You are correct, the following post is very close to the one I wrote on 3/22/18 Unreasonable Worry. I find by writing out these worries, even if they are repetitive that it helps me process, so if you find this a bit duplicative I apologize.
The last week or two I have been feeling a little more anxiety then normal when I wake up at night, but not in the same “normal” way. I don’t have that lost feeling of what am I supposed to be doing here, and I definitely don’t have the feeling I am just here to be able to sacrifice for someone else.
That last one seems weird I know, I will probably delve deeper later but the brief overview is I have always felt like my place was disposable. Not in a bad way that people treat me bad, more like an arrow in a quiver, ready to be used for what was needed and then it would be done. I realize this is probably some form of toxic masculinity, but it’s how I felt. I think this is the biggest cause of my anxieties, so maybe I do need to cover it more in the future.
Since coming out though I don’t really feel that way. I want to do more, I want to be there for my hubby more then just a life insurance policy. Frankly I didn’t realize how bad I had felt before. The hubby has really helped me a lot, and I do think the HRT is giving me the ability to think clearer.
My almost-new anxiety (well, its really just a remaking of an old anxiety of my hubby getting bored and leaving) is that my husband is going to be really disappointed in who he married. After all he married a pretty masculine looking guy, fairly ordinary and cisgendered. I know he was happy in our newly established same sex marriage after his transition. So know I am completely freaked out he is secretly disappointed and he isn’t happy now, or won’t be happy in the future.
Let me say that he has NEVER indicated this in words, action or inaction. He has always loved me, supported me and been happy with me. I know that logically, I have seen it, there is no doubt. However, that doesn’t change the small anxiety voices in my head that wake me up at 1am and make me lay in the dark thinking about it.
I worry that the femininity that I am growing into (well, more now then there originally was at least) is a turn off for him. I have that weird anxiety popping up when I think about looking like a woman both out and about with makeup, and especially naked in bed in my final form. It is a silly anxiety, and there is no truth to it. I just wish I could remember that at 1am when I am having an anxiety attack.
It has been a full week since I started HRT and things have been going really well. I have surprised myself by keeping up with the medication (I tend to slack, but this I have no desire to slack at all). So the medication has been great.
I haven’t had any side effects that I can tell. I might have some hormonal changes, but if there were any normal issues they were minor. I have had no stomach problems, and other then getting a warm rush the first couple of days I have taken it, there has been no other noticeable side effects.
During this time my hubby went with me to Ulta and he bought me a bunch of stuff. Concealers, foundation, an Urban Decay pack and misc other things. It was a huge amount of makeup. I cannot tell you enough how fantastic he is. I am fortunate that not only does he accept me fully, but he used to have to use makeup daily, so with his help hopefully I won’t look too lost or too clownish when I try it on.
Speaking of trying it on, I did that last Saturday. I have done makeup before for costuming for games, but never for who I am. It caught me off guard. It was both a liberating and crushing experience.
I normally don’t have too bad of dysphoria. I know I am trans, I know I am supposed to be in a feminine body, but up until recently I didn’t think I could try the transition because of how masculine I am. The makeup was my first real big sense of that dysphoria.
I had two problems. The first problem was that the makeup felt right, and it made me feel like I had been missing something that I hadn’t realized I was missing. I dislike feeling I missed out on anything. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to explore much with this and it will happen more, and of course I will have a weird feeling about it every time.
The second part was my first full blown dysphoria of my current features. I normally dislike how I look, but nothing too gut wrenching. Staring at myself in the mirror though, I couldn’t get past how horrible I felt looking at myself with the makeup. I felt like a liar, ugly and I should give up immediately.
It was the first time I had such a gut wrenching reaction and it stunned me. I haven’t touched the makeup since then, but I think this upcoming weekend I might give it a try. I do have to say last Sunday I woke up and I still had most of the eyeliner on and I thought it looked good. That was the first time with real makeup on that I thought it might be ok.
So many contrary feelings, so much drama! I just still have to settle with myself about the dysphoria, which I am sure will be a recurring thought here. No matter what I think I am done writing right now. I will post about the makeup and probably the dysphoria more in the future.
