I just want to scream from the mountains, trumpet from the clouds, all that jazz, on how much I love my husband. He has meant everything to me through all the years. Both as my spouse and my best friend. While we have been together longer than 29 years, I am grateful to celebrate it with you.
It has been a long time since I was out and about in public as often as this last week. I forgot about the dozen microaggressions in each store, and the contrasting supporting smiles I get. This has been the most I have been in public with the new boobs, and the new fat transfer, for over a year and I started out feeling really good about myself… ya over the last two days that sort of ended a little harshly compared to where I started.
On Thursday we decided after work to go to Trader Joes and do a snack run for the weekend. I had a new Henley type top and felt really good. That only lasted about thirty seconds into Trader Joes when I had some old fuck look at me directly and brush across my boobs. Never apologizing and never doing anything but smirking. I have to be honest and say I was shocked at how brazen it was.
It has been awhile since I have been in that situation and honestly I just froze up. All I could do is concentrate on breathing and trying to get back with Wolsey (we had been separated) while avoiding anyone else that might brush up or touch me. The sad part was during the whole time I was angry at myself for not responding angrily at the man, especially when he would stare at me as he walked by with his wife several times in the store. Before the pandemic I would have said something to him, flipped him off or got Wolsey immediately. All I did though was just hope it went away.
By the time we got out of the store the hubby asked me what was wrong and why was I holding my hands in a weird way in front of myself. To be honest I didn’t realize I was doing that, and immediately tried to put my hands away. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him, I didn’t want him to be upset. Eventually he coaxed me into telling him and he was angry and reassuring. Angry at the asshole, reassuring to me and asked if I wanted him to go back, I told him no and that I just wanted to keep going. He completely respected me and we moved on.
We finished shopping at Winco, got some Subway and went home. The hubby was so incredibly nice to me. I am pretty fortunate that he is trans, I know a lot of cis guys were never through this experience and don’t understand (I was like that somewhat before I transitioned). He calmed me down and life was much better.
Remarkably about 14 hours later (about 8am) we had just gotten out of my brain MRI (good news, I don’t have a brain tumor!) and went to Denny’s before we had to go to other appointments. We entered Denny’s and I felt pretty good about myself, but we were seated next to what I am sure was a MAGA fuck. As we walked over I watched as he took pictures of me (I feel like I looked pretty good, I was a bit exhausted and disheveled from the MRI).
Wolsey saw this and we both looked at each other as we sat down. The guy who was less than 3 feet from us on the connected booth literally plugged his phone in the socket on the area between where Wolsey and him sat and began videoing me. The hubby immediately shifted where he sat and blocked it off mostly, and I shifted so he couldn’t get a good shot. I realize my t-shirt probably showed off my boobs pretty well (not visible below) but I looked tired, crappy and vulnerable. The hubby and I both believe that is what attracts these assholes, the vulnerability is what they can sense.
Wolsey asked if I wanted him to approach the guy. I had considered losing my shit on the guy, I considered having the hubby do it, but to be honest I was fucking tired and just wanted my breakfast. I could tell my social armor is worn down and I haven’t gotten practice with it lately, this happened before the pandemic quite a bit, but I had gotten accustomed to it (no one should have to, but it is a survival mechanism).
The funny thing was listening to the guy talk on his phone and tell people he didn’t have their money but he would next Friday… it was hilarious. In addition Wolsey didn’t confront the guy (doing as I asked) but he did make several awesomely world class snide remarks and observations about the guy loud enough the guy could hear it, but when the guy looked over at Wolsey, noticed all of his tats he evidently decided he wasn’t that offended and stopped videoing me. He did take a couple of those awkward angled photos when I came out of the bathroom but by then I was feeling a little better and I think whatever weakness he sensed was fading and he eventually stopped.
