August 17 2012 – General Update with Hubby (re-upload)

Original Airdate: 8/17/2012
Upload Date: 10/07/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: hubby, movies, batman health

This is my first remote update. I kind of like the 2-4 minute update from a non-home location using my iPhone. I think I might do this, it is easy enough I could do it daily without a problem.

 

Geek Girl Con 2012 (re-upload)

Original Airdate: 8/16/2012
Upload Date: 10/06/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: Geek Girl Con, sexism and the panels

The first video was way too long to put into the text as well, so it is video only for both of them.

I went to my second ever con this weekend, Geek Girl Con 2012 was a great experience. I decided to go back to my video blogging, so here are two videos:

My followup for Geek Girl Con 2012, just a few rambling thoughts about the guys in the Burlesque lineup.

All rights belong to freemusicarchive.org: https://freemusicarchive.org/Terms_of_Use
Song: Hard Fragility
Creator: Bisou
Page: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Bisou/Musical_spaceshift/Bisou_-_Musical_Spaceship_-_02_Hard_Fragility licensed under a CC0 1.0 Universal License.

Flashback 2/21/2012 – “A New Family”

10-06-2020 Update: In my old vlogs I never really came up with a script, I just did it on the fly, it ends up with me repeating or shifting words in the middle. So, my transcription below is text to speech that has been modified to be readable.

  • Original Airdate: 2/21/2012
  • Upload Date: 10/06/2020
  • Status: Pre transition
  • Subject: Animals, Financial and Family

TRANSCRIPTION

Hello guys it’s been a little while since I posted. it’s been actually a couple months and I’m just going to make this really quick kind of give you a quick update.

we are finally out of debt of $35,000 worth of medical bills, a ton of money for moving three to four times across three different cities, and we are finally out of credit card debt. I’m pretty stoked now we only have to focus on car payments and then eventually student loans which will take about 20,000 years.

Other than that, I’m getting my bridgework done for my teeth. they recently worked on it and found the anchor tooth was too rotten, so they had to pull that out. they are going to have to give me an extra-long bridge and today my temporary bridge popped out. I go back in tomorrow they’ll put this back in and then next week they’ll put the real bridge in.

Other than that, it’s been a little rough with the cat gone (Orpheus). He passed away in November, but we do have a bunch of new family members. me and the wife went out on Sunday and we picked up two Guinea pigs and two rats the rats are hers and their named Frank and Mira and the white Guinea pig is Bellona, she’s the Roman goddess of war and Mars’s sister and the black one is Camilla named after an Amazon warrior who was known to be really fast. I’ll cut and show you them, introduce you to them and then we’ll come back.

And that was pretty much it just a quick update we have some new animals I am getting my dental done and we have new rats, so I’ll talk to you later bye

Old Vlog Project – Throwback Vidoes

I just happened to come across a ton of old vlogs on some of my old channels and in some in my files (and some from the hubby, but those are a different thing). I have downloaded them and I think I might repost them here.

They are outdated and before my transition, but like everything else I like to keep a record and I am going to upload them here. I had considered just uploading them to the old-time period, but in the end, I decided I would add them as new posts here since I might add some flash or commentary to them. I also will probably add a transcription below it in case some people can’t play videos.

These are a work in progress so I assume as I develop some flash for this website for videos they will be added to later posts, but for now, they are still minimal.

Most of these are before I learned anything real from my other youtube channels and most of them are 6 or more years old so please forgive my poor presentation ;).

Be gentle ❤

First Vlog Update 10-06-20

Date: 10-06-2020

Hi Everyone, welcome to A Girl U Should Know’s videos.

Up until recently, this has just been a storehouse of my 365 Project videos. Of course my Video Game Let’s Plays Channels, yes that’s more than one and Education Channel are separate. However, over the next few weeks, I am going to be uploading old vlogging videos I did before transition, and short video clips.

They definitely won’t look like me or my hubby look now, and they will be of wildly varying quality as I have never thought about being a YouTuber or anything like that, they are really just personal vlogging entries, reviews or other rants. You also might get clips of people and animals who are no longer with us.

