Early Wakeup

Well woke up just before 5am, due to anxiety dreams about my parents getting old and dying (and me getting old and being alone). I been having these on and off all fall. I think its partially because I am not working and worried about money.

Partially I think my subconcious is mourning that I will never have kids. Dont get me wrong, I am totally happy with just me and the wife but society pounds the whole idea of must having kids into your head so much I think this is one of the reasons why I have the dreams.

I also believe its because of school. I am stressed about my math class, and I am stressed that this is taking so long. I am sooo tired of hours of study but not a dime in paycheck :).

The final reason I think I am getting the dreams is for the first time in over a decade my parents are taking care of themselves. Before this they always needed money, or help or something, but for the last 3 months they have been doing better then me and my wife. LOL its almost the same thing parents go through when thier kids dont need thier help, grow up and move away.

Never mind me, just rambling.

I am tired

Ok, I have had about my last dream of being poor (dreamed all night that we were living under a bridge, lol this probably has something to do with the wife’s rant). I am tired of not being able to buy my wife decent things. I am tired of not supplying her with the stuff she needs to sew. I am tired of looking in the fridge and wondering what the hell are we going to eat now and in general I am frigging tired of no money.

This may seem random but for almost two years now I have been a student, lived on loans and been poor as shit. I am tired of the fact that we don’t have a car because we are too poor (dont get me wrong, going to school we have found we don’t need the car and we get along well without it, but I am tired as hell of being stuck in a house on Sundays and anytime after 6pm).

I am tired of finals, I am tired of 18 year olds that I have to listen to who tell me how they have seen life. they haven’t seen shit. I am tired of teachers that dont give a damn, dont help thier students and in general are just fucked up. Add New

I am tired of having to save up so once a month me and wifey can go to Denny’s. I am tired of not being able to repair my computer. I am tired of my teeth fucking falling apart and I don’t have the money to do anything about it. I am tired of everyone telling me “you only have two more years, (ya right, its closer to 3). I am tired of in-laws that are freaked out at me, I am tired of sisters that only call me up to use me. I am tired of friends who end up owing me money and weeks later still cant finish paying me.

Funny thing is I have gotten my forth notice from the military trying to get my interest (lol I would figure they dont want a 31 year old, chunky out of shape guy, but I guess they get desperate). I have seriously considered this. I am sure the spousal unit doesn’t think I take it serious  (I have) but right now I am sooo tired of not having a steady paycheck, I am soo tired of cranking out 12,000 of debt every year and I am sooo tired of not being able to afford shit.

I am seriously considering at this moment of going down to part time (6 credits a quarter – so I dont have to start paying back loans and I can continue my education at a slower pace) and going to work full time so we dont have to borrow any more money from the government and so we can afford to go out to eat, buy things we want and have some enjoyment. I am too damn old for this shit to be this poor and not try and fix it.

I am also damn tired of everyone telling me to not stress, by far this fucking pisses me off the most. They dont have to live in my mind or my situation, most of these  people can always go back to mommy and daddy, yet for some perverse reasons the gods have decided to have me born into a family that i have to support. Unlike every fricken one else that i know.

They all have parents they can borrow from or at the very least the parents are able to take care of themselves. Me, I am born into a family where I have  to support my fricken parents because years of drug and alcohol abuse have fucked them up, their bodies and their minds. I mean don’t get me wrong I  love them and thats why I try and support  them when I can (and when I make enough money to buy land I will move them on to it) because I do believe in taking care of them, but I get soo damn tired of everyone else just patting me on the back and saying they understand. No they don’t, lying pieces of shit.

I am friggen tired of being poor, at this exact moment I am not sure what I am going to do, but I need to alleviate our money problems.

Sorry, I am going to stop now because now I am just winding up tighter and getting angrier and its not something you guys deserve.

Feeling like crap

This morning I woke up feeling like shit physically, mentally and emotionally. I probably will call the boys in a little bit and cancel hanging out. I think I got a cold, combine that with the shit my sister pulled and the stress I am feeling about my dad being in jail all in all makes me a nasty guy at the moment.

I hate the world and I am just hoping someone gives me lip so I can beat them into the ground (ok I wont, and I know thats a bad thing, but thats the crappy mood I am in).

I am a little stressed about our car situation, its not for me or the wife, we both do fine without a car, its my mom, she has some major surgical stuff coming up and my dumbass meth-head sister is never reliable to her or my dad. I get worried on how she will get places. I probably wont try and get the car fixed, its just something I am a little fixated on and worried about.

