I have been incredibly quiet, but not because I forgot to post here. There is a lot of things happening and to be honest I haven’t had the time.
Physically I am doing great. I feel so much better then I did before this process started. The hormones don’t seem to have any ill effect except the expected results of testosterone blockers (but nothing overall bad), just caught off guard, this will be a future post.
I have lost more then 45lbs since March, and not from any specific diet, purely because I stopped eating junk food. I also think this ties into my mental state as well as I have way more energy.
Mentally the transition is also spectacular. I haven’t felt this good since I was a teenager. My depression symptoms have left and I feel better about everything. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of stress about quitting my job in three weeks and the fact I will at the minimum lose 30k a year for whatever job I do get (if I get one).
The job loss though I think is also contributing to this better feeling in its own way. The Department of Defense is incredibly toxic in general. The election of Trump and Pence has given informal permission to every bottom dwelling conservative who wants to discriminate a way to speak out about their hates.
I think leaving this job makes me feel better in general, and especially makes me feel better concerning the transition. There are a ton of other reasons I am glad to leave (pretty much everything but money) but that is the biggest one right now.
The other stressor is our move. We already have a place lined up, we should be ok financially to do the move, and if the hubby gets cashed out like he is supposed to it might even pay the car off. We even have it figured he can just break even supporting us both if I am unable to find a job.
It is a cheaper place, but with nice amenities, and close to the hubby’s work. I think it is a good place to start on our journey out of here both DoD wise, and Seattle wise.
There is a lot more going on, but that is enough for one post, will have to post about the other things separately.
Until then, take care.
This morning is highly stressful. I am going up to my old hometown to get my second session of laser hair removal on my face, and while I am there I am going to visit the parents’ grave and have breakfast with my little brother.
I am planning on telling him about my transition. Right now as it stands only my husband, one friend who is also transgender, my doctors and the laser hair removal people know. Since I still work for the Department of Defense (and will do it for at least six more weeks) I don’t dare go public. In addition I am not sure how public I will be until the hormones have worked the magic they have (at least as far as they can).
The reason I am considering coming out to be my brother is because he was very upset to find out after a lot of other people about my husband’s transition (from wife to husband). I love him, and I know he loves me and I want to give him a chance. He seemed hurt by it and my family was incredibly close growing up (probably inappropriately so).
My fear is he will totally blow it, freak out and then tell everyone else. He is fairly even keeled about a lot of things, but every once in awhile a childish streak comes out and he acts like a freaking out teenager.
I really want to believe he will keep it quiet, be happy and supportive. I think that is a possibility. Sadly the thing that freaks me out is he might not be. His own demons have been biting at him since our parents passed and sometimes he doesn’t make the best choices, especially concerning life decisions and sobriety.
I am worried he is going to lose his shit, tell others and bitch. To be honest it isn’t his freakout that is worrying me and making it hard to sleep, it’s the fact that if he does that he is out of my life and I already don’t talk with certain other members of my family.
So this morning is stressful until we find out what direction this goes.
Well tomorrow is my one month anniversary on HRT and it has gone better then expected!
No huge changes physically, but you can see a closer to resemblance to my sister on my face at the right angles. I think my skin is getting softer and it is definitely drier. I need to remember to lotion, it seems so alien to me.
It is even more noticeable on my face where the laser removal did work. I only have done it once, I have four or five more appointments, but I have strips of dark beard that are gone permanently. Like I said though, the skin in the blank spots is WAY softer.
In addition since I decided to come out 8 weeks ago I have lost more then 30lbs. I started at 300 and I am down to 268. Faster then expected and I realize it will slow down, but still working on it.
The biggest difference though is my mental condition. While I do occasionally feel a bit more emotional, I feel so much calmer in my head. The voices and doubt are less, I sleep WAY better and I am more comfortable with myself. My depression is gone and I want to go out and do things. Now some of this is the HRT and some is just coming out and accepting who I am, but I will give credit to both.
I am keeping an open mind on how this will all pan out. However, I am extremely fortunate because my husband is incredibly supportive and with him, the HRT and me being myself all results in my physical and mental health is drastically improving no matter the end result.
