Posted in Events Health Transition

It went smoothly

It has been a few days since I posted about giving my notice and I just wanted to update that it went incredibly smooth.

The two supervisors I spoke to I was completely honest about transitioning, about the toxicity of the DoD and about my inability to be able to work there. Both of them were incredibly supportive about it. They had wondered if I had lost weight (As of now its 50+ pounds but I hold weight well so it doesn’t look that extreme) and I was awfully happy.

They are both giving me good references (I know they have already talked to one of my options giving me good reviews). I do think however they were understanding of my situation as they are both minorities. One an African American man and the other an Asian woman and they both confirmed the toxicity and discrimination against anyone minority that is becoming obvious in the rank and file civilian workforce.

It seems like everyone is taking the excuse of Trump in office to have no filters and to be as blatant about their racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, even non-Christians.

I am making sure to leave on the best foot possible. You never know if I will be in a pinch and need to work for the feds. I have worked long enough for them that I maintain the right to contact HR in any fed agency to see if they have a job opening that I qualify for. If they do I take preference over any competitive hires (and this is before the job even is announced to the public). I won’t be working there, but you never know if something changes.

I am nervous about this, a lot of changes and I will miss the money, I will miss a couple of the people, but I won’t miss the place. It went smoothly.

Posted in Events Health Transition

Stress Day… Freedom Day?

This morning is going to be big, I am giving my notice to the Department of Defense. I am probably committing career suicide with my changes. Transitioning even at its most successful will reduce my privilege by a lot, and if the transition isn’t as successful as I want then it will impact it even more.

That being said, I can’t work for the toxic Department of Defense. I listen to fellow auditors talk about “guys in dresses”, make fun of Caetlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning and just talk shit. I am fortunate, they have never talked shit about my husband who is FtM and they knew it, but “he was different then the rest” is how it feels coming from them.

My hubby got harassed a lot by certain members of management. They even sent out an email to there management saying that the hubby was “crazy because he had the lower surgery”. Hubby was brave, he filed a complaint and three weeks later the person in charge of the “investigation” said there was no proof it was harassment. The things that supervisor did would have gotten anyone fired anywhere (and it didn’t help that they were already under investigation for racist harassment of others).

That told me all I needed to know. I have been on hormones for a little over two months, and I can’t be here. If nothing else I need to stay sane, plus I am tired of participating in the production of weapon systems designed to kill others (usually in an unjust war on top of that). 

phobia

So the decision is good. I am going to have my soul reclaimed by doing this. However I will lose my seniority and probably not make that much money again. I am hoping I can earn half that with any jobs up coming (now there have been some frustrations on interviews as well, but that will be a different post).

We are moving to a cheaper apartment, and soon the husband will be the only one working. I am going to cash out my retirement and come close to paying off all our short term debt. If this occurs (the DoD/Fed government takes months to cash you out) it means he can support us, actually he can support us with only part of it paid off with my vacation payout.

I don’t mind being poor, but he is stressed, I am stressed and his car that we still make payments on but doesn’t have a warranty is having problems. I gotta figure something out. Maybe I can work from home if I can’t get hired on somewhere.

Well this is the start of my “Freedom Day”…. maybe? I will report back on how good or bad it went.

Posted in Events Health Internal Thoughts Transition

So much going on

I have been incredibly quiet, but not because I forgot to post here. There is a lot of things happening and to be honest I haven’t had the time.

Physically I am doing great. I feel so much better then I did before this process started. The hormones don’t seem to have any ill effect except the expected results of testosterone blockers (but nothing overall bad), just caught off guard, this will be a future post.

Bicalutamide
Bicalutamide an antiandrogen or testosterone blocker

I have lost more then 45lbs since March, and not from any specific diet, purely because I stopped eating junk food. I also think this ties into my mental state as well as I have way more energy.

Mentally the transition is also spectacular. I haven’t felt this good since I was a teenager. My depression symptoms have left and I feel better about everything. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of stress about quitting my job in three weeks and the fact I will at the minimum lose 30k a year for whatever job I do get (if I get one).

The job loss though I think is also contributing to this better feeling in its own way. The Department of Defense is incredibly toxic in general. The election of Trump and Pence has given informal permission to every bottom dwelling conservative who wants to discriminate a way to speak out about their hates.

