April 13

First, this may be a long set of postings, its mostly done this morning to work things out in my head. Its four AM and I woke up with anxiety/insomnia. True I fell asleep about 10pm, so its not really a full lack of sleep, rather its that I got up earlier then I want. I wonder if part of the problem is I took two benadryl, this is the second night in a row I doubled my benadryl and the second morning in a row I woke up earlier then normal. Its partially I fall asleep earlier, I just thought it might make me sleep longer, doesn’t seem to do that.

I woke up from a dream this morning at 4am. It was a few years from now and I was working as a social worker and pretty happy with my life. Evidently I had gone back to school and gotten a Masters in social services. I think that may be just the stress, but I have always liked helping people. It was a pretty cool dream, my wife, family, friends, a job I enjoyed.

Work is in a pretty weird situation. I put in 105 hours the first ten days of this month, it has been pretty exhausting. Friday afternoon I finished up my “MGOR” (must go out return) and was told I wouldn’t be assigned anymore because I was going to be a runner. I was a bit worried because running doesn’t add to my “chargeable hour” goal of 140 hours of work between the 1-15th of April. They explained it wouldn’t reflect badly on me since I was acting as a courier. So I did some “running” of packages Friday afternoon and had a good deal of fun. They then asked if I could make a run down to Tumwater on Saturday. At first I said yes, but realized it was 75 miles each direction, and honestly my truck isn’t up to that. I don’t want to kill my truck for work so I explained it to them that I couldn’t do it. No biggie, the head admin told me she would like me to come in Saturday, but since she wasn’t sure what time the deliveries would happen to call at 10am.

So I called at 10am, was told she wouldn’t need me Saturday, evidently enough auditors are in that they didn’t have enough work. I was pretty stoked, it meant I had an actual weekend off. After a couple of hours I realized I didn’t know what time she wanted me to come in Monday, so I called back. She then told me she wouldn’t need me as a runner at all. This means I am not sure what the hell I am going to be doing Monday. For some reason I have a bad feeling about this. I am wondering if one of my original assertions that they hired too many people is accurate and that they would be “thinning the herd” after tax season. No one has told me my job is in jeopardy (and I haven’t done anything wrong) but there is a niggling feeling in the back of my head.

This reminds me of last week there was an issue. One of the families asked to take a deduction that is flat out not possible (its sort of a long convoluted story, figure I wont bore you with IRS Code Sections). It was so obviously not possible that my professor (an ex-IRS agent) quizzed us on it several times. I told my “reviewer/specialist” we couldn’t take it, we even looked up the Revenue Code and it backed what I said. I checked the return after I passed it up the ladder a few days later and found out we had taken the deduction anyways (to appease the client, it must have been changed after I had finished my prep). That made me feel unclean, even though I technically am not signing the return and its not my responsibility.

Another note is when I delivered that package on Friday, the receptionist/secretary told me “off the record” that she would recommend I work for a different accounting firm. Evidently her firm (which is a conglomerate of multiple partnerships/LLC’s) was waiting for work promised 10 days before and are thinking of moving to a different company. A lot of issues had come up, and they don’t necessarily have a good rep.

This combined with other little factors makes me wonder if my original assumptions back in October were correct and this wasn’t necessarily the best choice. I do think it was a good decision on some aspects, it got heresyoftruth medical insurance, so she will be going in to have the hyperthyroid testing in ten days, and it gave me a tax season under my belt as a public accountant, which also underlined that I don’t like being a public accountant. Its a good learning experience, I learned I don’t like 70+ hour weeks for ten or more weeks at a time. Especially learning that I will be expected to work more hours as I get more experience. I know some of my coworkers look at me weird, but I don’t want to make a ton of money if it costs me 1/4 to 1/3 of my life. I don’t like sacrificing time with my wife, family and friends in order to make a large amount of money. I enjoy my life, and you really can’t put a price tag on family and friends, its something that has just been reinforced by my experience this tax season. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind working OT occasionally, if its not regular, its just not the knowledge that every year I will sacrifice three to five months (depending on deadlines, etc). Its just not worth it to me.

