Well I have been up since 5am. I had a job interview at 7am so I didnt bother to go back to sleep. I went to the interview with my back hurting like a dickens (limping along the 6 blocks to the mini-mart) I got there at 645am and they saw me immediately.
It looks like it might be a decent job. Its minimum wage with no pay increase and its 15-25 hours a week but they have a slack dress policy. You can wear T-shirts, have huge earrings and as long as your clothes are clean and not holey its all good. They also work around school schedules and were totally upfront in that they dont expect anyone to be “permanent” its a dead end job and everyone knows it. They should be getting back to me today or at latest tommorrow (either if I get it or I don’t).
My back has been hurting bad last two days. I think its partially the chair (its a good sturdy chair but isn’t very “supportive” of my back. Our computer desk is very high off the ground (high enough I cannot comfortably put my feet on the ground and I am 6’4″ tall). and there is nothing to rest my feet on. I may in the fall after Weylin moves out move my computer to a more normal “chair height”, my only problem is that the wife did such an awesome job of installing the counter top our computers are on that I feel bad moving it. Then again we have had that computer top for almost 3 years and I don’t think its bad to maybe want to change after that long. If wifey wants to keep the counter I could move the server there. Once again this isn’t a final decision but one I am thinking of so I can use normal office chairs instead of the “bar” height chairs.
Today I have to get Weylin to confirm if he is paying September rent or not. Either way its no biggie he is my friend and one of the best roommates we ever had so if he stays thats cool, it means we get a bit more money, if he leaves by September 1st thats good cuz it gives us the house to ourselves which is always good for a relationship. Either way is good but I always for some reason feel bad asking about that. I dont want him to feel pressured either way.
Gaming is going well, we are playing this Saturday some Shadowrun and I have to get everyone to commit to a Blood Bowl night. Not sure whats going on with Matt’s game but we will see.
Well thats about it for now, update some a little later.
Well this quarter has gone pretty well, I am doing good, except last couple of days we are covering matierial in math that isn’t in the book and I am having a hard time grasping, oh well this is the last week of no-book use so I probably will stumble on the test on friday but then I move on :).
My mother goes in for neck surgery tommorrow morning but I can’t be there because of the stupid math test, that really slots me off. I will rush over there after school and hopefully be there before she wakes up. The funny part is my dad just had that surgery two weeks ago and they both will be wandering around with huge neckbraces. I will probably take pictures of them and good naturedly make fun of them.
I totally forgot this upcoming weekend is Easter. Weylin may go down and visit his gf, Dunk can’t make it up this weekend and my little brother wont be able to come up because he is taking care of my parents. this means if Wey does head out I will probably cancel the game this weekend because it will be less then half the players available (also my wife may also not be able to play).
Damn I hate holidays, they screw up my gaming, I guess if I was religious this would be a big deal (especially since I grew up Catholic and Buddhist (at different times)). But personally I think all religions have it wrong, there is something out there, I believe in good, I believe in bad but I definately believe man made religions are a piece of crap. I dont see why a creator that supposedly is all good would require people to be subserviant to it. I figure the important thing is you leave good memories.
Wow I am tired and I dont know where that came from so I will move on, I am off to class, all of you have a good time….
Well, I have survived the first two classes today (I have/had a three hour dead time between second and third class). My first class is the next level of pre-calculus, moderately difficult although this time I decided to sit in the back (I haven’t sat in the back of any class in school since I was a senior in high school in ’89)
Damn I read that now and I realize I am older then most of these munchkins. My precalc class is taught by Katie Stables, she is really nice, but really strict and fast in her class presentations. SO far this is the only class I think will be hard.
Right after pre-calc I have my ever easy Anthropology 102 class (I needed filler so I could attain full time status, I dont have the pre-calc class under my belt I need to progress in my major, thats the precalc class I am taking now). The teacher seems easy going the class is large and it seems like it will be fun. ITs a very basic pre-history anthro class. We only have 3 tests in the entire class (each worth 100 pts, multiple choice with 50 questions) and a 6-8 page paper (which I could do in my sleep in a week of not so tense studying).
