Tired…

This was originally a Facebook post I posted earlier this morning, so if it isn’t cogent… I blame Facebook.

People make me tired. This is a long rant so please scroll on by if you are inclined.

I was in a line at Safeway yesterday standing behind this older looking guy (but probably not really any older than me). He is a little shorter than me and I am dressed in my blue skirt and a black top (with red under shirt). I am grumpy, but I am feeling fairly good with my look.

He stares at me, looks away, turns back and stares again but this time makes some sort of “hrummph” sound, looks away, looks back and makes a motion with his hand and mutters “what?”
Continue reading “Tired…”

Office Situation

I currently share an office with a pretty cool guy named Tom. He and I get along, he hasn’t had any problem with my transition and it is just a comfortable situation.

Yesterday our boss came in and told us that we would have to move into cubicles. The department hired someone else that would need the office and we will have to move out in about 3-4 weeks to two cubicles smack dab in the middle of a full office staff.

We were both frustrated, annoyed and a little pissed. Our position requires space for a lot of files, and to meet with people. However, it is true neither of us are supervising management. We checked out the cubicles and they aren’t horrible, but they are in the middle of everyone.

For the rest of the day I was annoyed. I felt it was because now it will be loud, and there are others there that I suspect track each other’s breaks and stuff and we won’t have the space we are used to. It bothered me a lot, more then it should. I totally agree its ok to be annoyed but honestly I logically realize it isn’t a big deal.

I got home and the hubby commiserated with me, and he brought something up. He said I am probably upset because I feel safe in my office and now I am in the main area with everyone. I am no longer in a safe spot, with someone I can trust.

I hadn’t even considered that, but he is right. This is the first time I have had to sit in a public space since I fully transitioned and it freaks me out. Partially its irrational, and partially its because I know some of them dislike me (well, that plus its loud and there are break watchers). So now I am anxious and pacing.

I know things should work out, but it is going to be anxious for me, and I am glad my hubby is so understanding. I realize also that most have to go through worse, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is new for me, so I will forgive myself that.

I am going to miss this office.

Sometimes good shows up

I post a lot of stuff that is a little more negative about transition. Today however I have some beautiful stuff to talk about.

I had been out auditing an agency and when I wrapped up I drove the 45 minutes back to town. On my way back I decided I wanted a Costco hot dog, and that is what I thought about the whole time.

I got to Costco and went through my Costco hot dog purchase. The lady behind the counter was super sweet. She called me sweetie like five times and it was a good experience.

I walked back to my car with the hot dog, excited by the bad for you goodness I got to eat when I sat down (it was too packed in Costco dining area).

That is when tragedy struck me…

There was much sadness and gnashing of teeth. I was going to go back to the office and cry when I decided I could afford a second hot dog.

I went back to Costco, walked in and went to pay for another hotdog. All the ladies in Costco food were calling me sweetie, asking how my day was, etc. it helped me some

When I was getting rung up I handed my cash and I mentioned I had to come back because I dropped my hot dog. All of a sudden she stopped and pushed my money away. A second lady was shaking her head and saying “Honey, no money from you, we can give you a new one”. Then they all started yelling don’t pay for it, just take it.

The girl who sold me the original hot dog was screaming from the dishwasher area in the back to give me a free hot dog as well.

I asked them like 12 times if they were sure, they wouldn’t take any money at all. That single unasked concern for me reassured me and made me feel better than I had in days.

I can’t express the good it did for me, except I needed to share it.

Thank you Costco workers for being you!!!

Heartbeat… TERF Fuckery

I will be honest, before my transition I was so shut down that I would see articles like this, they would make me mad on behalf of the target, but it didn’t truly bother me. Now it does.

The short story is that the lead developer’s girlfriend of Heartbeat, a game well loved by the LGBTQA community went on a TERF rampage on twitter. It turns out that the lead developer herself is also heavily TERF and they are both hateful creatures. You can read more about it here: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/heartbeat-trans-suicide-rate/

I won’t go into the whole sordid stupidity. What this post is about is my frustration at people like that and people in general (such as my previous transphobia post). I read too much around the Heartbeat drama and now I am anxious, unhappy and really debating limiting my exposure to certain subjects. This doesn’t do me any good to read this shit at 3am and definitely not be able to go back to sleep.

