Tangent: Weird Childhood Memories 1

I often have memories that are sometimes funny, serious, concerning, or just weird that I can’t remember what explicitly they are from, or have any real context. Of course, my therapist says a lot of that is probably my childhood trauma, or situations I don’t fully remember, but a lot of times they are just weird memories.

One of those weird childhood memories was what I assumed was a dream or something. It was a heavier german soldier on top of an Alpine Ski Car being kicked in the face and bleeding everywhere before falling to his death. It didn’t scare me in a scary way, but it had some weird fascination on my part, probably because I have a fear of heights (although not afraid of flying… go figure…).

It is one of those hundreds of memories that pops up unbidden when I am just waking up, extremely tired, upset, or just in a weird mood. It wasn’t a horrible memory, nothing that caused me distress at all, just a weird fixation. I knew it was somewhere in my very early childhood that I had either a dream or seen something.

Today I found where it came from by accident, a 1968 movie named “Where Eagles Dare” starring Clint Eastwood and a bunch of other actors from that time.

Ok, the movie isn’t nearly as cool as the movie poster shows…

I just saw the scene when Richard Burton (a famous old days actor) was kicking the face of a German spy and knocking him off. I think what stuck with me since childhood was the German spy screaming for help. This is definitely the chunk of the movie that for whatever reason I never forgot.

The exact part of the movie that has stuck with me for 42+ years… weird.

I am sure I saw it on tv with my dad when I was young (under 11 or 12, probably 4-8 years old) when we lived at Twelve Pines Apartments in Everett. Now that I saw the rest of the movie and think about it, I remember it being a sunny day with that cool but sunny spring air that Washington State gets. I believe and we were sitting in the living room apartment of our first apartment in the complex (we lived in two, the second one we moved into when my brother was born in 1980).

You can tell that is the old living room because out the window is the very left-hand side of the playground area that is near the building across the street. Also, that is me sitting on the couch (in both pictures). I will have to go back and fix these photos for the future.

Since it was before 1980 it means I was 8 or less, and that fits now that I think about it. It wasn’t a scary movie, scary memory just a weird image that I would sometimes remember. It makes me remember my dad this morning too. It isn’t a sad memory, we always sat and watched tv together in the morning while he drank instant coffee.

I sit here now super early in the morning, drinking instant coffee and I do miss him, a little sadness just crept in, but that being said I am grateful to have that memory and now I know where it came from.

Throwback Thursday 7-22-21

Today I wanted to post a picture of my paternal grandmother and myself, and being in an ornery mood I thought I wanted a more unusual Throwback Thursday.

Here is me visiting my grandmother at the age of 1 or 2, sometime late 1972 or early 1973 at “Purdy”, aka Washington Correct Center for Women in Pierce County, one of two women’s prisons in Washington State.

I will eventually post a real post about her, but here is a spoiler, I loved her very much, and there is a reason why my dad was like he was, at least from his starting position.

I was happy to see granny, evidently she really liked me back. It worked out well.

Strange Meetings (dream)

Last night I had a weird, anxious and intense dream that lasted all night. Probably part of it is anxiety, finally system clear of narcs and any other aid to help sleep or maintain my mood.

Wolsey and I had moved to what looked like Seattle, a large city in a rainy area. We met up with some of the people that lived around there and it turned out a lot of them were people I knew as a teenager in Bellingham. Not any of my closest circle of friends, but all people I interacted with regularly.

Side note – when I was a teenager, I went to five high schools. There was a combination of homelessness, drunken Vietnam Vet/underworld shit along with our family having a contract on our head and the first year of repeated moving was literally due to avoiding having another attack on our family.

If I get brave I might go in-depth about it at some other time. If my childhood was a tv show, it would be a bad “gritty drama” because people would think no way all that shit happened, but it did and it shaped the core of who I am.

I finished off the last two years of high school at Bellingham High School (yes that means I went to four high schools in two years before). I had a couple of friends I considered really close, and it is also when I met hubby. I never fit in with the high school crowd though.

I suspect part of it was that I had grown up in a lot harder position than almost any of them. The other, and probably bigger part, was that I was new to Bellingham, I wasn’t a local and I hadn’t at least lived there in middle school or earlier. Bellingham and all of Whatcom County were extremely insular then. People had lived there for generations and the only real new people in town were usually just going to school at Western Washington University, then they would leave.

It meant the friend’s cliques were already established and I ended up on the outside of all of the established groups that were involved high school-wise. The one advantage though is that I interacted with almost all the groups because of it. I wasn’t considered “the enemy”, just someone that was around school.

I spent most of the night talking with people like Clark and Boris (last names withheld to protect the innocent). We got along in high school, and to be honest, Boris was always really nice to me. For whatever reason, though they had a weirdness about them towards me during our discussion over lunch that time and distance didn’t create.

I didn’t know that reason was at least until I realized that I looked like I do now while I was in the dream and all of these people I haven’t seen since long before I started transition.

The rest of the dream now has faded mostly. I talked with several others and left the area feeling uncomfortable and saddened for an unknown reason.

I was going to post more about the dream, there were some fine details, but I wanted to make sure I was right that it was Clark that was in the dream. So I went onto classmates.com and found I was right.

It is also when I remembered I don’t have a picture in the senior yearbook for 1989. At the time I was too poor to afford a color photographer and they weren’t offering the black and white packages to seniors so they told me I couldn’t get my picture in the yearbook. They also somehow left my name out of it, that is a negative side effect of not being in any group.

That is the end result of joining up in Bellingham High School as a junior and being poor. At the time I wasn’t angry about any of it. We had just avoided dying, being homeless and to be honest I think I was too much of an adult in too many ways (but not in all the ways that you need to be) that I just sort of pushed through it.

