Goodbye Ghost

I had a bunch of posts I wanted to do, I have been traveling for work, hanging with husband. Sadly though Ghost had taken a turn for the worst. Yesterday he wouldn’t really get out of his blanket area except to go check out the outside when we opened the kitchen deck door (he hated outside before this apartment).

So yesterday we contacted The Good Life, the same vet that helped him a few weeks ago to have her visit today and help us say goodbye. However, Ghost will do what he wants and he passed away after we went to bed last night.

The hubby has been sweet, he tried to keep me from having to see it or deal with it. I have helped with all our other animals and while it is a lot harder to not cry right now and I appreciated his effort, it was my duty to help.

Goodbye old man cat, Mr. Pinchy, Ghost… We love you very much and I really do hope something like the rainbow bridge exists. Take care.

Prepare to be bombarded with cat pictures. We will get back to my regular thoughts after I can get back to it.

Shoes

I have never cared about my shoes, or honestly about any of my clothing. For years my spouse has struggled to buy me cool things and I would wear what he directed, but never cared at all. I hated the way I looked and that was that.

Since the transition that has changed, the further along I get, the more excited about clothing. This time its about shoes. Even when I got my Uggs I was ok with it (better than normal reaction) but I was still at beginning of my transition. However, last night the red converse my hubby sent me came and I was excited.

Shoes!

The weird part is now I want more clothing, more accessories (necklaces, bracelets, etc) and definitely more shoes. It is the first time in my life I was excited about clothing (except larping clothes, I always got excited by that).

Just thought I would share, I want a huge closet of clothes and shoes and I realize how stereotypical that is, but it is just the way it is.

My First Week

I have been very quiet for awhile now. Mostly because I started my new job, and with the much longer commute I have been tired and overly anxious. Well now I can give some feedback on it.

It’s Great!!!

The money thing hasn’t hit me yet (or reduction of), but my boss and coworkers have all been really cool. I am slowly presenting more feminine, and since my two supervisors I work with (as the third supervisor) they are incredibly kind about it. My boss is totally supportive and constantly tells me to wear what I want, and not care about anyone else.

I am still not ready to do that yet. I start up my laser hair removal again next Saturday, then some electrolysis for the hard to get rid of hairs after that. Once I don’t have to worry that within three hours of arriving having so much whisker that it would destroy any ability to not get dysphoric.

I have a ton of subjects to talk about, but once again I am fairly exhausted and even this was a lot of effort, so I will get back to you all as soon as I can. Thanks for everything.

So it has started

purple-flower-41As my husband would say, “It has started”, the weird undercutting, insults and insinuations of my new and real life from all aspects of my social circles. This evidently includes people who call me their friend.

Saturday I went out with my husband and my friend to a nice little niche restaurant/bar. I had told our friend earlier in the week via text that I was transitioning and she has been the mandatory supportive person you would expect from someone who says they are a friend. I don’t even doubt she thinks of herself as a friend at that, but it doesn’t change her words or actions, maybe it just makes them worse.

I have known her for over ten years. We got to know each other at my job with the state and while we only worked together for a year and a half or so, we stayed in contact since then via text, email, facebook and lunches.

She has been up to this point a good person, supportive, interested in the hubby’s transition and in general been a friend. I don’t know how we became good friends like that in the beginning, but it was something that kept going.

I had told her via text only because she is on my facebook list and I had posted about coming out there (things were slipping out). Things were great and I was looking forward to seeing her, even if I was a bit anxious socially after being out to her on what she might say.

The lunch went well in the beginning. We talked about things, she was happy I was being myself, it was all good. We even joked about the horrible service we were getting at the restaurant, while the food wasn’t bad, that waitress was pretty horrible.

Things were going great and I was talking about facial feminization surgery and the options/surgery that was involved. That is when she leaned forward and said she wanted to tell me something. So I leaned over in anticipation, smiling at her when she said the words.

“I am glad you are getting FFS because you currently make one ugly woman.”

I knew almost immediately she thought she was joking, but it still hit me pretty hard she said that to me. I know what I look like, I know what I have always felt about my looks to begin with, let alone when I put on makeup and dress like who I am.