As a side note, I am not a lesbian (I am sure my husband is relieved to hear that) and I am attracted to both genders. While I have dabbled with boys before transition before my husband, I never had a standard relationship with one and I wasn’t sure if I would seek someone out that was male to begin with. So I assumed when I was younger that if I ever transitioned I would have been a lesbian (this is before my hubby transitioned). Although I think that identity had more to do with my dysphoria and inability to deal with my own penis situation then being actually only into women.

As for the developer and her girlfriend (lesbians), I am ok with people who don’t want to touch me because I still currently have a penis and they don’t want to touch a penis. I can separate my genitals from my personal identity, after all pretty much everyone else has already done that. All I ask is that the recognize me as a woman. Maybe not talk about me, or avoid me.

What I hate is the spiteful rage I hear, and even worse yet the quiet behind the back talking. This is why I hate this at work as well, the silent judging, the whispers at the next table, or the silence when I walk into the room.

I just feel tired all the time from attacks from religious people, then from our government, and the worst… from our own LGBTQA community. I didn’t understand when my husband said he felt tired, or when other trans people said it. I thought I did, but I had no clue. However now I do feel it, a constant picking at me by external sources. I can only imagine this must be what its like (and maybe worse) for people of color or who follow Islam. I always had empathy for that, this just makes it more. It also means I think I would step even further out (even if it endangered me) for the other minority groups.

I just don’t get why TERF’s think my existence is taking away from them. Then again I never understood minority groups who find even smaller groups to pick on, doing the same thing to those smaller and weaker groups that is done to them. I get that it is a power thing, and a way to make themselves feel better, but it isn’t something I have ever done and it is frustrating. You don’t have to date me, but why do you doubt who I am even after science, psychology and myself tell you who I am.

This has gotten me to thinking though, after reading the lesbian TERF hate from the Heartbeat dev and her girlfriend, it dawned on me that the demisexual I thought I was, may have been more of dysphoria reason then I realized. I am not sure why it came to me now, but I think I am less demisexual and my desire was impacted more by dysphoric feelings.

I like boys, girls and nonbinary (or any other combination). What is in someone’s pants doesn’t make me hesitate for a moment. I used to think I only liked people I connected with, but more and more I am thinking I was only interested in people I felt safe with. My gender has always been an issue (as has my genitals), I just hadn’t realized until more recently maybe I am pansexual with dysphoria then anything.

I realize I just mixed topics, and I will explore the sexual identity later, I just felt it kind of dovetailed with the lesbian hate for some reason and I wanted to share both.

Mostly I wanted to say I am saddened by TERF thought patterns, but in the end they are garbage and can go fuck themselves right along with the religious fundies, both are irrelevant and wrong.

FINALLY:


Rough day (transphobia)

Yesterday was harder than normal, and represents the third day in about a week of hostile encounters. I realize this is the new normal, but I figured I would share them.

The day started with me going to Safeway to pick up some paper bowls. I was wandering the paper bowl/plate aisle when two older black guys come wandering up. As a clarification this is not the same guys who were at Safeway in my earlier post.  I knew this was going to be an issue because they had parked in front of me outside and had been talking to each other and pointing at me.

To be honest I was worried, which is something I haven’t gotten used to, as they both walked up. The smaller guy within about 3-4 feet of me. They started talking with me and started getting pushy on who I was. The biggest thing I remember was them both saying “What is up with this shit” and then hand waving at my clothes and boobs.

I sputtered for a few moments not sure what was going on and eventually figured I was going to get hurt so I went off about how they would hate losing to a girl with a bigger dick then them. By no means did I think I would win any confrontation. I am a hundred pounds lighter then I was, and a good chunk of that was muscle. My husband tends to be stronger than myself now. However, my feral childhood and parents instilled a “last great act of defiance” mode and I guess I hit it in panic.

Surprisingly both guys just stopped and watched me. They then looked at each other, nodded and walked away. I don’t by any means think I may have intimidated them, but I do think I made the cost of any more harassment not worth it to them and I will take it.