Brother, me, mom, sister – January 2003

I have thought about it and I have to put my tattoo off til at least March (unless I get a job before then, then I can spend money on Tats). I do have the money in my pocket for the outlining of it, but I dont feel I can contribute that money for it. The wife’s back is hurting and she is saving up for a mattress that will help, and honestly as far as priorities go she is my ultimate number one priority, I would drop anything in my life for her needs and would kill someone for her if it was needed (and there are people out there rolling their eyes about that, lol its funny because its true).

I lucked out when I found someone to be so devoted to that she doesn’t take advantage of it. She needs a good mattress and her feeling better physically means she is happier which in the end makes me happier.

I am also slightly frustrated with my clan, dont get me wrong I have a reliable core (Yog, Astarte, Deep One, Tsathoggua, Nng and a couple of others) but the rest only bitch about wanting admin access and how they try to split hairs on the requirements for the clan. I have the strongest urge to go through and fire 50% of the clan just to par it down, but I wont. I feel I need to do it right and give them every opportunity to show me they want to be in it for any other reason then admin access on the public server.

If finances are poor next quarter they will be surprised when I reduce the server to a 12 man private server for matches only, Some would say but “Lilith is already paying for a 12 man private server” but if I reduced it down I would have her stop paying as I think its my responsibility to provide the server and no sense in having two private servers unless we branched out into DoD (which I wouldnt mind). On a good note practices have been extremely good, a large turnout and people seem excited about the upcoming competitions. I think Nng is right, I am too nice sometimes, maybe I will cut that back.

As for the rest of my personal life in this crappy mood I am in consists mostly of C++ projects and ASP.Net projects (which when I learn ASP will rock, because then I can program a database for Dying Light that is self updating and completely set up so anyone can access thier characters on the internet, buy thier own skills and print out thier own tags before game. Thus reducing Logistics to new players and me maintaining the database and ensuring no errors occur. WOOOT totally automated and accurate logistics I can not even imagine that.

Well Crappiness is still with me, better contact the boys.

Dad in Jail

Well, its Saturday afternoon and I am exhausted.

Its been a long week for me. I found out December 30th that my dad got busted for old DUI warrants from 4 1/2 years ago and now he is in jail. On top of this the next day he went before the one judge in all of the county that hates his guts (the judge specifically reversed the order of the cases so my dad would go last, even the Bailiff was a little weirded out about how the judge did that).

The rub of this is that this was also the last day this judge would be around, he was retiring starting the next day. Not only did he slap 1.5 times the normal bail, he then turned around, doubled it again and told the court that my father could not use a bail bond for his bail, he would have to post with cash only.

Now even with all these hiked up numbers it comes to only $7,000 but no one in my family has that kind of money so my dad sits in jail. I got to visit him today, actually he was much better looking then he has for awhile. They don’t allow smoking or drinking in jail so my dad is starting to feel better (he has emphysema but keeps smoking like a chimney). He looks healthier and he has a lot of his old energy. I am pretty sure that in the end this is the best thing that could have happened to him because it gets his past behind him and now he will deal with the results and move on.

Jimbo (L) and Dad (R)

It was a pain in the butt to go visit though, I hate jails (when I was a kid he got in a lot of fights and was in jail a good amount of the time) and of course this brought back all the old memories. I have been in a black mood all day and probably mostly due to this experience (anticipating the trip to  visit my father in jail). Well its over now, I feel remarkably better, he seemed happier if you could believe it.

Don’t get me wrong, my dad is an awesome guy, he just likes his alcohol alot (probably the biggest reason I dont drink, alcoholism runs in the family pretty badly). He is pretty intent on quitting drinking and smoking (which may sound like something anyone would say when in this situation but he normally will not admit to quitting anything longer then “a few weeks” this is the first time in a long long time he has told me he intends on quitting permanently).

So on the way home I used some saved up money, bought two steaks, some salad makings and some mushrooms to use with the steak and I plan on cooking the wife some dinner later tonight, too exhausted to do it right now. Maybe I will go play some CS.

I am getting heavy eyelid syndrome so I will sign off now, everyone have a good day.

UW Seattle and Spouse Nightmare

Update note: I refer to my wife, that is indeed the same person that is currently my husband. 

I have been having nightmares for the past 4 days in a row and even though they are different they feel like they are getting worse. Normally I would tell the wife unit but she has been freaked out by her parents and sister and I haven’t felt I had the right to burden her. So what am I going to do? Yes I am going to burden all of you by making you hear about my nightmare from last night.

First I should give you some background. I occasionally will have streaks of nightmares. I haven’t had a horrible streak of nightmares in a few years but when I was younger I would have long streaks of wake up screaming nightmares. Usually it starts as fall approaches and I just noticed its fall again. Hmm coincidence? I think not.