I think leaving this job makes me feel better in general, and especially makes me feel better concerning the transition. There are a ton of other reasons I am glad to leave (pretty much everything but money) but that is the biggest one right now.

planhappiness

The other stressor is our move. We already have a place lined up, we should be ok financially to do the move, and if the hubby gets cashed out like he is supposed to it might even pay the car off. We even have it figured he can just break even supporting us both if I am unable to find a job.

It is a cheaper place, but with nice amenities, and close to the hubby’s work. I think it is a good place to start on our journey out of here both DoD wise, and Seattle wise.

There is a lot more going on, but that is enough for one post, will have to post about the other things separately.

Until then, take care.

Posted in Events Health Transition

Needless worry.

Well I guess that was a pointless worry. We did go up for the laser hair removal appointment and arrived early to meet my brother at a local diner… who was still passed out from the night before and didn’t show up. Yep, even after calling and texting we got nothing.

I guess that made it a real easy decision on what to say (as in nothing). So we had some biscuits and gravy and went on to the appointment.

The appointment itself went really well, they upped the laser wattage so it might be more effective this time, although it was pretty effective to begin with. We talked about electrolysis with the staff and just enjoyed the day.

We then came home and hung out in our bedroom. All in all a good day, and one that had a lot of needless worry going up to the leaving time.

Posted in Events Health Internal Thoughts Transition

Stressful morning, maybe coming out

This morning is highly stressful. I am going up to my old hometown to get my second session of laser hair removal on my face, and while I am there I am going to visit the parents’ grave and have breakfast with my little brother.

I am planning on telling him about my transition. Right now as it stands only my husband, one friend who is also transgender, my doctors and the laser hair removal people know. Since I still work for the Department of Defense (and will do it for at least six more weeks) I don’t dare go public. In addition I am not sure how public I will be until the hormones have worked the magic they have (at least as far as they can).

The reason I am considering coming out to be my brother is because he was very upset to find out after a lot of other people about my husband’s transition (from wife to husband). I love him, and I know he loves me and I want to give him a chance. He seemed hurt by it and my family was incredibly close growing up (probably inappropriately so).

My fear is he will totally blow it, freak out and then tell everyone else. He is fairly even keeled about a lot of things, but every once in awhile a childish streak comes out and he acts like a freaking out teenager.

I really want to believe he will keep it quiet, be happy and supportive. I think that is a possibility. Sadly the thing that freaks me out is he might not be. His own demons have been biting at him since our parents passed and sometimes he doesn’t make the best choices, especially concerning life decisions and sobriety.

I am worried he is going to lose his shit, tell others and bitch. To be honest it isn’t his freakout that is worrying me and making it hard to sleep, it’s the fact that if he does that he is out of my life and I already don’t talk with certain other members of my family. 

So this morning is stressful until we find out what direction this goes.

Posted in Events Health Internal Thoughts Transition

One Month HRT Anniversary

Well tomorrow is my one month anniversary on HRT and it has gone better then expected!

No huge changes physically, but you can see a closer to resemblance to my sister on my face at the right angles. I think my skin is getting softer and it is definitely drier. I need to remember to lotion, it seems so alien to me.

It is even more noticeable on my face where the laser removal did work. I only have done it once, I have four or five more appointments, but I have strips of dark beard that are gone permanently. Like I said though, the skin in the blank spots is WAY softer.

In addition since I decided to come out 8 weeks ago I have lost more then 30lbs. I started at 300 and I am down to 268. Faster then expected and I realize it will slow down, but still working on it. 

The biggest difference though is my mental condition. While I do occasionally feel a bit more emotional, I feel so much calmer in my head. The voices and doubt are less, I sleep WAY better and I am more comfortable with myself. My depression is gone and I want to go out and do things. Now some of this is the HRT and some is just coming out and accepting who I am, but I will give credit to both.

I am keeping an open mind on how this will all pan out. However, I am extremely fortunate because my husband is incredibly supportive and with him, the HRT and me being myself all results in my physical and mental health is drastically improving no matter the end result.

Posted in Health Transition

Positive unexpected physical changes

While I do like to post about some of my negative thoughts/feelings/experiences I also find it is very beneficial to posting about the positive changes since I came out. Primarily right now I am very pleased with my health. So I wanted to post about some of the unexpected physical changes (non-HRT related)

I already feel physically better. Since I came out on March 13th I have lost about 25lbs. I had gone into the doctor at the beginning of March for a work injury appointment and the scale hit 300lbs for the first time ever. Normally for the last 10 years my weight would rock between 280-296 or so, I thought I was safe. The depression I was in (maybe still a little) always had me aim for what was safe, which was completely different to who I was up until about age 37 (I am 46 now).