I couldn’t figure out why they approached me though, until my husband brought up he thought that they might believe I was a pro. That they were seeing if maybe I was for hire. It sort of makes sense, I know there are chasers out there and I saw my husband get propositioned a few times (and heard about it even more) before he transitioned. It makes a little more sense, and wit that knowledge I think next time I will handle it different.

Even so, that wasn’t the thing that bothered me most that day, that was still coming up.

I got to work and a couple hours later I was talking with a couple of my lady coworkers. It was confirmed by one of them that there is a large selection of women who won’t use the restroom if I am in there. I am fairly sure they are the same ones that don’t respond if I say hi, or walk away.

To be honest I am not surprised. It is fairly common that I will be sitting in a stall and a lady will come in, stop and turn around even though there are other open stalls. This happens even faster if I am standing at the sink putting makeup on, or washing my face. A large portion of women will step in, look at me directly and just turn around and leave. I have even said hi when they come in, they just stare at me and walk away without saying anything.

I know that is weird because most women who don’t run from me won’t stop talking to me in the bathroom (which also freaks out my socialized as a boy self… but I am getting past that).

I have seen it in other places such as the lunchroom where a group of women will start whispering when I come in the room. I figure it is something about me, or my clothing. It is worse though when I step into a room and a bunch of women stop talking and they all just watch me get into the fridge and get my lunch. I think the silence is worse.

None of this is new, the being accosted is something I am starting to expect outside. However, the work situation bothers me a lot. I don’t like it when people I am around are uncomfortable about me, or actively hate what I am (there are a couple that do that).

The one good thing about my coworker confirming that, is it confirmed I wasn’t crazy or misreading people. At least I know I am seeing clearly and that is important to me.

2 encounters in one day – Main Street Gas and Grocery

It turns out that my day didn’t end with my Safeway Encounter, but rather was a long continuation as I stopped at People’s Park to eat a yogurt and then went to the Main Street Gas and Grocery to get some lotto tickets for my husband (it is right across the street from People’s Park).

Sitting at People’s Park and taking a picture

I have been to the store a few times, and there is a gentleman who is always there. He is always polite to me, but I can’t tell if its in a weird way (almost an “interested” look, but I am too new to this to know for sure). However it was the closest place to Safeway to get a lotto ticket (Safeway couldn’t sell any).

I went in there, pulled cash from the machine and walked up to the counter behind an old and very drunk hispanic man who kept telling everyone that he didn’t want Trump to send him away.

I am waiting there and he turns and notices me and says “wow you are tall beautiful”… obviously super drunk. Don’t get me wrong, flattering and all but I still don’t pass and I knew he was drunk. He obviously caught up to that a few moments later.

His face screws up in a question… “are you a man or woman?” He has that drunk voice, as he sways a bit. I smile but was a bit more uncomfortable and was all of a sudden a little more wary. The man is half my size so he isn’t a threat, but I was still a little wary.

I say “I am a woman, it cost a lot of money to become one.” The gentleman who works/owns the store smiles when I say that and nods, and is already starting to tell the drunk to leave me alone.

The drunk seemed confused and started talking when the store guy starts yelling for him to leave the woman alone. The fact he referenced me as a woman without blinking made me feel good. Meanwhile the drunk takes a few moments as he takes my hand. He leans forward and drunkenly says

“Don’t let anyone say you aren’t beautiful.”

I have seen that kind of shifting in opinions of drunks, and it wasn’t unexpected. I was partially happy to get the compliment but I wanted to get out of there before things went awry. As I left the store guy walked up to the homeless guy yelling at him to leave the woman alone and buzzing a taser threateningly. The old guy left, I left.

I talked with my hubby I found out a man had been stabbed in the parking lot and died there at 1pm the previous Thursday (one week exactly before).

https://www-1.thenewstribune.com/news/local/crime/article234797627.html

 

2 encounters in one day – The Safeway Incident

Today was a strange set of encounters, two of them to be exact. Both put me in uncomfortable situation and both of course involved being transgendered. I was wearing my blue striped dress and was out auditing one of the agencies and things were fine until I went to the local Safeway (in a bad area of town).

