Harassed twice in 15 hours…

It has been a long time since I was out and about in public as often as this last week. I forgot about the dozen microaggressions in each store, and the contrasting supporting smiles I get. This has been the most I have been in public with the new boobs, and the new fat transfer, for over a year and I started out feeling really good about myself… ya over the last two days that sort of ended a little harshly compared to where I started.

On Thursday we decided after work to go to Trader Joes and do a snack run for the weekend. I had a new Henley type top and felt really good. That only lasted about thirty seconds into Trader Joes when I had some old fuck look at me directly and brush across my boobs. Never apologizing and never doing anything but smirking. I have to be honest and say I was shocked at how brazen it was.

It has been awhile since I have been in that situation and honestly I just froze up. All I could do is concentrate on breathing and trying to get back with Wolsey (we had been separated) while avoiding anyone else that might brush up or touch me. The sad part was during the whole time I was angry at myself for not responding angrily at the man, especially when he would stare at me as he walked by with his wife several times in the store. Before the pandemic I would have said something to him, flipped him off or got Wolsey immediately. All I did though was just hope it went away.

By the time we got out of the store the hubby asked me what was wrong and why was I holding my hands in a weird way in front of myself. To be honest I didn’t realize I was doing that, and immediately tried to put my hands away. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him, I didn’t want him to be upset. Eventually he coaxed me into telling him and he was angry and reassuring. Angry at the asshole, reassuring to me and asked if I wanted him to go back, I told him no and that I just wanted to keep going. He completely respected me and we moved on.

We finished shopping at Winco, got some Subway and went home. The hubby was so incredibly nice to me. I am pretty fortunate that he is trans, I know a lot of cis guys were never through this experience and don’t understand (I was like that somewhat before I transitioned). He calmed me down and life was much better.

This is me in the car waiting for hubby (in the window behind me) comes back with Subway! I was feeling pretty rough about it.

Remarkably about 14 hours later (about 8am) we had just gotten out of my brain MRI (good news, I don’t have a brain tumor!) and went to Denny’s before we had to go to other appointments. We entered Denny’s and I felt pretty good about myself, but we were seated next to what I am sure was a MAGA fuck. As we walked over I watched as he took pictures of me (I feel like I looked pretty good, I was a bit exhausted and disheveled from the MRI).

Wolsey saw this and we both looked at each other as we sat down. The guy who was less than 3 feet from us on the connected booth literally plugged his phone in the socket on the area between where Wolsey and him sat and began videoing me. The hubby immediately shifted where he sat and blocked it off mostly, and I shifted so he couldn’t get a good shot. I realize my t-shirt probably showed off my boobs pretty well (not visible below) but I looked tired, crappy and vulnerable. The hubby and I both believe that is what attracts these assholes, the vulnerability is what they can sense.

I was not feeling it with asshole taking my picture.

Wolsey asked if I wanted him to approach the guy. I had considered losing my shit on the guy, I considered having the hubby do it, but to be honest I was fucking tired and just wanted my breakfast. I could tell my social armor is worn down and I haven’t gotten practice with it lately, this happened before the pandemic quite a bit, but I had gotten accustomed to it (no one should have to, but it is a survival mechanism).

If you notice the guy behind Wolsey has just laid his phone down and he was sighing in frustration. He didn’t catch we were blocking it at first.

The funny thing was listening to the guy talk on his phone and tell people he didn’t have their money but he would next Friday… it was hilarious. In addition Wolsey didn’t confront the guy (doing as I asked) but he did make several awesomely world class snide remarks and observations about the guy loud enough the guy could hear it, but when the guy looked over at Wolsey, noticed all of his tats he evidently decided he wasn’t that offended and stopped videoing me. He did take a couple of those awkward angled photos when I came out of the bathroom but by then I was feeling a little better and I think whatever weakness he sensed was fading and he eventually stopped.

There is asshole behind hubby trying to explain why he can’t pay someone he owes money to.

The problem I am having now (and it sucks but it is a good sign that occasionally my boobs fool men for a short time) is that I now get harassed sexually for looking feminine, and for being trans. Sometimes it is for being feminine (especially big boobs) that turns to transphobic when they make the realization

Life is still great, but sometimes it is rougher having to deal with people. Especially people in person. This is the biggest reason I have hesitated in dating (yes we are poly for those that don’t know), I am unfamiliar with how to traverse dating, let alone dating as a woman, and especially with the additional transgender subject.

