August 17 2012 – General Update with Hubby (re-upload)

Original Airdate: 8/17/2012
Upload Date: 10/07/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: hubby, movies, batman health

This is my first remote update. I kind of like the 2-4 minute update from a non-home location using my iPhone. I think I might do this, it is easy enough I could do it daily without a problem.

 

Therapy and an ADHD diagnosis

I have been seeing a therapist many times in my life. The most recent is since January’ish of 2019 and for the first time ever it seems to be working at least partially. This has come as a complete surprise to me and has actually benefited me in several ways.

Before my most recent therapist, I had tried going to three different therapists over the decades and one group therapy. None of them worked out. They almost uniformly would get so caught up in my childhood and not help me with what I needed to do now. One of them grilled me about my past enough I am fairly sure she was thinking about writing a book about my family. That therapist didn’t last long.

Although in truth, I never cried for those therapists.
Continue reading “Therapy and an ADHD diagnosis”

I am terrified

I realize saying that I am terrified will be considered hyperbole by some, but it isn’t. I have had to stop reading any news sites because of the anxiety I am getting just by watching things unfold.

Don’t get me wrong, still fully supportive of BLM, Trans Rights, etc. I however can’t watch new news stories.  Living in this kind of stress isn’t healthy and I figure until I can get my batteries recharged I don’t have the emotional stability and capability to be on it 100%. Things are bad enough I don’t feel I can even protest since being transgender and being arrested can really go awry.

I am watching my country slide into fascism, even though I know the majority can’t be like this (the scarier thought is maybe they are like this). The majority however is allowing it to happen. I am watching the setup for Trump to keep power even if he is voted out. I don’t think it will be by violence, I don’t think a civil war will happen. I suspect it will happen via the electoral college and Republican-held legislative bodies that control states electoral votes.

I am watching another GOP SCOTUS judge being rammed through and the Democrats are already saying even if they win the Senate and Presidency they don’t plan on expanding the bench. I am watching the rights of my sisters and brothers (and enbies) disappear in a cloud of upcoming legislation and supreme court decisions with that.

I am watching a fascist pushback by both federal and state/local governments on my non-white siblings. Along with the fact that other caucasian people like myself are ignoring it, getting “tired of it” or actively joining the fascist scumbags.

I am watching with the SCOTUS nomination the possibility of rolling back Roe v Wade, taking the rights of women and throwing them out the window. I personally don’t think its too far of a step if this happens for the GOP/Conservative Christians to start rolling back equal rights for women and minorities. Rights we have had for decades.

I am watching a virus rip through our population with no one caring. Walking outside I watch a larger than a comfortable amount of people who don’t care about the elderly or the infirm, all because they don’t want to wear masks or are upset that they cant go to a bar. I see on tv and the news other areas of the country where it is twenty times worse. More than 202,000 dead and people are ignoring it. Of course, it’s the same people who signed away our freedoms when only 4,000 people died in 9-11. Fifty times more dead and our government is doing nothing, the right doesn’t care and the old and vulnerable are being ripped apart by it. I always wonder if the right is happy about this since it hits the vulnerable the most.

I am watching the breakdown of the poor and working-class to make the rich even richer. The theft of social security, the breakdown of our infrastructure and the worship of our military increasing in size. I can’t even comment on how bad we are doing in our reputation with other countries, the destruction of our environment, and the end of the habitability for our world and us (oh, the world itself won’t end, contrary to a lot of doomsayers the world will keep on going and survive, its humans that won’t survive).

I am watching the rights of everyone who is not an evangelical Christian being suborned and removed by the Conservative Christian legislatures. We are safe for now in our state, but there are plenty of other times in history when rights and freedoms have been curtailed. Even for the LGBTQIA just have to look at Weimar Germany to see the rights can be lost. That can happen here.

Contrary to some, I have read our history and there are other times in our country when the administration has been as corrupt, SCOTUS has been bent for anti-rights for everyone and the poor and minorities are being crushed. It doesn’t change that we are rolling back more than a hundred years of advancement (spotty advancement at times). It also is quickly losing our position with the world, that doesn’t seem to bother most of the right though.

All of this in addition to my normal mental health issues that I am trying to tackle, work, and transition. The new medical concerns that have popped up and the concern I have over my husband’s health also just converge (and will always take precedence going forward).

I guess I just needed to share that I am indeed terrified of what is happening. I have to back away from a lot of what I was doing or researching and recharge. This won’t be over in 5 weeks with a new election, this won’t be over in 5 years when whoever is elected president this November has a new election.

