a dream I haven’t had in over a decade. I dreamt I had joined the priesthood. Now here is a little background, I grew up Catholic (Irish Catholic, the priest we were closest too had some pagan type ideas and I have since found out its a “Irish” tendency to lump in weird things) I honestly don’t think its an Irish thing anymore, I think rather its a tradition that may have started with the Irish but has become more of a Poor Catholic sorta belief.

When I was growing up, I had always considered the priesthood, this sounds wierd but my parents told me they would totally support that decision when I was younger (the reason looking back this sounds wierd is my family is comprised of Bikers, Nam Vets and criminals, but the whole family would have accepted that, and would have been completely supportive).

Between the ages of 17-20 I had seriously considered attending a Seminary (the only time in that time period it wasn’t something I considered was when me and Sage (my wife) were going out the first time. When she dumped me I almost immediately joined but fortunately for my current circumstance my father talked me out of it and told me I should wait until it wasn’t a reaction from a breakup. Sage and I got back together so it was a moot point, but its something I have always considered when I was younger.

Last night I dreamt something happened to Sage (not a break up situation, more like a death I believe) and I joined the seminary after whatever happened, happened. Now that I am awake and writing this down most of the dream is disappearing like smoke, but I felt I should write down what I could.

I think it made an impression on me because I haven’t even considered myself following Catholicism for a long time. I have strayed for a long time from the church and I honestly don’t think I can go back. There is so much hypocrisy in the church, not only the church but all of Christianity is built on hypocrisy. Don’t get me wrong, the message is a wonderful message full of love and I am not at all faulting the message. Rather I am faulting the religious hierarchy for becoming a bloated, hypocritical bastard that has nothing to do with the religious belief and who instead of promoting the word of love now promotes intolerance.

This goes for all actual churches, Christianity, Islam, Judaism all are hypocrites, all of these religions have become shadows of what the “word” is. They all teach the opposite of their base beliefs and I totally have become disgusted with all Monotheisms.

Actually thinking about this, I think all of this thought pattern may have sprung from watching the Hercules marathon yesterday on sci-fi channel. Yesterday I sat watching and thought how much more relaxing it would be to believe in a pantheon of gods, all who had human foilables and you could understand why god/nature/destiny could be cruel and/or kind.

I have considered looking deeper into Paganism, my only problem with that is most of the current groups in  my area do the “new age” paganism, they mix the different deities together in prayers and worship (like I have heard several members of a local group at the same time they offer to Diana, Demeter, Pele, Inana) The funny thing is these groups don’t realize that the goddesses/gods they worship in historical context were believed to be highly jealous of each other and it would have been an insult to worship them together.

I hate the “new age” movement, I would rather some old fashioned paganism as in worshiping only one pantheon and kinda sticking to something “old” rather then reinventing old religions into a mishmash of separate deities into one worship. New age also bothers me (at least the group around here) with the “man bashing” they tend to be middle aged women who are bitter with men and in their “circles” do the same exact thing to men that they are bitter were done to them.

Sexism is just wrong either way, both sexes have something to offer and I dont think having a penis makes you better or worse then not having one.

hmm, my family was buddhist for 5 years, that went nicely, maybe I will look into buddhism.

Well bus is coming, have to run, sorry to only get half a thought down, just rambling today.

*note from 9/2018… wow I had some entitled man privilege there about sexism on both sides…

Early Wakeup

Well woke up just before 5am, due to anxiety dreams about my parents getting old and dying (and me getting old and being alone). I been having these on and off all fall. I think its partially because I am not working and worried about money.

Partially I think my subconcious is mourning that I will never have kids. Dont get me wrong, I am totally happy with just me and the wife but society pounds the whole idea of must having kids into your head so much I think this is one of the reasons why I have the dreams.

I also believe its because of school. I am stressed about my math class, and I am stressed that this is taking so long. I am sooo tired of hours of study but not a dime in paycheck :).

The final reason I think I am getting the dreams is for the first time in over a decade my parents are taking care of themselves. Before this they always needed money, or help or something, but for the last 3 months they have been doing better then me and my wife. LOL its almost the same thing parents go through when thier kids dont need thier help, grow up and move away.

Never mind me, just rambling.

Dreams Again

I woke up from another bizarre dream. It wasn’t a bad or horrible dream, just a strange dream.

I dreamed I got hired (while still going to school) at this furniture/prop making company. I got the impression we made props for movies (but I got other impressions later). It was a strange little company, they had no outside advertising, no big signs, nothing. After getting hired on the spot (I just walked in to fill out an application) I noticed that outside teh building was a huge pit of white powder (no I didnt think it was coke). I went out and was looking at it when some local neighborhood kids started riding thier bikes through it. The management freaked out about contamination (yet it was just sitting in the open it in open air). They kicked the kids out.