See you next time!
Today I go into my first HRT appointment, the initial labs are done and now all we do is find out how the primary care PA-c is. I am hoping she isn’t a gate-keeper, that will mean more doctors to look for so my fingers are crossed.
What I do want to do now is establish my overall physical/mental makeup. I would post a picture, but I am not ready to come out in case my employers at a very conservative agency come across it. So I will discuss with you.
I am 46 years old, 6’2” tall and built like a linebacker. I weighted 300 at my last doctor’s visit on 3/5/18 and was pretty depressed. Within a week of that I came out to my husband about being trans with positive results. It is now 4/3/18 and my last weigh in is 288lbs last week. Maybe that is a good sign to begin with.
I have muscular legs, but am pretty soft and chubby around the middle with a not hugely developed upper body. I have hair I have been growing out since last November and it reaches the back of my neck from the top of my head. It is that really untidy stage. My hair is fairly untouched by grey, I have a tiny bit on each temple, but only a few strands. My beard is different, it is streaked pretty heavily in grey, but I keep it shaved and started laser hair removal on it two weeks ago.
I am covered in tattoos, full back, most of one arm and part of another with a small one on my chest. I do plan in increasing those tattoos, but I think I want more feminine looking tattoos. I don’t have any weapons or human skulls, although I do have one rat skull representing my husband (I just got that a few months ago). I do have a lot of pretty demon and angel ladies on me. I think I will augment the tattoos and add to it though.
I have incredibly dry skin, we are talking Sahara Desert levels of dryness. It results in a lot of itching. I hear that my skin will get softer and I am weirdly enough really looking forward to that.
I currently have a broken foot so I can’t workout, but I really do want to start doing exercise bike and swimming. That will start in four weeks if I get this boot off.
I used to eat constant candy, bag a day type thing. My husband pointed out it has gotten worse over the years and my depression has too. I suspect they are definitely intertwined. He also pointed out that since I came out about three weeks ago I haven’t eaten anything candy like except for one brownie he made me because he wanted one. The weird thing is I haven’t craved it at all. I used to crave sugar all the time, now not so much.
My measurements are as follows 4/3/2018
- Weight 288 (down from 300 on 3/5/18)
- Neck: 19 inches
- Waist: 47 inches
- Hips: 49 inches
- Chest: 49 inches.
I think I will eventually add other body parts, maybe later this week to see what impact it has. I do have a lot of muscle, so I am worried as the muscle melts away will the weight just go away or does it just become fat? We will have to see about that.
Mentally I was incredibly depressed. I didn’t really like to go do anything away from my computer and if I had a bad day I would just crave a lot of sugar.
I am sure part of the depression is that I work at a job that just drains my soul. It pays very well and helps paying down our debt, but the more I work in a day the more I just want sugar. Since coming out I haven’t had nearly as strong urges for sugar, and only when I am working. Otherwise if I am hungry a Yoplait light yogurt does all I need.
I do have a fairly feminine outlook. I do a lot of feminine stuff and dislike a lot of masculine stuff. I like to bake, read romance novels (urban fantasy or fantasy/sci-fi). I dislike working on cars, houses, etc.
I have the hardest time keeping my attention on one thing, I tend to a lot of escapism and I have a set of blender tutorials that have been mocking me (that I haven’t started). I tend to be hungry when bored or depressed and pretty uninterested in doing anything.
Right now I am not physically active much, a lot of that is my broken foot. I do really want to work out, at the very least I want to do an exercise bike or swim. I do plan getting out of the boot and maybe doing a weight circuit to record my capabilities and then every few months do it again on HRT and see if I can tell a change. I wouldn’t mind keeping a portion of my strength, I don’t have huge muscles on my arms to begin with so maybe that will be possible.
Currently I do not dress femininely publicly at all. I am still stuck in the closet as I can’t afford work to know, and to be honest I still very much feel like I am horrible looking when I see myself in a mirror in women’s clothing.
This is just a very scattershot list that I will eventually put on a page that I can keep track of any and all changes. I am incredibly excited, but also there is a lot of anxiety of not being able to get past the middle. I know if I don’t make it, that doesn’t mean I am any less deserving or beautiful, but it still makes me anxious.