They will be uploaded to here from my old and dead channels that I had sometimes uploaded more than a decade ago. I am considering eventually doing some personal vlogging, we will see if that comes to fruition.

Oh, and today you don’t get any live video imagery of me, I currently have several days’ growth of beard as I prepare to fly down for a dozen hours of electrolysis, so you got to see photos of my life just like a 365 Project video. I will be adjusting the navigation on the channel as well with different playlists, so don’t be surprised by any changes here.

Thanks for watching and maybe soon you will get actual current vlogs and small clips of current day events uploaded. Until Next Time, take care.

Morning thoughts

Sometimes, like this morning, I wake up early and I can hear the rain bouncing off the roof, windows or porch. It is still mostly dark outside, the wind rustles through the trees. I get up, fix myself a cup of coffee and sit down petting the cat, when all of a sudden, I am missing visiting my parents early in the morning.

Sitting with my parents in the morning was a very regular occurrence. It was something we did all the time growing up (if they weren’t hungover and unable to get up which happened less often as they grew older). I even did it fairly often as an adult, I would drive over by six in the morning or so, sometimes with the raspberry filled powdered donuts you get from Hostess or one of the other imitations.

I would get there early, knock on the door and they would yell at me to come in. No matter where they lived the living room was always similar. A bevy of table lamps scattered in the room. A couch my mom would sit on and a chair my dad would use. A coffee table in between us all. Usually the drapes were thrown open and either the morning light would be poking in, or like this morning it would still be dark and grey with rain slapping the windows.

Typical look, notice all the lamps… so many lamps. Circa 2013 or so.

I would sit down on the couch near my mom. You could tell the air had the smell of secondhand smoke, but it was early morning, so it wasn’t filled with smoke itself. Also, the air was usually fresher smelling then other smokers’ houses, my parents kept a plethora of plants in the house, sometimes the ceiling would be covered in vines like they were living under a forest canopy, they also almost always had a window cranked open.

My mom would get me a cup of coffee, always with slightly too much sugar (no matter how often I told her I didn’t need that much) and we would start talking. This even happened when I was 10-12. My parents drank instant coffee and my mom would fix me up instant coffee in a plastic drink cup using hot tap water. I was always destined to be an instant coffee drinker, I guess.

Every once in awhile they would get a picture of me instead, sometime in 2004.

The living room would be brightly lit while the TV played Good Morning America when I was younger, and as I got older and the decades started going by it became just the news. The channel would occasionally be changed in the background as we all sat there, listening to the birds outside.

We would just talk about everything. I might have had screaming fights with my parents when they were drunk, but never in the morning. The morning was safe, the get together was sober. Conversations in the morning were reassuring no matter what happened the night before, affection was always exchanged (hugs and kisses) and everyone would just talk about everything. This was always the best time to bring up new or sensitive topics and things would just be mellow.

It was the only time I talked about certain things that have happened and they would just listen. Sometimes if it was just my dad (if my mom was sleeping, which happened a small percentage of the time) I would talk about things that I have never uttered to another person, not even my hubby. It felt like it was a time I could be honest about everything I had been through or was bothered by. Don’t get me wrong, my hubby has always listened and been accepting. I just can’t get over the anxiety that he might one day decide he couldn’t accept. It is stupid because I know he would be ok with me no matter what, but the anxiety is always there about that.

Another picture of my dad in 1994, you can see the hubby in pre-transition in the foreground… or at least part of his head and shoulders. He would come by in the morning with me as well sometimes.

I think talking in the morning was partially a learned response, a coping mechanism for things that happened in the darkest of night. I had an opposite experience growing up in the late-night hours before everyone went to bed (the darkest part of the night when everyone would be drunk). When I was a kid, I grew up in a mass of broken Vietnam Vets who had all done horrible things both in Vietnam and since then. They were my family, I loved them, and no matter what society wants to say, they were good people. However, most of them were emotionally broken and they didn’t understand proper boundaries between an adult and their bad experiences and putting that on a child (my dad had the best understanding out of all the men, but even he wasn’t good at it).