The problem I am having now (and it sucks but it is a good sign that occasionally my boobs fool men for a short time) is that I now get harassed sexually for looking feminine, and for being trans. Sometimes it is for being feminine (especially big boobs) that turns to transphobic when they make the realization
Life is still great, but sometimes it is rougher having to deal with people. Especially people in person. This is the biggest reason I have hesitated in dating (yes we are poly for those that don’t know), I am unfamiliar with how to traverse dating, let alone dating as a woman, and especially with the additional transgender subject.
I have to admit that I never understood why anyone would put botox or lip filler in before I transitioned. Not that I ever had a problem with it. I always felt a person should do what they want with their body as long as it made them happy, but I never understood it.
Well last month I decided I was tired of all the crinkles/wrinkles around my eyes, and that my lip wasn’t quite as full as I wanted (I wanted to wait and see how it healed for more than a year from the lip feminization surgery, which I love by the way).
So I made an appointment with La Belle Vie Cosmetic Medspa. They are the same overall facility that I got my second FFS surgery, tummy tuck and boob job (and where I will go for my thigh/butt lift after GCS). I wasn’t too sure what to expect, but I was sure that I wasn’t going to be impressed. As it turns out I was wrong.
I got to meet Anne Marie RN, who runs the medspa portion. She was incredibly kind, easy going and answered all my questions. The thing that impressed me more though was that she listened to us about trans concerns, and she questioned us about how other clinics worked. She really appeared at least to want to improve their facility (including possible electrolysis for trans patients).
I learned from her that lip fillers can last up to about a year, which was far longer than I have had other people say. I learned botox and the other various “tox” injections were much easier, less painful and most of all I learned that they do work.
The biggest thing I was impressed with though was that while there is always the normal additional options you can select, she recommended against some of them and instead recommended for under my eyes to get a blepharoplasty to have a better bang for my buck instead of just trying to use filler or botox which both might not be very effective but cost a lot more in the end.
I go in on the 26th of October to get a small dogear left over from my tummy tuck removed and I am going to talk to Dr. Mangubat about a blephoraplasty. I am pretty excited about that possibility.
The procedure itself wasn’t very painful, but immediately my lip for the filler began to swell up like Mike Tyson had punched me. Anne Marie was worried I was having a reaction and the hubby and I both had to reassure her that for whatever reason I swell up a lot, but it goes away super fast.
I also had to reassure her that I bruise easily, but it is normal. I go through this every time I go down to Phoenix to get electrolysis and that in no way is she at fault nor would either of us blame her. I have definitely had a worse reaction to electrolysis.
That being said she continued forward with injections to my forehead, around the outside of my eyes and my chin for botox, and lip filler in both lips. We didn’t touch under my eyes though because it might make my eyes sag worse (which is why I am going to speak to Dr. Mangubat about the Blephoraplasty).
By the end of it I was feeling pretty good and actually pretty surprised at how painless it actually was (needle in lip always hurts but was similar to lidocaine for my electrolysis). My face was looking beat up, and Anne Marie did explain it takes up to two weeks for the effects to be noticeable.
So the hubby and I decided to go by Old Navy to return some leggings while we were out (weirdly enough two different guys circled me while I was waiting for the hubby to try on some clothes, not to be confused by the three guys in Express a couple weeks later).
We then stopped at Aztecha for some Mexican food and then returned home where I took some photos of my lips and my face. Yep Mike Tyson did a number. What I was really surprised by was though as the swelling went down, the effect was good and I like how it looks.
I will be honest, it was expensive, and my face was beat up looking for a few days but I like the effect and to be honest I spent the first 50 years of my life avoiding spending money on what I wanted, how I looked and just for something that was for me. I think I will do this regularly though.
The next few days it all healed up pretty well. I had some bruising and swelling but nothing I would worry about.
The one thing I think that I am really happy about is that the hubby expressed some interest in maybe a bit of botox and blephoraplasty. He doesn’t express when he wants things like that very much and while I think he is fucking gorgeous, I want him to know that I want to spend as much money on whatever he wants just as much as I do mine.