He said we could be creative with our paper and if we wanted to do a more hands on type of approach he would accept equivelant sized projects. We need 5 sources (hell the History 387 class I had last year required 12 sources and was 30 pages of content, plus intro page and bibliography) we can pick any anthro/archeological topic that deals with humans or human prehistory. We have to have one valid “anthropological source journal” after class I asked him if I could use “Scientific America” as my source journal (plus a few other lesser sources) he looked surprised at me, I have flaming blue hair right now and last night we bought the most badass buckle/laceup boots (pretty cool looking) and I was wearing my light “Revolutionary War era type jacket”. I think he was dumbfounded I even knew what “Scientific America” Magazine was (let alone we have an ongoing subscription to it, me and the wife.
Meanwhile the entire time an underclassmen girl (pretty cute) kept asking me questions and wanting to know if I ever partied. Even though she was cute she is definately not my type. I dont believe in going out with younger girls unless they are within a few months of me, otherwise they just dont do it for me on a relating level. Back to the point, the professor also said if I had as much content as a 6-8 page DOUBLE spaced (so about 3-4 real pages worth) on a website he would accept that as well. I will write up the paper and if I have time convert it to a website for the extra points. But thats it, one lame ass paper and 3 simple multiple choice questions is all we have for our grades. I am estimating a pretty good grade for myself out of this.
Now, my third class is a little more leery, its being taught by Professor Garfinkle who is a really nice guy and knows alot about ancient history. However its a 400 level History class on Ancient Imperialism (focusing on the Roman Empire) I am excited about it but I am sure its going to make me cry by the end of the quarter (I had to buy 5 primary source books on the subject of Rome, for those of you who dont know what that means is we are using 5 books that are used by Historians about Rome, its very dry and detailed reading, kinda scarey books actually). The cool thing is Garfinkle in the last class I had with him was anything but boring so this should be ok. Damn gotta go to his class in 40 minutes, at least I have one super easy class.
Yes I know everyone asks me why did I pick a 400 level history class about Rome’s imperialism when I could have just picked a 100 level geography class. Its because I love to learn about ancient societies and this level of class is about as close as to learning about Rome as you can. Besides the more I learn about ancient societies the more I can flush out the histories for Dying Light.
As a side note I am beginning to coalesce an ASP database driven site that will allow people to update/make characters, search for anything in the histories and monster manual and basically make the Dying Light website about as interactive as you can ever get, yes the DL website is down currently but when I get closer to getting done I will put it back up).
This is what we wanted to do with Legacies when we owned it, but at that time I didn’t understand the coding it takes to do it. Hopefully if we start dying light in a year or so I will have the database fully interactive and it will reduce logistics down to a 1 man job that will take less then an hour 🙂
Sorry that was a side rant and I am being a post whore today so I will end my entry with giving you the knowledge that I am sooo exhausted because someone next to me in bed decided to use my armpit/chest side as a receptacle for thier fist. I think I am getting a bruise, we all know who to blame for that right?
Ok, I have had about my last dream of being poor (dreamed all night that we were living under a bridge, lol this probably has something to do with the wife’s rant). I am tired of not being able to buy my wife decent things. I am tired of not supplying her with the stuff she needs to sew. I am tired of looking in the fridge and wondering what the hell are we going to eat now and in general I am frigging tired of no money.
This may seem random but for almost two years now I have been a student, lived on loans and been poor as shit. I am tired of the fact that we don’t have a car because we are too poor (dont get me wrong, going to school we have found we don’t need the car and we get along well without it, but I am tired as hell of being stuck in a house on Sundays and anytime after 6pm).
I am tired of finals, I am tired of 18 year olds that I have to listen to who tell me how they have seen life. they haven’t seen shit. I am tired of teachers that dont give a damn, dont help thier students and in general are just fucked up. Add New
I am tired of having to save up so once a month me and wifey can go to Denny’s. I am tired of not being able to repair my computer. I am tired of my teeth fucking falling apart and I don’t have the money to do anything about it. I am tired of everyone telling me “you only have two more years, (ya right, its closer to 3). I am tired of in-laws that are freaked out at me, I am tired of sisters that only call me up to use me. I am tired of friends who end up owing me money and weeks later still cant finish paying me.
Funny thing is I have gotten my forth notice from the military trying to get my interest (lol I would figure they dont want a 31 year old, chunky out of shape guy, but I guess they get desperate). I have seriously considered this. I am sure the spousal unit doesn’t think I take it serious (I have) but right now I am sooo tired of not having a steady paycheck, I am soo tired of cranking out 12,000 of debt every year and I am sooo tired of not being able to afford shit.