Fairly regularly one of them would confess to me in the late hours things they had done and been through. This was after the evening drunkenness had hit and people were coming down. They treated me almost as if I was a priest at their confessional. I have learned from my therapist that I stood in as someone who could help them carry their baggage by acting in that role, but it also gave me baggage and guilt for things that I have never done or even witnessed. I think I would have made a good sin eater in the middle ages.

This meant that mornings with my parents were almost the polar opposite. There were no secrets I had to keep. My parents never dropped any emotional bombs during this time. It was a time I could tell my own secrets back instead. I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t bring these troubled thoughts up at other times, or with other people, but mornings were safe and they were always supportive (even if they weren’t the night before).

Sometimes family friends, would join us, like Jimbo here. See more table lamps. Circa 2010 or so.

So I woke up this morning, all my table lamps are on and I am sitting here listening to the rain, with the strongest wish that I could sit with my parents this morning and have a cup of coffee with them. I knew the last year and a half of their lives that the time was running out, so I prepared and did it as often as I could. That doesn’t change the feelings though when they are gone and all of a sudden you just miss having a cup of coffee in the morning with them. No matter what preparation you do, it doesn’t change how the feelings hit you.

Sometimes getting older sucks.

Medical Update

The last few weeks have been busy. Packed with trips down to Phoenix for my face, work fires and some health things that came up. I realize most people think this is too personal, but if I don’t blog about something, I tend to not write about it or remember it fully. So here is my health update.

My therapy has been going well and we have been working on the trauma and CPTSD. During this time my therapist brought up that he would like me to pursue ADHD with my primary care doctor and see if something could be done about that.

The ADHD idea wasn’t really a surprise to me. When I worked for a doctors office back in the mid 90s I didn’t have medical, but the doctors would sometimes take a quick look at you. Ironic isn’t it that a medical office won’t provide medical, that is why I appreciate the Affordable Care Act, when I wasn’t getting medical working in a doctors office, and my spouse wasn’t getting it working as a nurse really shows how fucked capitalism is.

The doctor back then looked at me and said he thought I had adult ADHD. He also said as an adult nothing can be done and I would just need to handle it. That was also because I didn’t have insurance, but that is a whole other story. So for 23 years I ignored the ADHD and just caffeinated myself. So this idea wasn’t new, but I agreed to talk with the doctor and it satisfied my therapist.

Meanwhile I have had a couple of other ailments, including the repeated daily vomiting that has stuck with me for years (with no feeling sick). They scoped me once before and found a hernia, but nothing else. Also in January I had gotten super sick (sicker then I had ever been). Both the hubby and I were so sick we both went to urgent care (we couldn’t breath, I wonder if we had caught COVID before the USA acknowledged it arrived, after all we live in the Seattle area where it first appeared).

During my visit to urgent care I noticed I had a lump in the bottom of my throat. Of course urgent care was horrible, they barely looked at me and dismissed that lump. Unfortunately not long after this the full pandemic hit and we couldn’t get in to the doctor and our second visit to urgent care they once again waved it away (in fact they wouldn’t even touch it).

So last week I went to my doctor for the first time in about a year. My doctor is fantastic, willing to research things and willing to admit when he isn’t sure but he will do that research. He looked me over and confirmed what he think is ADHD for me and prescribed me meds. He also found that my throat had a mass the size of a golf ball on my thyroid. He is pretty sure it isn’t a malignant tumor, just a mass that should be able to be aspirated or removed, so he ordered me an ultrasound I go to next week. He then also examined my abdomen and set me up with a fluoroscopy.

So I went home with meds for ADHD, an appointment for a fluoroscopy and an appointment for an ultrasound. It is the first time in over a year I felt the medical community listened to me (except my HRT doc, he is awesome).

So a week later and I have addressed the ADHD with regular medication… AND IT FUCKING WORKS. I took the first pill and was worried I was going to bounce off the wall (it is like Ritalin, an upper), but instead I almost fell asleep an hour later. It has had no upper effect on me (which reinforced my memories that it took a hell of a lot of uppers to do anything for me when I was young).