You are correct, the following post is very close to the one I wrote on 3/22/18 Unreasonable Worry. I find by writing out these worries, even if they are repetitive that it helps me process, so if you find this a bit duplicative I apologize.
The last week or two I have been feeling a little more anxiety then normal when I wake up at night, but not in the same “normal” way. I don’t have that lost feeling of what am I supposed to be doing here, and I definitely don’t have the feeling I am just here to be able to sacrifice for someone else.
That last one seems weird I know, I will probably delve deeper later but the brief overview is I have always felt like my place was disposable. Not in a bad way that people treat me bad, more like an arrow in a quiver, ready to be used for what was needed and then it would be done. I realize this is probably some form of toxic masculinity, but it’s how I felt. I think this is the biggest cause of my anxieties, so maybe I do need to cover it more in the future.
Since coming out though I don’t really feel that way. I want to do more, I want to be there for my hubby more then just a life insurance policy. Frankly I didn’t realize how bad I had felt before. The hubby has really helped me a lot, and I do think the HRT is giving me the ability to think clearer.
My almost-new anxiety (well, its really just a remaking of an old anxiety of my hubby getting bored and leaving) is that my husband is going to be really disappointed in who he married. After all he married a pretty masculine looking guy, fairly ordinary and cisgendered. I know he was happy in our newly established same sex marriage after his transition. So know I am completely freaked out he is secretly disappointed and he isn’t happy now, or won’t be happy in the future.
Let me say that he has NEVER indicated this in words, action or inaction. He has always loved me, supported me and been happy with me. I know that logically, I have seen it, there is no doubt. However, that doesn’t change the small anxiety voices in my head that wake me up at 1am and make me lay in the dark thinking about it.
I worry that the femininity that I am growing into (well, more now then there originally was at least) is a turn off for him. I have that weird anxiety popping up when I think about looking like a woman both out and about with makeup, and especially naked in bed in my final form. It is a silly anxiety, and there is no truth to it. I just wish I could remember that at 1am when I am having an anxiety attack.
It has been a full week since I started HRT and things have been going really well. I have surprised myself by keeping up with the medication (I tend to slack, but this I have no desire to slack at all). So the medication has been great.
I haven’t had any side effects that I can tell. I might have some hormonal changes, but if there were any normal issues they were minor. I have had no stomach problems, and other then getting a warm rush the first couple of days I have taken it, there has been no other noticeable side effects.
During this time my hubby went with me to Ulta and he bought me a bunch of stuff. Concealers, foundation, an Urban Decay pack and misc other things. It was a huge amount of makeup. I cannot tell you enough how fantastic he is. I am fortunate that not only does he accept me fully, but he used to have to use makeup daily, so with his help hopefully I won’t look too lost or too clownish when I try it on.
Speaking of trying it on, I did that last Saturday. I have done makeup before for costuming for games, but never for who I am. It caught me off guard. It was both a liberating and crushing experience.
I normally don’t have too bad of dysphoria. I know I am trans, I know I am supposed to be in a feminine body, but up until recently I didn’t think I could try the transition because of how masculine I am. The makeup was my first real big sense of that dysphoria.
I had two problems. The first problem was that the makeup felt right, and it made me feel like I had been missing something that I hadn’t realized I was missing. I dislike feeling I missed out on anything. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to explore much with this and it will happen more, and of course I will have a weird feeling about it every time.
The second part was my first full blown dysphoria of my current features. I normally dislike how I look, but nothing too gut wrenching. Staring at myself in the mirror though, I couldn’t get past how horrible I felt looking at myself with the makeup. I felt like a liar, ugly and I should give up immediately.
It was the first time I had such a gut wrenching reaction and it stunned me. I haven’t touched the makeup since then, but I think this upcoming weekend I might give it a try. I do have to say last Sunday I woke up and I still had most of the eyeliner on and I thought it looked good. That was the first time with real makeup on that I thought it might be ok.
So many contrary feelings, so much drama! I just still have to settle with myself about the dysphoria, which I am sure will be a recurring thought here. No matter what I think I am done writing right now. I will post about the makeup and probably the dysphoria more in the future.
See you next time!