God, I don’t even want to consider how bad it could look after a second “lame duck” term for Trump and his cronies. I am seriously considering if Trump wins again, what can we do to emigrate to Canada. I don’t think we will be able to do it. I will consider it though if it turns out to be possible.

I guess that was a long-winded way to say I am terrified right now and I am trying to figure out how to stop looking at this and making myself stressed.

Medical Update

The last few weeks have been busy. Packed with trips down to Phoenix for my face, work fires and some health things that came up. I realize most people think this is too personal, but if I don’t blog about something, I tend to not write about it or remember it fully. So here is my health update.

My therapy has been going well and we have been working on the trauma and CPTSD. During this time my therapist brought up that he would like me to pursue ADHD with my primary care doctor and see if something could be done about that.

The ADHD idea wasn’t really a surprise to me. When I worked for a doctors office back in the mid 90s I didn’t have medical, but the doctors would sometimes take a quick look at you. Ironic isn’t it that a medical office won’t provide medical, that is why I appreciate the Affordable Care Act, when I wasn’t getting medical working in a doctors office, and my spouse wasn’t getting it working as a nurse really shows how fucked capitalism is.

The doctor back then looked at me and said he thought I had adult ADHD. He also said as an adult nothing can be done and I would just need to handle it. That was also because I didn’t have insurance, but that is a whole other story. So for 23 years I ignored the ADHD and just caffeinated myself. So this idea wasn’t new, but I agreed to talk with the doctor and it satisfied my therapist.

Meanwhile I have had a couple of other ailments, including the repeated daily vomiting that has stuck with me for years (with no feeling sick). They scoped me once before and found a hernia, but nothing else. Also in January I had gotten super sick (sicker then I had ever been). Both the hubby and I were so sick we both went to urgent care (we couldn’t breath, I wonder if we had caught COVID before the USA acknowledged it arrived, after all we live in the Seattle area where it first appeared).

During my visit to urgent care I noticed I had a lump in the bottom of my throat. Of course urgent care was horrible, they barely looked at me and dismissed that lump. Unfortunately not long after this the full pandemic hit and we couldn’t get in to the doctor and our second visit to urgent care they once again waved it away (in fact they wouldn’t even touch it).

So last week I went to my doctor for the first time in about a year. My doctor is fantastic, willing to research things and willing to admit when he isn’t sure but he will do that research. He looked me over and confirmed what he think is ADHD for me and prescribed me meds. He also found that my throat had a mass the size of a golf ball on my thyroid. He is pretty sure it isn’t a malignant tumor, just a mass that should be able to be aspirated or removed, so he ordered me an ultrasound I go to next week. He then also examined my abdomen and set me up with a fluoroscopy.

So I went home with meds for ADHD, an appointment for a fluoroscopy and an appointment for an ultrasound. It is the first time in over a year I felt the medical community listened to me (except my HRT doc, he is awesome).

So a week later and I have addressed the ADHD with regular medication… AND IT FUCKING WORKS. I took the first pill and was worried I was going to bounce off the wall (it is like Ritalin, an upper), but instead I almost fell asleep an hour later. It has had no upper effect on me (which reinforced my memories that it took a hell of a lot of uppers to do anything for me when I was young).

I have been able to concentrate a lot better and for the first time in my memory as an adult I get lost in projects I am working on and would finish some of my projects including learn how to design sequences in Apple Motion 5 for videos, and I finished repainting and setting up my butsudan.

Not once did I look at social media when I am working on something, and I also noticed it actually helped my anxiety. In addition, barring last nights bad sleep, I have been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night (which is great because 3-4 was my normal and it was killing me). I suspect they may need to up it a level since there are still some issues (I started at lowest dose), but even at this dosage it is a game changer.

This last Tuesday I went in for my fluoroscopy. I assumed it was just like the barium swallow I did a couple years ago, but it was far more in depth. They had me swallow multiple cups of different liquid, while I sat, stood and laid down. They had me scanned once in a machine that moved me around. They then had me get x-rays multiple times over several different increments of time.

Jerry the Tech, and the doctor were both fantastic. Neither one of them referred to me with the wrong pronouns and they were both intent on my health. I really appreciated that. There was another new tech who thought I was a guy until I told him I was transitioning (I obviously have boobs, makeup and I don’t think I look as masculine as I did so I suspect he had an issue with me). I did learn from him that he left his last job as a tech because there were “too many young women and full of drama”. I was a bit stunned that he didn’t realize that he was probably the problem… but I digress.

