Workout Weirdness

In the last couple of weeks, I have started working out at Planet Fitness again. I have surgery coming up in 7 weeks and when the surgery is over I will have significantly larger breasts, meaning possible back concerns.

So I have started weight training (mostly focused on core, legs and back, just to handle the changes and to be a little healthier) plus bicycling. I want my 22-year-old bicycling butt again, in a girl’s body, it will be awesome.

So last week I went to the gym three times, A Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, all at 4am or earlier (might as well do something with my insomnia). The place was empty. Fast forward to today, I went in on my first Monday and it was packed with guys.

Me in the car

Here I am leaving the gym.

I was a little uncomfortable, I hadn’t shaved or put makeup on and my boobs are noticeable now. I figured what the hell though, my face looked dirtier then unshaven and why would they bother? By the end of the workout, I realized how much male privilege I had before my transition.

No one would look at me back then, no one cared. During my 45 minutes in the gym today, all four guys hovered around the machines I was using, instead of the same exact machines that were open.

I would catch them staring at my boobs in the mirror, and after a short while, they started trying to look at my face (my hair was in front of it a lot). I think they were all confused for a while, the boobs were obvious, but I don’t pass so the confusion was there. Also, my hips and butt are starting to feminize pretty nicely.

So I spent the workout uncomfortable, being stared at by 4 guys and trying to not have them notice that I noticed. I bailed on the bicycle today. I think I can’t go into the gym without makeup now, I realize it doesn’t really help but it does help me mentally put a barrier up. I also won’t be doing Mondays again.

I mean the whole point of working out at 4am is to not be looked at. If they are going to look at me I will probably just go in the afternoon. At least then I will already have makeup on and be shaven.

The hubby explained even if I pass I will get stared at like that, and I cannot apologize enough to the women of the world. It never dawned on me as a guy that everything is inspected. I have to admit I am sure I checked out every woman in the gym when I worked out as a boy. I don’t remember doing so, but it was natural as a guy, and I never considered how the women might have felt… agghh I hate learning I was doing asshole things after the fact.

Blood Bank Shit Show

I had wanted this week to write about the stresses of the passing of my parents. I also wanted to talk about music. Instead, I went to a blood bank drive put on by my work (through a third party) and instead had one of the worst at work experiences for my transition. Continue reading

Finishing Off 2019

This last month was supposed to be mostly vacation and medical appointments. With Christmas coming and this being the first Christmas where I am not so depressed that I was numb, I knew it might be a little rough emotionally.

It was a lot worse than expected. On Christmas Eve I got a call from my sibling. They had a broken leg, had decided to run off to Vegas to marry someone and within three days of being there it was broken off. I get a call saying they are stuck there with no money, no flight and no place to stay. They literally only went to Vegas wearing pajamas (although they did get some clothing when they got there).

I spent the next three days on the phone with them, other hotels and airlines trying to arrange a way for them back. To make it worse, the sibling wasn’t behaving very rationally and was having some issues of their own. They wouldn’t just take the next flight home and had to wait a day and a half (meaning I had to pay for an extra hotel night). They yelled at me (but stopped when I hung up and I think they knew I was going to leave them if they didn’t cut that shit out), and finally they got home.

They are doing better, which relaxes me. However, I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night until last night since this whole event. It has set off my own mental health issues, but fortunately my hubby and my therapist have been really good (more about my therapy in the future).

The end result is a lot of extra money on a credit card, mental health flare and a continual worry that my sibling is going to hurt themselves as they are currently homeless back in Bellingham. It wracks me with guilt because I can’t afford any more money, and they have been nice about it not asking, but I still end up feeling like a failure.

None of this even counts the emotional grief I am not able to process because of this for the death of my parents and my missing them.

That is ok, this is a new year, new outlook and a new girl who is establishing boundaries. So don’t pity me too much, I will be fine. I just needed to write down a very abbreviated version here.

