Directions… or lack of one

Tally says hi

I have really been wanting to talk about everything happening. Ranging from COVID to Trump, to elections, to not having the ability to do things out of the house, all the way to my having to cancel electrolysis in December. The hard part though is there is a lot of stress and it sort of opens up more stress and trauma I never have wanted to deal with. This means I have been fighting with my depression and tendency to self-sabotage.

Lately, I have opened up with my therapist about some stuff that only Wolsey knows about (not even my siblings or older friends). I do plan on talking about that (writing it out is how I work with it) but it’s still way too fresh. I do however need to make room for dealing with the new trauma, so that means I will probably start writing about the old trauma. I only have so much room and that is how I get it away from me.

I am only posting this now so you can unfollow if you don’t want to read that kind of stuff, also because with peremptory posts like this it helps smooth things out for myself to write about. It takes forever for me to say what I need to say, and these little posts help me inch into a place I can talk. I think I can finally start processing my childhood… but that will take time and this is how I start.

Also, I wanted to say that the one direction that I am proud of in my life is my marriage to my husband. He celebrated his 49th birthday a couple of weeks ago and I am just so proud to have been married to him for more than 28 years now. So I wanted to wrap this up by saying I love you to my best friend, lover, spouse, and soul mate.

I LOVE THIS MAN MORE THAN ANYTHING… I LOVE YOU MY HEART!!!

CoaA: Wedding Day

So, you haven’t seen CoaA posts yet, have you? Well, that is because that stands for “Confessions of an Asshole” and this is my first post. Mostly it means that like other people I talk about here, I also will talk about my own failings, including when I am absolutely the asshole. Sadly that happens more often than I like to admit, especially when I was younger.

I felt the first thing I would talk about was my wedding day and the fact that my husband, who was my wife at the time, should have probably just dumped me there and then. Also, I will probably reference “my wife” because it is hard to separate who we were then. I find myself having a very hard time referencing him as him when I remember the small girl or shapely woman in the memories. He is ok that I reference him like this, just like I am ok that he references me as his husband whenever he talks about our past.

Our wedding was itself actually pretty great for what it was. The asshole part didn’t come until it was over, but it was still unacceptable, 100% unacceptable.

I had originally asked my husband to marry me when we first started dating in the summer of 1991. We lived on Alabama Street in the 1900 St apartments. I was working 2 shifts on, one shift off for weeks straight and when I asked her to marry me, she said no. I knew she wasn’t into marriage to begin with, and I suspect subconsciously I knew she was starting to pull away so I probably felt that would help things.

There is hubby (when he was my GF in summer 1991). I think just a couple weeks before he rightfully dumped me. There will be a post about the asshole I was then as well.

Fast forward two months and we had broken up, then got back together six months after that. By this time we ended up living on Kulshan Street I believe, and she surprised me by asking me to marry her. I agreed immediately.

This is when he asked me to marry him. This is not the first time he saved my life. About 10 months after that last picture above.

We decided we didn’t want a big marriage, we were just going to a judge with a few friends and family and get it done. Wolsey was an atheist (just coming out of new age stuff) while I was a weird mix of buddhist and catholic, but nether of us wanted a church wedding. We also didn’t want any sort of debt, we were poor and we both knew that her father and mother weren’t going to pay for it (and even if they did we wouldn’t accept the strings with it).

So fast forward to the day of our ceremony. We celebrate (and have since renewed our vows) our wedding day on Halloween. In 1992 unfortunately Halloween fell on a Saturday (much like this year), meaning we had to have a judge marry us on a very dark, wet, and stormy Friday. I was freaking out in my head. Not because I thought marrying that beautiful girl was bad, but I thought I was bad for her, and that honestly, I didn’t deserve any of it. She calmed me down and we proceeded.

Here, right before the wedding the asshole waits on the right …

We showed up with Wolsey’s family, my mother, siblings, our friend Aaron who was the best man. We showed up at the courtroom of Judge Ross, a man with a huge handlebar mustache. He quickly and dryly started going through the ceremony, it was probably the most anticlimatic ceremony you would ever see. That is until Judge Ross stared at the papers in front of him, stopped talking as he looked up at me and looked around the room.

We all sort of looked around confused when he asked me… IN MID CEREMONY… “Are you related to John Bradley?”

Dad and Mom a year or two earlier.