Today I go into my first HRT appointment, the initial labs are done and now all we do is find out how the primary care PA-c is. I am hoping she isn’t a gate-keeper, that will mean more doctors to look for so my fingers are crossed.
What I do want to do now is establish my overall physical/mental makeup. I would post a picture, but I am not ready to come out in case my employers at a very conservative agency come across it. So I will discuss with you.
I am 46 years old, 6’2” tall and built like a linebacker. I weighted 300 at my last doctor’s visit on 3/5/18 and was pretty depressed. Within a week of that I came out to my husband about being trans with positive results. It is now 4/3/18 and my last weigh in is 288lbs last week. Maybe that is a good sign to begin with.
I have muscular legs, but am pretty soft and chubby around the middle with a not hugely developed upper body. I have hair I have been growing out since last November and it reaches the back of my neck from the top of my head. It is that really untidy stage. My hair is fairly untouched by grey, I have a tiny bit on each temple, but only a few strands. My beard is different, it is streaked pretty heavily in grey, but I keep it shaved and started laser hair removal on it two weeks ago.
I am covered in tattoos, full back, most of one arm and part of another with a small one on my chest. I do plan in increasing those tattoos, but I think I want more feminine looking tattoos. I don’t have any weapons or human skulls, although I do have one rat skull representing my husband (I just got that a few months ago). I do have a lot of pretty demon and angel ladies on me. I think I will augment the tattoos and add to it though.
I have incredibly dry skin, we are talking Sahara Desert levels of dryness. It results in a lot of itching. I hear that my skin will get softer and I am weirdly enough really looking forward to that.
I currently have a broken foot so I can’t workout, but I really do want to start doing exercise bike and swimming. That will start in four weeks if I get this boot off.
I used to eat constant candy, bag a day type thing. My husband pointed out it has gotten worse over the years and my depression has too. I suspect they are definitely intertwined. He also pointed out that since I came out about three weeks ago I haven’t eaten anything candy like except for one brownie he made me because he wanted one. The weird thing is I haven’t craved it at all. I used to crave sugar all the time, now not so much.
My measurements are as follows 4/3/2018
- Weight 288 (down from 300 on 3/5/18)
- Neck: 19 inches
- Waist: 47 inches
- Hips: 49 inches
- Chest: 49 inches.
I think I will eventually add other body parts, maybe later this week to see what impact it has. I do have a lot of muscle, so I am worried as the muscle melts away will the weight just go away or does it just become fat? We will have to see about that.
Mentally I was incredibly depressed. I didn’t really like to go do anything away from my computer and if I had a bad day I would just crave a lot of sugar.
I am sure part of the depression is that I work at a job that just drains my soul. It pays very well and helps paying down our debt, but the more I work in a day the more I just want sugar. Since coming out I haven’t had nearly as strong urges for sugar, and only when I am working. Otherwise if I am hungry a Yoplait light yogurt does all I need.
I do have a fairly feminine outlook. I do a lot of feminine stuff and dislike a lot of masculine stuff. I like to bake, read romance novels (urban fantasy or fantasy/sci-fi). I dislike working on cars, houses, etc.
I have the hardest time keeping my attention on one thing, I tend to a lot of escapism and I have a set of blender tutorials that have been mocking me (that I haven’t started). I tend to be hungry when bored or depressed and pretty uninterested in doing anything.
Right now I am not physically active much, a lot of that is my broken foot. I do really want to work out, at the very least I want to do an exercise bike or swim. I do plan getting out of the boot and maybe doing a weight circuit to record my capabilities and then every few months do it again on HRT and see if I can tell a change. I wouldn’t mind keeping a portion of my strength, I don’t have huge muscles on my arms to begin with so maybe that will be possible.
Currently I do not dress femininely publicly at all. I am still stuck in the closet as I can’t afford work to know, and to be honest I still very much feel like I am horrible looking when I see myself in a mirror in women’s clothing.
This is just a very scattershot list that I will eventually put on a page that I can keep track of any and all changes. I am incredibly excited, but also there is a lot of anxiety of not being able to get past the middle. I know if I don’t make it, that doesn’t mean I am any less deserving or beautiful, but it still makes me anxious.