In other news I put in an application yesterday with the Washington State Auditors as an Assistant State Auditor. That means three job apps this week (IRS, DCAA and WA SAO). This is just the start, there are several more fed, state and even local government agencies I want to apply with (even a couple non-profit places, but those are low enough pay I am not sure I could support my wife and our student loans on the wages from them).

Well I sort have lost my wind doing this, so I will wrap it up. ciao.

/edit: I just did another app with the Air Force as a staff accountant.

Days left…13

Days left of hell: 13

Dream Stuff

First lets cover the dream. I had a strange dream that involved me, heresyoftruth, and some random people. It felt like it was taking place somewhere in early 20th century (maybe even late 19th). We were both quite a bit older (probably late 50’s or more).  We were going to medical school. We had somehow snuck past the entry requirements and heresyoftruth was there purely to show that a woman could do it.

Then it switched to heresyoftruth and myself living in a farmhouse. I get the impression it was the same dream, it was just when we were home. We both went downstairs to clean it out, carrying oil lanterns. It was a very tiny set of stairs and down below felt very old, filled with rats and snakes. Funnily enough there was a shadow of Orpheus tracking us, he seemed to be scaring off some of the rats/mice, and I kicked the remaining vermin away. Thats pretty much where it ended (or at least where my memory of it now ends).


The other thing I just wanted to comment on was how wonderful my wife is. She takes care of me, is supportive and is an awesome person. I don’t need anything else in this world. The fact that she puts up with my insanity with this overtime, and my inability to focus is just that much more I owe her for.

Tax Job Schedule

Yesterday went really really well. I ran a Shadowrun game that lasted about 8-9 hours after a late start. Unfortunately it ended up with ashcake and talkswithwind getting out of here late, but hopefully they will forgive me for it. The game had a pretty good pace, and I enjoyed the RP, even though it looks like at some point there might be a throw down between members (actually I think things have been smoothed over partially, til after the next couple of runs, hopefully by then differences will be worked out). I have put in an hour or so of working on system mechanics today, with having a full group of people interested it really does energize me to work on things.

Work went well this week. At the end of my shift Friday I was given two actual tax assignments (simple things) but no one was able to show me how to get the returns and get our programs to start running them. That means when my peer advisor gets in on Monday he will show me. Friday I started my shift just a little bit before 7am, got out at 3:30pm and was home just a couple minutes after 4:00pm. I am trying to get in the habit of going in early, because during busy season (starting February) I am going to have to work long days, I am hoping by coming in earlier I will be able to get out somewhere around 6 or 7pm, not 8-9pm. Although I am thinking maybe sticking to going in at 8, that way I can match hours with heresyoftruth better. So I guess I am saying thats still sort of up in the air.

Oh, I found out what the “chargeable hours goals” for my position are. These are the number of hours per month my company would like working on actual client returns (they bill the clients by how many hours I spend on it, somewhere around $250-$300 an hour starting out – more for more detailed work, of course I don’t quite see 10% of that, but hey I hear there are bonuses). So these hours do not represent going to meetings, checking email, doing any company work. Now, these numbers do not include the 160 hours of paid time off I get, and unfortunately I cannot take that paid time off during busy seasons and this does not include normal office duties that aren’t chargeable. I believe if you come close but do not make your goal, nothing bad happens, and I heard rumor when you make your goal you get good bonuses, I will find out and report back next week.