My mom froze, I froze, Wolsey froze and everyone else just looked confused. This is where the judge started talking about how he had issued a warrant for my father John Bradley’s arrest. I think this time it was about my dad beating the shit out of a couple officers when he was drunk, and not paying the fines. The bailiff looked around and I know they checked outside the door as well. This took a few minutes until it was clear my dad wasn’t here. He asked a couple of times if my dad was here or if we knew where he was.

Of course we said we didn’t know where he was, but the truth was my dad was waiting downstairs in the car. We all knew he had a warrant, but none of us imagined that Judge Ross would interrupt our marriage ceremony for that, especially if my dad wasn’t there.

After some more awkwardness, he continued the ceremony and we finished it off. It was both anti-climatic and very awkward. However to me, it didn’t matter, I was married to the most beautiful person in the world, and I was happy, but also freaked out even more than my wife was now stuck with me.

As a gift to us after the wedding, Wolsey’s parents took us to dinner at the Top of the Tower in Bellingham. For Bellingham it is considered one of the nicest restaurants in the county. My stress level was incredibly high at the moment, and when we stepped into the building that the restaurant was in, caught the elevator to the top of the building, and got out, I was fairly overwhelmed. I had never been to the dining side of a four-star restaurant. Not as a customer (I had worked as a dishwasher/prep cook at the Marina restaurant a couple years before, but never sat in a booth). Below are Wolsey’s parents Clark and Debbie.

To be honest, as someone who had been homeless with his family for years, and for many years before and after that we were evicted constantly, with our food mostly provided by food stamps, the whole aura of the restaurant was too much. I don’t think I talked too much as we sat down to have dinner.

To be honest I had fully disassociated at this point. At the time I never knew that people didn’t get out of body feelings when they were stressed, my life had been full of violence, alcoholism, homelessness and poverty. I thought it was normal. That happened here.

I don’t recall most of what we talked about over that dinner. I do however remember getting a check from Wolsey’s parents for $500. It was far more money than we had at the $4.25 an hour or so we made, also something we immediately used to pay bills.

We were sitting there and I do remember one clear thing. I got a black coffee placed in front of me, a small container of sugar, and a small ramekin filled with what I thought was whipped cream. I hesitated and was confused about why we got whipped cream with our coffee. At home we had milk and instant coffee, I had never heard of this… maybe it was a dessert coffee you get at the beginning of a meal?

Wolsey noticed my hesitation and squeezed my leg under the table. I don’t know if it was purely for reassurance of if she was trying to indicate what the whipped cream was for. That is when I saw her father watching me intently, he then reached over to his coffee, took a spoonful of what I thought was whipped cream, and put it in his coffee, thereby lightening it.

I noticed that Wolsey’s mother Debbie hesitated and looked confused when she saw Clark put what turned out to be creamer in his coffee. She asked him why did he use creamer, he NEVER uses creamer, he just sort of waved her off and said he wanted some tonight. She looked pretty confused.

I immediately followed suit and noticed he gave me the slightest nod of the head and a subtle smile as I used it. I was a little astonished that it was cream. I had never seen cream for coffee like this. I later found out that Wolsey’s dad doesn’t use creamer (and I remember something about it sometimes gives him migraines even). That is when we both realized Wolsey’s dad did that just to show me what it was, without embarressing me. There are a lot of issues (a whole lot) I have with that man, but I have to say I really appreciated that.

The meal itself I assume was good, but like most times when I am disassociated I don’t remember the exact details. Wolsey’s mom didn’t notice at all, but I think Clark did.

To be honest, the rest of this story is embarrassing for me, but I deserve to be embarrassed by it. I don’t remember 100% of the details as I don’t think I ever really came back to myself that night. That disassociation or weird emotional space however IS NOT AN EXCUSE, it is just so you can understand me a little better.

We eventually got back to our new apartment on Bennett street. By this time Wolsey was feeling sick, her nose had started running and she was feeling ill. I think for the first couple of minutes I tried reassuring her a little, but it was too little for what I should have done, and far too short of a time I gave her my attention.

Instead of being fully supportive like any real human would have done, I was frustrated and vented about our wedding night being destroyed because she got sick. I was one hundred percent inappropriate, and while the details are scattered for me, I know I yelled at her and became even more frustrated that we couldn’t be intimate on our wedding night. Yes, I had fully become that privileged guy with “expectations”.