I went back inside, I still hadn’t heard how much I am making, I wondered back and forth and no one would tell me what we make, yet they were concerned I might not be happy. I got the blowoff by the guys in charge for awhile (I just wandered aimlessly). The big boss said hi and said the line I would be working on sometimes has female movie stars come in (to pick up furniture, or to work or what I didnt know). I then got told that they wouldn’t because we would be moving the next day.

When asked why, they said they were moving the building to a new location (I also found out that as they used the “white product” they had to move thier kitchen around so as it got used up, the kitchen got moved closer to areas that had the supplies. They told me that the female stars wouldnt be coming because they were not telling anyone where they were moving. I also realized that most of the people who worked at this small building actually lived there as well.

I became concerned I would have to live there as well. I then met Nathan (Zath from my clan) he was cool, he worked there and said it was an ok place. Then my new bosses told me I could choose to work 2 10 hour days, or 2 14 hour days but only monday through friday to pick from. I got worried because I still went to my current classes and wasn’t sure if I could arrange that around my classes.

Then my alarm clock woke me up this morning (I am getting up early to wake my little brother up to go to work.

Yes it was a strange dream, but the reason I am writing it down is that it was startling clear dream, very focused and very detailed. Strange……

Other then that, I have to get up, start on my lab for Ada and at least make an attempt before I give up 🙂

Have a good day.

Weird Dream

I had this dream last night. I was out in the desert and it was during WWII I believe. The whole setup was kinda like the game Battlefield 1942, except it was more realistic (I guess thats because I studied alot about WWII when I was younger).

I was sitting with a bunch of other people when we were attacked. The area was a few buildings and a bunch of cavelike things we could hide in. I ran around, shot a few things and finally hid out in a trench inside a cave (there was more then just me). This is also when I realized the people attacking us were Americans (I guess I was German, but my uniform and weapons were not quite right for that.

Well while I was hiding in the trench the Americans were slowly looking for us. I was hunkered down and I realized I was holding what I thought was a white cat. But it had a lot of features like a ferret as well. I was holding it tight to my chest so it couldnt make a noise (I got the sudden impression it was with the enemy looking for me and I didnt want it to alert others).

Then I realized that one of the Americans knew we were around there and kept wandering around the cave and the trench (everytime he walked around I would sneak to a different part of the trench). I realized the person looking for me was a priest, which worried me even more and I kept squeezing the cat/ferret thing tightly and biting it to make it stay quiet. I couldnt seem to get myself to kill it outright.

I woke up feeling bad I hurt the animal.

I am sure there is a lot to this dream I dont remember. I just thought I needed to write this down whe I woke up so I got up to do so. Looking at it now I am not sure it was a big deal to do so. I wake up alot from bad dreams that I want to write down but I dont and then it seems I have bad dreams on the same subject for long periods of time. I am thinking this may help.

The wierd thing, I wouldnt have considered the dream iself bad, it was very PG rating for the violence, the fear was real but what I really felt bad was about hurting the white cat/ferret/ratlike thing I was holding.

Dream and update

I had an intense all-night dream involving me being a “Jeckle and Hyde” type creature (I thought it was a “Hulk” thing at first). I was a murderer when I was a human but when I became the monster I felt remorse and tried to help. There was a lot more to the dream then that but I have been up for about 2 hours and have forgotten most of it. Maybe I will start a second journal just for dreams.

Other then that, things are going well, I am waiting to hear from the mini-mart but I got a feeling the reason they asked me to wait til Monday to find out was that they hired people and they wanted to see if they would work out before they gave me a final answer.

Tomorrow I am going with sage to see Tomb Raider 2 and probably go back to looking for work Wednesday (if I dont get hired today). I also need to call Manpower and bitch at them for not calling me in for temp work.

Overall I dont really need to work, its just nice to have the extra money. There are some things I want to buy for the wife and being broke doesn’t help.

My dad is really pushing I should try webdesign to make money (currently I have helped out several people with thier sites) and maybe he is right. I will think about it.

Other then that I am listening to the wife snore in the other room. She is soo cute, it always has this little birdie sound to it. Sometimes it just amazes me how much I love her, even just sitting and listening to her snore.

well thats it for now. I am starting to post more so you should read more shortly.

Dream 2-14-2003 (Happy Fucking Valentines day)

Ok, I just woke up from a fucked up dream so I figured I would start writing them down.

It was afternoon, I think it was Bellingham but its hard to be sure. The wife and I walked into this small shop that contained a lot of alternate lifestyle (eg, punk not gay) items. They had a lot of books, rings, whips, etc just about anything I could think of. The people that ran the shop were a couple. A super skinny alternative looking boy and his girlfriend who was also super tiny.