I know my hubby was worried when he saw the scale. Not that the weight is problem, he is always sexually attracted to me, but he knew how I would feel about it, and he was worried about my reaction. He was right, I felt crushed inside.

My reaction was simple, I knew something has to change, this isn’t working. I struggled for about a week trying to figure out what I could do to stop feeling like I was drowning. I had finally decided out of all the stresses I felt, my only option was to come out.

The reasons for this is that I couldn’t quit the job I absolutely hate. Right now there are a lot of debts, and while the hubby would be happy to support me and for us to just get by, I can’t let him struggle to support us. I couldn’t work out or try to get physical since my foot is still broken and the bike/pool is out of the question. So I went with the other thing that had been building for decades, I needed to come out (not unexpectedly to the hubby).

Ever since then things have been changing for my physically, even before HRT. I have done no physical exercises due to my foot. However, even with that, in the last 6 weeks I have lost 25lbs (started losing that weight 4 weeks before HRT). I did that purely by quitting eating sweets. and adjusting to approximately 2,000 calories (but not being too pushy with the calorie counting, that sets off other anxieties).

25lbs in 6 weeks is too fast, even with the normal 10-12 pounds of water weight. My target is 1.5lbs a week (and that is still very fast). However it seems the majority of my weight was being kept on by my stress eating, and the more I was at work the more I stress eat. Hell, even working from home I get cravings to eat more when I am working, as opposed to just watching TV. That is a sign of how much I don’t like my job, I emotionally eat when I am doing it.

So here I am down to about 275lbs or so, a weight I haven’t been at in ten years and I feel better physically then I have before. It makes me want to go out and do a lot more (which I can tell is only partially the weight change, also partially the depression being lifted. I am hoping in 2 weeks I will be out of the boot and I want to start using the exercise bike, and some weight training.

The bike I am aiming for 10 minutes a day, and see about increasing that 5 minutes every month or two (I am hoping monthly so by the end of summer I would hit it about 30 minutes a day). The reason for daily is so I can drill the habit into me, make it part of an every day routine and at a slow enough rate that I don’t just quit.

I realize 10 minutes to start seems like a why bother, that it will take me longer to get dressed, walk down to our gym and then walk back and get undressed, but its the repetition I need. However, it is a very small amount of time and something that can add to my habits.

The weight lifting is different then before. I don’t want to super bulk up, but I want to convert what fat I can to muscle, it raises your metabolism and maybe staves off some of the loss of strength from the HRT. Nothing super heavy or big, just smaller weights to keep things moving.

I am aiming big, I want to drop 120lbs from my March 3rd weight, and even out at 180lbs. I am already down 20% of that with only 95lbs to go. I realize it is a big goal, and I am prepared if it doesn’t happen and that is alright too. I also realize that sometimes it fluctuates. However I feel so much better being just 25lbs lighter that it helps with me wanting to go further.

I haven’t had this much energy in years, and whether its the weight or the depression is irrelevant to me. Whatever it is I want to continue and I think I will go with my plan as it is and see what adjustments need to be made.

 

Posted in Health Internal Thoughts Transition

Anxiety about nothing

You are correct, the following post is very close to the one I wrote on 3/22/18 Unreasonable Worry. I find by writing out these worries, even if they are repetitive that it helps me process, so if you find this a bit duplicative I apologize.

The last week or two I have been feeling a little more anxiety then normal when I wake up at night, but not in the same “normal” way. I don’t have that lost feeling of what am I supposed to be doing here, and I definitely don’t have the feeling I am just here to be able to sacrifice for someone else.

That last one seems weird I know, I will probably delve deeper later but the brief overview is I have always felt like my place was disposable. Not in a bad way that people treat me bad, more like an arrow in a quiver, ready to be used for what was needed and then it would be done. I realize this is probably some form of toxic masculinity, but it’s how I felt. I think this is the biggest cause of my anxieties, so maybe I do need to cover it more in the future.

Since coming out though I don’t really feel that way. I want to do more, I want to be there for my hubby more then just a life insurance policy. Frankly I didn’t realize how bad I had felt before. The hubby has really helped me a lot, and I do think the HRT is giving me the ability to think clearer.

