Dream from Last Night, Bedtime Prayer

Well I had a rather bizarre dream that involved me sitting at a restaurant, I came out to find someone had plowed into the back of my pickup (the rusty blue GMC we currently own) and they had totaled thier car and my car, funny enough I wasn’t really angry, just sort of like “damn”.

then I woke up remembering when I lived with my parents at 12 pines apartments when I was about 3 or so years old. I remembered an old prayer my parents taught me.

 Now I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray the lord my soul to keep,
 If I die before I wake,
 I pray the lord my soul to take,
 Keep Dum Dum, Louis, Tweety,
 Mommy and Daddy,
 Granny and Grandpa,
 Grandma and Grandpa,
 Linny and Wally
 and Lucky Safe.

I know I had to be age 3 because by age four I had a sister (who is not in the prayer and I guarantee my parents made me put her name in), my uncle Louis (whom my middle name is based on) died in a construction accident and about age four is when Linny and Wally disappeared (they were my god parents, Linny was an American and Wally was a golden glove boxer from Aussie) and dum dum and tweety both parakeets were gone by age 5.

I am not sure why I am even posting this, its wierd, memories from back then almost dont seem real, I worry they are figments of my imagination but my parents agree thats what happened and I am remembering pretty well.

still not sure why I am posting this, just something I woke up thinking about.

Fucked up religious right wing republicans

This morning (after having woke up at 415am) I was watching tv. A scene for the 700 Club came on and Pat Robertson was talking about President Bush helping America. It then dawned on me how fucked up that was. Nobody who claims to be christian should be supporting this war. I believe distinctly the bible says “Thou shalt not kill” it doesn’t say “Thou shalt not kill unless its an arab or a terrorist”.

Also thinking back to the new testament. It is my firm belief that Jesus would be horrified that anyone who claims to follow god or his teachings would go and kill someone, let alone to another country to do it. I believe he said “turn the other cheek” (and he didn’t mean only once). He even died rather then fight back. Yet hardcore christians support the “War on Terror”, hypocritical bastards are going to burn in their own hell.

Sorry, was just overwhelmed with disgust with our conservative “christian” brigade. Claim to follow jesus and the bible yet wage war (no matter the reason, Jesus didn’t say it was ok to kill a bunch of arabs if the twin towers got destroyed).

Weirdly enough, the only public leader (not Mother Teresa) who has ever abided by Jesus’s code wasn’t even a Christian. Rather that person was a Hindu (Ghandi for those of you who don’t realize who I am talking about). I think its damn funny that a Hindu man (great man at that) is more “Christian” then any Christian I know who supports this damn “war on terror”.

Man, Pat Robertson and all of you “Christians” out there supporting the war are fucked up. I would suggest you all go read the bible again or at least don’t claim to follow Jesus.

Changes

I woke up this morning and something was different. Honestly I couldn’t tell you when it was different or exactly why it happened but things are different. I woke up this morning and the name Catholic Sin didn’t quit fit anymore in my head. I mean its fine for my livejournal name, but I was looking at my website http://www.catholicsin.com and the domain name just didn’t seem fitting.

I don’t know specifically what is different, just that blasphemy doesn’t quite seem to fit me anymore. I am happily married to a beautiful girl (and have been so for over a decade, 11 years to be precise). I own a mobile home, now sure its cheap trailer trash but we have upgraded it and we own it outright, no payments. Sure we pay lot space but thats by far way cheaper then renting. I am college educated and will be returning there as soon as possible (or at least entering nursing school). My parents are no longer raging drunks, they have been sober 16 months and I am starting to worry about them less. I am surrounded physically or at least net wise by many friends, some of which that date back over 15 years.

The only negative in my life is 42K in student loans, but thats easily taken care of too. I just dont feel that aggressive, angry, defensive feeling anymore. Now this doesn’t mean I am going to grow up and grow old, not at all. I am still gaming (love it) I still like kinky sex/porn, I am still a raging liberal with the love for guns and other things conservative that seem to surprise people. When I go back to school next winter I will still probably dye my hair blue. But I think all of those things are me, I am no longer angry at the church really. I don’t think I could ever go back to a Christian church with all the hypocrisy (and no matter how much I hate the Catholic Church, they would be the only christian church I go to). I still have problems with god/christianity/superior feeling that many seem to have (I believe the Hindu’s have it right, there are many paths).