I am seriously considering at this moment of going down to part time (6 credits a quarter – so I dont have to start paying back loans and I can continue my education at a slower pace) and going to work full time so we dont have to borrow any more money from the government and so we can afford to go out to eat, buy things we want and have some enjoyment. I am too damn old for this shit to be this poor and not try and fix it.
I am also damn tired of everyone telling me to not stress, by far this fucking pisses me off the most. They dont have to live in my mind or my situation, most of these people can always go back to mommy and daddy, yet for some perverse reasons the gods have decided to have me born into a family that i have to support. Unlike every fricken one else that i know.
They all have parents they can borrow from or at the very least the parents are able to take care of themselves. Me, I am born into a family where I have to support my fricken parents because years of drug and alcohol abuse have fucked them up, their bodies and their minds. I mean don’t get me wrong I love them and thats why I try and support them when I can (and when I make enough money to buy land I will move them on to it) because I do believe in taking care of them, but I get soo damn tired of everyone else just patting me on the back and saying they understand. No they don’t, lying pieces of shit.
I am friggen tired of being poor, at this exact moment I am not sure what I am going to do, but I need to alleviate our money problems.
Sorry, I am going to stop now because now I am just winding up tighter and getting angrier and its not something you guys deserve.
It was afternoon, I think it was Bellingham but its hard to be sure. The wife and I walked into this small shop that contained a lot of alternate lifestyle (eg, punk not gay) items. They had a lot of books, rings, whips, etc just about anything I could think of. The people that ran the shop were a couple. A super skinny alternative looking boy and his girlfriend who was also super tiny.
They both were mostly unclothed, barely had enough clothing on to be allowable in public, but I didnt mind to much. We wandered around the store, there were some cool things but nothing outstanding. Of course the guy was long winded and had the “I am so cool” attitude and was dismissive towards me, focusing all his energies on the wife (this should have been a warning sign to me, but all I felt in the dream was an annoyance at him, the way he acted to me is very similar to the way most of the people Doug and Jay hung out with acted towards me).
Meanwhile the cute punk girl was jabbering to me about things, I really wasn’t going to buy us anything because we were broke but I looked up and the wife was picking up things she liked so I was going through my wallet, its rare when the wife wants to actually buy something so I generally like buying it.
She brought over a large stack of stuff to the guy behind the counter, meanwhile the girl was jabbering to me quietly about different books, etc. I was leafing through a book when out of the corner of my eye I see The wife pull the boy’s pants down and start giving him a blowjob. I looked up confused for a moment, the punk girl was right next to me and mostly naked now, I got the impression at that exact moment that I could have sex with her if I wanted and nothing seemed untoward about the situation.
All of a sudden the I got the same exact gut wrenching feeling of rage that I haven’t felt in a long while, the urge to cave the punk boy’s head in .
The rage hit me so hard I immediately woke up incredibly angry and hurt. I still am feeling the same angry buzz I felt that night. I just don’t know why I am so upset.
I will stop now, I have no idea what I am doing or saying and Weylin just woke up and is roaming around so its not a thing I wish to dwell on. It was just a gut wrenching dream and I felt I needed to start a dream journal to maybe work through some of the fears/feelings I get from the dreams.
This morning I woke up feeling like shit physically, mentally and emotionally. I probably will call the boys in a little bit and cancel hanging out. I think I got a cold, combine that with the shit my sister pulled and the stress I am feeling about my dad being in jail all in all makes me a nasty guy at the moment.
I hate the world and I am just hoping someone gives me lip so I can beat them into the ground (ok I wont, and I know thats a bad thing, but thats the crappy mood I am in).
I am a little stressed about our car situation, its not for me or the wife, we both do fine without a car, its my mom, she has some major surgical stuff coming up and my dumbass meth-head sister is never reliable to her or my dad. I get worried on how she will get places. I probably wont try and get the car fixed, its just something I am a little fixated on and worried about.