I have been able to concentrate a lot better and for the first time in my memory as an adult I get lost in projects I am working on and would finish some of my projects including learn how to design sequences in Apple Motion 5 for videos, and I finished repainting and setting up my butsudan.

Not once did I look at social media when I am working on something, and I also noticed it actually helped my anxiety. In addition, barring last nights bad sleep, I have been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night (which is great because 3-4 was my normal and it was killing me). I suspect they may need to up it a level since there are still some issues (I started at lowest dose), but even at this dosage it is a game changer.

This last Tuesday I went in for my fluoroscopy. I assumed it was just like the barium swallow I did a couple years ago, but it was far more in depth. They had me swallow multiple cups of different liquid, while I sat, stood and laid down. They had me scanned once in a machine that moved me around. They then had me get x-rays multiple times over several different increments of time.

Jerry the Tech, and the doctor were both fantastic. Neither one of them referred to me with the wrong pronouns and they were both intent on my health. I really appreciated that. There was another new tech who thought I was a guy until I told him I was transitioning (I obviously have boobs, makeup and I don’t think I look as masculine as I did so I suspect he had an issue with me). I did learn from him that he left his last job as a tech because there were “too many young women and full of drama”. I was a bit stunned that he didn’t realize that he was probably the problem… but I digress.

While I was waiting for x-rays, they seated an older lady who hid away from me. Then I coughed a bit (the liquids they gave me had crystals that dried up my throat). When Jerry came back the old lady freaked out that I might have pneumonia. We both explained I was given a drink that dries my throat out and that I wasn’t sick. She still threw a fit, so Jerry in a supreme act of patience walked her into a different area. He apologized to me later, but I told him that he had nothing to apologize for.

Is it bad that it actually made me happy that the old lady only referred to me as a “young lady” and in fact only seemed freaked by my coughing. I couldn’t tell if she didn’t clock me or if she was cool with transgender people. Either way I will take that as a win.

Well I got out of the scanning after about 3.5 hours. The doc said he saw nothing in his initial review but couldn’t be definitive until he sat down with it. So I have a lot of hope that at least there isn’t a mass or something in my abdomen blocking my esophagus or stomach. That was the fear my original doctor had on why I was throwing up so much for years. Still waiting on report, but I have good hopes.

The thyroid mass does concern me, but the doctor and hubby both have felt it and it doesn’t have the obvious tell tale feeling of a malignant tumor. I am fairly sure no matter what happens I will be fine, but just in case I checked on the status of both my life insurance and they are good to go just in case. I will talk about that appointment next week I am sure.

There you have it, my immediate physical health condition as we speak. Being successfully treated for my ADHD, still unknown on stomach but unlikely anything like a mass, and my throat is still in the air, but unlikely malignant.

On the way home I got brave and swung by the park I normally go to for lunch at work. While I was there I played some music loudly and the crows and seagulls returned. I got to feed my birds for the first time in 8 months!!! That made my day.

Honestly I feel fairly healthy and cheered up.

White Collar Jobs

DISCLAIMER: My comments towards white-collar work and the worst I refer to here (such as the bitching about minimum wage) are not from my current job. My current job does have frustrations, but in general, office politics isn’t part of it because I am out auditing. Most of these references are from my time with the Department of Defense auditing defense contractors. That being said I still don’t like white-collar jobs.

I hate them… there I said it loud again that I absolutely hate the environment, culture, and most of the people involved in white-collar cubicle jobs.

This came up this morning when I was pulling the dishes out of the machine. I could smell the same smell I would get when working as a dishwasher/prep cook. The smell of well-cooked food was still in the air. The hubby was a sous-chef for a four-star restaurant back before we worked in offices and he had cooked a great pork loin meal for us. He is why I am spoiled when I eat out. This combined with the smell of a finished dishwasher, detergent, and still warm dishes brought back working in a restaurant.

Here is hubby as a sous-chef… actually this is pre-hubby when he was still wifey.