I am so glad I have my hubby. ❤

Overcoming pre-transition ideas.

I have to admit that I never understood why anyone would put botox or lip filler in before I transitioned. Not that I ever had a problem with it. I always felt a person should do what they want with their body as long as it made them happy, but I never understood it.

Well last month I decided I was tired of all the crinkles/wrinkles around my eyes, and that my lip wasn’t quite as full as I wanted (I wanted to wait and see how it healed for more than a year from the lip feminization surgery, which I love by the way).

I don’t have a great picture to show you the wrinkles/lip, probably because I instinctly avoid those.

So I made an appointment with La Belle Vie Cosmetic Medspa. They are the same overall facility that I got my second FFS surgery, tummy tuck and boob job (and where I will go for my thigh/butt lift after GCS). I wasn’t too sure what to expect, but I was sure that I wasn’t going to be impressed. As it turns out I was wrong.

I got to meet Anne Marie RN, who runs the medspa portion. She was incredibly kind, easy going and answered all my questions. The thing that impressed me more though was that she listened to us about trans concerns, and she questioned us about how other clinics worked. She really appeared at least to want to improve their facility (including possible electrolysis for trans patients).

I learned from her that lip fillers can last up to about a year, which was far longer than I have had other people say. I learned botox and the other various “tox” injections were much easier, less painful and most of all I learned that they do work.

The biggest thing I was impressed with though was that while there is always the normal additional options you can select, she recommended against some of them and instead recommended for under my eyes to get a blepharoplasty to have a better bang for my buck instead of just trying to use filler or botox which both might not be very effective but cost a lot more in the end.

I go in on the 26th of October to get a small dogear left over from my tummy tuck removed and I am going to talk to Dr. Mangubat about a blephoraplasty. I am pretty excited about that possibility.

The procedure itself wasn’t very painful, but immediately my lip for the filler began to swell up like Mike Tyson had punched me. Anne Marie was worried I was having a reaction and the hubby and I both had to reassure her that for whatever reason I swell up a lot, but it goes away super fast.

I also had to reassure her that I bruise easily, but it is normal. I go through this every time I go down to Phoenix to get electrolysis and that in no way is she at fault nor would either of us blame her. I have definitely had a worse reaction to electrolysis.

That being said she continued forward with injections to my forehead, around the outside of my eyes and my chin for botox, and lip filler in both lips. We didn’t touch under my eyes though because it might make my eyes sag worse (which is why I am going to speak to Dr. Mangubat about the Blephoraplasty).

By the end of it I was feeling pretty good and actually pretty surprised at how painless it actually was (needle in lip always hurts but was similar to lidocaine for my electrolysis). My face was looking beat up, and Anne Marie did explain it takes up to two weeks for the effects to be noticeable.

So the hubby and I decided to go by Old Navy to return some leggings while we were out (weirdly enough two different guys circled me while I was waiting for the hubby to try on some clothes, not to be confused by the three guys in Express a couple weeks later).

We then stopped at Aztecha for some Mexican food and then returned home where I took some photos of my lips and my face. Yep Mike Tyson did a number. What I was really surprised by was though as the swelling went down, the effect was good and I like how it looks.

I will be honest, it was expensive, and my face was beat up looking for a few days but I like the effect and to be honest I spent the first 50 years of my life avoiding spending money on what I wanted, how I looked and just for something that was for me. I think I will do this regularly though.

The next few days it all healed up pretty well. I had some bruising and swelling but nothing I would worry about.

The one thing I think that I am really happy about is that the hubby expressed some interest in maybe a bit of botox and blephoraplasty. He doesn’t express when he wants things like that very much and while I think he is fucking gorgeous, I want him to know that I want to spend as much money on whatever he wants just as much as I do mine.

In fact I feel much better about my own stuff if I know he is comfortable expressing if and when he wants something done for himself. Also, I think now a month later I can see the effect and it is really great (I am not sure the pictures will show it clear enough):

Me in mid October, 1+ month since botox/lip filler. Still don’t have a good shot of my lip though.

I am really enjoying how I look and feel in my body. not just gender wise (although that is the biggest portion) but all the other parts. Now that I am 50 I feel like I can make myself comfortable.

Traditional women’s concerns

I absolutely love the results from my surgeries on my face via FFS. The bone work laid out by Dr. Ley, and the skin/muscle/fat work done by Dr. Mangubat have left me for the first time in 50 years finding I love how I look, and not looking at myself so hatefully.

