2012-09-05 Pre-Transition: Atheist Bullies Exist as Well

Original Airdate: 9/05/2012
Upload Date: 10/07/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Bullies and Athiesm

Sadly being a dick isn’t only a religious based idea, it is evident everywhere. Atheists need to try and be more tolerant if they want their ideas to gain traction.


I have been really quiet for the last five plus weeks since surgery. Mostly because it has been a real emotional rollercoaster, and also because I wanted to see how it turned out before I posted about it. The very brief TL;DR of it, IT WAS A RESOUNDING SUCCESS, even though there might have been some crying along the way (or more than “some”) I feel it was all worth it.

Here is the Too Long Didn’t Read Comparision before surgery and after.

The day of surgery was actually really good. We ended up getting up early, prepping and heading in. The traffic was extremely light and we got there in record time. I will admit that I was a bit more nervous about this then I was the first surgery. The first surgery I didn’t care how well they did in Scottsdale, it would be better than where I was at. This I was a bit more worried, not only that something might go wrong and I will have to take a step back, but that it won’t have any effect at all.

Once I got into the surgeon’s clinic they sat me down and Dr. Mangubat went through and marked my face and chest. I am always amazed at the sculpting ability of good surgeons. I look at those lines and it means nothing, but they can create works of art (just like people who draw out patterns). Changing something from two dimensional lines to a three dimensional form is pretty fantastic. Also, Dr. Mangubat and his assistant were awesome. I wish I could remember his assistant’s name, he was also a very skilled surgeon learning the trade from Dr. Mangubat. Dr. Mangubat himself was incredibly kind, jovial and reassuring.

To be perfectly honest I know they rolled me into the surgical suite, I remember the nurse talking with me and giving me an IV and the next thing I remember is waking up in my bed at home. What I do know from talking to the husband is that surgery lasted about 6 hours, about half the time of my surgery with Dr. Ley. He got me into the car and drove me home.

I do know from him as he tells me even now how hard I was to get up the stairs. I might weigh a 100lbs less, I still am 6’2″ to his 5’6″ and I outweigh him by 40 lbs. The stairs were evidently an issue. I am told I stopped in the middle of the stairs and wouldn’t move. Hubby had to yell at me to get going (and it sounds in the same manner my dad would when he needed us to do something).. Thank you hubby for getting me in to the house and into bed.

The next few days were sort of a blur. I remember lying in bed, the hubby feeding me and giving me pain meds and then the hubby playing video games while he laid beside me. By Monday though I was feel really good about myself. I was really liking how it was looking and things were good.

We went to the follow up appointment where they took off my main head wrap and looked over the incisions (there were a lot). The docs all seemed happy, I was happy and life was good. They gave me a wrap to put around my head and neck to help the skin heal tight.

Meanwhile my boobs were healing excellently. I had to wear a weird little maternity bra, but they were huge and somehow the doc fit 800cc implants in through my armpit, so no scarring under the boobs.

Within a day and a half though, the skin around my incisions started having a skin reaction. Much like when I have an allergic reaction to bacitracin or other antibiotics. It started getting bad and we called the doctor back. They immediately the next day had me come in to look at it. No one was sure what I was reacting to. It could be the wrap around my face, it could be the staples in my head or it could just be a normal infection.

Whatever it was, Dr. Mangubat put me on anti-fungal, an antibiotic and an antiviral. The worry was the infection would reek havoc with my healing and skin. I am glad I saw him immediately. He actually commented that it was unusual that a patient be so proactive. I blamed my hubby being a nurse, my own experience in a doctors office, but honestly it was also my anxiety. Probably mostly my anxiety that propelled me.

I will admit I was also having weird panic attacks. I felt like I couldn’t breath at night with everything wrapped around my head. I was short tempered and I did have an emotional/anxiety breakdown. To be honest nothing was ever that bad, but the rebound from surgery and just all the stress had caught up with me. Also, I do not do well with opioids. They aren’t the most effective to begin with and they wreck me emotionally, every single time.

I had one night with a complete breakdown and I was a jerk to Wolsey and lost my shit, panicking that I had somehow fucked my face up and all the work the surgeons had done. I am grateful that he loves me so much. Also things started healing up, although the breathing panic attacks still happened at night. However I was looking way better.

Later that week after things had calmed down I talked to my therapist (they specialize in LGBTQ, Trauma and Trans stuff) and they mentioned it isn’t uncommon. Both my dysphoria and evidently inability to breath at night. The dysphoria is kicked off as a delayed sort of thing. It isn’t any regret on my part, but rather just processing (and not even close to the processing I will probably be doing over the years). The other part was the breathing. Evidently it is not uncommon for trans women to be uncomfortable trying to breath laying down. The fact I have 38H sized breasts with 1600cc’s worth of silicon on my chest is a new sensation and is just my body getting used to things feeling different. Evidently trans guys go through the opposite sometimes, they feel light chested.

