Facebook and stuff

I am still a little anxious using this as a personal blog, not that I have a problem coming out and showing my life here, but that somehow I am doing something wrong by just being me here. I suspect that has more to do with my issues with myself having to be worked on.

The one thing that is true, you can’t hide from yourself. I am accepting and growing into who I should be, but that means there is a lot of crap I am going to have to deal with that I buried for the last 47 years… oh shit I just realized that its my birthday too. It’s funny how this is all coming up at the same time.

I am going to have to fully come out on facebook. I don’t actually like using it, but a lot of my friends are married to Facebook and won’t try other things, so if I want to maintain social contact I have to stay.

The reason I say I have to come out on Facebook fairly soon is someone who doesn’t know just sent a friends request. I am sure that means she does know, she is smart and she knows us. That means however that my profile must be popping up for other people. So I might as well just be obvious and come out, giving others the option to ask to friend me, or if they want to walk away quietly they can.

This is a little earlier then I planned, but to be honest I don’t think I had a specific deadline so it doesn’t hurt anything either. Things are starting to roll forward, and the hormones are not going to be stopped anyways so let’s just do this!

Oh and I probably will roll my pre-transition stuff over here as I go. You won’t see it pop up in your feed as I am keeping the original dates, but it will start showing up in the archives.

Seattle Gender Odyssey, the Night Before

I went to my first Gender Odyssey convention and it was emotionally draining. Not that anything went poorly, but the emotional baggage around everything is so huge and it definitely took a lot of spoons.

The event started Thursday night. I got to a hotel to visit with my husband’s GRS surgeons to look at me. Just the week before waiting for the short 15 minute consult I was amped, Thursday got bad, especially at work, so by the time we arrived at 6:30 at night I was just jumpy.

The surgeon’s office has always been good surgeons, there was some bedside manner and after care issues, but I definitely recommend them for their skills. That is why I am going to them.

So they had me come into a hotel room where both surgeons are, along with three staff members. One of the surgeons is getting close to retirement I believe, thus finishing the training and getting ready to pass the practice to the second surgeon. Both are incredibly good though.

They sat me down and I told them what I want. I want FFS, especially hairline, brow, eyes and chin/jaw if possible. They listened for a couple of minutes and then leaned forward and started looking my face over in depth, including the requisite touching my face.

They said my hair is in real good condition. I knew that logically but it was a huge weight off my shoulders hearing a professional say that (yes the husband has always said it was good, but sometimes husbands do that to make you feel better).

They then thought the moving up my brow, with some cranioplasty would definitely give me a more feminine hairline, along with opening my eyes up. That along with the chin/jaw work and with the lip implant they suggested (and they are right, my upper lip is flat as any boy) I think I have a really good chance at this.

I left the meeting feeling both good for myself, and worried of course. What happened if something went wrong, how would I proceed. What if hubby saw me as too feminine and couldn’t handle it. What if I cost us too much money. All of these were thoughts, but were not true, not in the least.

So we went home and got some sleep before going to our single panel we were going on Friday. The day was worth it, but already costly emotionally and mentally. We knew the next day would be worse, as not much sleep to be had along with severe family obligations/pressure. I will cover the Friday in a different post with lots of details.

Physical Update

I figured I would give a physical Update. Since this has started I have now lost 70+ pounds. I weight about 230lbs and it dropped from 300+ at the start since end of March 2018. I usually round down which is why I say 65lbs lost with all the fluctuations.

I have dropped from a Casual Male/DXL 46 inch waist (found it is closer to 48+ since they seem to vanity size) to between a 38 and 40 (40s are becoming too big now). I fit in my tiny husband’s baggy cargo pants now (its a 38). I don’t think I have fit that small since I was 24 or so. I can now fit into shirts and pants at Target, without looking like a sausage. First time in a decade. The weight is still coming off so I am still hopeful for the 180-200lb range. I am thinking maybe by Christmas if I am lucky.