While I was waiting for x-rays, they seated an older lady who hid away from me. Then I coughed a bit (the liquids they gave me had crystals that dried up my throat). When Jerry came back the old lady freaked out that I might have pneumonia. We both explained I was given a drink that dries my throat out and that I wasn’t sick. She still threw a fit, so Jerry in a supreme act of patience walked her into a different area. He apologized to me later, but I told him that he had nothing to apologize for.

Is it bad that it actually made me happy that the old lady only referred to me as a “young lady” and in fact only seemed freaked by my coughing. I couldn’t tell if she didn’t clock me or if she was cool with transgender people. Either way I will take that as a win.

Well I got out of the scanning after about 3.5 hours. The doc said he saw nothing in his initial review but couldn’t be definitive until he sat down with it. So I have a lot of hope that at least there isn’t a mass or something in my abdomen blocking my esophagus or stomach. That was the fear my original doctor had on why I was throwing up so much for years. Still waiting on report, but I have good hopes.

The thyroid mass does concern me, but the doctor and hubby both have felt it and it doesn’t have the obvious tell tale feeling of a malignant tumor. I am fairly sure no matter what happens I will be fine, but just in case I checked on the status of both my life insurance and they are good to go just in case. I will talk about that appointment next week I am sure.

There you have it, my immediate physical health condition as we speak. Being successfully treated for my ADHD, still unknown on stomach but unlikely anything like a mass, and my throat is still in the air, but unlikely malignant.

On the way home I got brave and swung by the park I normally go to for lunch at work. While I was there I played some music loudly and the crows and seagulls returned. I got to feed my birds for the first time in 8 months!!! That made my day.

Honestly I feel fairly healthy and cheered up.

Anxiety and Insomnia

I have always suffered from insomnia. Not the “I can’t go to sleep” variety, but the kind that after a few hours I wake up and I can’t go back to sleep no matter what. I have had this since at least the age of 10 that I remember, and I know my parents always talked about me getting up too early since at least 5.

For decades I just thought that is the way I was. 3-6 hours of sleep was my normal range, with 4-5 being the most common. I knew logically that wasn’t normal and I have had doctors tell me its not healthy or safe. I have been counseled on sleep hygiene, but the unfortunate fact is most elements of sleep hygiene just set off my CPTSD and night terrors.

I can’t sleep in a quiet dark room. I wake up within a short time with nightmares, anxiety attacks etc. I can sometimes get by with a fan running, but that is only sometimes and eventually it stops working. So we end up having the TV play in the background, and then in the last few years ran Youtube videos. That does help, but sometimes I still go to bed fairly let trying to stay up, and be up by midnight (those are really bad nights).

This was all normal for me as a child as well. The only difference was there was no TV in my bedroom, no lights on and I ended up waking up around 1ish and not sleeping until 4-5am and then only for an hour before getting up. I stayed in my room because I would get in trouble for getting up too early.

It dawned on me though this morning at 1am as I laid in bed that my dad must have known something was up with me even as a child. He would on a regular basis sneak into my room and have me come with him to the kitchen and he would fry up a bologna sandwich and we would watch some tv or a movie on the VCR. I have incredibly fond memories and I suspect it might be one of many reasons the two of us were close.

It also dawned on me this morning that my dad did this very little with my siblings. They didn’t have any sleep problems and would sleep through the whole night. So the vast vast majority of the time he would just come get me. I remember he used to always watch me with worried eyes. It dawns on me now that my dad had the exact same sleeping problem.

The only way he would sleep all the way through was the judicious use of drugs and alcohol due to insomnia, anxiety, trauma, PTSD and flashbacks. It makes sense that he probably recognized I was having problems and did what he could to help. It was always in my worst sleep phases that he would come in and do that. Funny enough when he did that, I would go back to bed and sleep in. Probably the only time in my childhood I would sleep fully.

Either way, I had never realized how regularly he did it, and the fact that I was suffering insomnia and anxiety as a child. There was definitely childhood trauma and PTSD, but I don’t know if there was a genetic component as well, or maybe something learned by watching my father as a very young child. I wonder how much of it was inherited from him (genetic or learned).