  • January 80 hours (easy to do, two weeks at full time work can cover this)
  • February 235 hours (since I want one day off a week to recharge – Sundays, it means this has to be spread over 20 weekdays and 4 saturdays, thank god for leap year). This comes out to about 20- 11 hour days and four four hour days. This is honestly not too bad, I can stay a little less then 11 hours a weekday and work a little more on saturdays, but its about 58 hours a week, still tough. No vacation time is possible during this month.
  • March 275 hours (21 weekdays, and 5 saturdays), this comes out to about 65 hours a week (plus an extra two days at a total for 15 hours). I am thinking I am going to have to work 12 hour weekdays at least, that way Saturdays are 8 or less hours. No vacation time is available this month.
    April 1-15 135 hours (11 weekdays and 2 Saturdays) this comes out exactly like above, 12 hour weekdays and two Saturdays to make up the time. The unfortunate part is my time for these two weeks may even go higher if we are behind as a company. No vacation time is available these two weeks.
  • April 16-30 75 hours, less then full time so by working just ten shifts I can get this. Plus at this point I can start taking vacation time. I might take a week off since I earn basically 14 hours of vacation a month starting January 2nd. This is also when I start studying for the Washington State CPA exam, I want to take and pass all four parts by August if possible, for the bonus and the ability to have my job pay for the exam and study materials (several thousand dollars for this combined).
  • May 145 hours, this is less then the 160 hours normally worked in four weeks, not too bad.
  • June 115 hours, even less then May for the goal.
  • July 140 hours, less then full time
  • August 145 hours, less then full time, but we are now building up to fall tax season because October is the end of six month extensions on taxes due last April.
  • September 165 hours, a little over full time, but can be matche.
  • October 170 hours, a bit more over full time, but still nothing compared to March
  • November 90 hours, drops down, plus holidays are in here
  • December 80 hours as year slows and begins its cycle at the beginning of this list.

I got an email from a friend, they make a bit less overall money working for the state, but they don’t work any of these hours at all (they just work 40 a week and have vacation). However, my current employer seems pretty cool, and the people are nice, I will see if the bonuses and promotions make up for the lack of life, one thing I have to do is not let my frustrations come out on heresy, I love her too much so everyone keep me on my toes about it please. If this is too much, within 24 months I will get a government job, just trying to get the 2 years as a public accountant minimum for some of the cool jobs I have seen posted.

I hear the wife moving around, maybe I will go snuggle a bit more.

First day in Seattle

Today was another super busy day. It feels like I have gotten no rest since the week before finals. I am ready to just fall over unconscious. I woke up at 0500, only having about 4.5 hours of sleep, the constant waking to check for roaches (yes I am neurotic). I got up, hung out with the cat and waited for the counter top people.

They arrived about 0945 and we had o take orpheus with us for six hours. We went to the truck and sat there for twenty minutes. We wanted to verify the exterminators were coming before we took off. When the manager got there, we went in and she confirmed they were coming. She also offered her apartment to store the orpheus. That was awesome so the wife and I headed out.

First we went to the Madison Co-op, then over to Trader Joe’s. Both places seemed nice and we ordered a 25lb bag of rice flour (baking season is upon us). We then just decided to drive downtown. We eventually ended up parking at a parking garage on 2nd Avenue. We wandered over to the Pike Place Market, that was damn cool. We wandered for about an hour then went to the “Athenian” and had food. Heresyoftruth had salad and I had a burger. We enjoyed the meal and then headed back over to 2nd Avenue. This is because that is where I am going to work.

We wandered down 2nd Avenue, about 3/4 of a mile and then headed back the way we came (stopped by the office building I work in, but didn’t go up). When we got to Seneca street we decided to go up to 3rd Avenue. This was so we could check where I was catching a bus and where I would be getting off for work. We then walked down 3rd avenue, the same distance we did on 2nd. After having been walking for 2 hours we decided to go back to the truck. There we sat and ate a gluten free bar each. We then headed back home, but stopped by Pacific Fabric (unfortunately it didn’t look like there was anything we could look at).

We got home about 1500 or so, rescued the cat, found a roach on the living room door (inside). We found the counter-top rather stinky (even now the fumes are making me pretty loopy). The manager confirmed that the exterminators will be using a special gel to get rid of the roaches and they will be doing the entire apartment building. Last few hours have been me, exhausted trying to pass the time til I can go to sleep.

I really do like our apartment, we realized we are very close to Sears, Office Max, Downtown, and a ton of other places. The neighborhood is quiet, the apartment is huge (and very game worthy). It just has the one bad part. We figure we will give them to late February to solve this problem (sometimes roaches take two or three exterminator visits). If its not done we will move, if it is done we will stay.

Oh, we wont game this weekend, but we will the Saturday after Xmas. We will be playing GURPS converted Shadowrun. To find those rules go to http://www.talesofagun.com and read up. If you are a new player I need the character made by Xmas Day if you want to play the following Saturday.


Sinking of an island (dreams)

Last night I had a pretty intense dream, of course I waited til morning to post so I am not sure how much I remember.