In fact I feel much better about my own stuff if I know he is comfortable expressing if and when he wants something done for himself. Also, I think now a month later I can see the effect and it is really great (I am not sure the pictures will show it clear enough):
I am really enjoying how I look and feel in my body. not just gender wise (although that is the biggest portion) but all the other parts. Now that I am 50 I feel like I can make myself comfortable.
This is it, I turned 50 today and I am not sure what to really talk or consider about it.
I can tell you I don’t feel bad, I feel really good. I am in a great marriage of 29 years this year. I am happily working my way through the transition to be who I truly am, and we are financially stable (albeit in eternal debt). All of this is far beyond what I pictured at the age of 20.
I do think I look better now than pretty much any other time of my life. Not necessarily just because of my physical looks in general, but because what I see is more closely aligning with what I feel. That plus I have kept my 100+ pound weight loss off for two years now, I am feeling comfortable letting loose a little, I think I found a good set point.
That is it, no big insights today, just wanted to say I turned 50, my husband spent a wonderful day with me, and I am an incredibly happy woman. Here are some pics of the day of going out to breakfast with my hubby, then getting home and running him a game while our daughter attempted to get his attention for hours 🙂
Today I wanted to post a picture of my paternal grandmother and myself, and being in an ornery mood I thought I wanted a more unusual Throwback Thursday.
Here is me visiting my grandmother at the age of 1 or 2, sometime late 1972 or early 1973 at “Purdy”, aka Washington Correct Center for Women in Pierce County, one of two women’s prisons in Washington State.
I will eventually post a real post about her, but here is a spoiler, I loved her very much, and there is a reason why my dad was like he was, at least from his starting position.
I look back and I notice that the last post I did was the beginning of May, here it is the middle of June and now I am just getting around to posting. I suspect that is because this was a lot harder recovery from surgery the normal. I think it resulted in me having a huge disassociation for a few weeks and to be honest I am still coming around. Who would have thought a tummy tuck, liposuction and fat transfer to my waist/butt/thighs would be so intense.
Don’t get me wrong, my skull surgery was definitely more “invasive” but that was the only one. This last surgery was about liposuctioning off around 1.5-2 liters of fat around my mid-section (that is all he could get out of there) and putting it around my thighs, ass and hips. He did very well with that.
Combine that with removing a twenty inch wide, and at least 6-8 inches wide set of skin, and then using a plasma device to seal it down the wound recovery was far harsher then I had anticipated externally, not even counting the suck of wearing a compression suit for 30 days. The scar is pretty big, but already starting to retreat.
That being said I think the hardest part was going through two full doses of anesthesia for my March surgery with the thyroidectomy and my April surgery and recovery. I am doing well now, and I am fairly excited that I might get my GRS (is that the correct acronym now, it feels like it keeps changing) within 18 months, then that will be the end of transgender surgeries… unless of course I want to get a little vanity work done around my eyes, or get a thigh/butt lift after my GRS/GCS, both of which are options, but are more for my personal aesthetic then trans related.
Even with all this though, I haven’t pulled at my belly once and I feel like I look really good on my abdomen, thighs, butt and hips. That will be its own set of posts though, I just wanted to share here that I am alive, functioning at almost normal and feeling really good.
Seems I am coming out of my funk, that makes me feel better. Also will mean I hope to write more, sorry about the communications silence. I hate it when I do that.
Went to post-op yesterday. The fat transfer to my hips/thighs/butt is doing really well. Swelling is gone, we will see how much fat keeps. He said he could have used another liter of fat to finish what he wanted to do.
HAHA never wished I was a little fatter before (he stripped everything he could reach out of my mid-section and back to put it down there).
The tummy tuck incision (approximately 20″+ across) is healing well. He removed the packing with only one spot that needed air (and it is already better this morning). Evidently, he removed a tremendous amount of skin from my abdomen that was leftover because of the weight loss.