Honestly as I delve further into this post I am not even really sure what to say about things. Just that the name “catholic sin” isn’t quit as appealing as it was 5 years ago. I think I am happy with my own name “Lucky” (yes my real name). I think I may eventually change catholicsin.com over to something closer to what I am now, we will see.

In the end, I have no idea what the post is about, just some mental ramblings that had to come out in text. Thanks for listening.

Opinion: Prisoner Abuse Scandal

I was thinking about the acts committed during the Iraqi prisoner scandal. I find what was done horrendous, terrible and just plain wicked. I have heard some people complain that it isn’t that bad, but it would be the equivelant of making hard core christians do things that would make them burn in hell (sexual things, blasphemy, etc) and either way its a horrible thing.

I was also thinking there wouldnt even be a hesitation with anyone if we found out an American prison, full of american prisoners were treated in an equally foul manner. We would not only demand release of those prisoners, plus punishment of the guards, we would demand extradition of those guards to have them stand trial here for crimes committed against our people.

You may be asking what I am getting too, here it is.

I am for not only releasing the guards from thier military service with dishonorable discharge, but I would also consider the possibility of handing them over to the Iraqi government (once its solidified) and let them try them for crimes against thier own people.

Now, I know I am going to get flack, but honestly, we would expect anyone that violated our people’s rights to be extradited here and face trial, why wouldn’t we do that for other countries?

Oh, and don’t fool yourself, you all know if that did happen to our citizens, everyone would clamor for the people at fault to be shipped over here and tried.

Opinion: Tired of the “Freedom in Iraq” Rhetoric

I think I have had enough “arm chair” soldiers talk how we are giving freedom to the Iraqi people. In fact we are invading them and occupying them. Many of my friends who do believe in the war claim that terrorists are now attacking our troops. I hate to break it to you but I would consider them Iraqi Freedom Fighters.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I want a single one of our troops to die, I also do believe that the soldiers over there need to do whatever they can to maintain thier own lives, and unfortunately that means killing Iraqis.

However, for us to invade another country is not moral. Especially since President Bush forced the issue of WMD and Terrorism when in fact Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction (evidently Blix was right) and no affiliations with Al-Queda. In fact it has been shown that since day one of his office (before 9-11) Bush has had his eyes on Iraq. I realize there is a lot of oil, and he is probably wishing to finish what his daddy started but he was wrong in what he did.

In 1936 Hitler claimed he was “pre-emptively” striking and reclaiming lost lands, actually if you read history much of Hitler’s reasons for taking over Austria and the rest of the little countries before Poland was the exact same reason that Bush gave.

We did not have the right to invade another country “pre-emptively” especially when the U.N. told us it was wrong. We are not infallible and we are just swinging our big dick around telling the world we will do whatever we want. We sound like a bully.

I have detoured off my original rant so I will go back to it.

How can we expect Iraqis to accept us with military and governmental control. Supposedly we came to give them freedom but the new government on June 30th is not allowed to make laws, and not allowed to do many other things. Exactly how is that giving control back to the Iraqis. 

We have an army that consists mostly of 135,000 Western, White and Christian in a Muslim world. Exactly how well would we handle if China came over here with 1.35 million troops (thats exactly the same ratio of troops to us that we have to Iraqis, they only have 10% of our population), what if they invaded us took over and said for our own “good” we would have to listen to them. We are not U.N. backed, we have no rights to be over there and we are being a big old bully.

I love my country, but I hate the weird “fervor” that has brewed, I wish some people would read more history, we are so very close to Berlin 1936 its not even funny. I do know if Bush wins, when I get out of school I may very well decide to find a foriegn place to live til America gets its head out of its ass.