It all took place on an island. It was a large island (maybe not the size of Hawaii, but not a tiny island either), had a city on it (well it had a large town with several really tall buildings). We had driven down to the beach hubby and  and I were kind of playing on the sandy beaches (there were trees like those around here up to the water as well, but it was a lot warmer then Washington state).

I noticed the wind had changed, something about it bothered me. I looked over my shoulder and out at sea some distance were these huge roiling black clouds that went all the way down to the water. They shot up thousands of feet in the air. It wasn’t an explosion or anything, rather like some hugely nasty, end of the world, type of storm. It was blowing in our direction and it scared the holy hell out of me. There were others in our group as well and everyone thought I was just being a scaredy cat and there was no problem, after an argument I grabbed the wife and we ran for the town.

There was sort of a brief interlude, I think I had woken up for a few moments at this time, a bit freaked out by my dream. Shortly thereafter I drifted back off.

The dream pretty much picked up again. We were sitting in some sort of police station. It was a small beachfront like building (although I could see city lights off in the distance, maybe it was a beach patrol office). It was very dark outside, the storm was raging, so it must have been an hour or so in the dream since I saw the storm, and we had reached safety (although I hadn’t dreamed that part). The people inside the office wouldn’t listen to me. I kept trying to tell them something really bad was going to happen. All they could do was tell me storms were common, and it wasn’t a big deal. After much arguing I angrily stepped outside and on my left is where I saw the wave. It had to be a fifty or a hundred feet tall as it started rolling over the island.

I once again woke up, sat there in the dark breathing heavy trying to figure out it was only a dream. The wife was coughing (it had probably woke me up originally). I slipped back into sleep.

Once back in, the dream continued (however the wife  wasn’t in it at this point. I didn’t see the actual wave hit anything, I wonder once again if I had been woken up when that happened. However, it was like the island was sinking into the ocean. Rather then a wave rolling across everything, the water was rising as if the island itself was sinking. Strangely enough there was no storm at this time. It was as if the storm had just stopped, letting the sun shine while the island sank into the ocean.

I swam for the nearest thing sticking above the water. it was the top of a couple of skyscraper like buildings. I was terrified and I grabbed a hold of the very tip of the building (it had a top sort of like the empire state building). I just clung onto the weathered stone top praying the water would go away, but then worried if it went away too soon I would be stuck hanging from 30+ stories of building (strange worry in a dream, I know). I also had a brief worry about the water receding and I would have to crawl into one of the windows and try and get down the building filled with corpses that had drown in the building.

It was totally terrifying at the end. Sure it wasn’t like I was falling, and I was able to swim very well. For some reason though the ocean has always given me a fear. It’s not really that I am worried about drowning or being trapped out there. It’s the idea that the water goes hundreds of feet below me. I am pretty damn scared of heights, and it translates into traveling across the water. I am not afraid of drowning, for some reason, I am just afraid that it’s so far down in the water. I feel so insignificant about that. It’s the same reason why huge oil tankers (and other large ships) sort of send shivers down me, it just feels unreal, so tall and long, that it gives me the creeps.

Well thats where the dream ended. The wife was coughing horribly and woke me up all the way.

Worms in my belly (dreams)

Last night I had a pretty intense dream. A large part of the dream I don’t remember, what I do remember is the last little bits. To give you a little background, for the last couple of weeks my skin on my sides and a bit around my belly button has been extremely dry and flakey. I tend to scratch at it at night (hence why I now wear “clothes of shame”, or more accurately a t-shirt and underwear to bed, so I wont scratch it) and it will leave large holes in my skin, last week they have been healing up and it is starting to look better. Now back to the dream.

Heresyoftruth, myself and several others (including a very large black man I had never met before) were busy loading boxes into a cellar for a large manufacturing company. The strange part was the opening to the cellar was in the little hallway from the kitchen into the livingroom of the apartment we used to live on Alabama street, before me and Heresyoftruth broke up when we were 19. It looks out into a large patio door.

For some reason, one of us had to stay at the opening of the door overnight. I volunteered and crawled under a blanket in the living room (a few feet from the opening). Sometime in the middle of the night my belly began to itch, so I reached down and I could feel the flakey skin. I then could feel something moving under my skin. After a few seconds it felt like one of those parasitical worms that come to the surface of skin at night to breath.

