Crisis of Faith?

Well I finally fell asleep about 3am. I really think my worries about my parents growing old and what is going to happen is most likely still some stress from school, bad diet (not that I am on a diet, bad food habits), caffiene withdrawal and not enough vitamins.

Please forgive the following ranting, I have just woke up and am still bleary eyed so I am not sure how much sense this will make when I wake up, but it makes sense now.

I also think I am having a small crises of faith. I get worried when I am stressed on what will happen to my wife, parents, siblings and friends after they die. Weirdly enough I don’t feel as concerned about myself, except that I have selfish feelings, I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to have to miss them. I don’t want to lose my wife forever after this is over. I am not talking about a heaven/hell thing, I just mean part of me thinks its unfair I only get a certain time with her, my parents and my friends.

I realize that sounds funny as hell, and normally I dont even worry or think about it, but this quarter for some reason its been bothering me. I guess this has plagued man all of eternity, the foreknowledge of dying. I guess I am partially worried my wife is right and this is the end of things, although honestly I guess if its over after this I wont notice too much :).

I am  partially worried the Christians or other monotheistic religions are right and there is a judgmental being that will separate family/friends/loved ones because they wont kneel to him/her/it in supplication and obey rules instead of judging on who is truly a good soul.

Ok, here is my rant about Christianity/Catholicism/Monotheism of any type. Having been raised Catholic (with bouts as buddhist for 5 years, and other Christian churches for a few sessions each). I originally believed in God, Jesus, the devil all of that. As I grew older I realized the hypocrisy that all churches have.

I have yet to see a church that doesn’t “make money” off of people. Don’t get me wrong, I believe they need to be able to make enough to keep going, but I have never seen a poor preacher who has a congregation, not ever. All I hear from ALL monotheistic religions is that if you don’t “believe” in a single way of doing things, if you wont kneel and be subservient and go to church then your going to hell. I would think that a divine being of goodness would base thier whole judgement on a person’s goodness (which I believe is how you treat others). My believing that most Christians/other Monotheistic followers are hypocrites is the fact they preach goodness, but tell my wife she is going to hell because she is not Christian.

Its funny because they do good things in order to get into heaven, the wife does good things because she likes people (ignore her rumblings, she has an incredibly generous heart when people are in need). But according to these people they will go to heaven because they are being good (purely for the reason of going to heaven, seems kinda selfish if thats the only reason they are good) and she goes down because she doesn’t follow thier religion.

Now I have been happily surprised by some “individual” followers of Monotheism, some of them have shown me generousity above and beyond and I dont believe they do it for an end, but they are good people. What frustrates me is the dogma of these churches, not the individuals in the churches (ok, some individuals frustrate me even more).

I realized my ranting is going off on a tangent so I will try and pull it back. I am worried that either
A). There is nothing after this, but I guess thats moot once I die, I wont notice and it will just be over, or
B). There is a jealous god/goddess/thing that because my family tends to be less then religious will split us up so we never see each other again.

I think what bothers me the most is I want to believe in something, I want to believe there is a a good place everyone goes to, there is actually very few people in history that I think deserves a hell, how can someone be judged if they do something horrible for only one lifetime, what if thier circumstances of when/where/how they were born dictate they have to behave in a bad manner, hell why could a divine being of good judge someone who has mental illness and does horrible things because of it, that they deserve eternal torment. It doesn’t seem fair.

Actually that last part is probably the crux of my problem with most religions. How is it fair to judge anyone as “beyond redemption” because either they dont believe in a church (but are good people) or because they are born into unfair circumstances that they do bad things. How can eternal damnation be that easy to give? Hell honestly I would think its unfair for even someone like Hitler to go to eternal hell. Yes he caused suffering but he obviously was suffering from mental illness/syphillis/etc. 

Now there is a way around this, some eastern religions is that maybe we are judged on more then one life, I could understand if someone was an evil bastard for more then one life, maybe the soul is corrupt and deserves to go to hell. But I believe that would be a fairer way to judge the mettle of someone. The eastern religions believe we redo this life until we get it right. 

Actually in the end thats what I hope this is about, we come back and keep doing the “living” thing til we get it right and then we can move on. This quarter I have been having problems with my personal beliefs, not that I dont believe them anymore, just fears instilled in me by Christianity and the guilt have made me second guess myself.

