Posted in Dreams Internal Thoughts

Unsettling Dreams

Well, I woke up this morning, my back hurts almost as bad as the first day, wonder whats up with it. That however is probably because of the dreams I had all night. I should have gotten up when I had them and wrote them down but I tried to go back to sleep and because of that I was unable to remember it all now (lol I have a short memory span anyways and trying to sleep makes it that much shorter).

It was weird, I dreamt about my grandmother and grandfather on my dad’s side. When I was growing up I was pretty close to both of them, they usually lived in same apartment complex as my parents (and in the last complex they lived next door). They used to spoil me rotten and unfortunately they didn’t treat my brother and sister the same. They would buy me all kinds of candy, pop, toys and I would stay at their house a lot. I remember sitting on their couch and watching John Wayne movies (what I didn’t find out til I was older was that because I was such a hyper active kid they would then turn around and feed me valium in the food to calm me down, boy was my dad pissed about that).

Its weird though, my grandmother died in 1983, when I was only 12. I remember when I heard she died, I was watching Jaws on TV. She had gone to the hospital many times so as a child I thought that was normal. I remember my dad coming over (I was at her and grandpa’s apt) and he told me, even to this day sometimes its hard for me to watch Jaws, lol bet that sounds weird, but I guess its those kind of memory cues that stick with you from being a kid.

After that I guess I was in partial denial, I feel bad because I treated my grandpa badly and was a total brat. eventually he came to live with us and for some reason I just avoided him (I found out later my dad absolutely hates him, he isn’t my dad’s real dad, rather he was a step dad and there were some abuse issues, but grandpa always bought me what I wanted and did whatever I asked him to). Finally my grandfather got moved to a nursing home here in Bellingham when we moved up. It was sad, he called me one day and asked if I would come over, I said sure but being 15 I was easily distracted and forgot to go. He died that night.

Its weird, to this day I feel very guilty about that, that has always bothered me that I never got to say goodbye and yet I had the chance to do it. Thinking back in hindsight I realize now I was scared of the nursing home and of seeing him in it but I still don’t think thats an excuse. ahh the wonders of Catholic guilt. Its amazing I haven’t been a practicing catholic for years and yet I still feel that guilt, ok thats a different rant I think.

Back to the dream. I dreamt I was in their old apartment and both of them were alive, but it was like being in a movie, I could see them, feel them but I couldn’t hear them. I could hear everything else, the tv, outside the birds but they would open their mouths and no sound would come out. This really bothered me for some reason and I woke up. As I laid in bed I realized something that bothers me even now. I can’t remember what their voices sounded like. It probably sounds weird and wussy but that really bothers me, I don’t want to forget them but I was pretty young when my grandmother died, and I didn’t see my grandfather much after her death, and when I did I treated him badly. I don’t want to forget their voices. Sometimes its hard to remember what my grandmother looked like but if I think about it I remember. I guess I will stop now, I am bothered enough by this I don’t think I can write about it anymore.

Well I am off for my Visual Basic midterm, cya all later.

Posted in General Update Internal Thoughts

Tuesday

Well here I am again, yesterday was so damn hot I couldn’t even do a posting. I basically went to class, studied, came home and played a little CS, a little Madden and studied a bit. I have a midterm today in 4 hours in my Roman Lit. class. I am pretty anxious by it and I should at this exact moment be studying but I can’t seem to do it. I will probably post this and then watch a buffy rerun on tv (its an episode for a season me and goat don’t own) and then at 9 I will start studying (that will give me 2 hours before test).

I don’t feel sore at all after sparring Sunday except for my ankle, lol guess maybe I shouldn’t spar on a fractured ankle but if thats all that aches I am surprised. I am pretty happy I get to quit the job at Papa Murphy’s. Don’t get me wrong I like the District Manager alot, Mike is a great guy but the actual store manager Troy is an absolute moron and can’t even call me by my real name, he keeps calling me Laughy and all it was doing was pissing me off.

On a good note I am awfully excited about Dying Light. We made up practice characters and I think the system will work well. The other thing that is great is the fact that a starting character is not useless nor does a person ever get so high a level that they plateau on ever gaining skills. I think we are all pretty excited.

I am also feeling much better about running games. Normally for my group I am the GM/DM but last year or so its been hard for me to run things. This happens sometimes, I know its not that I don’t want to, its just usually stress in the rest of my life that prevents me from doing things like that. I am pretty psyched about D&D, although I think I am going to lay down the law about arguing with the GM. I am tired of the arguing and if people can’t hack my decisions they need to find another GM.

Also we are starting to play Heavy Gear, we are starting with just the table top miniature game to make sure we like it but if that works out I will be starting a Sunday game (D&D is currently our Saturday game). I feel bad, I normally run solo games for Jello but last few months have not been good for my stress. I freak out about money. However I am feeling much better, now I just hope that I can get into the groove of his current character so I can start playing it, the only problem when I get to stressed to play is if its too long a time I sometimes lose the ability to keep that campaign going and need him to start something new.

Ahh stress, money is my number one thing I stress about. Legacies really crushed all our reserves, made us declare bankruptcy and pretty much caused my life a tremendous amount of stress. I think the most upsetting thing about it is the shit people said behind our back. I especially think its funny that all the people that were incredibly nice to us as owners and always talked to us have pretty much never contacted us since we gave it up. Max I want to thank you for attempting to warn me and Jello of that, we figured you were exaggerating, surely people would not be so two faced because of a game. You warned us and you were right. Oh well I think we are going to adopt the Acts of Gord (at http://www.actsofgord.com) type of management for Dying Light. I think the funny thing is the shit people still say behind our back. But we decided this time around to take a different perspective, Gord definately has the right idea.

Well I should stop bitching and move on, I am really glad that some of the legacies people did stay in contact and I like them, the ones that are two faced can kiss my ass and are not important to me anyways.

On a good note our MU Clan server was full most of yesterday, we have been working on getting it filled and it now is starting to. WOOOT. Well its getting close to time for breakfast and then studying. I might post when I get home tonight. Cya all.