Office Situation

I currently share an office with a pretty cool guy named Tom. He and I get along, he hasn’t had any problem with my transition and it is just a comfortable situation.

Yesterday our boss came in and told us that we would have to move into cubicles. The department hired someone else that would need the office and we will have to move out in about 3-4 weeks to two cubicles smack dab in the middle of a full office staff.

We were both frustrated, annoyed and a little pissed. Our position requires space for a lot of files, and to meet with people. However, it is true neither of us are supervising management. We checked out the cubicles and they aren’t horrible, but they are in the middle of everyone.

For the rest of the day I was annoyed. I felt it was because now it will be loud, and there are others there that I suspect track each other’s breaks and stuff and we won’t have the space we are used to. It bothered me a lot, more then it should. I totally agree its ok to be annoyed but honestly I logically realize it isn’t a big deal.

I got home and the hubby commiserated with me, and he brought something up. He said I am probably upset because I feel safe in my office and now I am in the main area with everyone. I am no longer in a safe spot, with someone I can trust.

I hadn’t even considered that, but he is right. This is the first time I have had to sit in a public space since I fully transitioned and it freaks me out. Partially its irrational, and partially its because I know some of them dislike me (well, that plus its loud and there are break watchers). So now I am anxious and pacing.

I know things should work out, but it is going to be anxious for me, and I am glad my hubby is so understanding. I realize also that most have to go through worse, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is new for me, so I will forgive myself that.

I am going to miss this office.

Some good news

I got my blood test results back. I have some good news and some ok news.

Good news: my testosterone is “LESS THAN 10 ng/dL” and the range is 0-74ng/dL. So at least we know my testicles haven’t mysteriously grown back 🤣.

The test is to ensure the male hormone has dropped off thus allowing feminine hormones to work their magic. This is first time my testosterone hasn’t decided to make a comeback and I find it encouraging.

Another bit of good news is my progesterone numbers (prolactin test): 15.5 ng/mL and the range is 2.5-19 ng/mL. That is excellent news as this is the hormone that developed breast growth.

Finally I got my estrogen results via paper only (for some reason it isn’t on my electronic documents). 98 pg/mL and the standard range is 30-500.

This is an upward trend (my last result was less than 20), but not where we want it (300+ is the target score, there is another test that goes up to 700 and on that one we want 400+, not sure the difference though between the two scoring systems).

I will admit I was really disappointed by this. However Dr Fields is awesome, he said we will take this progress and up my dosage to 8mg of estradiol per day (I was taking 6 as of yesterday and only 4 when I had the horrible doctor) so I feel like we are moving.

I will go get another test in November and cross my fingers.

Frustrations at work

Yesterday was quite the frustrating thing. I was dressed up in my blue striped dress, my hair was made up and I had good makeup on.

I went out to a non-profit agency with a second monitor who looks at different things. I was there to audit them and I had steeled myself to get looks or actually verbally misgendered (it’s happened before).

We came in and they weren’t polite, but when they realized we were there to audit them they were perfectly nice. While I think I got some side-eyed looks from them, I didn’t get anything overt and that was all I can ask.

My coworker was the one who actually called me he four different times in about 15 seconds. It was so jarring that even the agency I was auditing looked surprised. They looked me up and down and then back to my coworker.

Finally I got her to stop talking and I corrected her using a masculine pronoun. She did look horrified when she realized she had called me he repeatedly. At least I do t believe it was intentional and we went on with what we were doing.

I thought it was done with it (she only used she after apologizing profusely). I am not mad at her, but I woke up mad in general early this morning.

I am now just angry in general and then even more angry with myself for not being able to put it away… circle of self-loathing is strong today.

Just had to put it out here and go back to work. Hopefully now I can let it go.

Insomnia, Anxiety and Sleeplessness

I can’t tell you why I was awake at 12:30am specifically. I am anxious, tired, pacing the living room trying not to wake my hubby. Of course today I have to audit an agency so it isn’t like I can just veg out in my office at work.