I have thought about it and I have to put my tattoo off til at least March (unless I get a job before then, then I can spend money on Tats). I do have the money in my pocket for the outlining of it, but I dont feel I can contribute that money for it. The wife’s back is hurting and she is saving up for a mattress that will help, and honestly as far as priorities go she is my ultimate number one priority, I would drop anything in my life for her needs and would kill someone for her if it was needed (and there are people out there rolling their eyes about that, lol its funny because its true).
I lucked out when I found someone to be so devoted to that she doesn’t take advantage of it. She needs a good mattress and her feeling better physically means she is happier which in the end makes me happier.
I am also slightly frustrated with my clan, dont get me wrong I have a reliable core (Yog, Astarte, Deep One, Tsathoggua, Nng and a couple of others) but the rest only bitch about wanting admin access and how they try to split hairs on the requirements for the clan. I have the strongest urge to go through and fire 50% of the clan just to par it down, but I wont. I feel I need to do it right and give them every opportunity to show me they want to be in it for any other reason then admin access on the public server.
If finances are poor next quarter they will be surprised when I reduce the server to a 12 man private server for matches only, Some would say but “Lilith is already paying for a 12 man private server” but if I reduced it down I would have her stop paying as I think its my responsibility to provide the server and no sense in having two private servers unless we branched out into DoD (which I wouldnt mind). On a good note practices have been extremely good, a large turnout and people seem excited about the upcoming competitions. I think Nng is right, I am too nice sometimes, maybe I will cut that back.
As for the rest of my personal life in this crappy mood I am in consists mostly of C++ projects and ASP.Net projects (which when I learn ASP will rock, because then I can program a database for Dying Light that is self updating and completely set up so anyone can access thier characters on the internet, buy thier own skills and print out thier own tags before game. Thus reducing Logistics to new players and me maintaining the database and ensuring no errors occur. WOOOT totally automated and accurate logistics I can not even imagine that.
Well Crappiness is still with me, better contact the boys.
Well, its Saturday afternoon and I am exhausted.
Its been a long week for me. I found out December 30th that my dad got busted for old DUI warrants from 4 1/2 years ago and now he is in jail. On top of this the next day he went before the one judge in all of the county that hates his guts (the judge specifically reversed the order of the cases so my dad would go last, even the Bailiff was a little weirded out about how the judge did that).
The rub of this is that this was also the last day this judge would be around, he was retiring starting the next day. Not only did he slap 1.5 times the normal bail, he then turned around, doubled it again and told the court that my father could not use a bail bond for his bail, he would have to post with cash only.
Now even with all these hiked up numbers it comes to only $7,000 but no one in my family has that kind of money so my dad sits in jail. I got to visit him today, actually he was much better looking then he has for awhile. They don’t allow smoking or drinking in jail so my dad is starting to feel better (he has emphysema but keeps smoking like a chimney). He looks healthier and he has a lot of his old energy. I am pretty sure that in the end this is the best thing that could have happened to him because it gets his past behind him and now he will deal with the results and move on.
It was a pain in the butt to go visit though, I hate jails (when I was a kid he got in a lot of fights and was in jail a good amount of the time) and of course this brought back all the old memories. I have been in a black mood all day and probably mostly due to this experience (anticipating the trip to visit my father in jail). Well its over now, I feel remarkably better, he seemed happier if you could believe it.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad is an awesome guy, he just likes his alcohol alot (probably the biggest reason I dont drink, alcoholism runs in the family pretty badly). He is pretty intent on quitting drinking and smoking (which may sound like something anyone would say when in this situation but he normally will not admit to quitting anything longer then “a few weeks” this is the first time in a long long time he has told me he intends on quitting permanently).
So on the way home I used some saved up money, bought two steaks, some salad makings and some mushrooms to use with the steak and I plan on cooking the wife some dinner later tonight, too exhausted to do it right now. Maybe I will go play some CS.
I am getting heavy eyelid syndrome so I will sign off now, everyone have a good day.
Well here I am, its Thanksgiving. Our car is broken we are broke and in general its not a lot of fun right now. I found out that at this point in the quarter I am getting a solid A in my CS202 class but that I am barely (I mean by the skin of my teeth) getting a C in Chemistry. Its absolutely the worst grade I have ever recieved since I was in High School. I think the most frustrating part is I have completed 76% of the points in Chem (giving it a solid C) yet my professor’s curve has me at a 70.0% I realize that is only 6% less but the final is coming up and I am feeling very shaky on the subject matter.