That did make me feel better, and it definitely made me realize I wasn’t the only person going through this.

However within a few days, with the help of all the meds, my face started healing up. My breasts were already in good shape healing wise and I had no problems sleeping after the first couple of weeks. By the time my one month had arrived I was in pretty good shape and now 7 weeks out the scars are starting to fade out. I am so happy with what happened. I can’t thank Dr. Mangubat and his associate enough, but I most especially can’t thank my husband enough. He helped me get the surgery, he took care of me, and I hope he understands how much I truly love him.

I even took some photos of me several weeks after the fact just to see what I looked like.

That is it, things are great and I attached all the pictures above plus several extra as a gallery below.



This will be real quick. I have been quiet lately because of anxiety and a little depression as my surgery comes up. Well it is 12 hours from now and when I get home I will have breast augmentation, lip feminization and my second FFS.

It is local so no big trips and I will come home to sleep in my bed so that is going to be great. Mostly I am grateful to my husband for loving me and taking care of him.

I just wanted to pop in and share that. I will be back soon!

It’s On!

I called into my surgeon today and low and behold… we are on for my surgeries. As of June 12th, I will be getting my breast augmentation, lip feminization, and lower face feminization (extended facelift).

The COVID stay at home order has been good for a lot of things. We stay at home putting our money away instead of spending it. That means I have 3/4 of the money saved away for my portion of the surgery. The remaining 1/4 will take the rest of summer but by the end of summer this should be paid for (although we are still paying for last year’s FFS).

I am both incredibly excited, and honestly a little overwhelmed. I hadn’t realized that the whole COVID situation bothered me, but I suspect it has bothered me a lot more than I realized. As soon as my good news came, my defenses came down and now I am having an anxiety attack.

I am sure the other part is anxiety about the surgery. What if it doesn’t work? What if something bad happens and I come out worse? What if I eventually have to learn how to deal with myself with no surgery coming up to lay all my problems off on? I suspect that the last question is the one I will be dealing with.

However, for now I can put it off. This surgery will be June 12th, our pre-0p is May 29th and our postop visit is June 15th. I am scheduled off from work until mid-July and I plan on arranging a flight down to Arizona for electrolysis starting mid/late August and going every 8 weeks until my face is done (well also my groin, we have that too).

This doesn’t even count my June 5th visit to the urologist about the Peyronie’s Disease. Someday I won’t have surgeries and appointments like this. I think that will be both a fantastic and scary/stressful thing.

In the Middle – the Penis

This is a TMI warning to everyone. The following post is about my masculine junk that sits between my legs. No one talks about it, and I found some transitional things out the hard way, so I figure I would post about it to those who are curious about what really happens.

This is my viewpoint, only my experiences. Other trans/nonbinary people (MTF, FTM or nonbinary will have different experiences). You are warned from this point out. Also, this post is JUMBO, and I don’t apologize for it. It’s a complicated subject matter I haven’t really talked about before… but I am sure I will talk more in the future (also JUMBO is an inside joke you will get if you read this). Continue reading “In the Middle – the Penis”

In the Middle – Surgical Things.

I know it has been a little while since I last wrote. I swore I would have time to write more, but things have been a little anxious and nerve-wracking and I haven’t had the energy to sit down and write. The good news is that I have gotten to help copy edit the husband’s first book in his new urban fantasy. When we publish it I will tell you all about it.

I have noticed lately that I get the most anxious when I am stuck in the middle of something. Right now, that is EVERYTHING in my life. Work, hobbies, trying to figure out if we are going to buy a house someday in our future. The middle has never been a good place for me, and unlike all other times, I am kind of trapped and have to deal with it, instead of jetting everything and starting something new.

The biggest thing that bothers me being stuck in the middle is of course my transition. That is the elephant in the room, the one huge thing about me that is still in flux and not moving along fast enough for me.

Whether it’s surgical, looks, or financial it seems to all come back to not being able to wrap up anything definitively involving my expressing who I am in the way that feels like me. I do really horrible with that. I figured this post would be about most of my surgical in-between frustrations (I have other posts about being in the middle of my look/dysphoria, but that would make this way too long to read if combined here).

Surgical is the easiest to actually talk about. The stay at home order came right as I was supposed to get my breast augmentation. I agree with the governor, I believe the stay at home order is a good one, I just get frustrated that everything was put on hold. This is a selfish thing, and I don’t wish it to end the stay at home sooner than it is needed, but I do wish to whine about it here.