Oh, by the way, I plan on becoming president in 2024. I have just purchased http://www.voteforlucky.com but it wont be valid until its registered by NIC (up to 3 days). I figure I can start my political career by slowly building up a site on why I should be president 🙂

*note from 9/2018 who would have thought this could be a serious thing, after all we voted Trump into office…

DDDDDREAMS!!!

I had a rather strange dream last night. I dreamt I went to see a movie by myself. I paid the teller for the movie with a$10.00 bill and the teller only gave me a ticket back (the movie cost $7.00). When I got out of the movie, the wife met up with me and I decided to go see another movie. I went up to this pretty asian girl and asked if I could get a ticket for a different movie. She asked which movie and I told her to pick one for me. I then explained that I didn’t get all my change back and instead could I just get the second ticket. After looking through her til she said sure.

While waiting for the movie me and the wife went into the bathroom (she was waiting for me) and while I was peeing this drunk hick looking guy came walking in. He was mumbling to himself and holding a ratty piece of paper. He looked up and me and proclaimed my name loudly and asked me how I had been. I smiled at him and told him fine, I thought I recognized him from middle school. If my memory serves me correct he was supposed to be the grown up version of a friend named Corey McCarter.

I  asked him how he was doing, he replied life sucked. I asked about his kids (for some reason I thought he had kids right out of high school). He replied that none of them were his (this is all still in the bathroom). I told him I was sorry and he started waving around the piece of paper saying its one of my songs/poems I wrote back then.

Everything kinda blurred out and I am not sure what happened except that W was asking about the song/poem. I looked down (I was now holding the piece of paper) it looked like some sort of creative writing homework. It wasn’t very good and I didn’t know why he liked it so much and was singing/quoting it drunkenly.

I then woke up wondering how my old Friends Corey McCarter, Robert White (my closest male friend growing up) and Veronica Welch (my best friend/tomboy/first crush) were doing. I haven’t seen Corey or Robert since I was 14 and I got in trouble for playing D&D with them (then we moved to Lake Stevens and then Cali then up here). Veronica (whom I had always called Ronnie) I did see once when I was in Everett at age 16-17. She grew up from being a skinny tomboy to being a damn attractive girl.

I wonder how they are all doing.

More Weird Dreams

Well I was awoken at 430am by some bizarre dreams. In the dreams I was on the bus with Sage much like when we go to school. Some asshole college students gave her a hard time. I got up, walked over and punched one of them until they couldn’t move. I then proceeded to get off the bus with my wife. I know that some other point I had to do the same thing to another person (I broke one of thier fingers for  pointing at her).

Bizarre, huh?

Yesterday went real well. Our GURPS game is getting smaller and smaller (we lost possibly two players this week, depends on what was going on and why they no showed). Maybe I need to find players who like GURPS and who can make Sundays and are interested in a Space based exploration/piracy/etc game (hint hint, nudge nudge).

The universe is just coming together now (its similar to Traveller, we are using several Traveller supplements, but its not quite exact). I am having a blast running the game and things are starting to pick up in stride. Thier first combat since the game began 4 weeks ago happened Sunday. It was a minor combat (I am intentionally keeping combat to a minimum until we get a handle on the new system).

I was flattered yesterday, like most Sundays before game starts we go to the Denny’s bar (its Sunday so every restaurant is packed, except bars). The older waitress who is always there and is damn cool was talking to us. I complained about “college” kids and she laughed at me. She said something along the lines of “your not very old, what your 25 or so right?” she was surprised when I told her me and the wife were both 32. I really do think part of what makes a person look older is moving into a “adult lifestyle”. Some people have kids so no matter what at least part of your life because adult because the children must come first, but I have met some parents that are good parents but still seem like they are 10-15 years younger then they are. I really think youth is a mental thing.

Sean (who was with us this Sunday) birthday was last week. He turned a ripe old age of 22. I was chatting with him and he said he didn’t want to get any older and that 22 was a good age. Funny as I think about it I dont think I would want to be under 25 now (and honestly I am damn happy at 32, my only worry is slowly we lose friends who are our age because they decide to “grow up”).