While I have had over a year to ponder about my face, and while I really love who I am and what I look like, there is still something that bothers me, and probably bothers me far more now than it used to, due to the fact I got rid of most of my dysphoric looks. That would be the wrinkles and lines around my face, and my relatively thin lips.

At the age of 50, I realize I am doing really, I look younger than I am and I know others might be completely satisfied look like this. This is not meant to take away from that at all. I also did know that I am older, and transitioning from a very masculine body. I never cared for my skin, I never made sure to eat, drink or moisturize (although I did stay out of the sun because of allergies).

The hubby and I in 2015, 3 years before my transition and never considerd skin care… me on the right.

I have found though that the wrinkles really do bother me. I couldn’t tell you if it’s partially a reaction that it isn’t until I am 50 that I can be who I was supposed to and maybe I am trying to regain some time I should have had as a woman, or if this is just something I would have felt even if I was female from birth. Either way, that thought is just fluff to outline that I wanted to do something about it. I am fortunate, I have a husband that wants me to be happy and didn’t balk when I brought this up. I am fortunate that at this moment we can afford to do these things, even if it slows down repayment of debts.

I have been gauging what I wanted to do to address this for over a year. The wrinkles bothered me before surgery, but I knew better than to try and address those things before I did the FFS. Someone who gets FFS doesn’t know where they will end up, so trying to fix it before made no sense.

The most important picture, my hubby saying hi while taking me to Mexican after my botox/lip filler. I love him so much.

I also had considered using my electrolysis clinic in Phoenix I go to for face clearing. I didn’t do that not because they aren’t awesome, but because the electrolysis is temporary and eventually I won’t travel down there when the hair doesn’t grow back. I wanted a place I could go to for treatment that wouldn’t require a flight and overnight stay.

So when I went in last Friday, September 10th to Mangubat’s spa I had a good idea of what I wanted, but I was going to let the Nurse who is in charge of this guide me so I could read how much I could trust the spa. I was impressed with how patient and kind she was to me, a trans woman who had never been through this. I realize this is a no-brainer for customer service, but medical clinics often have bad bedside manners, but not here.

Heading out to get it done in this pic.

She was fantastic, in fact, she went out of her way after looking me over to tell me not to get some of the stuff I wanted to be done. She recommended going to Mangubat for blepharoplasty to take care of the bags under my eyes (which I am going to do). I was incredibly pleased though that she didn’t try to make money for something that wouldn’t help, or might even make worse. This is a key factor in wanting to stay with this medical spa. I have talked to others and they recommended a ton of items, but she explained that it might help long term after I had the surgery, but it wouldn’t get the look or the skin in the right shape without far more money than the actual surgery costs

So I ended up with some botox and lip filler (the names elude me, next time I will track the names and let you know). The lip filler I always knew I wanted because I had very masculine lips. Dr. Mangubat definitely feminized them (and they do look cute) but they are still thin. So I went in there and they gave me a single vial and now 10 days later I think it looks great. We went small to avoid having duck lips, but looking at it now I think I will get a little more next time. What did surprise me is that lip filler lasts about a year, I had assumed it would be every 3-4 months like botox.

The botox was even more of a surprise. I grew up and in the 80s/90s the whole botox making you look like a doll situation was going on. I had always doubted it could help you and yet not make you look like you are perpetually surprised. However, I believe in trusting the professional I go to (with the correct amount of skepticism of course). She didn’t lead me wrong. She said it would take about 2 weeks to see the final treatment, but within a few days most of the wrinkles had lessened dramatically and in some areas disappeared around the outside of my eyes.

I am excited about how it looks, and I think next time I will be more easy going with how much she uses. They have already proven they are careful, and to be honest, even if it was too much, none of it is permanent. The lips will lessen and the botox wears off.

No Regrets!

I am definitely going to keep doing this, and I might get a little more experimental. It is really nice though that I can participate in a traditionally feminine thing like this and feel like my being trans really doesn’t impact it. I am also glad I found a good place to go and will keep going for as long as I have the money and it is working.

Hard recovery is mostly over.

I look back and I notice that the last post I did was the beginning of May, here it is the middle of June and now I am just getting around to posting. I suspect that is because this was a lot harder recovery from surgery the normal. I think it resulted in me having a huge disassociation for a few weeks and to be honest I am still coming around. Who would have thought a tummy tuck, liposuction and fat transfer to my waist/butt/thighs would be so intense.