Me in the dress three months ago

As I exited Safeway, I noticed in front of me an older lady walking to her car. Behind her was a small man (I believe was homeless) following after her, with a second  homeless man watching from the other side of the entryway into the store. It bothered me, something seemed off.

Just seeing how the man was approaching made me wonder and I stopped walking in the middle of the parking lot and just watched the lady to make sure she got to her car when the small black guy yelled at her a question I couldn’t make out. I am fairly sure it was asking for change, but the fact she hurried quicker meant she wasn’t interested.

So I stood there and settled on the balls of my feet (in my little black Uggs) and I just watched him. I wanted to make sure nothing happened. I was very aware of the second man to my left and slightly behind me about 20 feet. I didn’t say anything, just watched in case I need to intervene.

That is when the guy to my left and behind me loudly yelled, “6’1 or 6’2?” I knew immediately he was talking to me, but that he was actually warning his buddy I was watching. I spun on my left, keeping the small guy in site and smiled at the man with the questions.

At this time the smaller man who was accosting the woman also stopped, he turned to watch me and seemed to have forgotten the lady. She immediately took advantage and got in her car and left. Meanwhile I just smiled at the guy and yelled back “6’2”. I think he was surprised I responded to him and didn’t scuttle away.

The gentleman who yelled the question

He stood back, cocked his head and then yelled, “Where’s your husband?” I yelled back “A few blocks away, will bring him lunch when I am done here” and I motioned to him and his friend. I think he was a little shocked at my response because he pulled on his medical facemask over his nose (the man had awful teeth).

It was during this time that the little guy just faded away, I saw him moving for a moment and then he was gone in between the cars. I noticed the guy asking the question nod to me and say, “good enough for me”. He then leaned over the railing and avoided responding to me anymore.

I am more than willing to say something to someone if another person might be in danger, but if its just me I am happy with leaving. That is when I got into the car and drive off.

That would have made the day interesting, but it doesn’t even include what happened at People’s Park

Some good news

I got my blood test results back. I have some good news and some ok news.

Good news: my testosterone is “LESS THAN 10 ng/dL” and the range is 0-74ng/dL. So at least we know my testicles haven’t mysteriously grown back 🤣.

The test is to ensure the male hormone has dropped off thus allowing feminine hormones to work their magic. This is first time my testosterone hasn’t decided to make a comeback and I find it encouraging.

Another bit of good news is my progesterone numbers (prolactin test): 15.5 ng/mL and the range is 2.5-19 ng/mL. That is excellent news as this is the hormone that developed breast growth.

Finally I got my estrogen results via paper only (for some reason it isn’t on my electronic documents). 98 pg/mL and the standard range is 30-500.

This is an upward trend (my last result was less than 20), but not where we want it (300+ is the target score, there is another test that goes up to 700 and on that one we want 400+, not sure the difference though between the two scoring systems).

I will admit I was really disappointed by this. However Dr Fields is awesome, he said we will take this progress and up my dosage to 8mg of estradiol per day (I was taking 6 as of yesterday and only 4 when I had the horrible doctor) so I feel like we are moving.

I will go get another test in November and cross my fingers.

General Update and Cheek News

I have been quiet lately, not that new things haven’t happened, just that I am exhausted. However, wanted to get out some of the basics while I had some moments.

The last couple of weeks have been especially bad with insomnia and nightmares, mostly me not being able to protect people I currently care about, or who passed away already. This results in me getting up somewhere between 00:30 and 0300 for several days, unless I crash every five or six days which case I sleep until 4pm (which is later than normal for me). This leaves me grumpy and tired. Fortunately my husband is pretty forgiving.

I did get to meet a nice transgender lady while I was at work. I was actually on lunch at Thea’s park and I am sitting in my car throwing peanuts out for the crows and seagulls. I see this lady pull up beside me. My first thought was wondering if she was a trans lady. I glanced at her, she glanced at me and a few minutes later she motioned for me to roll down my window as she asked me if I was trans.