I will let you know when I get back what happened.
Yesterday I got my informed consent letter from a very good mental health counselor. This is what is needed for the doctor to prescribe HRT and any possible surgeries under the coverage of insurance.
I hadn’t realized how worried I was about it until I woke up the morning of the appointment with only two hours of sleep. I get anxious with bouts of insomnia but that was pretty bad.
I really don’t know what I was fearing exactly. I have been this way since I was a teen, but I think it is only now that I am willing to push forward. He confirmed everything I had thought, and it got rid of that stupid fear that maybe I was misreading myself. So for that alone the appointment was worth it.
I still feel like an imposter wearing the clothes when I look in the mirror, but having confirmation from both my counselor and my husband reinforces that the worrying is just in my head and it isn’t real. I also know that many other trans have that same feeling of being an imposter (I have been told directly from others) and I know logically for me it is a wrong feeling just like it was for them.
I was also worried maybe I was going to fast, the hubby is always reassuring that I am not being unreasonable (we went fast on his transition), and the counselor echoed those same thoughts.
It means next week I get to go in and talk to the doctor about my HRT, take my tests and do all the medical stuff necessary to get started. I am still a bit scared, but not because I think I might be wrong. I know in my head what I feel, and have felt for decades. I am just worried about the external consequences of going down the path.
I avoided the path as long as I could because of those externalities. Now I get to see first-hand, not just as a spouse, what they are.
I know for a fact I was born in the wrong body.
This isn’t a new thing. I have felt this way since a child. I never quite felt like I fit most things on the male side of things. I liked sports, but I hated the individual competitiveness about it. I always preferred “Home Ec” over shop classes (mainly due to the “boys club” that happened there), I preferred sitting inside with the girls while the guys went outside to be manly and posture with each other. There are so many things I preferred that I couldn’t even start to list them here.
I know truly inside myself that I wasn’t supposed to be 6’2″, built like a linebacker with the wrong appearance in the mirror. I hate my facial hair, I dislike the “manliness” that I exude, just none of it is me on the inside. None of it.
The purpose of this very short post was just to establish this in the beginning. That I know on the inside I am more suited for a female body, that is where I should be. The anxieties, worries and bad days in the future are not because I am going the wrong course, but because of either external pressures to conform, or because I am trying to work out the dissonance between what I see in the mirror and what I feel.
This post is to give myself and everyone else a peek at the solid foundation of what I am, before I start unpacking everything else.
It is official, I am a fully published author now. Not that I will ever make any great deal of money, it is kind of cool that some part of me will remain after I am gone. However, I need to note that this would not have been possible without my hubby Wolsey. He helped me with back end of writing (he is an awesome editor) then of course the people at MELK were great as well!
This isn’t the book deal we are waiting on for “Accidentally Gay”, that is supposed to come out in the next month or two, this is a short writing that a Norwegian Queer Culture Journal that publishes quarterly. They asked me to write a story about Wolsey and I. I was more than happy to. It was easy to do. Now after AG comes out maybe I can get some of my fiction or history stuff out there.
A lot of people don’t understand why I am not satisfied with my current employment. I get paid more than I probably ever will again, for a job that is much easier than any job I will have in the future. I have many reasons I am not satisfied, one of the reasons for my dislike is the travel.
I realize it is normal for a lot of couples to spend time away from each other. I hear from some people “that’s healthy”, but not for me. Before this job, over 22 years of marriage I had only been away from my husband for maybe three days at most. Since I started my job in 2014 however I have spent 4+ weeks a year away from him, the pay, the ease of job isn’t worth it to me.
It is probably partially because my parents didn’t spend time away from each other. The only time they did was when it was forced by outside forces (primarily if my dad had to do any time in jail). Other than that, in their entire 46-year marriage they never spent a day away from each other.
I hate being away from him, I would rather work in fast food, living paycheck to paycheck then to spend a night from him. Eventually I will be in a position to change this situation. I won’t wait for some “future date” when all my student loans will be paid off, it will be sooner than later, much sooner.
However, for now at least I have to take a flight this morning to Atlanta where I will stay for five days (one weekend day and four weekdays). I will just be counting down the hours until I can come home to him.