I don’t think its the audit itself either. I am almost done with my review before I even get there. They are religious in outlook, but I haven’t had any problems yet and I honestly enjoy that kind of thing.

I wonder though if its my hormonal fluctuations. My doctor is great, but when my test results came back for my estrogen and they were basically zero, she was out sick. Now that she is back she referred it to someone else and this is taking forever.

Been hormonal, anxious and all over the place… ya it is probably the hormones. Hopefully I can keep my shit together today, work the day and come home. I am disappointed in myself, I had meant to run the hubby some of his post-apocalyptic game when I got home last night, but I was so tired… yet I can’t sleep.

Stupid hormones…

FFS Surgery

First I want to be clear about this. FFS Surgery was the most invasive surgical experience I have ever had in my life. I had read up all about it, felt I was prepared, and to be honest I was pretty prepared. That being said, I do hope I don’t have to deal with something on that level again.

I got up a very very early Friday morning (although not nearly as early as we did to go to the hubby’s surgery. We wandered in and it took awhile for them to process me. It was super busy, and unlike the almost dead waiting room for Wolsey’s surgery, this one was packed with a lot of people.

Didn’t feel right to take a photo of the people in the waiting room so you get an outside picture.

They got me back and started preparing me. I think I looked pretty comfortable, and they were incredibly nice, but I have to say there was a bit of terror in my heart.

That terror would creep out sometimes too.

The best thing about the surgery other than my wonderful husband, was were the nurses. There was a bear of a man that I cannot remember the name too, but he was the In Charge nurse (I am not sure of their titles). He and I talked politics (he is conservative, but the kind that I get along great with, even on points we disagree). He held me over until the star of the show came… Jeff the nurse.

Jeff was there for the hubby’s surgery, he was there for mine. He was the kindest, most warm-hearted man and I can’t thank him enough for everything. I truly truly truly think he is fabulous.

I don’t remember much about the surgery itself, I know I was under for more than 11 hours and that my recovery was rough.I puked for the first 24 hours almost non-stop in reaction to the general anesthetic. Although thankfully I remember almost nothing of my hospital stay due to the IV drugs I was on.

The hospital stay itself was fantastic though. All of the nurses were supportive, they didn’t blink about my transgender status and several of them remembered us from when the hubby was there 18 months earlier for surgery. They even noticed I had lost a bunch of weight.

For the two days I was stuck in that horrible headwrap you will see in the pictures. They couldn’t change dressings or do anything with my hair as they had cut my scalp like a baseball to go under for my bone work and then pulled my scalp forward a little bit.

By Sunday afternoon I was released by the nurse, the doctor wasn’t able to make it in. This made me uncomfortable, along with the whole eating solid food thing that I will eventually talk about.

I got home, and by Sunday night was able to sleep next to my husband, with the headwrap off, and about to have a sucky four or five day recovery before things got better.

That blue pen took days to get cleaned off

That is it, that is my surgical experience briefly and only in general, although I am sure I will post specific things when they come to me. Below is the gallery of all the photos suitable for posting. More posts about the rest of the week and specific details will be upcoming


Just a brief update.

I realize it has been awhile since I posted. I was happily sailing along post surgery, starting to talk about things and I went radio silent. The problem was I just hit a wall unexpectedly.

I assume its from all the anxiety, the hormonal shifts because we can’t get the spironolactone right, surgery push back and just a general exhaustion. It wiped me out for a month, I haven’t even got caught up on my video creation or started doing the courses for 3d art.

A lot has happened since I went dark. I am scheduled for my bilateral orchiectomy on June 14th (yes Karen, that is when they will remove my testicles). I will be out of work again for a week, no sick time, and of course my employer is ok with the time, but no offer to do the normal request for other employees to volunteer sick time. I don’t expect it, but it is typical of what they ask for the other employees and then not for transgender issues.