Don’t get me wrong, my skull surgery was definitely more “invasive” but that was the only one. This last surgery was about liposuctioning off around 1.5-2 liters of fat around my mid-section (that is all he could get out of there) and putting it around my thighs, ass and hips. He did very well with that.

Combine that with removing a twenty inch wide, and at least 6-8 inches wide set of skin, and then using a plasma device to seal it down the wound recovery was far harsher then I had anticipated externally, not even counting the suck of wearing a compression suit for 30 days. The scar is pretty big, but already starting to retreat.

That being said I think the hardest part was going through two full doses of anesthesia for my March surgery with the thyroidectomy and my April surgery and recovery. I am doing well now, and I am fairly excited that I might get my GRS (is that the correct acronym now, it feels like it keeps changing) within 18 months, then that will be the end of transgender surgeries… unless of course I want to get a little vanity work done around my eyes, or get a thigh/butt lift after my GRS/GCS, both of which are options, but are more for my personal aesthetic then trans related.

Even with all this though, I haven’t pulled at my belly once and I feel like I look really good on my abdomen, thighs, butt and hips. That will be its own set of posts though, I just wanted to share here that I am alive, functioning at almost normal and feeling really good.

It is true, I end up pacing everywhere.

Seems I am coming out of my funk, that makes me feel better. Also will mean I hope to write more, sorry about the communications silence. I hate it when I do that.

It looks like my hard recovery is mostly over.

A Costly Egg Sandwich

I have a lot of experience with the medical system. Not just my transition, or my physical problems, but also my experience billing for insurance, running a clinic, etc. I have seen all sorts of ridiculousness.

Right now in my life there are a lot of doctors beyond just the transition. We are still working on the mass on my thyroid, and also the infamous espohagus/stomach issues and my vomiting. Right now we will talk about the esophagus/stomach issues and an example of why capitalistic medical system is bullshit.

I went into Kaiser on January 14th for a test that would trace radioactive material through my esophagus and into my stomach. I got a gastric emptying test, basically a test that detects how quickly my stomach breaks down and passes food through.

The end result was clear (meaning that isn’t the problem). However, the problem I had was the costs. They utilized a plain white bread fried egg white sandwich. No toppings, completely plain except it was coated in a specific radioactive substance that they tracked.

Most expensive plain egg white sandwich you will ever have. Could have at least used nice bread.

No big deal, the staff were incredibly nice and it tasted like a horribly bland egg sandwich. That is until I got the bill for it. I won’t even cover the cost of the procedure itself, just the cost of the material in the egg sandwich.

I am fortunate, I have medical insurance (an HMO) and they basically “charge” themselves for it. The total bill was about $1,853 or so for the procedure, they wrote off $590.16 to magically pay themselves (and also they still make a profit on that $1,200+ test.

The kicker was the $507.52 charge for the egg sandwich. Yes it is a radiopharmaceutical agent, but there is just something ridiculous about the cost. It appears they probably used Tc-99m Sulfur Colloid which the outdated information I had was $36 per dose. Let me be very generous and say the price increased 2.5 times or more and is $100 per dose.

That means for my sandwhich that should have probably cost $100 + less than $1 for the bread and eggs was a total of $101. Yet they charged me more than five times that much at $507 (and the odds are they got it closer to $50 and it is ten times as much).

This is why the capitalist system is bad for the individual. The government already payed the majority of the R&D (that is a whole other aspect), and yet they are still charging a minimum of 5-10 TIMES more then the cost for an agent that they don’t have to incur any danger with.

It is ridiculous, and I admit my yelling here won’t change anything, but it does make me feel a little better.

August 17 2012 – General Update with Hubby (re-upload)

Original Airdate: 8/17/2012
Upload Date: 10/07/2020
Status: Pre transition
Subject: hubby, movies, batman health

This is my first remote update. I kind of like the 2-4 minute update from a non-home location using my iPhone. I think I might do this, it is easy enough I could do it daily without a problem.

 

Therapy and an ADHD diagnosis

I have been seeing a therapist many times in my life. The most recent is since January’ish of 2019 and for the first time ever it seems to be working at least partially. This has come as a complete surprise to me and has actually benefited me in several ways.