I guess this post is mostly about my realization of how far back my insomnia and anxiety go. I can combat the sleep on a semi-regular basis by self medicating, but the prescriptions they have given me don’t work, and the sleep hygiene routine does the exact opposite and freaks me out even more (my therapist actually warned me away from most of the practices as CPTSD and Trauma symptoms are accentuated by a lot of those processes).

I do wish I could work a job again that I could sleep 3-4 hours at night, then 2-3 hours in the afternoon. I did do that for a few months when I was 100% telework for the state. I just worked my hours around that. However right now I am stuck working normally accepted business hours which don’t fit into my needs and I will just try and push my way through. After all, its been 48 years and it hasn’t killed me right?

Uncomfortable Insomnia with a bit of Panic Attack

Woke up with panic attack.

I realize this is bad form. I am posting out of order. I just had my surgeries three days ago and I am thrilled with the results. I look really good, I am incredibly happy, etc. However., that post will come later, now I am talking about how uncomfortable I woke up feeling this evening. I think I was dreaming as well, but I don’t remember it now.

My breasts hurt, well ache is probably more accurate. A deep deep ache as they are particularly large and are still moving into place. They said it takes a week or more for them to settle in their final position. They are awesome, but yep… still twinge and ache while I type.

The strap I have to wear on top of them is the most annoying and aching part. The boobs need a gentle but steady push downward to move them into place. That is what the strap does. I never realized how uncomfortable breast implants were… but totally worth it!

My face is even more painful. The cutting, stapling, moving of muscles, and a bit of lipo means it is swollen. I am incredibly excited by it, it makes me happy… especially my lips, but it aches, is swollen and still needs time to heal.

Mostly though I was uncomfortable due to the claustrophobia I felt at 1130pm. Since I have gotten out of surgery my head has been wrapped in one form or another. To be honest, most of the last three days have been a blur due to exhaustion and Percocet. I am taking less than prescribed and I think I finally woke up with that hurt catching up.

It didn’t help though that I can’t hear. That gave me a panic attack as well. My ears are pretty swollen, and on top of it they are wrapped up. This combined with my hearing deficit I am fairly close to deaf if I am fully wrapped up. The swelling on the ears caught me off guard, but even now I think they are better than three days ago.

I am fortunate, I can take off the wrap when I want, but I want the neck work to have the best chance to heal so I am leaving it on. I even have the stupid little support straps on right now to help keep it in place while I sleep.

I think the uncomfortableness also stems from not eating well for the last three days. Hubby has been feeding me, but no appetite (although a good point, no throwing up either). I have had very little caffeine intake, and until a few hours ago I hadn’t had any hormones for more than two weeks. I suspect this evening’s little wake up feeling like I was being suffocated is all of this, along with a slight panic attack.

I have always had a fear of suffocating. I woke up with that feeling compounded by being wrapped up as if buried alive. I totally get that I am full of hyperbole right now, but it is what I woke up with along with my normal night terrors/insomnia.

Now that I have spent 20 minutes trying to write this out I am more tired and less panicked. I will leave it at that, tired, hurting a bit, but happier than anyone else could ever imagine. Maybe I will watch some more Wu Assassins and fall asleep. I will come back tomorrow with all the pictures and stories about my surgery. The pictures are both awesome, and god awful, sort of like me.

In the Middle – the Penis

This is a TMI warning to everyone. The following post is about my masculine junk that sits between my legs. No one talks about it, and I found some transitional things out the hard way, so I figure I would post about it to those who are curious about what really happens.

This is my viewpoint, only my experiences. Other trans/nonbinary people (MTF, FTM or nonbinary will have different experiences). You are warned from this point out. Also, this post is JUMBO, and I don’t apologize for it. It’s a complicated subject matter I haven’t really talked about before… but I am sure I will talk more in the future (also JUMBO is an inside joke you will get if you read this). Continue reading “In the Middle – the Penis”

In the Middle – Surgical Things.

I know it has been a little while since I last wrote. I swore I would have time to write more, but things have been a little anxious and nerve-wracking and I haven’t had the energy to sit down and write. The good news is that I have gotten to help copy edit the husband’s first book in his new urban fantasy. When we publish it I will tell you all about it.

I have noticed lately that I get the most anxious when I am stuck in the middle of something. Right now, that is EVERYTHING in my life. Work, hobbies, trying to figure out if we are going to buy a house someday in our future. The middle has never been a good place for me, and unlike all other times, I am kind of trapped and have to deal with it, instead of jetting everything and starting something new.

