I know it has been a little while since I last wrote. I swore I would have time to write more, but things have been a little anxious and nerve-wracking and I haven’t had the energy to sit down and write. The good news is that I have gotten to help copy edit the husband’s first book in his new urban fantasy. When we publish it I will tell you all about it.
I have noticed lately that I get the most anxious when I am stuck in the middle of something. Right now, that is EVERYTHING in my life. Work, hobbies, trying to figure out if we are going to buy a house someday in our future. The middle has never been a good place for me, and unlike all other times, I am kind of trapped and have to deal with it, instead of jetting everything and starting something new.
The biggest thing that bothers me being stuck in the middle is of course my transition. That is the elephant in the room, the one huge thing about me that is still in flux and not moving along fast enough for me.
Whether it’s surgical, looks, or financial it seems to all come back to not being able to wrap up anything definitively involving my expressing who I am in the way that feels like me. I do really horrible with that. I figured this post would be about most of my surgical in-between frustrations (I have other posts about being in the middle of my look/dysphoria, but that would make this way too long to read if combined here).
Surgical is the easiest to actually talk about. The stay at home order came right as I was supposed to get my breast augmentation. I agree with the governor, I believe the stay at home order is a good one, I just get frustrated that everything was put on hold. This is a selfish thing, and I don’t wish it to end the stay at home sooner than it is needed, but I do wish to whine about it here.
I think the worst part was knowing the surgery was probably going to be canceled. However the two weeks went by and I heard nothing, so I had some hope there. Of course it happened literally right when we were getting ready to climb in our car for my pre-op appointment. I saw their name on the phone and I knew what it was.
They were sweet about it, and when I asked if we could still come in and talk about additional options they didn’t even hesitate and we drove up anyways. I figured if my surgery was getting indefinitely postponed, maybe we could talk about additional options for when we could do it.
After a great discussion with our surgeon we did walk away with a good point about the postponement. The doctor was interested in our rearranging to get more stuff done at once (of course he was interested, that is a bigger paycheck for him). Both the hubby and I figured maybe we could save some money if we combined surgeries. You know, that whole economy of scale, or in this case not paying for a surgical room a second time, and not paying additional anesthesia, after all, I am already unconscious, why not just do more.
Pushing the pause button means that when we start back up (hopefully this month) I will get my second part of FFS/Lip Feminization done at the same time as my breast augmentation. We also decided to swing for an extended face-lift. That will help feminize parts of my face, and the secondary effect of making me look younger is good too. After all, the hubby deserves to have an attractive bride on his arm…HAHAHAHAHA.The stay at some order has been good in other ways too. The hubby and I eat out a lot, and we tend to spend a good chunk of money on activities. In addition we have huge student loan payments (ok these aren’t fun, but they are required). The stay at home order cancelled all of that including postponing student loan payments. This combined with the fact that we can both still work from home has been useful. I have been able to put away more than half to the money for the surgery in cash, enough so that I can pull the second half from our line of credit and pay the surgeon 100% meaning we get a $750 or so discount on my lip feminization/FFS/facelift. So it was good. It will basically stall our paying back for my first surgery three months, but it won’t put us in any more debt. Even so, I am still frustrated by the wait, but in this case, it had a positive effect.
What you may find surprising though is the surgery wasn’t the worst thing for me.My electrolysis is by far the more frustrating surgical/procedure thing that is affecting me. My beard is the absolute worst thing on my body. I hate it with a passion of a thousand suns. I literally get anxiety attacks in the afternoon if I can see the five o’clock shadow building up. It is the absolute worst thing to impact my dysphoria and I would do almost anything to just snap my fingers and it be gone forever.
However, I do know this is temporary. We are going to be hitting up the electrolysis again when WA and AZ are both open (I fly down there for it), and that will happen eventually. Until then I will just shave twice a day and freak out quietly in my room. There isn’t anything I can do about it at all, I just have to wait it out. As all my long term friends can vouch for… I don’t do well at waiting for anything.
There is an additional surgical/medical thing even more frustrating and actually painful, but I will post separately about that. It is way too much TMI for most people (won’t stop me posting) but I will separate it as its own so people can skip the whole entry if they want. So stay tuned for that.
The only surgeries other than the TMI one I haven’t talked about is a possible tummy tuck in a year. My weight loss has been maintained at over 100lbs lost, which means I have excess skin around my belly and a bit on my thighs. It isn’t nearly as impacting as my face/electrolysis or even my groin, but it does bother me a lot. I never realized how crappy women’s clothing can make you feel if you have parts that don’t fit so well. Definitely a sobering experience going through it compared to what I “thought” it was when presenting as a guy. That being said, I am not too worried about the skin and it and can wait :).
That is my in-between for medical, more medical coming along with how I feel about being in the middle looks wise. Thanks for reading