There was a struggle as I grabbed it and tried to pull it out. It was strong enough it almost pulled back in. Grunting, groaning, itching, and a few minutes later I had pulled out some sort of huge looking wormy thing, bigger then my fist from my stomach area, out from under the blanket. I then struggled with two more smaller ones and tossed them all on the ground in front of me.

The next morning my beautiful wife Heresyoftruth came back and asked me how I was feeling. I said much better, and I motioned to the dead slimy worm things. She nodded at me. I got up to show her and tossed the blanket off on me. Thats when I noticed that from my belly to my pubic bone was a huge whole in my belly (easily 6 inches across and it was deep). Red infected inner flesh was hanging there, subcutaneous slime and drips of blood were there as well.

All I remember was thinking “Wow, that doesn’t hurt, actually its kind of numb” as I realized it was deeper then a quarter. Thats about when I woke up.

I realize there are probably details I am not remembering it since I am now posting it before I go to bed, but I figure that is more then enough.


Dreams 1-25-2007

I have been up since 03:20 this morning. I had a dream that me and my family were all in this house. There was some sort of horror movie on the tv, that was showing random bits of the movie instead of the whole thing. It would show scenes that were missing people or things (but when it had shown the scenes earlier in the dream they were complete). Sort of like those horror movies that things on paintings were suddenly gone, and then later were in real life (like they left the paintings).

That wasn’t the worst part.

The worst part was most of the dream me, my parents, I think both siblings and maybe the wife were all hovered around my grandmother who was lying on a bed. She was having Chain-Stokes breathing (she was dying). I was a bit worried and told everybody I would stay even though something big was happening the next day.

After forever of waiting around for my grandmother to die she all of a sudden wasn’t around. Then she was walking around (and didn’t look like my real grandmother who had died, she looked more like my aunt Ardis, only a bit heavier with died blond hair).

I woke up dreaming remembering watching my grandparents die, and even more so hubby’s grandmother who passed away (and I felt pretty close to, even if her parents thought I wasn’t).

It was just a fucked up dream I had to write down, to remove the power it has over me and making me upset.

Long Update

I woke up this morning incredibly angry. I don’t mean “in a bad mood”, I am talking a rip-roaring I would like to crush someone’s nose under my fist anger. I do feel much better now, the wife and I went to the mall and got her some shirts, she then got me fed.

I am sure some of my anger comes from no time, finals decompression, and the fact we just got our electricity bill (double what it normally was), it just adds up. Actually I was angry enough that I called up work and cancelled coming in today (and no, I don’t want to run a game or have visitors today either, just not in the head-space to share my world paradigm with anyone but W, I love the rest of you, but we had already planned not to play today so this wont change anything except it will give me a breather from all my responsibilities, game still on 23rd). Mostly I cancelled today with work because there is no way I could handle my manager.

There is a lot of ranting, to save your friends page and to avoid making you have to read my inane ramblings I will cut most of it. I will post about school after I get my grades finalized (and that is another stress factor, how the fuck long does it take to grade a multiple choice test)

I will start with the Xmas Party. The wife and I have both been a little tense about this. Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t really fit in with the upper class. I like my coworkers, but there is not very many of them I have any similarities with.

The wife and I started Saturday looking for presents. We are supposed to buy $10 presents each for a blind gift exchange. This was annoying because when I signed up for the Xmas party, I was told there were no gifts required. I don’t have a problem spending $20 total, but honestly we are still pulling ourselves out of the hole, and I hate the consumerish pressure that gets given out at Christmas.

We end up going to the “Lucky Monkey”. It’s downtown, and its a very neat little import/kitchey type of shop. After several minutes of looking for two $10 gifts  we end up getting two identical presents, they were little wooden gift boxes with different types of tops (different designs). In each one we bought a “lucky kitty” statue and a Guatemala Worry Doll to fill up the box.

We leave the house at 5:30pm, the dinner is at some restaurant named “Grammy’s”. We get there at 5:45 (party starts at 6pm). There we met Dr. C and his wife. Dr. C is an awesome older man, his wife is very nice, but I think very aware of her station. We stood around looking scared (wife and I) as more and more people arrived. Soon it was packed with 26+ people, I knew half, the other half were of course the first half’s significant others. The wife and I both still kind of stood around, not really fitting in we were talked to by a few of the workers, and my manager, but not for very long. 