On another note, we have a truck now, and a word popped up that hasn’t popped up for quite a while. That word was “Legacies”. The word came up because several of the people I feel obligated to hospitalize no longer attend. Also maybe I am just growing up, or maybe enough time has passed that my anger has cooled down a lot.

Nothing definate about that, we just talked about the possibility (which in itself is more then we have for months and months).

On another note, I have begun rebuilding Dying Light. Not sure if we are going to get a different URL or what but with me learning ASP.NEt this is exactly what I needed to learn to have a fully functioning self updating website that requires very little logistics use.

Well I better get going on my ASP.NET homework. I put that off all weekend but I should at least attempt it today. There is so much more I want to post but I will have to wait I guess.

A Bizarre Dream

I woke up this morning at 330am from a dream; I figured I would spout it out here:

I was living in a small community. I know we had radio and politics, and I believe even TV but for all intents and purposes it appeared that the community lived in very poor conditions (something out of the old west, slate board houses with gaps, no insulation, etc). It was a small community of several families.

It started out with the children playing in the woods, the children acted like all other children. Running around in the woods, yelling, screaming, and wrestling when one of the kids found something. Several adults went to investigate and there was some sort of commotion. One of the children acted strangely and seemed to have strength above and beyond what a normal human had (I am sure this is influenced by my watching Smallville last night). The community freaked out and most families locked themselves in their own houses for the night.

The next morning our community awoke to the sounds of screaming. I ran to investigate and found a family butchered inside their house. It was a gruesome and horrible scene and this made the community freak out and hide, each family by themselves in their house. The murder was horrible enough that no one (not even me) believed a normal person could have done this. I tried to talk the town into finding the person but everyone was too scared. After talking to many people (and there was a lot more detail but I didn’t bother to get up till an hour after waking up so details were lost) it seemed I was the only person willing to go look for the person responsible.

The fortunate thing is most of the town (including me) had a very good idea who did it. A crazy man that lived deeper in the woods then anyone else. I found a sturdy chunk of branch that would work well as a club in case I needed it and I went out searching for this man. After several hours of talking to families scattered in the woods I came across the man, unfortunately everyone else in the community was too chicken.

He was standing in a shallow part of the river (actually this looked very similar to the “Gorge” in Whatcom Falls Park, not exactly but close enough I am sure that’s where I got the image from). I approached the man and he ran. I knew it was him so I gave chase, he jumped down into this pit in the river (the river kind of emptied into something underground), and I half followed him when I realized he was probably trying to get behind me. So I turned around and waited.

Sure enough a few minutes later the man appeared out of the water behind me (evidently there was some sort of underwater passage). I laid into him with the branch and I believe I was winning, but I awoke with a start when I realized he was wearing the skin of small children. I guess that was too much and I woke up.

The funny thing is that even though in the dream it felt like a real world experience, everyone acted like most people acted when I was at Legacies. Now looking at it, it had the same feel of cowardice from the people and the inability for most people to get balls and stand up to something.

Yet I realized something even more profound, people act like that in real life. I see it all the time, 99% of the people do not stand up and fight for what they believe in, and they just skulk in their little houses and bitch. In the past I have been in weird circumstances and even though I may have endangered myself I couldn’t understand why others would just sit back.

Is the world really filled with that many pansies and cowards?

Crisis of Faith?

Well I finally fell asleep about 3am. I really think my worries about my parents growing old and what is going to happen is most likely still some stress from school, bad diet (not that I am on a diet, bad food habits), caffiene withdrawal and not enough vitamins.

Please forgive the following ranting, I have just woke up and am still bleary eyed so I am not sure how much sense this will make when I wake up, but it makes sense now.

I also think I am having a small crises of faith. I get worried when I am stressed on what will happen to my wife, parents, siblings and friends after they die. Weirdly enough I don’t feel as concerned about myself, except that I have selfish feelings, I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to have to miss them. I don’t want to lose my wife forever after this is over. I am not talking about a heaven/hell thing, I just mean part of me thinks its unfair I only get a certain time with her, my parents and my friends.

