Anxiety Dream

I just woke up from a dream that I had when I was 17. It was the same exact dream I think, although some of the details could be different (as I never wrote dreams down that far back). I was working with most of my family in a warehouse of some sort. All of my family was there. Not just my parents, siblings, and wives/husbands married into the family but my dad’s grandparents, my dad’s uncles, etc. It was a full Bradley job fair sort of thing. In the middle of the warehouse was a huge display of alcohol, 6 packs, cases, single bottles of all types of alcohol (but mostly beer). My family was drinking it, all of us including myself. I wasn’t hugely drunk and we were all waiting around. Everyone knew someone was supposed to lose their shit, start knocking over the bottles and start a fight. You could see everyone glance around at each other (meanwhile we were working and drinking in the warehouse). 

It was an uncomfortable time and at one point I yelled “Fuck It” and started smashing the bottles and trying to start a fight with family members. One of the several I tried to start a fight with was my father, but in reality he is not even close to capable of fighting with me, unless it was going to be one he musters his last reserves and uses a knife and something else to end it (he still has one good fight). Also present was my elder family (that I met as a young young child and who are now mostly dead). It felt weird, like I was fulfilling some position that was sort of passed down (yes I can see a whole lot of meaning there).

I awoke upset (which is what I am doing here now), frustrated at myself that I would even imagine doing it. I can blame part of this on a rough day (maybe week), holidays, winter, and not exercising or eating right lately. Most of that is changing as the holidays are basically over, we have stopped eating holiday foods so my normal eating habits are coming back (and may do I feel chunky right now) and I am back exercising today. 

I think the other part is just pure anxiety. My mom went in for minor surgery on her heart. She was going to have a medicated stent put in. Lately she has been suffering minor heart issues, they have her on nitro to relieve the symptoms. Unfortunately they got in there today and found they couldn’t do anything due to some small bleed that they couldn’t find and due to the fact that the narrowing is at the bivalve on the bottom forward part of her heart, meaning a normal (non-medicated) stent has a greater than 50% of having to be fixed again with even harder conditions to fix, this is complicated by her diabetes). 

She isn’t in any danger, the anemia/bleed has been going on for awhile and she isn’t going to die soon. However, they don’t want to put in the effective stent until they find the bleed because she will have to take Plavix for at least a year (and that would make her bleed even more). The other option they have is a bypass surgery. The surgeon is very very confident about my mom being ok, he said either the medicated stent if they find the bleed in the next 6 weeks, or a bypass surgery will work just as good and it should make everything fine. He also reassured us that she will not die anytime soon and its ok to take some time to look for the bleed. Also worst case scenario they put the stent in and later can still do the bypass.

So yesterday (Monday) was a 12 hour day of driving to Bellingham and back and waiting in the hospital room for her. It left me exhausted, not counting the last two weeks of no real sleep. So, I should be sleeping like a baby now, but instead going to have weird dreams that I am replaying my family’s issues in my life.

Anxiety Dream

I woke up about 20 minutes ago. I am not sure what causes me to wake up at 2:45 am, especially first night after DST. It was not a horribly bad dream, it had me and hubby wandering some back roads up in Granite Falls. We met some younger people and she started talking to them about old punk bands. Nothing too horrible but I woke up feeling anxiety. It wasn’t anything that she said, I wasn’t worried about anything she might do, nor worried about anything happening to us (I may be getting a little long in the tooth, but still not intimidated by teens-mid twenties). The only thing I specifically remember being said was one of the people commented we must have liked punk in the ’90’s and hubby corrected them and said 80’s.

Fortunately I think I am starting to get tired again, I just don’t understand why I woke up feeling super stressed. I had a great day with my friends gaming, things went well there. I spent the last couple hours before bed hanging with the wife and watching “human sized sperm” special on National Geographic and I went to sleep next to my beautiful wife while she watched Wild Wild West on her laptop. I realize I get anxiety sometimes, I think its a family trait (and probably explains why many in my family do drugs or drink to go to sleep). I am just not sure what to do about it. Its not near the “holidays” when I get the crazy anxiety due to worries. I don’t think I am specifically worried about my family, so not sure why I am experiencing anxiety.