My whole belief (is usually at least) that we have all been here before (we dont repeat the same life, yes I do believe in “past lives” and no I wasn’t an Egyptian Pharoah, I dont think at least). I believe the same “souls” meet each other and thats why certain people even upon meeting them for the first time I believe I have known them for a long time.

I am positive my wife and I have been together before (more then once at that). I believe my friends and family have been together in different variations before and actually I do sometimes have dreams of past places/times and I sometimes wonder if thats a memory or maybe its a “cellular” memory from an ancestor. I do believe some form of “reincarnation” exists.

That was one of the hard things to try and accept as a Catholic, that we only get one life, one chance to do it right, it always seemed to me unfair that eternity is based on a single set of years ranging from 1 to 80. Even 80 years seems like such a small time to lay eternal damnation on someone for actions. 

Actually I guess in the end I am agnostic, I do believe there is something good (no matter how hard I try to think nothing is there), I do believe there is something bad there, whether thats an outer being of evil, or the flaws in us individually I am not sure of. I am trying to restore my belief that there is something after this life, I realize that this sounds weird, but I hope all things have an afterlife (including animals/pets, I sit here staring at my humongous cat above my monitor and I think it would be a shame if this was it for the little guy).

I think thats where the chink in my “crisis of faith” its not that I don’t believe there is something good, I just am scared that the Christians/Monotheistic people are right and it is a judgemental being, or that the atheists are right and thats it, its over (but I don’t think the atheists are right about there not being a divine being/or beings, I don’t think the Romans/Celts/Greeks/Japanese/Just about every other non-monotheistic culture are necessarily wrong). I could accept a pantheistic view, especially after my classes with Rabbi Oblath.

My belief in the churches of monotheism were shaken when I took a class with a rabbi that explained how the old testament was written and how current modern day peoples mis-interpret what is going on (Hebrew religious texts are very exact in what the meanings are, he was explaining). I figure since “his” religion and people wrote the old testament they would have a clearer understanding of things then the churches that took it over. There are so many examples that I will rant with at a latter time (Adam had multiple wives, god in the garden speaking with other beings of equal level, etc). But all of those require a lot of ranting each so no space here.

I guess in the end, I just am worried that the conservative religious people are right, but then again if they are right the being that demands worship and obediance isn’t truly good and they are being fooled. IF that was the case (and I hope its not) then maybe it is better to Reign in Hell then serve in heaven.

Ok, that was a really long winded rant, I think it helped me to write it out, I feel less worried about things now. Even though I feel my rant isn’t done, I need to stop, it was a long time in writing and in the end its just better if I get some breakfast and get ready for going down to my parents house.

Dream III

Ok, I am tired of the whole waiting for my grades. I had another nightmare, though as I sit here awake at 530am now its not so bad.

I dreamt I was in a car (driving it) and on a freeway. I was with several faceless people (not actually faceless, I just never saw who they were). I noticed up ahead everything crawled to a stop due to a semi that jackknifed across two of the three lanes of traffic. There was a free third lane that occasionally people in my lane would use to get around it.

Well as I sat there I noticed the front of my vehicle was equipped with the cop crash plates in the front, you know the big spring like things that are in front of cop cars so they can ram into you (I want to call it a ram  plate, but thats Car Wars thought pattern). Well I then looked up when I noticed in front of me (there was nothing in front of me the moment before) a cop car with a fat ass old cop in the front seat.

Now I was inching along at less then 1 mile an hour, it was that inching that happens when people are supposed to stop but get impatient. At this point I realize something strange, the cop car is facing me, not the back end, but the front end, hence why I could see the old fat cop so well. Then the bumper of my car barely touches his car (so softly in fact I could have probably touched a toddler with the front end of my car and not even moved the toddler). However I see that as I touch his car, his car bounces back as if hit at 50 miles an hour (no damage to the car, it just shoots straight back) and it rolls into the other lane. I think to myself, holy shit I just ran into a cop car.

As I calm myself down, I look up and for some reason another semi is traveling in the opposite direction down that one clear lane on my side of the road, it nails the police car at about 100 miles an hour and the cop car gets pushed out of site behind me. This is where my freak out comes on. All I can think is I just killed a cop, so I pull around and go back to where the crash ended up.

When I get there, the cop car has ended up somehow in the back of the semi trailer. Cops are here now (dont know how it happened in like 2 seconds, but its a dream) and all of us where in the back of the truck. Wierdly enough the car is in pretty good shape, but the drivers seat and back seat behind the driver are gone as if he was hit so hard it blew the seat out of the car. We searched around the inside of the trailer, when the truck driver opens this trapdoor below near the car in the truck in order to see if the cop’s body is in the wheel assembly/axle.