I realize that sounds funny as hell, and normally I dont even worry or think about it, but this quarter for some reason its been bothering me. I guess this has plagued man all of eternity, the foreknowledge of dying. I guess I am partially worried my wife is right and this is the end of things, although honestly I guess if its over after this I wont notice too much :).

I am  partially worried the Christians or other monotheistic religions are right and there is a judgmental being that will separate family/friends/loved ones because they wont kneel to him/her/it in supplication and obey rules instead of judging on who is truly a good soul.

Ok, here is my rant about Christianity/Catholicism/Monotheism of any type. Having been raised Catholic (with bouts as buddhist for 5 years, and other Christian churches for a few sessions each). I originally believed in God, Jesus, the devil all of that. As I grew older I realized the hypocrisy that all churches have.

I have yet to see a church that doesn’t “make money” off of people. Don’t get me wrong, I believe they need to be able to make enough to keep going, but I have never seen a poor preacher who has a congregation, not ever. All I hear from ALL monotheistic religions is that if you don’t “believe” in a single way of doing things, if you wont kneel and be subservient and go to church then your going to hell. I would think that a divine being of goodness would base thier whole judgement on a person’s goodness (which I believe is how you treat others). My believing that most Christians/other Monotheistic followers are hypocrites is the fact they preach goodness, but tell my wife she is going to hell because she is not Christian.

Its funny because they do good things in order to get into heaven, the wife does good things because she likes people (ignore her rumblings, she has an incredibly generous heart when people are in need). But according to these people they will go to heaven because they are being good (purely for the reason of going to heaven, seems kinda selfish if thats the only reason they are good) and she goes down because she doesn’t follow thier religion.

Now I have been happily surprised by some “individual” followers of Monotheism, some of them have shown me generousity above and beyond and I dont believe they do it for an end, but they are good people. What frustrates me is the dogma of these churches, not the individuals in the churches (ok, some individuals frustrate me even more).

I realized my ranting is going off on a tangent so I will try and pull it back. I am worried that either
A). There is nothing after this, but I guess thats moot once I die, I wont notice and it will just be over, or
B). There is a jealous god/goddess/thing that because my family tends to be less then religious will split us up so we never see each other again.

I think what bothers me the most is I want to believe in something, I want to believe there is a a good place everyone goes to, there is actually very few people in history that I think deserves a hell, how can someone be judged if they do something horrible for only one lifetime, what if thier circumstances of when/where/how they were born dictate they have to behave in a bad manner, hell why could a divine being of good judge someone who has mental illness and does horrible things because of it, that they deserve eternal torment. It doesn’t seem fair.

Actually that last part is probably the crux of my problem with most religions. How is it fair to judge anyone as “beyond redemption” because either they dont believe in a church (but are good people) or because they are born into unfair circumstances that they do bad things. How can eternal damnation be that easy to give? Hell honestly I would think its unfair for even someone like Hitler to go to eternal hell. Yes he caused suffering but he obviously was suffering from mental illness/syphillis/etc. 

Now there is a way around this, some eastern religions is that maybe we are judged on more then one life, I could understand if someone was an evil bastard for more then one life, maybe the soul is corrupt and deserves to go to hell. But I believe that would be a fairer way to judge the mettle of someone. The eastern religions believe we redo this life until we get it right. 

Actually in the end thats what I hope this is about, we come back and keep doing the “living” thing til we get it right and then we can move on. This quarter I have been having problems with my personal beliefs, not that I dont believe them anymore, just fears instilled in me by Christianity and the guilt have made me second guess myself.

My whole belief (is usually at least) that we have all been here before (we dont repeat the same life, yes I do believe in “past lives” and no I wasn’t an Egyptian Pharoah, I dont think at least). I believe the same “souls” meet each other and thats why certain people even upon meeting them for the first time I believe I have known them for a long time.