The swelling will take a long time to go down, but it looks good even now. From my understanding it takes about 2 months for the first 80% swelling to go down, then the rest over the next 4 months. He said it is swollen so much because they were extremely aggressive with the lipo and tightening the skin so when it’s done it will have the best look possible (I do not like the idea of a follow-up surgery so that is good).
I got home, went to bed, and woke up exhausted. Bleeding from my left hip a little, I probably twisted in my sleep and with it not packed, if formed a small tear. It is normal, especially for such a long wound line. Fortunately, I have a hubby who was a nurse for more than a decade, he fixed it up and it feels good.
Other than some pain, the worst part of this is immobility. I have to sleep on my back, in a compression suit (which honestly doesn’t bother me anymore, it is mostly the on my back). I forgot how much I hate only sleeping on my back when I got my breast augmentation last year. At least I don’t have 10lbs of new silicon on my chest I guess.
When I went to pre-op, one of the staff told me I will need to take 4 weeks off and it will be still a little rough. I took four weeks off (still have 2 to go on that) but I was sure I would be back early. I was wrong, LOL I don’t think I will be going back early at all.
Damn, I hate admitting I was wrong haha. That being said, I am healing well, and thank you to everyone who sent me messages ❤
I haven’t taken myself overly serious in a long long time. Before my transition that was because I just didn’t care anymore, after my transition I think it is because I have found myself and I don’t sweat silly looking things (not to be confused with dysphoria inducing things, that is a different kettle of fish).
My goal overall is to not shy away from the bad as well as to show off nice images of my life. So you will never find me artificially filtering my photos (other than maybe make them black and white, or if I am wearing makeup). I am who I am. Even if I am feeling crushed hard from surgery or something else.
Well it happened finally, on April 21st I went in and had “waist feminization”. This is a fancy way to say I had an Avelar Tummy Tuck due to massive skin left from losing 120+lbs. While the epic Dr. Mangubat was doing that, he liposuctioned all the fat he could and produced 1500ccs of fat he then transferred into my hips/thighs/buttocks. The fat transfer is a once in a lifetime possibility when removing the skin/fat on my abdomen, so I jumped on that.
This would give me a more hourglass shape. Currently I had a very rectangular shape (minus the boobs of course). From the side/back it was a rectangle with no real butt to talk about, no hip or waist. He was redistributing the area to give me a curve in the back and an actual hip/waist. Up until now, the only reason I appeared to have a waist was that apron of skin from weight loss.
Dr. Mangubat and his staff when we got there was AWESOME!!! He sat and talked with me for awhile, we did a little thing for his social media and he then drew out me in dozens of lines that I didn’t understand, and to be honest I am so impressed with plastic surgeons. It is an art of sculpting along with the whole surgery skill aspect.
The surgery went fantastically, but was brutal to get me home. The hubby had to get me into bed by himself and with me being 6’2″ and him being 5’6″ that must have been a funny thing. Although evidently it went way better than FFS 2 last year.
By the end of the first day, I woke up and tottered into the bathroom and saw in a mirror and saw I am bruised, battered AND SWOLLEN like the Michelin Tire person, but you can already see curves and I realize the swelling takes up to six months to go down. I also know that it is natural that your body won’t retain all the fat transferred, and the results should still be close, but may not be nearly what you think. It especially won’t be that size because I went in weighting 221lbs, and came out weighing 248lbs from the Tumescent fluid and inflammation.
Editor’s note, today exactly one week out I am back at 221lbs and swollen still like a mostly michiline tire person. Means I might have actually lost a couple of pounds since I am missing 50+ square inches of skin in my abdomen, not a recommended way to lose weight itself, but I will take it.
I figure I will stop with my post here at the first day, and upload as I can the rest of the recover (still only 1 week out so I have a lot of recovery to do).