Well, he isn’t there, then a thought dawns on me, the impact could have easily pushed the  seat into the trunk through the back seat, as we went to look to see if the cop’s body was I woke up not happy.

Now that I have had time to write it out, I feel much better and exhausted, I dont think I am going back to bed due to the fact that my aunt will be up in a few hours and I was going to get up in an hour any ways. 

Damn I hate worrying about school.

Another Dream

Yes, you have to endure another dream, I might eventually open a different account so people dont have to read them if they dont want.

I dreamt I had my parent’s fish tank (they had given me all the fish they have plus the 50 gallon tank, which btw they are trading me for, me and the wife have a old camcorder we don’t use). So here I had this huge tank. There were a lot more fish though, then what my parents have in real life (my parents currently have 3 huge goldfish (over a foot long each), a Picastumus and a catfish. It had these weird underwater tentacle things, sorta like sea anemones.

I added a small fish to the tank then all of a sudden these two fish/vegetation creatures went berserk and started killing the other fish in the tank (there were a lot of different little fish, with some of the types featured in Little Nemo, such as the types of fish Dorrie and the scarred fish). Realizing the fish were  being attacked I mentioned it to my dad (who just happened to be standing with me) and he just reached in, grabbed the first “vegetation creature” and tossed it out of the tank where it died quickly (that one kinda looked like it was a bramble bush).

He then reached in and grabbed the tentacled one (the bramble one was white, the tentacled one was purple, or at least what my color vision says is purple at least), as he grabbed it tried to grab him back with the tentacles. He threw it out of the tank, when it landed on the tiled floor (but it was in my old texas st. apt which is all carpet) it skittered and ran off (I think it eventually died in the other room). Just as I was waking up my father turned to me and said he didn’t know what kind of fish those were, they just “came with the tank”.

Wierd dream huh?

Other then that, today I have to study more calculus and go see my parents and then study more calculus then play in a CS match and then study even more calculus. Even with all this study, doesnt mean it will help me with Prof Naylor’s test.

thats it for the morning.

Another Wierd Dream

Ok here it is, I had a dream last night that bothered me. It started out with me being washed up on the shores of Japan. It must have been early times and it sorta was a cross between Last Samurai and Shogun. There wasn’t any sort of fighting though, or war, rather it was kinda peaceful and nice until finally a person from the U.S. found me. 

They gave me a single person raft with a set of sails (it was closer to a canoe, but same idea that your butt was exposed to the water via lashed together logs. LOL it doesnt make sense but thats a dream for you. Then I dreamt I took a cat with me and sailed all the way back to the West Coast, then by using rivers I sailed all through upper Canada until I got to the east coast.

Upon reaching the east coast I found my parents. Upon landing the cat I took with me demanded I feed it 5 kittens because it had not eaten the whole entire time across. I was kinda dumbstruck but I got the impression I knew I might get a request like that. So I had a bag of kittens, and I couldn’t give up most of the kittens because they were cute and reminded me of Orpheus (my current cat in real life) or Isabelle (my parents current cat), but the cat (which now appeared like a kitten itself) was able to get a few of them, leaving kitten parts all over.

After some time of dinking around in the dream I noticed my mother had a bunch of little bites on her and she was starting to get sick. I asked her what happened and she said something about being bitten (I am having a hard time remembering what she said) I told her to go see a doctor and was worried it was the cat I brought with me, even though the bites on her looked like bird bites. I then left to go do something but immediately woke up a little stressed by the dream and a little disorientated.

Now the dream is starting to slip away, I just wanted to write down as much as possible about it before it was gone.

It was a good dream to start with but by the end was a nightmare, I guess I am glad I dont remember the last of it or why it bothered me so much.

Well, I gotta get ready for the Wife’s sister. She is coming over to pick me up so I can help her get started on her DSHS paperwork.

Anxiety, Insomnia and a Weird day.

Well here it is, 4am and I have just woke up with an anxiety attack/weird dreams. Even though its about other things I am sure the anxiety attack/waking up/insomnia is because its awfully warm, because my caffiene addiction hasn’t been satiated and because I am worried about my grades.

I had a weird day yesterday. Woke up from weird dreams, got up and puttered around the house with a food hangover and waited for my sister to show up to pick up the mattress. Of course she was  late but this was expected. She showed up with my little brother Derek and we commenced trying to move the queen size mattress into my sister’s van.