I am positive my wife and I have been together before (more then once at that). I believe my friends and family have been together in different variations before and actually I do sometimes have dreams of past places/times and I sometimes wonder if thats a memory or maybe its a “cellular” memory from an ancestor. I do believe some form of “reincarnation” exists.

That was one of the hard things to try and accept as a Catholic, that we only get one life, one chance to do it right, it always seemed to me unfair that eternity is based on a single set of years ranging from 1 to 80. Even 80 years seems like such a small time to lay eternal damnation on someone for actions. 

Actually I guess in the end I am agnostic, I do believe there is something good (no matter how hard I try to think nothing is there), I do believe there is something bad there, whether thats an outer being of evil, or the flaws in us individually I am not sure of. I am trying to restore my belief that there is something after this life, I realize that this sounds weird, but I hope all things have an afterlife (including animals/pets, I sit here staring at my humongous cat above my monitor and I think it would be a shame if this was it for the little guy).

I think thats where the chink in my “crisis of faith” its not that I don’t believe there is something good, I just am scared that the Christians/Monotheistic people are right and it is a judgemental being, or that the atheists are right and thats it, its over (but I don’t think the atheists are right about there not being a divine being/or beings, I don’t think the Romans/Celts/Greeks/Japanese/Just about every other non-monotheistic culture are necessarily wrong). I could accept a pantheistic view, especially after my classes with Rabbi Oblath.

My belief in the churches of monotheism were shaken when I took a class with a rabbi that explained how the old testament was written and how current modern day peoples mis-interpret what is going on (Hebrew religious texts are very exact in what the meanings are, he was explaining). I figure since “his” religion and people wrote the old testament they would have a clearer understanding of things then the churches that took it over. There are so many examples that I will rant with at a latter time (Adam had multiple wives, god in the garden speaking with other beings of equal level, etc). But all of those require a lot of ranting each so no space here.

I guess in the end, I just am worried that the conservative religious people are right, but then again if they are right the being that demands worship and obediance isn’t truly good and they are being fooled. IF that was the case (and I hope its not) then maybe it is better to Reign in Hell then serve in heaven.

Ok, that was a really long winded rant, I think it helped me to write it out, I feel less worried about things now. Even though I feel my rant isn’t done, I need to stop, it was a long time in writing and in the end its just better if I get some breakfast and get ready for going down to my parents house.

Another Wierd Dream

Ok here it is, I had a dream last night that bothered me. It started out with me being washed up on the shores of Japan. It must have been early times and it sorta was a cross between Last Samurai and Shogun. There wasn’t any sort of fighting though, or war, rather it was kinda peaceful and nice until finally a person from the U.S. found me. 

They gave me a single person raft with a set of sails (it was closer to a canoe, but same idea that your butt was exposed to the water via lashed together logs. LOL it doesnt make sense but thats a dream for you. Then I dreamt I took a cat with me and sailed all the way back to the West Coast, then by using rivers I sailed all through upper Canada until I got to the east coast.

Upon reaching the east coast I found my parents. Upon landing the cat I took with me demanded I feed it 5 kittens because it had not eaten the whole entire time across. I was kinda dumbstruck but I got the impression I knew I might get a request like that. So I had a bag of kittens, and I couldn’t give up most of the kittens because they were cute and reminded me of Orpheus (my current cat in real life) or Isabelle (my parents current cat), but the cat (which now appeared like a kitten itself) was able to get a few of them, leaving kitten parts all over.

After some time of dinking around in the dream I noticed my mother had a bunch of little bites on her and she was starting to get sick. I asked her what happened and she said something about being bitten (I am having a hard time remembering what she said) I told her to go see a doctor and was worried it was the cat I brought with me, even though the bites on her looked like bird bites. I then left to go do something but immediately woke up a little stressed by the dream and a little disorientated.

Now the dream is starting to slip away, I just wanted to write down as much as possible about it before it was gone.

It was a good dream to start with but by the end was a nightmare, I guess I am glad I dont remember the last of it or why it bothered me so much.

Well, I gotta get ready for the Wife’s sister. She is coming over to pick me up so I can help her get started on her DSHS paperwork.