The hormones and t-blockers are going well. They upped me to 300mg of Spirolactane and it seems things are working better. Breast growth has started. Not really noticeable unless you know what to look for, but I can feel it. I hear a lot of complaints about pain, but they just ache occasionally. 

I did find out some great news. My insurance changed since it is now through my husband and his job with the state. They will reimburse after six months for electrolysis (I have done it three times now for my face, the laser hair removal part). It means the remaining three times for laser, and the actual electrolysis that follows might be affordable.

Also found out after 1 year (for me I think its April 6 2019) they will cover an orchiotomy and breast augmentation. Definitely the orchie will happen, the breast augmentation will depend on if I am far enough along or if I need the effects of the orchie to help me progress.

The hubby and I have talked about FFS and that is definitely something I want. See if they can pull my scalp forward, some cheek/jaw work and maybe open up my eyes a bit. I don’t think I need a nose job I think, but maybe some lippo under my chin as well. The insurance said its possible it will be allowed next year, but I am not counting on it. As soon as we get hubby’s car paid off I think I am just going to pay it to get it done.

Other than that, I have been super healthy. My depression is at an all time low. I am excited for last three months to just do things, enough so that hubby I am sure is tired by now. Also my hair is getting longer, I am going to get a trim since I have dead ends, but it is longer then it has been since I was 17 and that makes me excited.

Overall my physical and mental condition is great. I will report in on that in another month or two unless something happens.

Stay tuned for more posts though! I have a whole list coming.

 

Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up this morning at 1am to a horrific panic/anxiety attack dreams that I was fucking the husband over. Not the transition, I am sure this is who I am and who I am supposed to be and I know he will still find me attractive, but the impact this decision is going to have on our finances.

panicmeme

Working in a very conservative profession (auditing, accounting, etc) means by transitioning I am very likely stepping down a huge amount. It is a white man’s world to begin with, then when you add in the fact I am transgender that will push me out of most jobs that are well paying.

We have a lot of debt left, which is almost entirely just student loans (cashing out from the DoD should basically pay all other debt). By leaving a job that pays 80k a year, I am hoping to find something that is 40k, but will probably have to settle a little lower (looks like online accounting jobs might work with the transition). That means 34k a year if I am fortunate (although I am not too proud to take minimum wage, that is the level of job I worked until my thirties when I graduated college late).

It isn’t that we need the money to live, we can absolutely live on husband’s wages (he makes less then me at the DoD by quite a bit, but we always budget to live on the smallest wage and use the rest to pay debts). Once all bills are paid we are left with a couple hundred a month (but my loans are in deferment/forbearance when this happens with me being unemployed) But I worry I am cursing him to a life of never getting the student loans paid off.

A lot of this is of course just anxiety about leaving a high paying job. The reality is the job is incredibly toxic, I don’t sleep much and I never feel good about my job (when we are allowed to do it) so there really isn’t a loss here except a higher income.

However I am in my late 40s and I really need to focus on being who I am these last few decades, I don’t think I can afford to “buckle down” for ten years and be close to 60 before I can transition, so I do think the timing is the best I am going to get at this point. 

Overall I know this is the right choice, but I feel incredibly selfish to be casting my husband into a position where our student loans are so high that we aren’t going to be able to get anywhere for a long time.

It went smoothly

It has been a few days since I posted about giving my notice and I just wanted to update that it went incredibly smooth.

The two supervisors I spoke to I was completely honest about transitioning, about the toxicity of the DoD and about my inability to be able to work there. Both of them were incredibly supportive about it. They had wondered if I had lost weight (As of now its 50+ pounds but I hold weight well so it doesn’t look that extreme) and I was awfully happy.

They are both giving me good references (I know they have already talked to one of my options giving me good reviews). I do think however they were understanding of my situation as they are both minorities. One an African American man and the other an Asian woman and they both confirmed the toxicity and discrimination against anyone minority that is becoming obvious in the rank and file civilian workforce.

It seems like everyone is taking the excuse of Trump in office to have no filters and to be as blatant about their racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, even non-Christians.