That is when I met Hazel, a nice lady who is a local and has been doing this a couple years longer than myself. She seemed nice, we chatted and exchanged instagram accounts. It was nice meeting someone like myself. It is funny, I have met a lot more trans guys than gals. This is primarily because for 5 of the last 6 years we were focused on hubby’s transition so it was guys who came out of the woodwork (especially about accidentally gay and the website). It as just nice to meet someone like me.

Yesterday we went down to Portland to check on my cheek with Dr. Ley. The trip down was actually pretty cool. I live to just spend time with my husband. I realize a lot of people hate traveling with others, but 3 hours each direction with my hubby is enjoyable to me, especially since I don’t drive so much anymore.

We got there and there was a bit of a kerfuffle finding the office. Met a nice trans girl named Libby and we helped guide her to Dr. Ley’s office as well. I walked in with Dr. Ley and she didn’t even recognize me from my surgery four months ago. The facial changes she made, plus the hormones, new hair color/style and my long skirt gave her a blank stare at me for a few moments.

I intentionally didn’t choose my best most recent image, the recent image is my “average”.

She was nice and realized who I was soon enough after I started talking. After telling her some of my concerns she reached into my mouth where I noticed the real thingand I saw her visibly hesitate when she felt the “serrated edge” feeling the cheek had on the inside. She apologized for any pain as she crushed up whatever was sharp feeling.

She admitted she had never felt something like that before (my body heals weird). She was worried at first that part of the cheek was exposed inside my mouth but relaxed when she realized it was fine. She ended up clearing me and saying my cheek was healing well with no problems, that was a relief.

We then stopped at the Bantam Tavern, just a couple of blocks down where I had fish and chips and a couple of Whiskey Punches to celebrate. We then came home and I got to spend more time with the most important person in the world.

There is my favorite thing in the world.

Of course I am back up at 3am this morning, but I feel a bit better as I fell asleep earlier. I just wanted to get this written down (I have already forgotten the dream I wanted to talk about, all I remember was me desperately searching for a large oxygen tank in a garage that had slipped under all the carport racks). So here it is. Hopefully more will be coming. 🙂

Anxiety

One of the things I had done during my FFS was cheek implants. I originally didn’t think I wanted them, but the doc talked me into and to be honest she was correct. I think they look great, and I am really happy.

The left cheek implant has always bothered me during the healing contest. Not heavily, but enough. It was the last to stop swelling after the initial surgery, the skin tends to tighten around it more so occasionally if I smile there is a stretching feeling, but this is all within a normal parameter.

Several weeks ago I noticed when I feel my cheek from inside my mouth, my left cheek feels more jagged on the edges then my right one. It could be a stitch, or just the way it healed. However it does give me a little anxiety about it.

A couple weeks later I was talking to my nurse, she asked for me to get pictures of the inside of my mouth and send it. I did so, got some good pictures and sent it to her. She replied it looks fine, but she would show the doctor… then I got an email asking for me to make an appointment for the doctor to see my mouth when she comes up to Portland (they are in Phoenix, but were going to be in Portland as they expand their offices).

The doc said it is fine but she would like to look. That of course makes me nervous as well but I have an appointment on September 20th.

Fast forward to a couple days ago I noticed it was spread out a little more in my mouth (still looks fine externally). Yesterday it ached and swole up a little (both sides do this occasionally,its just a natural part of healing. This morning it is a bit more puffy, I don’t think its infected but I worry.

My biggest anxiety breaks down into a few things.

I just don’t want to incur any more cost of having it removed, waiting six months and putting it back in. I am already tanking us financially and doubling or tripling the price of my cheek implants is freaking me out. This doesn’t even include the cost of flights or time off.

I am worried about what I would look like without the implant, whether its just temporarily for six months while it heals or if its permanent. Will the skin over the implant sag, will I have a more gaunt look in my face, will I totally fail looking cute.

This week was the first time I ever looked in the mirror and saw myself and really liked what I looked like. I mean I totally thought I was cute and there were no negative thoughts (except for the dislike of my skin apron from weight loss, but that will be fixed). Then this happens and I am worried I am on a downward spiral.

So here I am anxiously unsure what is going to happen and how to go about it. The sad thing, I am aware it is probably nothing at all and things will be fine, but that anxiety is still there.