Posted in Internal Thoughts Memories Opinion

Food Security and Emotional Issues

I have always had a weird love/hate relationship with food resulting in some issues. I do emotionally eat, counting calories freaks me out and I have the hardest time leaving food on the table.

I grew up extremely poor (living in a car poor). This meant from the age of 8 or 9 on we were on food stamps. Contrary to what the DSHS people said back then (and the conservatives) they do not give you enough food stamps to feed a family. Nowadays DSHS  just say its only supposed “augment” someone, not be the sole food support. That is all fine and good if you are a single or adult couple, but anyone who seriously thinks its ok to only “augment” feeding a child is full of shit.

We ate well at the beginning of the month (no, it wasn’t all steak and caviar, fuck you conservatives). By the middle of the month the food was running out and we were living off of food bank contributions. By the end of the month there was donating blood and whatever other ways to scrounge up the money. All of this meant I had stretch marks on my hips and belly.

Coming back from the food bank. I have learned since then how to photograph better.

You heard me right, as a teenager I was skinny, and the weight fluctuations between the beginning of the month and the end of the month left stretch marks on my sides and belly that were there until my early 20s. The girls I was intimate with were usually disturbed by it. Even Wolsey commented on it when we started dating. I didn’t understand that stretch marks weren’t normal. I had just assumed that was normal.

We might have lived in a car, but it was a stylish car.

Food was a big deal in my family. If there was a holiday, or if some emotional trauma occurred my parents would beg, borrow or sell things to buy us something special. On the super rare times, we went out to eat, we finished everything brought to us. Hell, we finished everything at home for the same reasons. You never walked away from your plate with any food on it.

Things have been weird now for 25 years. I have always been ok with food security since I moved in with my husband, I have been in a stable relationship and within a few years my stretch marks left. We have always made enough to cover our bills and groceries and this scarcity hasn’t been an issue.However, I still fight with the following:

  1. I literally have to force myself not to eat all my food on my plate, especially when I am in a restaurant. It freaks me out that it is a waste of money (which it isn’t, and I can afford easily anyways). The thing is I logically know this even if it bothers me a lot.
  2. I can afford to emotionally eat. While it was a great internal relief as a child/teen because it was a rare occurrence, nowadays if I am upset I crave sugar, especially something like jelly beans and licorice I can buy it at will (and I do some of the time).
  3. The worst part is counting calories. I don’t know why, but it makes everything else in my life just explode. I can follow a regimen, eat the same thing every day, but I then get compulsive in checking. Then I just get aggravated, then the hubby gets my venting. We have tried it off and on for years, but counting calories, and diets in general do not work for me. The panic attacks are not worth it. I still can’t tie out why this bothers me.

I thought I would just ramble about this because I am looking at working out more. I would like to build up my stamina (and hey, losing fat isn’t a bad thing). I know that diet is more effective, but I don’t see myself changing my eating habits by a lot. So, I guess I am just explaining why a diet isn’t part of my future conversations about working out. I will try and eat a bit better, but no calorie counting, or crazy (e.g. stupid) diets.

Today was a sharing day.

Posted in General Update Internal Thoughts Opinion

Shit…

I realize I haven’t been on much, life is busy. However, last night’s election has definitely made things more anxiety filled. I have a post on Accidentally gay I wrote about. I am going to crosspost it here.

I am sure this is only the first of many posts dealing with the results of the elections this year (2016). I had several articles/posts ready to be worked on but after last night I figured I should get my initial thoughts and feelings out for posterity.

Yep, its like that.
Yep, its like that.

I am not too surprised at what happened. Of course I am hurt that a sexist, racist, homophobic and xenophobic person was elected, but not surprised. I have spent a lot of time traveling over the last two years to the southern states and it was there I saw this in action the most, but I have seen it locally as well.

Don’t get me wrong, there was more than just the sexism, racism, bigotry and homophobia that was the cause for his election as president. People are angry, they want real change. Sadly I don’t think they are going to get the change they really want from a rich guy who has been bankrupt four times. People are reaching to make something great, when it was never great in that way.

After I watched the election results roll in, I felt like I was punched in the gut though, not because of all the slew of liberal/progressive issues I am in favor of, but for the safety of Wolsey. The first thing I thought about was his safety.

We fortunately live in a very very blue area, but this election has not only shown we haven’t progressed as a society as far as I had hoped, but there will be those that will take this as a sign to attack verbally, physically, legally anyone that doesn’t believe like they do.