I wonder if its partially due to how early my current audit is making me get up. Maybe I am hitting a critical mass of not enough sleep and too much “have to be up extremely early” that my body and mind is freaking out. Or maybe its just my body and mind freaking out because there is something chemically wrong. I am considering options to help sleep, including working out more, maybe a drink, maybe trying to get up later (well after this audit maybe). I will have to work on that for awhile, now that I am feeling a bit more tired, maybe I can go back to sleep now.

Dreams 7-29-18

Last night I had a dream that really kind of bothered me.

It was in an old house my parents had rented when I was a kid, on Iron Street. There were some differences, mainly my parents were the same age they are now (as was I), there were flourescent lights behind plexiglass advertisements on the corner of the wall/ceiling and my parents were sitting there being a bit spacey.

A younger brunette with a very alternative look was there as well. She introduced herself to me, but something bothered me when she did so (and I cannot seem to remember her name). She followed me around my parents house while I got some coffee and lunch. I noticed some weird plastic cap thingees in the sink. 

The dark haired girl with the peircings and chopped up tee-shirt kept coming on to me (no it was not a representation of the wife), she was in the corner of my dream house somewhere and I knew it). She even went so far as to push her ass up against me every chance she got. But I continued to ignore her.

I went back out into the living room, just as I was doing that, my little brother Bear was shooting up drugs (heroin). I freaked out on him and he said my parents were doing it as well. It dawned on me that they were nodding out and I immediately understood the plastic thingees were needle caps.

I freaked out, went into the living room and confronted my parents. They said that yes, they are doing it. I found out it was from the dark haired alternative girl that they started and it was too late for them to now quit. 

I immediately woke up. Its not that my parents haven’t tried all drugs (they have), but they have never been fond of forcing drugs into your veins directly. I also realize this dream most likely because my aunt Ines had a heart attack last week (sounds even more severe then my mother’s two years ago). She lived a life of a junkie, not my parents sometimes doing drugs or drinking, but a full blown, sticking needles in her arm with her daughter (my cousin) Sarah.

I worry about my mom. She is the youngest of them (Ines is 59, my mom 57, and the oldest aunt Ardis is 62 I believe). My mom is likely to be hurt and cry if something happens to Ines. Sadly enough Ines never really acted like she cared about my mom (most junkies don’t/can’t care about others while fucked up) and never really contacted my mom, after her big heart attack. So I honestly don’t feel emotional at all about my middle aunt having a heart attack. Of course I don’t want to see her die, but selfishly that is mostly so I don’t have to see my mom suffer.

Well, that is it for now, exhausted, maybe I can get back to sleep.

Frustrations

Well this wasn’t the update I wanted to post, but its funny how things happen so close together.

First let me say I know my family loves me, I love them, but they are by far one of the most dysfunctional groups I have ever known. Lets give you a brief recap of my family before I vent.

Parents: Father is a Vietnam Vet with a long prison/police record for violence(but for the record never sexual/physicall abused us, and the name calling only happend when he was drunk). In my early life he worked constantly and did well, my last 20 years or so he became unfortunately a raging alcoholic who after getting put away for a DUI has been sober (from alcohol) for over 2 years. My mother is a sweetheart, never did anything bad except a constant habit of asking for stuff from me, but thats easily satisfied, she has been a good mother albeit now she has diabetes and had a heart attack last summer (but the doctors were surprised no damage and they dont think she will have any more problems, and this was a serious only 20% live heart attack she had). Unfortunatley my parents have done/sold/excessed every drug known to man.

Sister: Loves me, I know it, has two kids (one feral one not, the not one I am sure will be gay when he is 16). Followed my parents footsteps, is an alcoholic, cant keep a job and really only calls me for help.