Before my most recent therapist, I had tried going to three different therapists over the decades and one group therapy. None of them worked out. They almost uniformly would get so caught up in my childhood and not help me with what I needed to do now. One of them grilled me about my past enough I am fairly sure she was thinking about writing a book about my family. That therapist didn’t last long.

Although in truth, I never cried for those therapists.
Continue reading “Therapy and an ADHD diagnosis”

I am terrified

I realize saying that I am terrified will be considered hyperbole by some, but it isn’t. I have had to stop reading any news sites because of the anxiety I am getting just by watching things unfold.

Don’t get me wrong, still fully supportive of BLM, Trans Rights, etc. I however can’t watch new news stories.  Living in this kind of stress isn’t healthy and I figure until I can get my batteries recharged I don’t have the emotional stability and capability to be on it 100%. Things are bad enough I don’t feel I can even protest since being transgender and being arrested can really go awry.

I am watching my country slide into fascism, even though I know the majority can’t be like this (the scarier thought is maybe they are like this). The majority however is allowing it to happen. I am watching the setup for Trump to keep power even if he is voted out. I don’t think it will be by violence, I don’t think a civil war will happen. I suspect it will happen via the electoral college and Republican-held legislative bodies that control states electoral votes.

I am watching another GOP SCOTUS judge being rammed through and the Democrats are already saying even if they win the Senate and Presidency they don’t plan on expanding the bench. I am watching the rights of my sisters and brothers (and enbies) disappear in a cloud of upcoming legislation and supreme court decisions with that.

I am watching a fascist pushback by both federal and state/local governments on my non-white siblings. Along with the fact that other caucasian people like myself are ignoring it, getting “tired of it” or actively joining the fascist scumbags.

I am watching with the SCOTUS nomination the possibility of rolling back Roe v Wade, taking the rights of women and throwing them out the window. I personally don’t think its too far of a step if this happens for the GOP/Conservative Christians to start rolling back equal rights for women and minorities. Rights we have had for decades.

I am watching a virus rip through our population with no one caring. Walking outside I watch a larger than a comfortable amount of people who don’t care about the elderly or the infirm, all because they don’t want to wear masks or are upset that they cant go to a bar. I see on tv and the news other areas of the country where it is twenty times worse. More than 202,000 dead and people are ignoring it. Of course, it’s the same people who signed away our freedoms when only 4,000 people died in 9-11. Fifty times more dead and our government is doing nothing, the right doesn’t care and the old and vulnerable are being ripped apart by it. I always wonder if the right is happy about this since it hits the vulnerable the most.

I am watching the breakdown of the poor and working-class to make the rich even richer. The theft of social security, the breakdown of our infrastructure and the worship of our military increasing in size. I can’t even comment on how bad we are doing in our reputation with other countries, the destruction of our environment, and the end of the habitability for our world and us (oh, the world itself won’t end, contrary to a lot of doomsayers the world will keep on going and survive, its humans that won’t survive).

I am watching the rights of everyone who is not an evangelical Christian being suborned and removed by the Conservative Christian legislatures. We are safe for now in our state, but there are plenty of other times in history when rights and freedoms have been curtailed. Even for the LGBTQIA just have to look at Weimar Germany to see the rights can be lost. That can happen here.

Contrary to some, I have read our history and there are other times in our country when the administration has been as corrupt, SCOTUS has been bent for anti-rights for everyone and the poor and minorities are being crushed. It doesn’t change that we are rolling back more than a hundred years of advancement (spotty advancement at times). It also is quickly losing our position with the world, that doesn’t seem to bother most of the right though.

All of this in addition to my normal mental health issues that I am trying to tackle, work, and transition. The new medical concerns that have popped up and the concern I have over my husband’s health also just converge (and will always take precedence going forward).

I guess I just needed to share that I am indeed terrified of what is happening. I have to back away from a lot of what I was doing or researching and recharge. This won’t be over in 5 weeks with a new election, this won’t be over in 5 years when whoever is elected president this November has a new election.

God, I don’t even want to consider how bad it could look after a second “lame duck” term for Trump and his cronies. I am seriously considering if Trump wins again, what can we do to emigrate to Canada. I don’t think we will be able to do it. I will consider it though if it turns out to be possible.

I guess that was a long-winded way to say I am terrified right now and I am trying to figure out how to stop looking at this and making myself stressed.

Medical Update

The last few weeks have been busy. Packed with trips down to Phoenix for my face, work fires and some health things that came up. I realize most people think this is too personal, but if I don’t blog about something, I tend to not write about it or remember it fully. So here is my health update.