Growing up, no one I knew had a white-collar job. Family and friends were customer service, kitchen staff, labor workers, or bikers. I never got a frame of reference for what working in an office meant or how people acted, except for what television showed. Even the first eight years of my working career were food/customer service type jobs (more than 35 of them). I didn’t say I was good at staying at jobs, just that I had never been around white-collar jobs.

Me in my Subway shirt in 1992, don’t get me wrong I hated that job, but I preferred that environment over white-collar. oh and yes this is me as hubby, in a pre-wifey condition.

When I got to white-collar jobs (working in the healthcare/medical office field) I was unprepared for how office life was, and this wasn’t even full cubicle since the medical office is sort of a halfway point between customer service and a cubicle job. So there was some familiarity in it, even though it was more toxic.

In a lot of ways, white-collar jobs are easier work but really are soul-crushingly shallow in the actual value you bring and shallow in the people working there. This ends up being ultimately more stressful for me. Even though these kinds of jobs are way easier than anything at a restaurant or retail, the environment is far more toxic.

Don’t get me wrong, working in the white-collar world means I get paid enough to pay my student loans, medical to cover our health concerns, and we stay warm and dry not having to work our bodies into the dirt doing jobs that don’t get paid enough for what you sacrifice for them. That is the ONLY reason I work in white-collar. Once we are out of debt, and if medical coverage either becomes single-payer or having a job isn’t required to have coverage, then I am out.

I have found over the last 20+ years of working full-on white-collar that I  trust my coworkers less. We have nothing in common, and the drama is not worth it. Growing up I was used to being able to trust most of the people I work with, at least enough for them to get their job done and to unify against management in our bitching about the job. I also miss being able to talk about things I like, joke around with people with similar backgrounds. People that understand the references to having grown up with Top Ramen and mac and cheese.

The one thing I do miss the most is working around people who give real smiles or other emotions while at work. In my experience with white-collar jobs, you can’t trust the emotion you see on a person, especially the smiling. White-collar jobs do not have a lot of real smiles, mostly they more resemble viperish and misleading smiles, harboring contempt and drama (ok I have had some bad experiences haha).

The jobs themselves in cubicle land are easier than any retail/food position, even though accountants and other cubicle workers claim minimum wage jobs are only for high schoolers. I have never felt good sitting at a desk and doing repetitive work, and even worse when staring at the clock as I watch my life drain away for things that don’t impact anyone directly. At least when I worked in food, whatever I did was eaten by the customer so it was direct, or when I worked doing janitorial or something else the end result was a clean place other people could use. Now I research, do reports and conduct a lot of financial analysis only to have it thrown into a file and no one looks at it. On the off chance someone does look at it, they ignore it and do what they want anyway, even when my work warns them not to.

That is partially why I have stuck with auditing. Out of all the accounting jobs I have had exposure too, it is the one most like a service industry job. I have to go out and talk with and interview people. I drive around to other places constantly and the job is always moving and changing. While the form of an audit is repetitive in what you are doing, the vast differences between each entity I review make it a new job.

Hmm… maybe this post is conflating two issues, service industry jobs, and my mental health issues that make it hard for me to do something repetitively.

This doesn’t even count the ridiculous expectations that a lot of white-collar job workers have about their actual value compared to lower-paid workers. These coworkers often think that people working service industry, labor or other low end paying work don’t deserve to be paid a living wage. The conversation/argument I was having with them was the living wage minimum wage of $15 an hour and that their jobs aren’t tough.

Meanwhile, during these arguments I had with them, I watch these same office workers spend hours trying to put up a Seahawk flag (while getting paid $45 an hour) and ignoring their actual work. They didn’t like it when I pointed out they were bitching about someone working a much harder job for $15 while they fucked around putting a flag up for multiple hours. They never brought up the minimum wage argument to me again after that.

I do hope if we ever get out of this debt/medical coverage issue, that I will be able to get out of the white-collar world. I am really hoping I can do it so maybe the last few years I am able to work physically it won’t be shuffling papers and dealing with office politics.

Well, my rant ran out of speed and I will leave it there. Trust me there will be more rants though, this is just the start.