The wait/cook staff actually talked to us quite a bit more, we all discussed the world and how things were going and in short I was pleased with the mingling we did with the staff.Dr. C’s wife seemed a bit put off by the fact that wifey and I did not drink, we asked for non-alcoholic drinks (which the staff happily gave us).

Dinner came (an hour after the party officially started, we were starving). We sat next to P and her husband G (names hidden for their privacy). They are both pretty nice (P is the one who works my M-Th shifts now that I am in class). Her husband works as an engineer for a security firm and they both seem very down to earth. L (a dental assistant), El and her Husband (also a dental assistant sat with us along with Dr. C and his wife).

Dinner was awesome, I take my hat of to Grammy’s. True, Gabe cooks better, it by no means diminishes how well they did. I had a vegetarian alfredo dish with Portabello Mushrooms. It was good (but would have later effects I may or may not go into). Dinner at the table went by relatively smoothly, the wait staff kept checking up specifically on me and W and I think it annoyed Dr. C’s wife that they didn’t ask her nearly as much if things were going ok. Its sad, even though I know in my future as a CPA I will have to go to shindigs like that, I would rather be on the other side of the register (working as part of the staff), I am just not comfortable with the official dinner like proceedings.

Oh I forgot to mention the wife and I never approached the appetizer bar before the dinner, it was surrounded by coworkers/significant others and they wouldn’t let the work staff in to refill the appetizers, it was like they didn’t even notice the work staff. I always wondered if thats how it was (you hear it sometimes in movies and books that the help are “invisible”).

After dinner Dr. C’s wife announced that three of the plates (one at each table) had a note under it saying “Merry Christmas” it meant whoever had it won the christmas center piece at each table (really was looking to me like a Kmart center piece of red and green, although I am sure it came from a upper income store). For some reason at our table no one had a note, so Dr. C’s wife had us all pick numbers.

I ended up winning it, however just as I won it, someone at another table had a second note (the notes were not evenly distributed). I told Dr. C’s wife by all means give the center piece to that person, they won it fair and square. Later El commented how gracious I was, I neglected to tell her I thought the center piece was horrible looking and I didn’t want it to begin with, she didn’t need to know that.

After the meal we were informed that we were to go back to Dr. C’s house. The wifey and I got outside and found it incredibly funny to see all these new cars (Lexus SUV, Mercedes Sedan, brand new Ford Ranger pickup) and then there was our rusted out 1989 GMC pickup. We were amused because we knew out of 13 cars, we had the only one paid outright. Sometimes I just look at the money people spend on “high end” products, I just don’t even understand.

We got to Dr. C’s house and it was huge. It was wired for outdoor music, and literally couldn’t have been smaller then 5,000 square feet (and I am sure it was quite a bit bigger then that). It was on prime beach front property and the inside everything was “Neiman Marcus” style. The only really funny thing was there were pictures of their dog “Buster” everywhere.

Now, during this whole time Dr. C would go out of his way to entertain everyone. Please do not confuse my amazement at the height of consumerism going on to imply that Dr. C was nothing but a very genial host who made sure to talk to us repeatedly and to try and make us feel welcome (Dr. W and his wife also were very very nice, Dr W’s wife was a very down home kind of feeling to her, I like her alot).

Dr. C went out of his way several times during the night to offer me and W something first (refreshment, pie, etc). This was going fine and there were numerous tiny conversations we had with others that will probably get talked about over time. Eventually there was the “gift giving” phase. It consisted of us setting all of the gifts in the middle then drawing random numbers. The idea was, when it was your turn you could select a gift and open it. There were two additional gifts (given by Dr. C’s wife), one was a “very good gift” the other was a “gag” gift. Those gifts could not be opened. A person would select a gift they wanted. The next person in line could then either take the first person (or any previous person’s) gift or take a new one. There were lots of funny moments (the digital tire air pressure gauge was very popular and even though it was taken from W by Dr C’s wife (who didn’t even really want it, she just did it to stir things up) I was able to get it back for her and secure the REI card.