I think the worst part was knowing the surgery was probably going to be canceled. However the two weeks went by and I heard nothing, so I had some hope there. Of course it happened literally right when we were getting ready to climb in our car for my pre-op appointment. I saw their name on the phone and I knew what it was.

They were sweet about it, and when I asked if we could still come in and talk about additional options they didn’t even hesitate and we drove up anyways. I figured if my surgery was getting indefinitely postponed, maybe we could talk about additional options for when we could do it.

After a great discussion with our surgeon we did walk away with a good point about the postponement. The doctor was interested in our rearranging to get more stuff done at once (of course he was interested, that is a bigger paycheck for him). Both the hubby and I figured maybe we could save some money if we combined surgeries. You know, that whole economy of scale, or in this case not paying for a surgical room a second time, and not paying additional anesthesia, after all, I am already unconscious, why not just do more.

Pushing the pause button means that when we start back up (hopefully this month) I will get my second part of FFS/Lip Feminization done at the same time as my breast augmentation. We also decided to swing for an extended face-lift. That will help feminize parts of my face, and the secondary effect of making me look younger is good too. After all, the hubby deserves to have an attractive bride on his arm…HAHAHAHAHA.The stay at some order has been good in other ways too. The hubby and I eat out a lot, and we tend to spend a good chunk of money on activities. In addition we have huge student loan payments (ok these aren’t fun, but they are required). The stay at home order cancelled all of that including postponing student loan payments. This combined with the fact that we can both still work from home has been useful. I have been able to put away more than half to the money for the surgery in cash, enough so that I can pull the second half from our line of credit and pay the surgeon 100% meaning we get a $750 or so discount on my lip feminization/FFS/facelift. So it was good. It will basically stall our paying back for my first surgery three months, but it won’t put us in any more debt. Even so, I am still frustrated by the wait, but in this case, it had a positive effect.

What you may find surprising though is the surgery wasn’t the worst thing for me.My electrolysis is by far the more frustrating surgical/procedure thing that is affecting me. My beard is the absolute worst thing on my body. I hate it with a passion of a thousand suns. I literally get anxiety attacks in the afternoon if I can see the five o’clock shadow building up. It is the absolute worst thing to impact my dysphoria and I would do almost anything to just snap my fingers and it be gone forever.

However, I do know this is temporary. We are going to be hitting up the electrolysis again when WA and AZ are both open (I fly down there for it), and that will happen eventually. Until then I will just shave twice a day and freak out quietly in my room. There isn’t anything I can do about it at all, I just have to wait it out. As all my long term friends can vouch for… I don’t do well at waiting for anything.

There is an additional surgical/medical thing even more frustrating and actually painful, but I will post separately about that. It is way too much TMI for most people (won’t stop me posting) but I will separate it as its own so people can skip the whole entry if they want. So stay tuned for that.

The only surgeries other than the TMI one I haven’t talked about is a possible tummy tuck in a year. My weight loss has been maintained at over 100lbs lost, which means I have excess skin around my belly and a bit on my thighs. It isn’t nearly as impacting as my face/electrolysis or even my groin, but it does bother me a lot. I never realized how crappy women’s clothing can make you feel if you have parts that don’t fit so well. Definitely a sobering experience going through it compared to what I “thought” it was when presenting as a guy. That being said, I am not too worried about the skin and it and can wait :).

That is my in-between for medical, more medical coming along with how I feel about being in the middle looks wise. Thanks for reading 

Workout Weirdness

In the last couple of weeks, I have started working out at Planet Fitness again. I have surgery coming up in 7 weeks and when the surgery is over I will have significantly larger breasts, meaning possible back concerns.

So I have started weight training (mostly focused on core, legs and back, just to handle the changes and to be a little healthier) plus bicycling. I want my 22-year-old bicycling butt again, in a girl’s body, it will be awesome.

So last week I went to the gym three times, A Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, all at 4am or earlier (might as well do something with my insomnia). The place was empty. Fast forward to today, I went in on my first Monday and it was packed with guys.

Me in the car
Here I am leaving the gym.

I was a little uncomfortable, I hadn’t shaved or put makeup on and my boobs are noticeable now. I figured what the hell though, my face looked dirtier then unshaven and why would they bother? By the end of the workout, I realized how much male privilege I had before my transition.

No one would look at me back then, no one cared. During my 45 minutes in the gym today, all four guys hovered around the machines I was using, instead of the same exact machines that were open.

I would catch them staring at my boobs in the mirror, and after a short while, they started trying to look at my face (my hair was in front of it a lot). I think they were all confused for a while, the boobs were obvious, but I don’t pass so the confusion was there. Also, my hips and butt are starting to feminize pretty nicely.