The biggest thing that bothers me being stuck in the middle is of course my transition. That is the elephant in the room, the one huge thing about me that is still in flux and not moving along fast enough for me.

Whether it’s surgical, looks, or financial it seems to all come back to not being able to wrap up anything definitively involving my expressing who I am in the way that feels like me. I do really horrible with that. I figured this post would be about most of my surgical in-between frustrations (I have other posts about being in the middle of my look/dysphoria, but that would make this way too long to read if combined here).

Surgical is the easiest to actually talk about. The stay at home order came right as I was supposed to get my breast augmentation. I agree with the governor, I believe the stay at home order is a good one, I just get frustrated that everything was put on hold. This is a selfish thing, and I don’t wish it to end the stay at home sooner than it is needed, but I do wish to whine about it here.

I think the worst part was knowing the surgery was probably going to be canceled. However the two weeks went by and I heard nothing, so I had some hope there. Of course it happened literally right when we were getting ready to climb in our car for my pre-op appointment. I saw their name on the phone and I knew what it was.

They were sweet about it, and when I asked if we could still come in and talk about additional options they didn’t even hesitate and we drove up anyways. I figured if my surgery was getting indefinitely postponed, maybe we could talk about additional options for when we could do it.

After a great discussion with our surgeon we did walk away with a good point about the postponement. The doctor was interested in our rearranging to get more stuff done at once (of course he was interested, that is a bigger paycheck for him). Both the hubby and I figured maybe we could save some money if we combined surgeries. You know, that whole economy of scale, or in this case not paying for a surgical room a second time, and not paying additional anesthesia, after all, I am already unconscious, why not just do more.

Pushing the pause button means that when we start back up (hopefully this month) I will get my second part of FFS/Lip Feminization done at the same time as my breast augmentation. We also decided to swing for an extended face-lift. That will help feminize parts of my face, and the secondary effect of making me look younger is good too. After all, the hubby deserves to have an attractive bride on his arm…HAHAHAHAHA.The stay at some order has been good in other ways too. The hubby and I eat out a lot, and we tend to spend a good chunk of money on activities. In addition we have huge student loan payments (ok these aren’t fun, but they are required). The stay at home order cancelled all of that including postponing student loan payments. This combined with the fact that we can both still work from home has been useful. I have been able to put away more than half to the money for the surgery in cash, enough so that I can pull the second half from our line of credit and pay the surgeon 100% meaning we get a $750 or so discount on my lip feminization/FFS/facelift. So it was good. It will basically stall our paying back for my first surgery three months, but it won’t put us in any more debt. Even so, I am still frustrated by the wait, but in this case, it had a positive effect.

What you may find surprising though is the surgery wasn’t the worst thing for me.My electrolysis is by far the more frustrating surgical/procedure thing that is affecting me. My beard is the absolute worst thing on my body. I hate it with a passion of a thousand suns. I literally get anxiety attacks in the afternoon if I can see the five o’clock shadow building up. It is the absolute worst thing to impact my dysphoria and I would do almost anything to just snap my fingers and it be gone forever.

However, I do know this is temporary. We are going to be hitting up the electrolysis again when WA and AZ are both open (I fly down there for it), and that will happen eventually. Until then I will just shave twice a day and freak out quietly in my room. There isn’t anything I can do about it at all, I just have to wait it out. As all my long term friends can vouch for… I don’t do well at waiting for anything.

There is an additional surgical/medical thing even more frustrating and actually painful, but I will post separately about that. It is way too much TMI for most people (won’t stop me posting) but I will separate it as its own so people can skip the whole entry if they want. So stay tuned for that.

The only surgeries other than the TMI one I haven’t talked about is a possible tummy tuck in a year. My weight loss has been maintained at over 100lbs lost, which means I have excess skin around my belly and a bit on my thighs. It isn’t nearly as impacting as my face/electrolysis or even my groin, but it does bother me a lot. I never realized how crappy women’s clothing can make you feel if you have parts that don’t fit so well. Definitely a sobering experience going through it compared to what I “thought” it was when presenting as a guy. That being said, I am not too worried about the skin and it and can wait :).

That is my in-between for medical, more medical coming along with how I feel about being in the middle looks wise. Thanks for reading 

The lifting grey clouds.