It was a cut throat game though, I didn’t think anyone would really push to get those two “unopened” but I saw no holds barred greed as people kept grabbing for those two gifts. Actually it kind of made me sick, it seemed inappropriate for a “Christmas” party, somehow I think Jesus would not approve.

As the party wound down I talked with Dr. W about what I was doing next week. He mentioned that we were very short on time and things had to be done in 10 work days. I looked at him confused and mentioned that the manager had said it would take much longer. Dr. W’s wife looked unhappy for a brief second that my manager thinks that. I then reassured Dr. W that I would take care of it. for him

This means I may be working a lot of hours next two weeks (although part of me wonders if it wont be that bad).

The wife and I then left, came home whereupon I spent most of the night with my stomach/reflux killing me.

So here I am exhausted, in a bad mood from lack of sleep and unable to do anything but nap.

Dreams 11-5-06

All last night I had a single long dream that began when I fell asleep and continued til I woke up at 6:30. I don’t remember some aspects (actually a lot of it) in the last 30 minutes since I woke up. I needed to take some time before I wrote it down because the ending of the dream really kind of freaked me out.

The short of it was that everyone I know was involved. It started like Ocean’s 11 or any other big organized theft. We were all involved in stealing something important, which we successfully did. For some reason a short time later we all decided to rip off a grocery store the same way. Just before we did it I told everyone to abort and I walked away from that (something was wrong). The strange part is that by the time this part of the dream was occuring it was almost like we were playing a table top game. I mean we were doing these acts with our hands, but it would be like we would declare what we were doing and then do it.

The only difference with my real life friends and family (and almost all of you that I know in real life was involved) was the fact that W seemed different. It was her, but she wasn’t actually human, just looked it (and I was ok with that). Well by the end of the dream W, my sister and some large creature were in our bedroom from the old Alabama apartment that W. and I shared before we got married.

It started when W.and I were sitting there talking. All of a sudden she looked up at me and said she loved me and she was sorry it had to happen, and that she would see me again. All of a sudden she sat down on the floor (it was wooden, not carpeted like it was in real life) on a sheet and then all of a sudden she started bleeding from wounds all over her body, while she was bleeding out she wrapped the sheet around her (much like a burial shroud). I was stunned for a moment then I see my sister step into the room and some sort of large creature with huge claws behind her. For some reason I know this creature did this to her and I stand up saying I am going to kill it. 

My sister steps in front of me and tells me she can’t let me hurt “him”. I pull my hand out of my pocket, point it like a gun (much like as kids we would make our hands into little guns) and I distinctly say “bang, bang, bang, bang” at my sister. I then point my finger at the creature, declare loudly “bang bang bang” and then I loudly declare like I was doing a table top game that I was going to chew through its neck until its head came off. 

I then look down (I didn’t see anything happen) and the whole front of my shirt is covered in blood, blood dripping out of my mouth and chin and I see the creature headless. I then notice my sister dying, her breaths coming pretty shallow from four bullet holes in her. I was pretty distraught, I apologized to her but told her I would have done it again if she got in the way of avenging W.

I then woke up feeling pretty shitty my wife died and I had killed my sister (whom I love very very much). This last part of the dream is what really made me forget the majority of the dream before the incident. 

It was kind of fucked up.

Dreams 11-06-06

I had more dreams again last night, I know they spanned across the whole night but can only remember chunks.

The first part had me over on Meridian street by the furniture stores. I had just gotten off a bus and was super pissed about something.the Wife was stomping off with a female friend (we probably had an arguement, its kind of dim right on what happened) and I just unbuttoned the white button up shirt and started walking home.

The second part took place outside our house. Evidently we were living at a ranch or farm type house. I was still pissed about something (it was I believe the same dream, but it was later last night) andthe Wife and I could hear a car/truck outside of our property. There was a large solid wall around our property so we had to walk up to the front driveway. Thats when we noticed three people messing around near a car. There was a younger male (probably early 20’s), a younger female in her late 20’s, and a redheaded older male, with a bushy mustache in his late 30’s or a bit older.