I saw the hubby freeze for a moment and I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He is incredibly protective over me and it would be within possibilities he would pop her in the head (although honestly that would have been more likely when my husband still presented as female). However, I saw the moment pass on him when he took a deep breath.

We both sat back and laughed politely. I didn’t know what to say, or how to feel. I knew logically by looking at her face and the way she laughed after saying it that she thought she was joking, so I pushed it away and thought I would deal with it later and that it shouldn’t be a big deal.

What really bothered me is I have NEVER EVER insulted her or said anything derogatory, she has some mental health and stress issues and I have never wanted to upset her, why she joked like that to me I couldn’t understand.

It is a big deal it turns out. We made our goodbyes a little later and went clothes shopping for hubby. I originally was going to look for some clothes for myself (I have hit 75lbs+ weight loss and don’t have enough currently) but I stepped into the store and couldn’t do it. I didn’t really want to look at myself in the mirror.

The hubby was so pissed, but he was there being supportive of me. He understood I was going to bail on buying myself clothing, but he was so angry. He wanted me to pick out some things I liked and instead of having a good afternoon before seeing our friends later and shopping I was quiet and followed him around.

I do have some follow up stuff (how she has reacted since, how my friends reacted) but this post is already 500 pages long and I will wrap it up here.

Suffice to say, it has begun as hubby says, the insults, insinuations or just callous disregard. I am going to be fine, but this is the one negative of my future.

Facebook and stuff

I am still a little anxious using this as a personal blog, not that I have a problem coming out and showing my life here, but that somehow I am doing something wrong by just being me here. I suspect that has more to do with my issues with myself having to be worked on.

The one thing that is true, you can’t hide from yourself. I am accepting and growing into who I should be, but that means there is a lot of crap I am going to have to deal with that I buried for the last 47 years… oh shit I just realized that its my birthday too. It’s funny how this is all coming up at the same time.

I am going to have to fully come out on facebook. I don’t actually like using it, but a lot of my friends are married to Facebook and won’t try other things, so if I want to maintain social contact I have to stay.

The reason I say I have to come out on Facebook fairly soon is someone who doesn’t know just sent a friends request. I am sure that means she does know, she is smart and she knows us. That means however that my profile must be popping up for other people. So I might as well just be obvious and come out, giving others the option to ask to friend me, or if they want to walk away quietly they can.

This is a little earlier then I planned, but to be honest I don’t think I had a specific deadline so it doesn’t hurt anything either. Things are starting to roll forward, and the hormones are not going to be stopped anyways so let’s just do this!

Oh and I probably will roll my pre-transition stuff over here as I go. You won’t see it pop up in your feed as I am keeping the original dates, but it will start showing up in the archives.

Changes in Website Use

Originally this blog was purely going to become a transition blog. Just basing my observations as I transition from AMAB to who I really am. I did something similar for my experiences when my husband transition, but I don’t think I want to do it that way. I think I want to just make this my home.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed having a separate blog detailing my life as what appeared at the time a heterosexual male who’s “wife” had transitioned to being my husband, thus making us a newly minted homosexual couple, and what I went through. It worked, it helped me a lot. I was still able to separate most of my personal posts away from that though on my old personal blog.

I don’t think I can do this with myself transitioning. It effects every single thing in my life, and as I shift from someone who appears as a feminine but yet extremely masculine looking viking type man to who I am going to become, that isn’t going to ever be a separate part of my life.

I am not sure how to handle my old journal (and subsequently current journal). I may refer to it for interested readers to read my earlier posts and not try and roll any old posts over here. I do have a LOT of book, movie and tv reviews. Maybe I will keep those as a totally separate blog as well. A lot of authors, and other creative people follow it. Maybe that is the best way, keep my reviews at one spot, my old pre-transition blog at another (never to be updated) and use this for my life.

I really like the thought of not trying to separate my transition from my other posts, not sure how I could do it anyways without leaving something out. I will see about updating the tagging of what I have already done so it is all looking good here.

So I guess you are all stuck reading about my personal life.