I was an absolute shithead about it. I do remember bits of her crying, and of me just getting angrier. I had a lot of rage, most of it I suspect was from other things that I constantly buried. None of it was because of anything she had done. For whatever asshole and monstrous reason inside me though, I let that rage and anger out and I know I yelled at her, made her cry, I was unreasonable on every level (I have never hit my spouse, but I pretty much was abusive in every other way that night). Most of the detail of this part of the night is gone for me, I don’t think I ever remembered specifically my lashing out, but I do remember bits as if I was in a detached dream.

It was a strange detachment though. I was so angry, but it was an anger that seemed like it was outside of me. One that I knew I should bury, put out or hide it away, but I just shrugged and I didn’t do anything to really control it except I eventually told her off, slammed the door, and left the apartment. I ended up going to Bear’s, the local arcade with my friends. I don’t really know if they ever knew what happened, all I did was tell them she was sick.

Yep, that is the asshole in me, out at an arcade playing video games with my friends while my sick wife cried to herself in our bedroom on my wedding night. I feel vaguely guilty that I can’t remember more details to show truly what kind of asshole I was, but this is the best I can give you.

I am eternally shamed by that night. There are no excuses for it. I just wanted to talk about my wedding night, and I don’t feel I should ever leave out negative things about myself. I definitely won’t ever forgive myself for how I behaved on my wedding night.

28 Years

Happy Anniversary my love!!!

Today I (hopefully we) celebrate 28 years of being married. Today marks the day that at age 21, I married my 20-year-old best friend, lover, and confidant.

Right before the ceremony, I am on the right, he is on the left and yes this is pre-transition for both of us.

I want to wax poetic about the day we got married and the whole situation of our relationship, but I will do that at a later point. Right now I just want to express how happy I am to be here 28 years later after he asked me to marry him and I said yes.

Wolsey and Lucky getting married again for the 20th wedding anniversary in 2012

Our lives have had a lot of struggle and pain, but I still feel I won life by marrying him. The fact he stayed married to me after I was particularly shitty on our wedding night shows how much he loves me. That post is coming soon, yes I am honest about my shitty behavior as well.

He means everything to me. He is my best friend, my favorite lover, my favorite author, mechanic, cheesecake model, all of it.

Lucky and Wolsey September 2020 (after transition)

I am not joking when I say he has saved my life multiple times since I got to k now him at the age of 16. I can’t imagine my life without him now, I suspect I will be one of those spouses who wouldn’t survive very long without him.

Hubby asking me to marry him
Wolsey day before our vow renewal
My favorite pic from 2020 of the hubby (post transition)

I love you my heart. I would do anything for you. Just say the words. Oh, and once again, Happy Anniversary my love!!!

Such a patient husband!

I can’t tell you how much I love you…. except to say Forever.

365 Project

Just an update to say I have wrapped up 2019 and 2018 back projects. I have some that extend much further back (pre 2017) and those will be added over time.

This deluge was because I was thinning out my photos (4,000+ excess photos of people I don’t know, don’t like or duplicates) and I felt since I was there anyways I might as well finish up last two years.

I am sure in the future there will be more firehoses of posts, but that is it for right now for the 365 project (except for the monthly updates of course).

2012-11-12 Pre Transition: Dreams in a Graveyard

Original Airdate: 11/12/2012
Upload Date: 10/09/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Dreams

My first dream post using video. I used to always write out my dreams and it would help work through them. I then started blogging on LJ and website. I figure this is the next step using youtube. I am trying to do more videos and maybe just small tidbits of my life would help me get in the habit.

2012-09-08 Pre-Transition: GM Corner 2 – Rape in Game – TRIGGER WARNING

Original Airdate: 9/08/2012
Upload Date: 10/07/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Gaming, rape and Game Mastering

A video response to My Brain Lies (One of my hubby’s channels before he transitioned), recent rape in gaming video, also meant as a GM Corner video as well. I am currently waiting to find out if he is ok if I post some of his pre-transition videos (I will make them look pretty).

This video doesn’t have any edited trigger warning in the original, if I follow it up with a current-day I will make sure to do that.

 

2012-09-06 Pre-Transition: GM Corner 1- First Step for First Time GM

Original Airdate: 9/06/2012
Upload Date: 10/07/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Gaming and Game Mastering

Newest upload, dating back to 9/6/2012

Did this earlier this week. My first non-intro post as a GM. The focus of a brand new GM should be on delivery, not world building. You can tell a good story set in any world, but you need the skills to deliver that story first.