Honestly its my fault. I love my Autistic nephew Noah and when I volunteered to be one of his ABA therapists in August I figured it was only a few hours a week commitment. It would have only been a few hours a week commitment if I didnt start trying to help them with everything. The Head Therapist they have is a joke and she was just sucking money out of my sister-inlaw and my mother and father in-laws.
So I spent 3 months stressing and trying to coerce her into actually working and doing things that are actually helping Noah. After 3 months of stress in October I had to quit. It was taking too much of a toll on my personal life and school. The end result is I had put so much emotional energy and time into it that my grades were suffering horribly. I had to drop my Math class and I was close to failing my Chem class as well. I have slowly gotten up to the C but I am worried that if I blow the final it will drop me back down.
Wierd thing is CS (Computer Science classes for those that dont know what CS means) have always been easy and I am fortunate I had Professor Granier teaching the class. That is probably enough whining about school right now. I dont want to worry about losing financial aid for not completing more then 6 credits with a C or higher so I will have to force myself to pass the finals.
I by no means wish to run all over town to different houses for Thanksgiving (we usually have to do this for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, visit both sets of parents). Its weird, my parents are ok with us only seeing them one holiday or at least the day before or after. They understand that the dates we celebrate family themselves are unimportant.
The spousal unit’s family was a little different up til this year. She would get calls and harassed to show up, lots of guilt trips. This year amazingly enough there has been no pressure from either side about Thanksgiving. Sad part is I miss the Turkey and Pie (well probably the pie and sweet potatoes more then the turkey). Hmm maybe I should go make some chocolate chip cookies. I love baking, maybe when we get our student loan in January I will get a Baking cookbook.
Well, here it is early monday morning. My little brother stayed over last night and slept on the couch (ok little is a misnomer, he is 9 years younger then me – but that still makes him 22- and he is only slightly shorter then me and his shoulders are half again wider, lol the word little is so cute for him).
Yesterday we went to amtguard, that was a lot of fun except now my ankle and knee hurts like a bitch. Weirdly enough they hurt more today then they did yesterday, I really hope I didn’t screw it up again. If it continues to hurt (the ankle specifically) I will need to go back into the doctors. The problem being is my left ankle has an unresolved fracture from when I was 14, basically that means that when I broke one of my ankle bones when I was 14, it never healed. I am glad I found out about my ankle because I always felt like such a wuss when I would go jogging or fall on it or whatever and it would just hurt.
Also I am feeling much less stressed now with my school changes, I got a lot of emails from my clan members about renewing MU and I think will do that. I dont have the money to support the server but several members have volunteered to help and if they are willing to put in that much commitment I am willing to helm the massive ship known as Miskatonic University (name of our clan for CS).
I think I wont invite anyone over today, I think I have been neglecting my little wifey-poo, maybe I will just make it a me and her day because we know everyone will be over for buffy tommorrow.
On a happier note, I have been able to spend a lot more time with my little brother, he tends to be the only other one in my family who doesn’t get sucked into wierd “drug” deals/alcholism etc, and me and the wife are really trying to provide as much other entertainment for him so he doesnt follow the path of my parents and sister. Its wierd as I was growing up my friends thought I had the coolest parents because they partied (basically my family are all bikers), dont get me wrong I do think they were great parents but the aspect my friends liked was the one aspect I hated. LOL its funny now but it wasn’t back then.
Well I better get ready for school, talk later.
Update note: I refer to my wife, that is indeed the same person that is currently my husband.
I have been having nightmares for the past 4 days in a row and even though they are different they feel like they are getting worse. Normally I would tell the wife unit but she has been freaked out by her parents and sister and I haven’t felt I had the right to burden her. So what am I going to do? Yes I am going to burden all of you by making you hear about my nightmare from last night.
First I should give you some background. I occasionally will have streaks of nightmares. I haven’t had a horrible streak of nightmares in a few years but when I was younger I would have long streaks of wake up screaming nightmares. Usually it starts as fall approaches and I just noticed its fall again. Hmm coincidence? I think not.
Some other background info, when I was young (in high school) I got picked on by the jocks. The funny thing is I used to be a football player for neighborhood leagues but I got tired of the competition so I gave it up and my family moved up to B’ham. So while I went to high school in B’ham I had long hair and ratty clothes.