I will let you know when I get back what happened.
Yesterday I got my informed consent letter from a very good mental health counselor. This is what is needed for the doctor to prescribe HRT and any possible surgeries under the coverage of insurance.
I hadn’t realized how worried I was about it until I woke up the morning of the appointment with only two hours of sleep. I get anxious with bouts of insomnia but that was pretty bad.
I really don’t know what I was fearing exactly. I have been this way since I was a teen, but I think it is only now that I am willing to push forward. He confirmed everything I had thought, and it got rid of that stupid fear that maybe I was misreading myself. So for that alone the appointment was worth it.
I still feel like an imposter wearing the clothes when I look in the mirror, but having confirmation from both my counselor and my husband reinforces that the worrying is just in my head and it isn’t real. I also know that many other trans have that same feeling of being an imposter (I have been told directly from others) and I know logically for me it is a wrong feeling just like it was for them.
I was also worried maybe I was going to fast, the hubby is always reassuring that I am not being unreasonable (we went fast on his transition), and the counselor echoed those same thoughts.
It means next week I get to go in and talk to the doctor about my HRT, take my tests and do all the medical stuff necessary to get started. I am still a bit scared, but not because I think I might be wrong. I know in my head what I feel, and have felt for decades. I am just worried about the external consequences of going down the path.
I avoided the path as long as I could because of those externalities. Now I get to see first-hand, not just as a spouse, what they are.
I know for a fact I was born in the wrong body.
This isn’t a new thing. I have felt this way since a child. I never quite felt like I fit most things on the male side of things. I liked sports, but I hated the individual competitiveness about it. I always preferred “Home Ec” over shop classes (mainly due to the “boys club” that happened there), I preferred sitting inside with the girls while the guys went outside to be manly and posture with each other. There are so many things I preferred that I couldn’t even start to list them here.
I know truly inside myself that I wasn’t supposed to be 6’2″, built like a linebacker with the wrong appearance in the mirror. I hate my facial hair, I dislike the “manliness” that I exude, just none of it is me on the inside. None of it.
The purpose of this very short post was just to establish this in the beginning. That I know on the inside I am more suited for a female body, that is where I should be. The anxieties, worries and bad days in the future are not because I am going the wrong course, but because of either external pressures to conform, or because I am trying to work out the dissonance between what I see in the mirror and what I feel.
This post is to give myself and everyone else a peek at the solid foundation of what I am, before I start unpacking everything else.
It is official, I am a fully published author now. Not that I will ever make any great deal of money, it is kind of cool that some part of me will remain after I am gone. However, I need to note that this would not have been possible without my hubby Wolsey. He helped me with back end of writing (he is an awesome editor) then of course the people at MELK were great as well!
This isn’t the book deal we are waiting on for “Accidentally Gay”, that is supposed to come out in the next month or two, this is a short writing that a Norwegian Queer Culture Journal that publishes quarterly. They asked me to write a story about Wolsey and I. I was more than happy to. It was easy to do. Now after AG comes out maybe I can get some of my fiction or history stuff out there.
A lot of people don’t understand why I am not satisfied with my current employment. I get paid more than I probably ever will again, for a job that is much easier than any job I will have in the future. I have many reasons I am not satisfied, one of the reasons for my dislike is the travel.
I realize it is normal for a lot of couples to spend time away from each other. I hear from some people “that’s healthy”, but not for me. Before this job, over 22 years of marriage I had only been away from my husband for maybe three days at most. Since I started my job in 2014 however I have spent 4+ weeks a year away from him, the pay, the ease of job isn’t worth it to me.
It is probably partially because my parents didn’t spend time away from each other. The only time they did was when it was forced by outside forces (primarily if my dad had to do any time in jail). Other than that, in their entire 46-year marriage they never spent a day away from each other.
I hate being away from him, I would rather work in fast food, living paycheck to paycheck then to spend a night from him. Eventually I will be in a position to change this situation. I won’t wait for some “future date” when all my student loans will be paid off, it will be sooner than later, much sooner.