They both were mostly unclothed, barely had enough clothing on to be allowable in public, but I didnt mind to much. We wandered around the store, there were some cool things but nothing outstanding. Of course the guy was long winded and had the “I am so cool” attitude and was dismissive towards me, focusing all his energies on the wife (this should have been a warning sign to me, but all I felt in the dream was an annoyance at him, the way he acted to me is very similar to the way most of the people Doug and Jay hung out with acted towards me).

Meanwhile the cute punk girl was jabbering to me about things, I really wasn’t going to buy us anything because we were broke but I looked up and the wife was picking up things she liked so I was going through my wallet, its rare when the wife wants to actually buy something so I generally like buying it.

She brought over a large stack of stuff to the guy behind the counter, meanwhile the girl was jabbering to me quietly about different books, etc. I was leafing through a book when out of the corner of my eye I see The wife pull the boy’s pants down and start giving him a blowjob. I looked up confused for a moment, the punk girl was right next to me and mostly naked now, I got the impression at that exact moment that I could have sex with her if I wanted and nothing seemed untoward about the situation.

All of a sudden the I got the same exact gut wrenching feeling of rage that I haven’t felt in a long while, the urge to cave the punk boy’s head in .

The rage hit me so hard I immediately woke up incredibly angry and hurt. I still am feeling the same angry buzz I felt that night. I just don’t know why I am so upset.

I will stop now, I have no idea what I am doing or saying and Weylin just woke up and is roaming around so its not a thing I wish to dwell on. It was just a gut wrenching dream and I felt I needed to start a dream journal to maybe work through some of the fears/feelings I get from the dreams.

UW Seattle and Spouse Nightmare

Update note: I refer to my wife, that is indeed the same person that is currently my husband. 

I have been having nightmares for the past 4 days in a row and even though they are different they feel like they are getting worse. Normally I would tell the wife unit but she has been freaked out by her parents and sister and I haven’t felt I had the right to burden her. So what am I going to do? Yes I am going to burden all of you by making you hear about my nightmare from last night.

First I should give you some background. I occasionally will have streaks of nightmares. I haven’t had a horrible streak of nightmares in a few years but when I was younger I would have long streaks of wake up screaming nightmares. Usually it starts as fall approaches and I just noticed its fall again. Hmm coincidence? I think not.

Some other background info, when I was young (in high school) I got picked on by the jocks. The funny thing is I used to be a football player for neighborhood leagues but I got tired of the competition so I gave it up and my family moved up to B’ham. So while I went to high school in B’ham I had long hair and ratty clothes.

For the first few days I got picked on mercilessly, I think this is because the jocks knew I had not made any friends yet so there was no “clique” that would protect me. I tolerated the picking on for a while but I felt more and more trapped and one morning in jock hall (I had to walk down jock hall to go to my Drama class) they started taunting me again. Honestly what happened next was kind of a blur but I found myself picking out the biggest football player and like a screaming banshee I grabbed him threw him against a locker, kneed him several times and began pounding his face screaming I was going to bury him and the rest of the football team in the back field.

Now most of you who know me in real life must realize at the time I was 6 inches shorter and about 100lbs lighter (about 5’10 150 lbs or so). When I recovered from my temporary freak out the jocks had moved about 10 feet away from me and the burly guy I was holding was crying. I released him and walked away.

The weird thing is the principle was not informed by the jocks and they gave me a wide birth for the rest of my high school experience (I even became friends with a couple of the cooler jocks). Although to this day people who taunt me just piss me off, probably a holdover from this time period. Well I think that is enough of a background of what I think is relevant issues (well there are others but I don’t want to go into them, they are too personal to wish to post). Well here it is, the dream that freaked me out.

The wife had super short hair again (for some reason that’s my favorite) and was wearing some of her clothes that enhance what she looks like (e.g. short and leathery). We were both going to UW in Seattle and it appeared that we were both in some sort of lecture hall with low lighting. I was listening to the professor when I looked over and this girl was glaring at me for some unknown reason. I became very uncomfortable when I noticed three different guys glaring at me. They all had the “I am a jock but trying to look alternative” appearance and they began throwing shit at me and threatening me, this of course reminded me of high school and I felt a freak out coming.

Eventually the class ended with me having a small frenzy, I grabbed one of their desks flipped it over and explained in a very low voice to his ear that I would kill him if he didn’t leave me and mine alone. Well the three of them (with the girl) left the room and I had this feeling the shit was going to hit the fan so I caught up to my spouse outside the room. I found that she was talking and laughing with those three boys and yes I admit I am a jealous person but I didn’t feel it was my right to stop her from talking to people. They wrote their phone numbers on her arm and left.

I had this feeling I was going to have to fight all three of them at a time, I wasn’t scared of fighting them but I was worried about going to jail for giving the three of them a beat down. I got an extendable nightstick and hung it off my belt (you never know when they might jump you). Then spousal unit and I went outside and found ourselves in downtown Seattle. We wondered up a small street and sitting on a ledge by the street we saw our friend Kailey.