For the first few days I got picked on mercilessly, I think this is because the jocks knew I had not made any friends yet so there was no “clique” that would protect me. I tolerated the picking on for a while but I felt more and more trapped and one morning in jock hall (I had to walk down jock hall to go to my Drama class) they started taunting me again. Honestly what happened next was kind of a blur but I found myself picking out the biggest football player and like a screaming banshee I grabbed him threw him against a locker, kneed him several times and began pounding his face screaming I was going to bury him and the rest of the football team in the back field.
Now most of you who know me in real life must realize at the time I was 6 inches shorter and about 100lbs lighter (about 5’10 150 lbs or so). When I recovered from my temporary freak out the jocks had moved about 10 feet away from me and the burly guy I was holding was crying. I released him and walked away.
The weird thing is the principle was not informed by the jocks and they gave me a wide birth for the rest of my high school experience (I even became friends with a couple of the cooler jocks). Although to this day people who taunt me just piss me off, probably a holdover from this time period. Well I think that is enough of a background of what I think is relevant issues (well there are others but I don’t want to go into them, they are too personal to wish to post). Well here it is, the dream that freaked me out.
The wife had super short hair again (for some reason that’s my favorite) and was wearing some of her clothes that enhance what she looks like (e.g. short and leathery). We were both going to UW in Seattle and it appeared that we were both in some sort of lecture hall with low lighting. I was listening to the professor when I looked over and this girl was glaring at me for some unknown reason. I became very uncomfortable when I noticed three different guys glaring at me. They all had the “I am a jock but trying to look alternative” appearance and they began throwing shit at me and threatening me, this of course reminded me of high school and I felt a freak out coming.
Eventually the class ended with me having a small frenzy, I grabbed one of their desks flipped it over and explained in a very low voice to his ear that I would kill him if he didn’t leave me and mine alone. Well the three of them (with the girl) left the room and I had this feeling the shit was going to hit the fan so I caught up to my spouse outside the room. I found that she was talking and laughing with those three boys and yes I admit I am a jealous person but I didn’t feel it was my right to stop her from talking to people. They wrote their phone numbers on her arm and left.
I had this feeling I was going to have to fight all three of them at a time, I wasn’t scared of fighting them but I was worried about going to jail for giving the three of them a beat down. I got an extendable nightstick and hung it off my belt (you never know when they might jump you). Then spousal unit and I went outside and found ourselves in downtown Seattle. We wondered up a small street and sitting on a ledge by the street we saw our friend Kailey.
We sat down and talked, and the spouse told me she forgot something and she would be right back. Well I sat with Kailey talking and horsing around when after awhile I noticed she had not come back and I was becoming increasingly worried that something might have happened to her. Eventually I told Kailey I would be back later, got up and headed back into the school. Weirdly enough I found both my brother and my mother in the school but both claimed to not have seen her (and even in my dream state I thought it was weird to see both of them there).
I wandered through school until I noticed a line of boys at a doorway. Someone was taking money from them. There was the biggest pit in my stomach as I noticed that the guy taking money was the redhead of the three guys I got into the yelling match with. Part of me did not want to know and walk away. I knew what was going on, I could feel it in my gut. I whipped out my nightstick and hit the first jock so hard I heard a soft cracking sound and he dropped like a stone. I stepped in and saw the other two giggling and going over a pile of money. To my left I saw movement on a table (all I could make out where handcuffs and writhing on the table) and for some reason in my dream I knew what was happening but I couldn’t force my dream self to look.
I stepped forward and in a short time I dropped the other two jocks pretty quickly, the sounds of it reminded me of when I was 16 and did drop a jock with a baseball bat after he hit me with it first. I turned around and for a brief second I saw the spousal unit and this boy silhouetted, she was staring at me and I woke up (my gut felt on fire, I think my ulcers might be coming back) and the reason I woke up is because she was angry at me and I was unable to determine whether it was because I interrupted her and something she wanted to do or because I was late in rescuing her.
This dream freaked me out this morning so badly I had to get up and puke in our main bathroom. I realize by reading this, someone who was not me may not understand why its so horrific and it freaked me out so bad but I felt I needed to write it down and tell others and maybe I can prevent my dreams continuing on a downward spiral.