My therapy has been going well and we have been working on the trauma and CPTSD. During this time my therapist brought up that he would like me to pursue ADHD with my primary care doctor and see if something could be done about that.

The ADHD idea wasn’t really a surprise to me. When I worked for a doctors office back in the mid 90s I didn’t have medical, but the doctors would sometimes take a quick look at you. Ironic isn’t it that a medical office won’t provide medical, that is why I appreciate the Affordable Care Act, when I wasn’t getting medical working in a doctors office, and my spouse wasn’t getting it working as a nurse really shows how fucked capitalism is.

The doctor back then looked at me and said he thought I had adult ADHD. He also said as an adult nothing can be done and I would just need to handle it. That was also because I didn’t have insurance, but that is a whole other story. So for 23 years I ignored the ADHD and just caffeinated myself. So this idea wasn’t new, but I agreed to talk with the doctor and it satisfied my therapist.

Meanwhile I have had a couple of other ailments, including the repeated daily vomiting that has stuck with me for years (with no feeling sick). They scoped me once before and found a hernia, but nothing else. Also in January I had gotten super sick (sicker then I had ever been). Both the hubby and I were so sick we both went to urgent care (we couldn’t breath, I wonder if we had caught COVID before the USA acknowledged it arrived, after all we live in the Seattle area where it first appeared).

During my visit to urgent care I noticed I had a lump in the bottom of my throat. Of course urgent care was horrible, they barely looked at me and dismissed that lump. Unfortunately not long after this the full pandemic hit and we couldn’t get in to the doctor and our second visit to urgent care they once again waved it away (in fact they wouldn’t even touch it).

So last week I went to my doctor for the first time in about a year. My doctor is fantastic, willing to research things and willing to admit when he isn’t sure but he will do that research. He looked me over and confirmed what he think is ADHD for me and prescribed me meds. He also found that my throat had a mass the size of a golf ball on my thyroid. He is pretty sure it isn’t a malignant tumor, just a mass that should be able to be aspirated or removed, so he ordered me an ultrasound I go to next week. He then also examined my abdomen and set me up with a fluoroscopy.

So I went home with meds for ADHD, an appointment for a fluoroscopy and an appointment for an ultrasound. It is the first time in over a year I felt the medical community listened to me (except my HRT doc, he is awesome).

So a week later and I have addressed the ADHD with regular medication… AND IT FUCKING WORKS. I took the first pill and was worried I was going to bounce off the wall (it is like Ritalin, an upper), but instead I almost fell asleep an hour later. It has had no upper effect on me (which reinforced my memories that it took a hell of a lot of uppers to do anything for me when I was young).

I have been able to concentrate a lot better and for the first time in my memory as an adult I get lost in projects I am working on and would finish some of my projects including learn how to design sequences in Apple Motion 5 for videos, and I finished repainting and setting up my butsudan.

Not once did I look at social media when I am working on something, and I also noticed it actually helped my anxiety. In addition, barring last nights bad sleep, I have been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night (which is great because 3-4 was my normal and it was killing me). I suspect they may need to up it a level since there are still some issues (I started at lowest dose), but even at this dosage it is a game changer.

This last Tuesday I went in for my fluoroscopy. I assumed it was just like the barium swallow I did a couple years ago, but it was far more in depth. They had me swallow multiple cups of different liquid, while I sat, stood and laid down. They had me scanned once in a machine that moved me around. They then had me get x-rays multiple times over several different increments of time.

Jerry the Tech, and the doctor were both fantastic. Neither one of them referred to me with the wrong pronouns and they were both intent on my health. I really appreciated that. There was another new tech who thought I was a guy until I told him I was transitioning (I obviously have boobs, makeup and I don’t think I look as masculine as I did so I suspect he had an issue with me). I did learn from him that he left his last job as a tech because there were “too many young women and full of drama”. I was a bit stunned that he didn’t realize that he was probably the problem… but I digress.

While I was waiting for x-rays, they seated an older lady who hid away from me. Then I coughed a bit (the liquids they gave me had crystals that dried up my throat). When Jerry came back the old lady freaked out that I might have pneumonia. We both explained I was given a drink that dries my throat out and that I wasn’t sick. She still threw a fit, so Jerry in a supreme act of patience walked her into a different area. He apologized to me later, but I told him that he had nothing to apologize for.