We sat down and talked, and the spouse told me she forgot something and she would be right back. Well I sat with Kailey talking and horsing around when after awhile I noticed she had not come back and I was becoming increasingly worried that something might have happened to her. Eventually I told Kailey I would be back later, got up and headed back into the school. Weirdly enough I found both my brother and my mother in the school but both claimed to not have seen her (and even in my dream state I thought it was weird to see both of them there).

I wandered through school until I noticed a line of boys at a doorway. Someone was taking money from them. There was the biggest pit in my stomach as I noticed that the guy taking money was the redhead of the three guys I got into the yelling match with. Part of me did not want to know and walk away. I knew what was going on, I could feel it in my gut. I whipped out my nightstick and hit the first jock so hard I heard a soft cracking sound and he dropped like a stone. I stepped in and saw the other two giggling and going over a pile of money. To my left I saw movement on a table (all I could make out where handcuffs and writhing on the table) and for some reason in my dream I knew what was happening but I couldn’t force my dream self to look.

I stepped forward and in a short time I dropped the other two jocks pretty quickly, the sounds of it reminded me of when I was 16 and did drop a jock with a baseball bat after he hit me with it first. I turned around and for a brief second I saw the spousal unit and this boy silhouetted, she was staring at me and I woke up (my gut felt on fire, I think my ulcers might be coming back) and the reason I woke up is because she was angry at me and I was unable to determine whether it was because I interrupted her and something she wanted to do or because I was late in rescuing her.

This dream freaked me out this morning so badly I had to get up and puke in our main bathroom. I realize by reading this, someone who was not me may not understand why its so horrific and it freaked me out so bad but I felt I needed to write it down and tell others and maybe I can prevent my dreams continuing on a downward spiral.

Unsettling Dreams

Well, I woke up this morning, my back hurts almost as bad as the first day, wonder whats up with it. That however is probably because of the dreams I had all night. I should have gotten up when I had them and wrote them down but I tried to go back to sleep and because of that I was unable to remember it all now (lol I have a short memory span anyways and trying to sleep makes it that much shorter).

It was weird, I dreamt about my grandmother and grandfather on my dad’s side. When I was growing up I was pretty close to both of them, they usually lived in same apartment complex as my parents (and in the last complex they lived next door). They used to spoil me rotten and unfortunately they didn’t treat my brother and sister the same. They would buy me all kinds of candy, pop, toys and I would stay at their house a lot. I remember sitting on their couch and watching John Wayne movies (what I didn’t find out til I was older was that because I was such a hyper active kid they would then turn around and feed me valium in the food to calm me down, boy was my dad pissed about that).

Its weird though, my grandmother died in 1983, when I was only 12. I remember when I heard she died, I was watching Jaws on TV. She had gone to the hospital many times so as a child I thought that was normal. I remember my dad coming over (I was at her and grandpa’s apt) and he told me, even to this day sometimes its hard for me to watch Jaws, lol bet that sounds weird, but I guess its those kind of memory cues that stick with you from being a kid.

After that I guess I was in partial denial, I feel bad because I treated my grandpa badly and was a total brat. eventually he came to live with us and for some reason I just avoided him (I found out later my dad absolutely hates him, he isn’t my dad’s real dad, rather he was a step dad and there were some abuse issues, but grandpa always bought me what I wanted and did whatever I asked him to). Finally my grandfather got moved to a nursing home here in Bellingham when we moved up. It was sad, he called me one day and asked if I would come over, I said sure but being 15 I was easily distracted and forgot to go. He died that night.

Its weird, to this day I feel very guilty about that, that has always bothered me that I never got to say goodbye and yet I had the chance to do it. Thinking back in hindsight I realize now I was scared of the nursing home and of seeing him in it but I still don’t think thats an excuse. ahh the wonders of Catholic guilt. Its amazing I haven’t been a practicing catholic for years and yet I still feel that guilt, ok thats a different rant I think.

Back to the dream. I dreamt I was in their old apartment and both of them were alive, but it was like being in a movie, I could see them, feel them but I couldn’t hear them. I could hear everything else, the tv, outside the birds but they would open their mouths and no sound would come out. This really bothered me for some reason and I woke up. As I laid in bed I realized something that bothers me even now. I can’t remember what their voices sounded like. It probably sounds weird and wussy but that really bothers me, I don’t want to forget them but I was pretty young when my grandmother died, and I didn’t see my grandfather much after her death, and when I did I treated him badly. I don’t want to forget their voices.

Sometimes its hard to remember what my grandmother looked like but if I think about it I remember. I guess I will stop now, I am bothered enough by this I don’t think I can write about it anymore.

Well I am off for my Visual Basic midterm, cya all later.