It was rather like keystone cops, the rain was pouring down, gusts of wind up to 45mph (not joking) and it took us over 20 minutes to get it into the van, in the end I got stuck between the seat and the van but managed to after some time slip out of the seat. Fortunately the spouse was laughing too much to remember to get the camera until it was over.

So we traveled down to my parent’s neighbor (who we are taking the mattress to for free just to get it out of my house). We spend another ten minutes wiggling it out of the van with much carnage and in the wind and rain we finally got it to our neighbor’s porch. Right in front of our neighbor’s porch is an extremely smooth area, my feet being wet made it a slippery ride and I ended up twisting my ankle (still hurts too).

Upon completion we went over to my parents for awhile, ankle hurting, cold, wet and rainy. Being a non-smoker of course all the smoke in the room came to me and  my allergies kicked up. Then me and  Derek decided to go see Gothika, we have my sister drop me and him off at the “mall” area (not an actual indoor mall, just where the theater, foodstore, rite-aid were). After going to the grocery store,  picking up snacks we went and bought tickets and waited in the lobby of the theater. We were told that the room wasn’t ready yet and we waited, by the time the movie was supposed to start we had heard the movie place workers talking about blood, someone bleeding, they had called the cops, etc. It seemed like something was going down.

About 10 minutes later as many people waited to go see the movie in the lobby they decided to cancel the movie. I was pretty unhappy due to the fact we had spent over an hour total waiting for the movie, we would have to wait another 30 minutes for the bus and then another 30 minute bus ride. What a waste of a day. We would have just gone to a later showing but we had a CS match that evening (last night, which we won by the way).

So fast forward us at the bus stop, we had been there over 15 minutes in the howling rain/wind. Then along comes two drunks. a drunk white guy and his Indian woman. So drunk off thier ass they could barely walk (and when they got to the bus stop they just reeked of alcohol and were drinking some Steel Reserve, nasty. Then I looked down and noticed the guy was bleeding like a stuck pig from his hand, I am not talking a little blood, seriously his white shoes were almost a solid red across the top of them.

He refused to listen to his wife/girlfriend about covering the cut and he just tossed a large white set of tissues that were crimson over most of the tissues themselves. I asked them if they had been to the theater and they smiled and said yes, they went and saw Gothika earlier in the day. So here was the reason I had wasted almost an hour before the “Movie” and now another hour after the movie due to its being cancelled.

The bus arrived, Derek told the bus driver that the guy behind us was drunk and bleeding. She refused to let him on board and told him he needed to take care of a bleeding injury like that because it was a bio-hazard. I shit you not, he was still bleeding like a stuck pig (drinking alcohol tends to make you bleed more, guess he had a lot of alcohol).

Well eventually he and his girlfriend left but the bus driver had to stay where she was while she cleaned up all the blood he had leaked on the front entrance to the bus (the hand rail, the steps, the door). So she was almost  15 minutes late getting back on route because of the same asshole that made me not see my movie. And people wonder why I dont drink.

Well later that night we played Counter-Strike as our first match known as the Bad News Bears (first 5v5 match at least) we won and that was good.

Then Derek (who was staying the night) found out my sister did have his money she borrowed but he had to go out to her, so he had to leave (and couldnt spend the night because of it) because my sister wont necessarily have the money if he waits. So it screws our plans up to see the movie. A perfect ending for a weird day full of disaster “Bradley Style”.

You will notice that my post has become very short at the end of the last two paragraphs. Thats because I am now exhausted and am going back to bed and seeing if I can sleep a couple of hours.

Early Morning Rambling

Things are going pretty well, today I have to go with my dad for an MRI on his back but everyone seems in pretty good spirits.

Last night I had a dream I haven’t had in over a decade. I dreamt I had joined the priesthood. Now here is a little background, I grew up Catholic (Irish Catholic, the priest we were closest too had some pagan type ideas and I have since found out its a “Irish” tendency to lump in weird things) I honestly don’t think its an Irish thing anymore, I think rather its a tradition that may have started with the Irish but has become more of a Poor Catholic sorta belief.

When I was growing up, I had always considered the priesthood, this sounds wierd but my parents told me they would totally support that decision when I was younger (the reason looking back this sounds wierd is my family is comprised of Bikers, Nam Vets and criminals, but the whole family would have accepted that, and would have been completely supportive).