I am making sure to leave on the best foot possible. You never know if I will be in a pinch and need to work for the feds. I have worked long enough for them that I maintain the right to contact HR in any fed agency to see if they have a job opening that I qualify for. If they do I take preference over any competitive hires (and this is before the job even is announced to the public). I won’t be working there, but you never know if something changes.

I am nervous about this, a lot of changes and I will miss the money, I will miss a couple of the people, but I won’t miss the place. It went smoothly.

Stress Day… Freedom Day?

This morning is going to be big, I am giving my notice to the Department of Defense. I am probably committing career suicide with my changes. Transitioning even at its most successful will reduce my privilege by a lot, and if the transition isn’t as successful as I want then it will impact it even more.

That being said, I can’t work for the toxic Department of Defense. I listen to fellow auditors talk about “guys in dresses”, make fun of Caetlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning and just talk shit. I am fortunate, they have never talked shit about my husband who is FtM and they knew it, but “he was different then the rest” is how it feels coming from them.

My hubby got harassed a lot by certain members of management. They even sent out an email to there management saying that the hubby was “crazy because he had the lower surgery”. Hubby was brave, he filed a complaint and three weeks later the person in charge of the “investigation” said there was no proof it was harassment. The things that supervisor did would have gotten anyone fired anywhere (and it didn’t help that they were already under investigation for racist harassment of others).

That told me all I needed to know. I have been on hormones for a little over two months, and I can’t be here. If nothing else I need to stay sane, plus I am tired of participating in the production of weapon systems designed to kill others (usually in an unjust war on top of that). 

phobia

So the decision is good. I am going to have my soul reclaimed by doing this. However I will lose my seniority and probably not make that much money again. I am hoping I can earn half that with any jobs up coming (now there have been some frustrations on interviews as well, but that will be a different post).

We are moving to a cheaper apartment, and soon the husband will be the only one working. I am going to cash out my retirement and come close to paying off all our short term debt. If this occurs (the DoD/Fed government takes months to cash you out) it means he can support us, actually he can support us with only part of it paid off with my vacation payout.

I don’t mind being poor, but he is stressed, I am stressed and his car that we still make payments on but doesn’t have a warranty is having problems. I gotta figure something out. Maybe I can work from home if I can’t get hired on somewhere.

Well this is the start of my “Freedom Day”…. maybe? I will report back on how good or bad it went.

So much going on

I have been incredibly quiet, but not because I forgot to post here. There is a lot of things happening and to be honest I haven’t had the time.

Physically I am doing great. I feel so much better then I did before this process started. The hormones don’t seem to have any ill effect except the expected results of testosterone blockers (but nothing overall bad), just caught off guard, this will be a future post.

Bicalutamide
Bicalutamide an antiandrogen or testosterone blocker

I have lost more then 45lbs since March, and not from any specific diet, purely because I stopped eating junk food. I also think this ties into my mental state as well as I have way more energy.

Mentally the transition is also spectacular. I haven’t felt this good since I was a teenager. My depression symptoms have left and I feel better about everything. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of stress about quitting my job in three weeks and the fact I will at the minimum lose 30k a year for whatever job I do get (if I get one).

The job loss though I think is also contributing to this better feeling in its own way. The Department of Defense is incredibly toxic in general. The election of Trump and Pence has given informal permission to every bottom dwelling conservative who wants to discriminate a way to speak out about their hates.

I think leaving this job makes me feel better in general, and especially makes me feel better concerning the transition. There are a ton of other reasons I am glad to leave (pretty much everything but money) but that is the biggest one right now.

planhappiness

The other stressor is our move. We already have a place lined up, we should be ok financially to do the move, and if the hubby gets cashed out like he is supposed to it might even pay the car off. We even have it figured he can just break even supporting us both if I am unable to find a job.

It is a cheaper place, but with nice amenities, and close to the hubby’s work. I think it is a good place to start on our journey out of here both DoD wise, and Seattle wise.

There is a lot more going on, but that is enough for one post, will have to post about the other things separately.

Until then, take care.