Is it bad that it actually made me happy that the old lady only referred to me as a “young lady” and in fact only seemed freaked by my coughing. I couldn’t tell if she didn’t clock me or if she was cool with transgender people. Either way I will take that as a win.

Well I got out of the scanning after about 3.5 hours. The doc said he saw nothing in his initial review but couldn’t be definitive until he sat down with it. So I have a lot of hope that at least there isn’t a mass or something in my abdomen blocking my esophagus or stomach. That was the fear my original doctor had on why I was throwing up so much for years. Still waiting on report, but I have good hopes.

The thyroid mass does concern me, but the doctor and hubby both have felt it and it doesn’t have the obvious tell tale feeling of a malignant tumor. I am fairly sure no matter what happens I will be fine, but just in case I checked on the status of both my life insurance and they are good to go just in case. I will talk about that appointment next week I am sure.

There you have it, my immediate physical health condition as we speak. Being successfully treated for my ADHD, still unknown on stomach but unlikely anything like a mass, and my throat is still in the air, but unlikely malignant.

On the way home I got brave and swung by the park I normally go to for lunch at work. While I was there I played some music loudly and the crows and seagulls returned. I got to feed my birds for the first time in 8 months!!! That made my day.

Honestly I feel fairly healthy and cheered up.

Anxiety and Insomnia

I have always suffered from insomnia. Not the “I can’t go to sleep” variety, but the kind that after a few hours I wake up and I can’t go back to sleep no matter what. I have had this since at least the age of 10 that I remember, and I know my parents always talked about me getting up too early since at least 5.

For decades I just thought that is the way I was. 3-6 hours of sleep was my normal range, with 4-5 being the most common. I knew logically that wasn’t normal and I have had doctors tell me its not healthy or safe. I have been counseled on sleep hygiene, but the unfortunate fact is most elements of sleep hygiene just set off my CPTSD and night terrors.

I can’t sleep in a quiet dark room. I wake up within a short time with nightmares, anxiety attacks etc. I can sometimes get by with a fan running, but that is only sometimes and eventually it stops working. So we end up having the TV play in the background, and then in the last few years ran Youtube videos. That does help, but sometimes I still go to bed fairly let trying to stay up, and be up by midnight (those are really bad nights).

This was all normal for me as a child as well. The only difference was there was no TV in my bedroom, no lights on and I ended up waking up around 1ish and not sleeping until 4-5am and then only for an hour before getting up. I stayed in my room because I would get in trouble for getting up too early.

It dawned on me though this morning at 1am as I laid in bed that my dad must have known something was up with me even as a child. He would on a regular basis sneak into my room and have me come with him to the kitchen and he would fry up a bologna sandwich and we would watch some tv or a movie on the VCR. I have incredibly fond memories and I suspect it might be one of many reasons the two of us were close.

It also dawned on me this morning that my dad did this very little with my siblings. They didn’t have any sleep problems and would sleep through the whole night. So the vast vast majority of the time he would just come get me. I remember he used to always watch me with worried eyes. It dawns on me now that my dad had the exact same sleeping problem.

The only way he would sleep all the way through was the judicious use of drugs and alcohol due to insomnia, anxiety, trauma, PTSD and flashbacks. It makes sense that he probably recognized I was having problems and did what he could to help. It was always in my worst sleep phases that he would come in and do that. Funny enough when he did that, I would go back to bed and sleep in. Probably the only time in my childhood I would sleep fully.

Either way, I had never realized how regularly he did it, and the fact that I was suffering insomnia and anxiety as a child. There was definitely childhood trauma and PTSD, but I don’t know if there was a genetic component as well, or maybe something learned by watching my father as a very young child. I wonder how much of it was inherited from him (genetic or learned).

I guess this post is mostly about my realization of how far back my insomnia and anxiety go. I can combat the sleep on a semi-regular basis by self medicating, but the prescriptions they have given me don’t work, and the sleep hygiene routine does the exact opposite and freaks me out even more (my therapist actually warned me away from most of the practices as CPTSD and Trauma symptoms are accentuated by a lot of those processes).

I do wish I could work a job again that I could sleep 3-4 hours at night, then 2-3 hours in the afternoon. I did do that for a few months when I was 100% telework for the state. I just worked my hours around that. However right now I am stuck working normally accepted business hours which don’t fit into my needs and I will just try and push my way through. After all, its been 48 years and it hasn’t killed me right?