So I spent the workout uncomfortable, being stared at by 4 guys and trying to not have them notice that I noticed. I bailed on the bicycle today. I think I can’t go into the gym without makeup now, I realize it doesn’t really help but it does help me mentally put a barrier up. I also won’t be doing Mondays again.

I mean the whole point of working out at 4am is to not be looked at. If they are going to look at me I will probably just go in the afternoon. At least then I will already have makeup on and be shaven.

The hubby explained even if I pass I will get stared at like that, and I cannot apologize enough to the women of the world. It never dawned on me as a guy that everything is inspected. I have to admit I am sure I checked out every woman in the gym when I worked out as a boy. I don’t remember doing so, but it was natural as a guy, and I never considered how the women might have felt… agghh I hate learning I was doing asshole things after the fact.

Blood Bank Shit Show

I had wanted this week to write about the stresses of the passing of my parents. I also wanted to talk about music. Instead, I went to a blood bank drive put on by my work (through a third party) and instead had one of the worst at work experiences for my transition. Continue reading “Blood Bank Shit Show”

Breast Augmentation Consult

I have been at four consults with different surgeons trying to get a feeling for who I wanted to go with. Last night I saw Dr. Antonio Mangubat and I decided he is the guy. Funny enough, he is the guy who did the FTM top surgery for my husband back in 2016.

The surprise I have had overall is the wide variance between surgeons and how they handle things. They are all good surgeons, but I hesitated at each of the three previous surgeons because it just didn’t feel right for whatever the reason. Now however, I will be getting 800cc implants in April and I am excited. Another great part is the fact that my insurance is going to pay for it.

Wearing an 800cc sizer to see how my new breasts will sit.

I did want to talk about my consultations a little though. The four doctors all very qualified, but very different.

Dr. Javad Sajan – a great surgeon in Seattle did my original consult back in November of 2018. He is a very personable guy, but I wasn’t happy with what his before/after pictures are for trans ladies, and he seemed to want to go with a smaller size on me, which thinking about is probably what I was seeing in those trans ladies photos… implants that for me looked too small for their frames.

Also he was a little too much into self-promoting/instagram/etc. Made me uncomfortable. Also they didn’t like taking insurance (they refuse to contract with my insurance but agree to do it as out of network, meaning it can be turned down by my insurance if he tries and charge too high a price. This does not mean he is a bad surgeon, but that combined with a lot higher prices meant he wasn’t my number one pick (but still in the running until I sat with Dr. Mangubat)

This was from my testing at Dr. Sajan in November 2018, it isn’t bad, but the 800cc at Mangubat seems better feeling to me.

Dr. Ellie Zara Ley – a fantastic surgeon who did my FFS bone work, although the office interaction/after care could use a little touch up. The reason in the end I didn’t go with her was because first, it is in Scottsdale and I don’t really care to stay another two weeks in a hotel in Arizona if I don’t have to. The extra cost of the flight down, the hotel stay, food, etc makes this not my favorite.

On top of that she explained she would decide what looked right for my body frame once I was under and do it with an expander. She is a wonderfully artistic person, but I wasn’t to keen on waking up not knowing what to expect.

I wouldn’t ever change Dr. Ley having done my FFS although it hurt a lot (April 2019).

Dr. Christiane Ueno – a fantastic Kaiser surgeon. She actually walked me through all the questions I should ask, and she was very knowledgeable. The biggest reasons I didn’t go with her was the upper limit on size, she didn’t think she could go above 600cc (which was in the lower range of what I wanted) but especially her equipment only let her go through the bottom of the breast, not through the armpit. This means very visible scars, not the highest on my list, but she is still a great surgeon.

Dr. Antonio Mangubat – The surgeon I am going with and an overall great choice. First and foremost I was experienced with his office (only Dr. Ley scored for similar reasons) and I knew his office was responsive to concerns and were there 24/7 during recovery.

Also Dr. Mangubat is the one that liked the 800cc and explained how it would help camoflauge the center of my chest and give me a proportional shape. He didn’t have any prejudgments on what I was interested in. Also, his before/after photos blew everyone else’s out of the water, and when I look at my husband’s top surgery results I see that he is a good surgeon.

The hubby went through hell, but his results were really good (this is him post FTM top surgery)

Also it helps that he is the second closest surgeon to our home, meaning I will get the surgery done and come home to my apartment to heal. He also didn’t hesitate about FMLA paperwork or taking my insurance.

Dr. Mangubat’s office is going to contact our transgender case manager Raelean today and will arrange the insurance coverage. We talked about possible dates and when I asked about April they said that shouldn’t be a problem at all. This gives my hubby a chance to work a few audits, and me a chance to get ready physically and mentally. Also it is kind of funny that it will be approximately a year after my FFS that I get my breast augmentation (same month, one year later).

I am super excited about this!