Some other background info, when I was young (in high school) I got picked on by the jocks. The funny thing is I used to be a football player for neighborhood leagues but I got tired of the competition so I gave it up and my family moved up to B’ham. So while I went to high school in B’ham I had long hair and ratty clothes.

For the first few days I got picked on mercilessly, I think this is because the jocks knew I had not made any friends yet so there was no “clique” that would protect me. I tolerated the picking on for a while but I felt more and more trapped and one morning in jock hall (I had to walk down jock hall to go to my Drama class) they started taunting me again. Honestly what happened next was kind of a blur but I found myself picking out the biggest football player and like a screaming banshee I grabbed him threw him against a locker, kneed him several times and began pounding his face screaming I was going to bury him and the rest of the football team in the back field.

Now most of you who know me in real life must realize at the time I was 6 inches shorter and about 100lbs lighter (about 5’10 150 lbs or so). When I recovered from my temporary freak out the jocks had moved about 10 feet away from me and the burly guy I was holding was crying. I released him and walked away.

The weird thing is the principle was not informed by the jocks and they gave me a wide birth for the rest of my high school experience (I even became friends with a couple of the cooler jocks). Although to this day people who taunt me just piss me off, probably a holdover from this time period. Well I think that is enough of a background of what I think is relevant issues (well there are others but I don’t want to go into them, they are too personal to wish to post). Well here it is, the dream that freaked me out.

The wife had super short hair again (for some reason that’s my favorite) and was wearing some of her clothes that enhance what she looks like (e.g. short and leathery). We were both going to UW in Seattle and it appeared that we were both in some sort of lecture hall with low lighting. I was listening to the professor when I looked over and this girl was glaring at me for some unknown reason. I became very uncomfortable when I noticed three different guys glaring at me. They all had the “I am a jock but trying to look alternative” appearance and they began throwing shit at me and threatening me, this of course reminded me of high school and I felt a freak out coming.

Eventually the class ended with me having a small frenzy, I grabbed one of their desks flipped it over and explained in a very low voice to his ear that I would kill him if he didn’t leave me and mine alone. Well the three of them (with the girl) left the room and I had this feeling the shit was going to hit the fan so I caught up to my spouse outside the room. I found that she was talking and laughing with those three boys and yes I admit I am a jealous person but I didn’t feel it was my right to stop her from talking to people. They wrote their phone numbers on her arm and left.

I had this feeling I was going to have to fight all three of them at a time, I wasn’t scared of fighting them but I was worried about going to jail for giving the three of them a beat down. I got an extendable nightstick and hung it off my belt (you never know when they might jump you). Then spousal unit and I went outside and found ourselves in downtown Seattle. We wondered up a small street and sitting on a ledge by the street we saw our friend Kailey.

We sat down and talked, and the spouse told me she forgot something and she would be right back. Well I sat with Kailey talking and horsing around when after awhile I noticed she had not come back and I was becoming increasingly worried that something might have happened to her. Eventually I told Kailey I would be back later, got up and headed back into the school. Weirdly enough I found both my brother and my mother in the school but both claimed to not have seen her (and even in my dream state I thought it was weird to see both of them there).

I wandered through school until I noticed a line of boys at a doorway. Someone was taking money from them. There was the biggest pit in my stomach as I noticed that the guy taking money was the redhead of the three guys I got into the yelling match with. Part of me did not want to know and walk away. I knew what was going on, I could feel it in my gut. I whipped out my nightstick and hit the first jock so hard I heard a soft cracking sound and he dropped like a stone. I stepped in and saw the other two giggling and going over a pile of money. To my left I saw movement on a table (all I could make out where handcuffs and writhing on the table) and for some reason in my dream I knew what was happening but I couldn’t force my dream self to look.

I stepped forward and in a short time I dropped the other two jocks pretty quickly, the sounds of it reminded me of when I was 16 and did drop a jock with a baseball bat after he hit me with it first. I turned around and for a brief second I saw the spousal unit and this boy silhouetted, she was staring at me and I woke up (my gut felt on fire, I think my ulcers might be coming back) and the reason I woke up is because she was angry at me and I was unable to determine whether it was because I interrupted her and something she wanted to do or because I was late in rescuing her.

This dream freaked me out this morning so badly I had to get up and puke in our main bathroom. I realize by reading this, someone who was not me may not understand why its so horrific and it freaked me out so bad but I felt I needed to write it down and tell others and maybe I can prevent my dreams continuing on a downward spiral.