However, for now at least I have to take a flight this morning to Atlanta where I will stay for five days (one weekend day and four weekdays). I will just be counting down the hours until I can come home to him.
Well here I am, 2am and awake. I have been fortunate though, lately my insomnia hasn’t been waking me up this early (yesterday I slept until 5:15am which is unheard of) so it is probably a little expected I get some today.
Things are going really well honestly. In gaming I had the most productive group game in years (see the game at https://silkandspices.wordpress.com). We have three new players joining my hubby and Torie. It was a character making session with a bit of role-play, but even so I got more feedback and more submissions from my three new players in one game then I got in years from some of my older players. It felt really nice to be appreciated.
Work is still just work. My hubby might have some good news coming up, we will see. I am very proud of him no matter what. As for my work it is a train wreck (yes we work at the same place). I am watching an audit we are doing just starting to nose dive, although I don’t feel too bad because I have told management repeatedly what the problem is and they don’t want to pursue it, so it isn’t my problem.
I am getting my arm sleeve tattoo worked on, its starting to look really nice. The hubby got his done so he is good to go for now, I still have a few more sessions. This time though I think I am going to go a little slower, only a couple of hours at a time. It is cheaper in the short term, and honestly I just don’t want to sit under the tattoo gun for more then a couple hours at a time.
Personally I am doing ok. Hubby’s surgeries are over and he is recovering so that is a relief. I am starting to work on my own health but that is a bit problematic. Evidently my foot is still fractured and it is officially a Jones Break. Means it may not heal on its own. It has been since October 3, 2017 when I broke it originally, we are going to give it until the end of March and see the orthopedic surgeon again. A boot or cast won’t help so I just have to take it easy.
More health news, I am halfway done with my first crown this year, they have to put the new crown in next week. Then I have a second crown and a bridge to get, with a final touch up of fixing a cracked tooth. Also today I will be going in to have my hearing checked along with the holes in my eardrums (I had tubes put in about 7 months ago, my hearing still sucks) and we will see how that goes.
Finally I am getting a CAT scan for the hernia/stomach problems. Been trying to get that for more then two years. Overall this year is about getting my health back in shape, that way if our job situation changes I can move on healthier.
My anxiety is also doing ok. Obviously I am still suffering from insomnia, but it isn’t as hard as it was last year at this time. the post-holidays (actually pre-holidays as well) is always more difficult and my dad passing’s anniversary is pretty soon. All that being said though the hubby’s health has improved as has my anxiety because of it.
The rest of life is a bit slow and steady. I am reading (or listening to audiobooks) a lot, working on gaming stuff and just enjoying being with my husband. Oh and realizing how old I am getting when half my post is health issues. Is this what my future holds? LOL.
My actual profession is an auditor. Right now I audit large defense contractors for the D0D. Before that I audited state and local governmental agencies, employers who are “underground” (meaning they are working off the books) and was a senior accounting analyst for a large county.
None of these jobs ever require certification. Many of the jobs require years of experience, but getting an actual accounting certification isn’t necessary and I have never seen where it actually means that person is more capable then someone without a certification.
However, that being said it sometimes looks better to have certifications, even if they don’t actually mean you are skilled enough or even smart enough to do the job. So I have been looking over my CPA study materials, trying to figure out if I want to go this direction, or get a CIA (Certified Internal Auditor) and CFE (Certified Fraud Examiner). The CPA is a lot of study, a lot of tests and can take up to 18 months. The CFE and CIA could both be taken in that time, with a lot of time to spare.
CPA has most flexible overall (but I don’t plan on ever working for a CPA firm where its the most use) but this is a better $$ option. Most people when they hear the title CPA they have an idea that you are smart, can do anything for them accounting wise, etc. The fact is I can do that right now professionally without the certification and would charge a lot less is a pretty funny side note.
However, I don’t like the environment of most accounting firms, or other employers that look for CPAs. It pays really really well, but its like this little slice of hell. Filled with more politics and bootlicking then actually doing your job. Also it is mostly cubicle work. I hate both of those things, and I have Oppositional Defiance Disorder, meaning I don’t respond well to authority like figures. However, I will admit that I do like the flexibility in where I can work and the money. That wars with the fact that I hate routine, I dislike having to sit beside most people for long periods (my husband is the single exception to this rule), and I get bored with accounting in general.