Brother: Same as sister except he sometimes shows remarkable clarity and wants to clean his life up, biggest problem is he is a lazy ass who doesn’t like to work.

By the way, in the 17 years I have worked on my own, I have never ever once asked my siblings for a dime, a ride or anything. NOT EVER. (and actually I have loaned my parents money 20 times more then I have ever gotten from them and same with rides/etc). Thats why this is so frustrating.

There is more about the family, but I realized that would take up way too much space.

So this morning I get up super early, my mom asked me to give her a ride over to the Salvation Army so they can pick up a chair, no problems, I don’t mind doing that at all. So I get up super early, call them at the time I am supposed to be there because I have this sinking feeling that they are on a “run” (non alcoholic, but on other things, not meth though). My dad answered the phone and immediately I know they are jagged and not going. He kinda rambles on about not needing me today and I quickly get off the phone because I hate talking to him when he is ramped up. My mom is asleep and she called later, everything is cool. So I got up early for nothing (albeit I have been working on MU’s backend and its going to fucking rock).

Ten minutes later I get a call from my sister. I was surprised and hopeful she just wanted to say hi. I should have known, her first words were, “Can I borrow $20 until tommorrow”. I normally would probably do it, she is good at paying back usually but I am broke. I told her so and she accepted it gracefully but I could tell she didn’t believe I was broke, so this frustrated me even more.

Five minutes after that I get a call from my brother. His first words are “What you doing today?” I explained that I am going to work (and I have a feeling he is going to ask for something). His next words are he needs me to come over and fix his computer. I tell him I would be happy to do that but it might be Saturday before I can come over (tonight when I get home from work I have to spend with wifey since she is off) and I am not sure if I will be able to make it over there later (he constantly nags me to give him things, fix his computer, etc and I just wasn’t sure when I wanted to commit to going over there since thats all he usually wants from me). He has a fit and asks why cant I come over there after work tonight, I try to explain but he is still having a cow. I ask him “are you paying me to do this?” because now I am feeling taken advantage of, and he starts throwing a bigger hissy fit. Now after the previous two phone calls and his fit throwing I lose my temper and say “fix it yourself” and hang up. Of course he calls back, wondering if we are going to work things out I answer and he says “fine I will” and hangs up.

So, all three of my blood-family groups have been fucktards today (although my parents less so – they didn’t say anything or do anything bad, they just didn’t follow through). Why is it the only family around me that doesn’t piss me off is my non-blood family whom I am feeling closer to then my blood.

on a side note, my mom just woke up and called me, my parents don’t intentionally fuck around, just sometimes they get too “involved” in partying and fuck up. Things are good with them, but this is all just so frustrating.

Never have I ever asked my siblings for anything, its that much more frustrating (not a dime, not a ride, nothing)

Another Dream

Well I had dreams that woke me up at 5am again.

It started out with me and the wife running around a half built skyscraper, I dont remember much of this part except we were together (married) like we are now, but it felt more like when the two of us hung out when we were 17. We had just pocketed a couple of beers each from some people and were making our way home.

It was Halloween, and on our way home that night we stopped at this display set out in a park. Wifey decided we should take some of the candles that were lit sitting there, so like teenagers we did it and ran off. We headed up to my parents house (it looked very similar to our “Lombard” street house in Everett, even though I had never known W in Everett). I walked in and found my parents drinking beer (right now they are sober, but growing up they had alcohol problems). In my dream I punched and kicked the walls in anger and then promptly woke right up.

When I woke up I was so upset I sat up, just shaking because I was upset. W woke up and was very comforting, made me lay back down and she held me til I drifted off again about 20 minutes later. Of course I had dreams after that about corpses until I got up at 6:30, but they didnt bother me nearly as much as dreams about my parents on a drunk binge when I was a teenager.

I guess I need to work through some of my teenaged angst (at 33 I guess I am a little late in dealing with issues like these).