I have been back to work for almost two weeks and people overall have been pretty good. I am now legally female both state and federal levels. I have ID and a birth certificate with the female outlined, so that is a giant win (even though that was four days of running around, probably a big reason I hit a wall).

I do think I am looking pretty good for where I am at. I know I have a long way to go, the orchiectomy will be a godsend and I should start seeing changes quicker.

Actually feel pretty good about myself sometimes.

My coworkers overall have been really cool about it. There are lots of new things I am learning, such as how women’s bathrooms are a whole different world then men’s bathrooms. I think that deserves its own post.

My husband has been a gem overall with understanding my anxiety, and hormonal ups and downs. We have had a couple arguments but I understand where he is coming from. I just want all of this done as soon as possible, then I can move on to picking up my life and becoming who I am.

Mostly this post is to say I am alive, I will continue posting about surgery and about everything, I just hit a wall and needed a break. I may be stressed, upset, etc, but I need to make sure everyone knows that I realize I am a very lucky person and I know it. While I may have just added a little over 40k in debt, I am fortunate to have that option when so many others don’t.

I just wanted to make sure everyone knew I knew and that I should be back now :).

A great experience and a realization

Last week I had an awesome thing happen. I was sitting in the McDonald’s drive thru (don’t judge me, I was hungry haha) and was talking to a young dark haired lady. Probably in her late twenties she was very chatty and I was dressed fairly femininely. As I pulled away she just smiled at me and without hesitation, without asking me to clarify my pronouns, she called me missus. The happiest feeling I have had about this transition after my husband confirming he wasn’t leaving me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am quite aware I am not passing or stealth at this time. Sometimes in a dark room, with very dim lighting maybe… but it is obvious how I am dressing and what I am putting out there. This was the first time someone didn’t ask me to clarify my pronoun, and who didn’t roll their eyes before using it.

My coworkers overall respect me and use it, there have been a couple of failures but I can’t hold that against them. I am 6’2″, they originally met me the first time I worked at my job as a male and it very rarely slips out. I get it, I don’t get mad at them, but I find it hurts now.

Fast forward to yesterday, I wasn’t dressed up too much at all and by the time I got home from work I had minimal stuff on my face. My hair wasn’t done and while I was wearing a girl shirt and uggs it still wasn’t really clear. It was more of a “fabulous” gay man then a girl look.

We went out to the local pot shop (thank god for a legal state) and while there we were chatting with the employee he referred to me as a he… not surprising and not offended. I was surprised though when my husband called me a he twice to the guy (we were joking around about something).

First and foremost, everyone slips up and I am not at all upset. I still do it very very rarely with him when we are talking about a time before his transition. I also wasn’t sure if it was to just smooth things over with the employee (sometimes its just easier to go with whatever the person I don’t know says instead of correcting him). Whether it was either one I am not at all upset at him or offended.

What I did learn from that and has been on my mind until this morning is that the pronoun thing does bother me. Not at my hubby. He did nothing wrong and I don’t blame it, but every time in the day someone says he (and it happens almost all the time unless I am talking to them directly, which case most of the time they just use my name) it feels like a small punch in the gut.

I can’t tell if this is a new thing, or if this is one of the many things that beat down on me for decades, but I was too numb and depressed to even know what it was.

It also could be a rough moment for me. I have surgery coming up in a week, lots of debt I put on our family for it, I am not nearly as far into the feminization of my body by hormones due to my testes fighting me at every step, the fact my hormone levels are all over because of my testes fighting my spiro dose, and after a year I am tired and the initial elation of coming out is gone.

It doesn’t change that I am happier, but it means it has been a rough month. It doesn’t mean I don’t have times where I wonder what the fuck I am doing and why am I bothering. They pass quickly, but I wanted to be forthright about how I felt in my writings. I think I am just in a down spot at the moment, hopefully to be buoyed by regaining my wind, getting some awesome surgery and being able to do something with my hair and eyes when I get back from Scottsdale.