Just an FYI, Wolsey is ok that in my memories I refer to him as a girl before he transitioned. My writing is a lot more awkward when I tried to change pronouns he used back then. He knows this and is ok with it (like I am ok with him referring to me as a boy before I transitioned).
Today marks the 30th anniversary of the first day my hubby Wolsey and I got together as more than friends and started dating.
After my first major relationship breakup with another woman a couple months before, I had moved into a room at the same house I had met Wolsey years before. This time I was the one living there and not Wolsey. I hadn’t been around Wolsey for several months due to some shit pulled by my ex-girlfriend to Wolsey, indicating to her that I didn’t want to see her (that will be its own post in the future). During this time, I had jumped four or five jobs in the space of a few months and was working in the paint department of Kmart.
March 17th 1991 started out as a normal day for me as I went to work at Kmart. It had been a long day when I got an announcement over the intercom saying there was a phone call for me on line 3. I remember it with clarity.
I pick up the phone and it is Wolsey’s voice. She seemed excited and maybe a little out of breath. All she asked was what time I was off. I was confused and excited. I hadn’t seen Wolsey in months. I had missed her but I figured she was off dating someone and doing her own thing. Her words to me on the phone were, “Don’t go anywhere.” It was a pretty commanding tone and I agreed to wait.
Twenty minutes later I hear stomping boots coming down the aisle and there she was dressed in a leather jacket, facial piercings, a very tiny shirt that revealed her feminine body quite explicitly, a mohawk, makeup, and the cutest purple crinoline skirt. I was getting off work about this time and she came up and hustled me to her truck and took me home.
We spent the next hour and a half talking where we reestablished contact and smoothed over our friendship. Over the next couple of weeks, we talked a lot and she kept showing up at my room. Wolsey was homeless at the time, but that didn’t bother me. I invited her in to my room and let her stay on my single-wide bed. I left out cans of ravioli, with a can opener and a spoon, for her to eat if she was hungry. Wolsey was always hungry and this was the one thing I knew she liked to eat.
On April 6th she showed up in my window while my friend Bryon was visiting. She waited patiently around, but I could tell she was impatient on Bryon leaving. I think at some point Bryon got the clue and made himself scarce.
For the next two hours she told me about a guy that she was really attracted to and wanted to date. To be honest I was absolutely crushed. I had always been in love with her from the first time I met her. She is who I had originally wanted to date, but we could never get our timing right and I do admit I was terrified. I was a horrible person, before I had dated my ex-girlfriend, Wolsey would invite me out to meet her for coffee and I would chicken out and leave her at the Horseshoe Cafe by herself waiting.
I was such a dick.
But now we had started talking and I had started thinking maybe we could work out. I had gotten my first time sleeping with a woman out of the way with my ex-girlfriend and I wasn’t terrified of girls so now I had been hoping maybe things would work out.
I never mentioned how crushed I was. I just was super supportive of her interest in someone. After all she was my best friend, and I knew that more at the time then I had realized before. However she just kept looking at me weird when I was so supportive of it. She realized I didn’t think it was me and then it became a game.
For two hours she poked me and made me try to guess who she wanted to date. I was an idiot and didn’t realize what she meant and assumed it was another guy much cooler then me. Eventually she told me to shut up and said it was me. I was stunned and couldn’t say anything. I think my brain literally shut down for a moment. All I could hear was static and I was sure I had misheard her. There was no way she was interested in someone as uninteresting as me.
Then she kissed me.
We spent the night together, and honestly we have only slept apart since then we we broke up for a several month period after the following Thanksgiving, and after we got back together we have only ever been apart due to surgeries, or travel for work (which has only been in the last 7 years).
So basically I just need to tell my husband that I love him more than anything, and I am really glad he liked the ravioli I set out on the window sill enough to date me :). It has been an awesome 30 years, and I hope we get another 30 years at least.
I LOVE YOU WOLSEY, more than all of the rest of the universe combined.