My almost-new anxiety (well, its really just a remaking of an old anxiety of my hubby getting bored and leaving) is that my husband is going to be really disappointed in who he married. After all he married a pretty masculine looking guy, fairly ordinary and cisgendered. I know he was happy in our newly established same sex marriage after his transition. So know I am completely freaked out he is secretly disappointed and he isn’t happy now, or won’t be happy in the future.

Let me say that he has NEVER indicated this in words, action or inaction. He has always loved me, supported me and been happy with me. I know that logically, I have seen it, there is no doubt. However, that doesn’t change the small anxiety voices in my head that wake me up at 1am and make me lay in the dark thinking about it.

I worry that the femininity that I am growing into (well, more now then there originally was at least) is a turn off for him. I have that weird anxiety popping up when I think about looking like a woman both out and about with makeup, and especially naked in bed in my final form. It is a silly anxiety, and there is no truth to it. I just wish I could remember that at 1am when I am having an anxiety attack.

Posted in Events Health Internal Thoughts Transition

A quick update (day 8)

It has been a full week since I started HRT and things have been going really well. I have surprised myself by keeping up with the medication (I tend to slack, but this I have no desire to slack at all). So the medication has been great.

I haven’t had any side effects that I can tell. I might have some hormonal changes, but if there were any normal issues they were minor. I have had no stomach problems, and other then getting a warm rush the first couple of days I have taken it, there has been no other noticeable side effects. 

During this time my hubby went with me to Ulta and he bought me a bunch of stuff. Concealers, foundation, an Urban Decay pack and misc other things. It was a huge amount of makeup. I cannot tell you enough how fantastic he is. I am fortunate that not only does he accept me fully, but he used to have to use makeup daily, so with his help hopefully I won’t look too lost or too clownish when I try it on.

Speaking of trying it on, I did that last Saturday. I have done makeup before for costuming for games, but never for who I am. It caught me off guard.  It was both a liberating and crushing experience.

I normally don’t have too bad of dysphoria. I know I  am trans, I know I am supposed to be in a feminine body, but up until recently I didn’t think I could try the transition because of how masculine I am. The makeup was my first real big sense of that dysphoria.

I had two problems. The first problem was that the makeup felt right, and it made me feel like I had been missing something that I hadn’t realized I was missing. I dislike feeling I missed out on anything. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to explore much with this and it will happen more, and of course I will have a weird feeling about it every time.

The second part was my first full blown dysphoria of my current features. I normally dislike how I look, but nothing too gut wrenching. Staring at myself in the mirror though, I couldn’t get past how horrible I felt looking at myself with the makeup. I felt like a liar, ugly and I should give up immediately.

It was the first time I had such a gut wrenching reaction and it stunned me. I haven’t touched the makeup since then, but I think this upcoming weekend I might give it a try. I do have to say last Sunday I woke up and I still had most of the eyeliner on and I thought it looked good. That was the first time with real makeup on that I thought it might be ok.

So many contrary feelings, so much drama! I just still have to settle with myself about the dysphoria, which I am sure will be a recurring thought here. No matter what I think I am done writing right now. I will post about the makeup and probably the dysphoria more in the future.

See you next time!

Posted in Events Health Transition

1st Day Taking HRT (day 1)

Today is the day, I am taking HRT for the first time!

IMG_9210
My first dose 4/4/18

I am both excited and terrified. I am incredibly excited for my future and how I can express who I am. I am terrified of how this will impact my husband and our ability to make a living. He is completely supportive, and I am especially fortunate he understands since he went the other way.

I had to go pick up the meds today and so at 0830 I was there waiting for my script. The pharmacy tech was really nice and got me my meds fast. The weird part was no one talked to me about the meds or any instructions. 

The reason this is weird is the pharmacies always require us to listen to a pharmacist. Last Monday I was picking up vitamin D and they made me wait around for the pharmacist to tell me how to take it (even though I was already taking it). Yet for a hormone that is my first time receiving, nothing from a pharmacist.

This isn’t a big deal at all, was just a surprise. The tech was really nice though and asked if I was just starting and I said yes. He smiled broadly and wished me luck.

So I got home and since its twice a day I waited until the evening time for the dosage. That way I could take it with my hubby there. He was very supportive as well and I felt pretty safe.

Oh, and only a slight bit of indigestion after taking it (having eaten some KFC).

I am a fortunate girl, I think it might be a wild ride but I am looking forward to the rest of my life.