On the other hand the CFE is part of what I love doing (auditing) but a lot more niche. It is a lot more interesting. I don’t like the day to day minutia of accounting, the cycles and the getting into the deep details. I prefer digging into accounting, finding if there are problems and basically telling people where they are wrong.
Auditing relies on a person being able to be assertive, able to handle people hating them, being quick on your feet, and most importantly flexible. I am not assertive in most parts of my life, but auditing is a definite exception. In addition I need to have things happening quickly, and I love being flexible. Most importantly I have no problem with conflict, which is a lot of auditing. People push back, yell at you, throw cans of pop at you or threaten you with a pistol (I have had those all happen to me).
That means the CFE is awesome. It just reinforces my credentials in auditing and would expose me to more jobs that are in that direction. The problem is like I said earlier, a lot more niche. Then again my whole professional history is pretty niche (and I do get head hunters after me several times a year for that niche). However, it is still limiting to where I can go and who I can work for.
Since Auditing is what I like, the CIA I will get eventually no matter what so that is just a matter of putting it in order. It will add to my credentials no matter what I do and it is fairly straight forward.
I guess the hard part for considering the CPA for me is I have audited dozens of CPAs and they are absolutely no smarter or more knowledgeable then accountants without that classification. Its purely to charge your customer more. When I was in school and asked why the “5th year rule” was enforced, the idea that a CPA needs a 5th year of college, and my teacher who helped with the CPA test design was specific and said it was to limit the pool of CPA candidates so they could charge more.
I wasn’t really shocked by that, but it really goes at the heart of my experience with the CPA. Of course there are exceptions, but the general rule that has been backed up by ten years of auditing CPAs fits right in there. I do have to say that they get really uppity when a non-CPA audits them, nails them and they get caught being wrong (sometimes doing it on purpose, sometimes they are idiots).
I will play around with the CPA study materials, but the 600+ hours of study needed to take it might be beyond what I want to do. I guess I will just talk to the hubby and get feedback.
It’s funny, I posted about how I woke up anxious last year on January 1st because I hadn’t heard from my parents as they had passed that year. It was the first time in 45 years that they hadn’t said Happy New Year to me, 25 of which was phone calls right around midnight.
I didn’t think it would happen again, but it did. This morning I woke up, the second New Years since they were gone, and worried for a few moments that they weren’t ok since I hadn’t heard from them. Even stone cold drunk they would call me.
Then I laid in bed for about an hour thinking about them. I know they would be proud of the hubby and I, especially all the surgeries he went through. I don’t think I have even really tried dealing with them being gone. I don’t know how to start it. I do know it bothered me laying in the dark, listening to my husband snore and wishing desperately like a ten year old again that they would call me one more time.
Maybe this year I need to actually work on that. Although I do want to say that this year is looking far better than last year. W’s surgeries are all done, all requirement to stay at this job are satisfied. By the end of this year we will have left this soul crushing job and moved out of this people crushing place and maybe actually get back to being us.
I do war about the job thing. This is probably the most money I will make in my life. The job is super easy to do skill wise. It would pay W’s and myself’s 125k in student loans within four years (not counting the 25k in short term debt this year). The problem being is this job is a complete scam and the people in it are incredibly toxic. I don’t feel any pride in going to work, and over the months I just watch more and more bullshit and it makes me angrier every time. This doesn’t even count that I dislike working for Trump’s administration and the rights they are rolling back on anyone who isn’t a cisgender, heterosexual white male.
I have a lot to talk about with work, and I think I am going to start doing it this year (probably later this month). So for now I am going to look forward to the fact that things are moving forward. My husband is healthy. I am fairly healthy and will be taking steps to address other factors. Most importantly I am going to celebrate the fact that we never have to worry about food being in our fridge or the ability to buy what we need, when we need right now in our lives. This is a first in our lives together (and a first in my 46 year long life ever).
Happy New Year to everyone, may 2018 surpass anything else you have in joy and happiness!