I am suspecting there will be an increase in attacks on the LGBTQA community, even in my blue area. I don’t worry about myself. I am a big guy, most people leave me alone anyways, and even if they don’t it isn’t much of a worry. I worry a lot about my husband though. Not that he isn’t tough, but he is the person I love most in this world. I don’t want to see him in pain. This includes emotional pain from the hatred that this election is spewing forth towards everyone, especially transgender individuals.

I suspect I will be writing a lot, which is a good thing for me anyways, but I wish it was for other reasons.

I guess we get to live in “interesting times”. Personally I would rather live in boring, safe and happy times.

Posted in Internal Thoughts Opinion

Why the hate?

This morning I was reading an article about the idea of reducing the work week from 45+ hours a week down to 30. The idea is it would be healthier for employees and allow for a more well balanced work/life experience.

This is all stuff that is fairly straight forward and has been proven in many many studies. Stress and work anxiety is a huge reason for health issues (including cancer), it is also responsible for incredibly stress between partners and family members, almost as much as money is a problem.

All of this seems pretty logical to me. Personally once we get our credit cards paid off when Jello graduates, this might be a great thing to do. We could easily live off 30 hours each and still have a savings.

What caught me off guard was the vitriol that the commenters went on about. How it was only for lazy people, how it would destroy business, etc. Not even addressing the fact that there are countries where this is the norm and it hasn’t destroyed them. I keep wondering why the anger and taking it personally? It just seems weird that people would be so vitriolic.

Do they feel it invalidates the whole idea of consumerism? Does it put to question our desire to chain ourselves to more than a quarter of a million dollars of debt for something we don’t actually own until we pay it off? I have rants about those as well, but honestly I won’t go into that here, they deserve their own posts.

Then again, I know I get push back from possible employers because I don’t want to work 55 hour weeks as a norm (or even 45 hours). I personally would rather get paid less and work a max of 40 hours a week (and honestly once Jello is out of school I would be down for 32).

Does this make me lazy? No I don’t think so, but it does make me different then most of the commenters evidently.

Posted in Internal Thoughts

The Start

I am super nervous. Our realtor will be meeting with us tomorrow night to look over two possible condos. We have a huge list, and these two are actually only about 10 blocks from us (right on the other side of the college). Now, one is a short sale and the other is bank owned so if we like it, it will probably take forever. However that is fine, we are secure where we are and the more time gets me more time to put money away to get Wolsey a car (before the student loans kick in).

The cool thing is the base house payment (and HoA) for any condo we get will be the same or cheaper than our current ghetto apartment. Even with taxes our upper end condo budget will not be much more than the apartment we had in Everett.

Its the start of the home owner journey. I am freaking out with stress, but within 6 months to a year we should have a home. I will be less nervous after my year probationary period ends at my new job and we will be doing awesome when the wife graduates.

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Posted in Internal Thoughts Opinion

Bailout bullshit

I say here and now that this whole bailout is bullshit its a last desperate gasp of the corrupt administration and rich backers. I have been reading some articles and there are non banking institutions who are claiming money from the government (including Rudy Guiliani’s company wanting money to help with the bailout). 

Not a single middle class American will be helped by this bill. Sure everyone is going to claim it saves our middle class by saving our economic capabilities. That is bullshit, it wont save any mortgages, it will only give the rich more money.  I keep hearing how the market will take care of itself, evidently it wont and that was all bullshit. Does any of the poor or middle class get health insurance, no. Does anyone get help with their mortgages or credit card debt, no. Is there more jobs, no. This is the same trickle down theory that caused this bullshit.

Our best option would be to let everything crash and then rebuild. Yes it would be hard, but maybe what came out of the ashes would not be a house of cards. None of this fixes the inherent problems of wall street or banks, its just a “get out of jail free” card.

I have a feeling I will have a lot more rants about this coming up.

Posted in Internal Thoughts Opinion

Oil Barons

Oh, its confirmed, the oil companies this quarter have broken historical records of the largest profits in a single quarter in all of corporate history. Exxon led with 9.9 BILLION profit, with the other four large companies right behind.

Yesterday representatives of all five went before Congress, when a republican senator asked for them to be sworn in, the head Congressman in charge of the investigation refused them and told them that they would not allow forcing the CEO’s to be sworn in and be held under oath on why they charge what they do, hmm can we say oil money bought him. For some reason even with all the supposed problems and storms, their profits are actually officially up 62% since last year.

http://money.cnn.com/2005/11/07/news/economy/oil_hearing/

http://houston.bizjournals.com/houston/stories/2005/11/07/daily40.html

fucking thieving corporate assholes, I so can’t wait until the oil runs out and we have to go to biodesiel.