It probably goes without saying that my childhood, along with my being transgender all add up to some serious mental health obstacles. This ranges from dysphoria, CPTSD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder,  crippling lack of self-worth, suicidal ideation (2 attempts as a teen), the inability to keep jobs (before I graduated at the age of 36 from college I had held 60 jobs), and just absolute anxiety and depression (don’t worry I am sure you will all get to read about all of these things multiple times).

I never liked talking or admitting my family had problems growing up. It was even more extreme for talking about my own problems. So I just tried to keep myself going. I just pictured myself as a knight in armor whose only job was to make sure those I loved survived.

I lucked out in finding my husband, he has helped me a lot even though he hadn’t heard most of the details of my childhood and teen years beyond some basic broad strokes. Without him I would have ended up in some very very bad places and I doubt sincerely I would be alive past the age of 25.

Within a few years of being married to my husband I thought most of the problems had gone away. I didn’t wake up with nightmares, I didn’t hear voices sometimes and I felt my life had a purpose.

What I hadn’t realized is that the mental health problems were still there, but had become so bad that I had become so depressed and disassociated that I was numb. I was like that for more than 20 years. I didn’t have the positive and negative emotional surges and it had just become a grey cloud I walked around in. I kept large insurance payout on myself and just sort of wished I would disappear. I think the one reason I am still around is because I was worried about taking care of my husband and my parents.

Coming out and transitioning has been a godsend. I have found a great therapist and the depression has lifted. The problem I have come to discover is the depression is what kept my moods at a fairly stable level. A depressed foggy level that I was so depressed and numb that everything was grey.

Now at the age of 48, for the first time in my life and the first time the husband has ever witnessed, I cry sometimes. Not to alarm you and let you think it is only bad emotions I have, I also have a lot of good reactions as well, the crying though didn’t even happen at the deaths of both of my parents. I had this feeling inside I couldn’t let that emotion out or show that kind of weakness at any time in my life.

All of my mental health issues are still here, but now I am not depressed on top of it and I can feel really good about myself and my life. Sometimes I look at a picture of myself and for the first time I think I look cute, or at the very least look closer to who I am supposed to be. I hated my image in every picture I have taken since I was 15 or older up until the last year or so. Even when I was skinny and not unattractive I hated them.

I am fortunate that both my husband (who was a mental health nurse for over a decade) and my therapist, warned me that the depression lifting didn’t mean that my other issues faded away. It prepared me for the rollercoaster I am on now. Sometimes incredibly happy, sometimes incredibly dark in my head. I can show emotion now though, or at least real emotion, and that makes me feel more like a human and less like a robot or an empty suit of armor meant to protect someone else.

It is a new world for me to explore, the ups and downs. I still sometimes get ideas of suicide or self-hatred. I also get times now that I am so incredibly happy with my life in general and my husband and my new self specifically that I feel like my heart is going to burst. On top of this my HRT isn’t settled yet so I am like a hormonal teenage girl and that is sometimes obvious to my husband.

Even with the rollercoaster up and downs of emotions, I am having right now, I wouldn’t trade it. I like the way I look, I love my husband and I like my life. The lifting of the grey clouds of depression might reveal the negative, but it also gave me a life back inside and made me for the first time in my life since I was a child to live and find a way to be happy.

 

Contrary to what I have written lately, I am happy

I realize a lot of my posts have been negative lately. The grief of the anniversary of my father’s death, the stresses of family, the transphobia on a regular basis. This might make it seem like everything is just doom and gloom. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am happier now then I have been since I was seventeen. To be honest I am much happier than even then. This morning I was in the shower and I saw in our little hanging shower mirror the girl I am. It only lasted until it steamed up again, but I caught a glimpse, something I never saw my entire life before my transition.

In other mirrors I sometimes catch it, or maybe just in the way sometimes people react. Sometimes I even feel it inside, sometimes for a brief moment I forget all the stresses and I just feel like me. It is the greatest thing ever.

I definitely see it a lot in the eyes of my husband. That is where I see myself the most, and the most often I feel whole. Not specifically that I wouldn’t be whole without him, but I see the confirmation of who I am. Not just as a transgender girl, but my creativity, my intelligence, and emotional capacity. There is a validation there.

I just wanted to clarify to everyone that while a lot of hard things are happening, I have never been happier before, and so unhappy as well, evidently when the depression leaves, I don’t get access to the ability to numb the bad parts, but that is ok it means I feel the good parts too.

I just can’t tell my friends and family enough how much I love them for their support in allowing me to be who I am. I especially can’t tell my husband enough how much he means to me.

Things are great in my head, I promise!!!