Between the ages of 17-20 I had seriously considered attending a Seminary (the only time in that time period it wasn’t something I considered was when me and Sage (my wife) were going out the first time. When she dumped me I almost immediately joined but fortunately for my current circumstance my father talked me out of it and told me I should wait until it wasn’t a reaction from a breakup. Sage and I got back together so it was a moot point, but its something I have always considered when I was younger.

Last night I dreamt something happened to Sage (not a break up situation, more like a death I believe) and I joined the seminary after whatever happened, happened. Now that I am awake and writing this down most of the dream is disappearing like smoke, but I felt I should write down what I could.

I think it made an impression on me because I haven’t even considered myself following Catholicism for a long time. I have strayed for a long time from the church and I honestly don’t think I can go back. There is so much hypocrisy in the church, not only the church but all of Christianity is built on hypocrisy. Don’t get me wrong, the message is a wonderful message full of love and I am not at all faulting the message. Rather I am faulting the religious hierarchy for becoming a bloated, hypocritical bastard that has nothing to do with the religious belief and who instead of promoting the word of love now promotes intolerance.

This goes for all actual churches, Christianity, Islam, Judaism all are hypocrites, all of these religions have become shadows of what the “word” is. They all teach the opposite of their base beliefs and I totally have become disgusted with all Monotheisms.

Actually thinking about this, I think all of this thought pattern may have sprung from watching the Hercules marathon yesterday on sci-fi channel. Yesterday I sat watching and thought how much more relaxing it would be to believe in a pantheon of gods, all who had human foilables and you could understand why god/nature/destiny could be cruel and/or kind.

I have considered looking deeper into Paganism, my only problem with that is most of the current groups in  my area do the “new age” paganism, they mix the different deities together in prayers and worship (like I have heard several members of a local group at the same time they offer to Diana, Demeter, Pele, Inana) The funny thing is these groups don’t realize that the goddesses/gods they worship in historical context were believed to be highly jealous of each other and it would have been an insult to worship them together.

I hate the “new age” movement, I would rather some old fashioned paganism as in worshiping only one pantheon and kinda sticking to something “old” rather then reinventing old religions into a mishmash of separate deities into one worship. New age also bothers me (at least the group around here) with the “man bashing” they tend to be middle aged women who are bitter with men and in their “circles” do the same exact thing to men that they are bitter were done to them.

Sexism is just wrong either way, both sexes have something to offer and I dont think having a penis makes you better or worse then not having one.

hmm, my family was buddhist for 5 years, that went nicely, maybe I will look into buddhism.

Well bus is coming, have to run, sorry to only get half a thought down, just rambling today.

*note from 9/2018… wow I had some entitled man privilege there about sexism on both sides…

Tired

Once again 4am I was awake with nightmares, after about an hour and the wife getting up and punching me for waking up I finally fell back to sleep. Of course I woke up at 7am again with another nightmare, its kinda bizarre though. They aren’t “bloody chainsaw death” type nightmares, rather just dreams of my friends and family passing away.

I think its probably the stress and anxiety causing this considering no one I know who I dreamt about dying will probably die for another 20 years at least if not longer. I think its just upcoming school, living situation changing, work (gave notice) and overall stress, not eating well and not going to sleep at a decent time. Oh and not enough caffiene, that always gets me.

I also wonder if its because I am working through not ever having kids. I have been reading some webstuff about couples who decide not to have kids and I think I am working through all the dogma I have ever heard about not having kids. The biggest dogma crap thing I hear about is how if you dont have kids you will die alone.

Well since the wife worked in a nursing home I have heard stories on how “respectful” children can be, mostly by asking if they can take thier parents off life support so they can just get it over with (it didnt sound like they were concerned about pain and suffering of thier parent, rather they wanted to inherit stuff before all the money was gone). Or worse yet, I have seen many older people put in nursing homes and then forgotten by thier kids. It seems to me such a horrible waste for kids to do that to thier parents but it looks like even if you have kids you still may die alone, or even worse, die with them saying nasty things and hoping you will die.

I guess its not so bad to not have kids, besides we are going to be the rich and crazy uncle/aunt for our nieces and nephews. LOL buying thier love with exotic trinkets, spoil them rotten and send them home. Plus there is a possible daughter I have out there but the mother never let me verify it when we broke up :(.

I guess I am just in a melancholy mood, I hate feeling alone.