They had teeth clippings and tail clippings from our horses. I walked up demanding to know what the fuck they were doing. They just kind of smile at me threateningly and declare they were checking on the conditions of “their” horses (implying they were going to take them). I knocked the mane hair out of the woman’s hands and stepped up to the older male, grabbed the small bag of teeth clippings (much like hoof clippings, don’t know how my dream interpreted it as teeth) and threw it out of his hands.

The older male all of a sudden got threatening, and pulled out a pistol pointing it atthe Wife telling me to watch what I was doing or I would regret it. He then went to put it away and I flipped out because he had threatened the wifey. I knocked it out of his hands (there was a definite look of surprise from the guy) and I kicked him squarely between the legs and then as he dropped to his knees kicked him in the face. While he was sprawled out I turned and before the girl could do anything I punched her a couple of times, she dropped and I boot partied on her for a few seconds. 

The third (younger) guy had left (or at this stage of the dream not sure if my dream even considered him there to begin with). I turned around and went back up to the older man. I had noticed I hadn’t yelled or screamed at him yet. As I walked up he was starting to apologize and saying to take it out on him and leave the girl alone. I just flipped out and started kicking his head and jaw. I was also starting to scream at him, telling him I was going to fuck him up bad for threatening my wife. After a few minutes I stopped and he was trying to apologize for pointing the gun atthe Wife. He then said not to punish the girl but to take it out on him.

I kicked him a few times more in the chest (I didn’t want to give him lasting brain damage beyond what might have happened the first couple of kicks, after those I aimed at the lower face/jaw). I then leaned real close and told him how if I was going to take this out on him I would fuck the girl up with my boots and he would have to live for the rest of his life knowing he caused her so much pain trying to be tough.

At this point is when I woke up, part of me was bothered that I would even threaten that. I have no doubt if someone threatened a friend/family, most especially if they threatenedthe Wife that I would do exactly what I did in my dream by beating the crap out of someone and not caring about what the police might do. I think I was bothered even more with the idea that if the girl was involved in threatening my wife I may follow through on that last part.

I am normally a nice guy. Only two or three times in my life have I flipped like that.

Once when I was 16 and I was hit full on in the face with a baseball bat (this is why a large chunk of my teeth have issues), I took the baseball from the guy and beat him with it til he wouldn’t/couldn’t get up.

Once when we were in the graveyard at age 19/20 and I just started kicking the guy down a hill that was fucking with gravestones and being threatening (although that time was somewhat funny, I was standing on my left leg with my right leg sticking straight out and I hopped at the guy kicking him down the hill).

A couple of times Weylin saved people when I was wasted and they were trying to score withthe Wife, thanks yoggi-bear.

Most recent time was when the Wife, myself and were walking outside of bellis fair a couple of years ago and an Arabic man in a volkswagon bus with Canadian license plate, zoomed by us as we crossed the road. He was screaming, yelling and I flipped him off and told him to fuck off or suck my dick or something insulting (I don’t remember what specifically now). He spun his bus around the parking lot and parked behind us about 20 feet. He continued to scream at us.

I continued to find this funny and would yell back and then his tone changed so I paid a bit more attention and he pulled his hand out like it was a pistol and aimed it atthe Wife and make shooting motions. That flipped me out and I walked up to his van and poked him in the forehead with my finger asking him what the fuck he was doing. The absolute look of surprise on his face, that I walked up to him and did that now is increadibly funny. At the time I really really really wanted to haul him out of that van and beat him until he couldn’t move. The only thing that kept me only poking him in the forehead hard with my finger wasthe Wife screaming at me not to do anything that would make me go to jail. Part of me was hoping he would pull a real weapon, but I did realize I wasn’t justified in doing anything else (and probably wasn’t justified in poking him in the head, but he was threatening my wife).

I stepped away as my wife’s wise words kept me on a much needed leash (thanks wifey, I really do mean that). He just stared at me like I was a crazy man and he drove off and we continued on our way.

I think the dream bothered me so much because if circumstances in my later teen/ early twenty life had been different I might have followed a not so nice path in life. Sometimes I get so angry and I just shove it inside and smile at people, I am terrified of someday losing it on someone though and doing what I did in the dream to someone in real life. I don’t think those circumstances would be easy to come by, but the possibility worries me

PS. I do realize this is all probably because of last week’s midterms and tomorrow’s midterms.