Early Wakeup

Well woke up just before 5am, due to anxiety dreams about my parents getting old and dying (and me getting old and being alone). I been having these on and off all fall. I think its partially because I am not working and worried about money.

Partially I think my subconcious is mourning that I will never have kids. Dont get me wrong, I am totally happy with just me and the wife but society pounds the whole idea of must having kids into your head so much I think this is one of the reasons why I have the dreams.

I also believe its because of school. I am stressed about my math class, and I am stressed that this is taking so long. I am sooo tired of hours of study but not a dime in paycheck :).

The final reason I think I am getting the dreams is for the first time in over a decade my parents are taking care of themselves. Before this they always needed money, or help or something, but for the last 3 months they have been doing better then me and my wife. LOL its almost the same thing parents go through when thier kids dont need thier help, grow up and move away.

Never mind me, just rambling.

Dreams Again

I woke up from another bizarre dream. It wasn’t a bad or horrible dream, just a strange dream.

I dreamed I got hired (while still going to school) at this furniture/prop making company. I got the impression we made props for movies (but I got other impressions later). It was a strange little company, they had no outside advertising, no big signs, nothing. After getting hired on the spot (I just walked in to fill out an application) I noticed that outside teh building was a huge pit of white powder (no I didnt think it was coke). I went out and was looking at it when some local neighborhood kids started riding thier bikes through it. The management freaked out about contamination (yet it was just sitting in the open it in open air). They kicked the kids out.

I went back inside, I still hadn’t heard how much I am making, I wondered back and forth and no one would tell me what we make, yet they were concerned I might not be happy. I got the blowoff by the guys in charge for awhile (I just wandered aimlessly). The big boss said hi and said the line I would be working on sometimes has female movie stars come in (to pick up furniture, or to work or what I didnt know). I then got told that they wouldn’t because we would be moving the next day.

When asked why, they said they were moving the building to a new location (I also found out that as they used the “white product” they had to move thier kitchen around so as it got used up, the kitchen got moved closer to areas that had the supplies. They told me that the female stars wouldnt be coming because they were not telling anyone where they were moving. I also realized that most of the people who worked at this small building actually lived there as well.

I became concerned I would have to live there as well. I then met Nathan (Zath from my clan) he was cool, he worked there and said it was an ok place. Then my new bosses told me I could choose to work 2 10 hour days, or 2 14 hour days but only monday through friday to pick from. I got worried because I still went to my current classes and wasn’t sure if I could arrange that around my classes.

Then my alarm clock woke me up this morning (I am getting up early to wake my little brother up to go to work.

Yes it was a strange dream, but the reason I am writing it down is that it was startling clear dream, very focused and very detailed. Strange……

Other then that, I have to get up, start on my lab for Ada and at least make an attempt before I give up 🙂

Have a good day.

Weird Dream

I had this dream last night. I was out in the desert and it was during WWII I believe. The whole setup was kinda like the game Battlefield 1942, except it was more realistic (I guess thats because I studied alot about WWII when I was younger).

I was sitting with a bunch of other people when we were attacked. The area was a few buildings and a bunch of cavelike things we could hide in. I ran around, shot a few things and finally hid out in a trench inside a cave (there was more then just me). This is also when I realized the people attacking us were Americans (I guess I was German, but my uniform and weapons were not quite right for that.

Well while I was hiding in the trench the Americans were slowly looking for us. I was hunkered down and I realized I was holding what I thought was a white cat. But it had a lot of features like a ferret as well. I was holding it tight to my chest so it couldnt make a noise (I got the sudden impression it was with the enemy looking for me and I didnt want it to alert others).

Then I realized that one of the Americans knew we were around there and kept wandering around the cave and the trench (everytime he walked around I would sneak to a different part of the trench). I realized the person looking for me was a priest, which worried me even more and I kept squeezing the cat/ferret thing tightly and biting it to make it stay quiet. I couldnt seem to get myself to kill it outright.

I woke up feeling bad I hurt the animal.

I am sure there is a lot to this dream I dont remember. I just thought I needed to write this down whe I woke up so I got up to do so. Looking at it now I am not sure it was a big deal to do so. I wake up alot from bad dreams that I want to write down but I dont and then it seems I have bad dreams on the same subject for long periods of time. I am thinking this may help.

The wierd thing, I wouldnt have considered the dream iself bad, it was very PG rating for the violence, the fear was real but what I really felt bad was about hurting the white cat/ferret/ratlike thing I was holding.