I think I am angry now. Not really any one thing that I can define at the moment. I do think it might have gone better if I was able to come out then. Actually it was the 1980s that shit wouldn’t fly so no it wouldn’t have changed anything, just gave it a different taste I suppose.

Oh, and I just found out that Boris is an author/artist and his stuff is still as different as it was in high school. Good for him!

As for anyone reading this, it sort of went tangential and then off the path completely. Sorry about that :).

Boyscout Adventure


From Parents Photo Album

Here is another pic, since I don’t have any taken today I figured I would upload another one. This one is from my Boy Scout days (thats me on the left, eyes closed wearing a yellow rain jacket, my friend Joey LaPoint on the right). This is sometime around 1981-82. I was a fairly active member of the Boy Scout, even though we were poor my parents scrapped together enough to send me.

This trip was rather hellish – especially since it was a four day weekend. To start it off we (as in my family) couldn’t afford a backpack, so I brought my gear in a suitcase that was bigger then me (I shit you not, I could climb in it). We got to the parking area for the camp. Since we got there so late we had to actually (as a scout troop) camp at the parking area until morning. This was then when my group (four of us) realized we had forgotten the poles to our tent. The first night we had to string the tent itself across a picnic bench and slept under it. We woke up the next morning sore, wet and tired. After a quick breakfast we  hiked close to four miles, for a city boy thats a long ways (as can be seen I wasn’t tubby, just a normal kid). This hike sucked even more because all my camping gear was in my suitcase, I had never realized before (and have never forgotten since) that hauling suitcases long distance sucks.

We got to the beach at the end of the trail and the scout troop made camp. Our group, with the help of our scout leader was able to string our tent up using rope and trees. He then told us we should hang our food up high (this is important to note for later in the story). Being the young kids we were, we were in a hurry so we buried the food next to our tent.

At this same place was a small mini-mountain that extended into the Pacific Ocean. It was low tide so you could cross and sit up on top of it (it was a couple of hundred feet tall, ok thats what it seemed like, it probably wasn’t quite so tall if I saw it now). We played on it while a storm rolled in. My little squad didn’t notice the tide rising until it had cut us off from the beach. Our scoutmaster yelled we would have to weather it since we were dumbasses who didn’t come back when told. Long after dark the tide receded and several very wet kids crawled down the mountain and into our tent.

We then laid in the tent and promptly fell asleep. We were woken up once by a Bear nearby (s/he was probably smelling our food) and that was it. We woke up bright and early the next morning. That is when we found our food dug up. Evidently the night before, raccoons had dug up our food and took off with it. They even got our Top Ramen soup packets (they left the noodles). For the next day and a half we had to eat Top Ramen plain. This would explain my adult hatred of top ramen (even if I don’t mind the other stuff).

By the end of our trip I was sick (as in pukey), exhausted, and sort of numb all over. We were wet, cold and had just hiked another three miles back in, before that happened however; the assistant scoutmaster took pity on me and fed me some Cinnamon Apple Oatmeal, with grape Kool-Aid (which I promptly puked up, I have to say grape Kool-Aid is nastier coming up then going down). Before the sickness hit me though, he snapped this picture of me.

Its funny, ever since then I have hated Top Ramen, and Grape Kool-Aid. I have also a fondness for Cinnamon-Apple Quaker Oatmeal. I think part of it, when growing up, we were too poor to ever afford oatmeal that came in packets (especially flavored), so not only was it the first real food in a weekend, it was a definite treat, since we could have never had that at home.

Thats it for that picture… more to come.


Dreams 11-06-06

I had more dreams again last night, I know they spanned across the whole night but can only remember chunks.

The first part had me over on Meridian street by the furniture stores. I had just gotten off a bus and was super pissed about something.the Wife was stomping off with a female friend (we probably had an arguement, its kind of dim right on what happened) and I just unbuttoned the white button up shirt and started walking home.

The second part took place outside our house. Evidently we were living at a ranch or farm type house. I was still pissed about something (it was I believe the same dream, but it was later last night) andthe Wife and I could hear a car/truck outside of our property. There was a large solid wall around our property so we had to walk up to the front driveway. Thats when we noticed three people messing around near a car. There was a younger male (probably early 20’s), a younger female in her late 20’s, and a redheaded older male, with a bushy mustache in his late 30’s or a bit older.

They had teeth clippings and tail clippings from our horses. I walked up demanding to know what the fuck they were doing. They just kind of smile at me threateningly and declare they were checking on the conditions of “their” horses (implying they were going to take them). I knocked the mane hair out of the woman’s hands and stepped up to the older male, grabbed the small bag of teeth clippings (much like hoof clippings, don’t know how my dream interpreted it as teeth) and threw it out of his hands.

The older male all of a sudden got threatening, and pulled out a pistol pointing it atthe Wife telling me to watch what I was doing or I would regret it. He then went to put it away and I flipped out because he had threatened the wifey. I knocked it out of his hands (there was a definite look of surprise from the guy) and I kicked him squarely between the legs and then as he dropped to his knees kicked him in the face. While he was sprawled out I turned and before the girl could do anything I punched her a couple of times, she dropped and I boot partied on her for a few seconds. 

The third (younger) guy had left (or at this stage of the dream not sure if my dream even considered him there to begin with). I turned around and went back up to the older man. I had noticed I hadn’t yelled or screamed at him yet. As I walked up he was starting to apologize and saying to take it out on him and leave the girl alone. I just flipped out and started kicking his head and jaw. I was also starting to scream at him, telling him I was going to fuck him up bad for threatening my wife. After a few minutes I stopped and he was trying to apologize for pointing the gun atthe Wife. He then said not to punish the girl but to take it out on him.

I kicked him a few times more in the chest (I didn’t want to give him lasting brain damage beyond what might have happened the first couple of kicks, after those I aimed at the lower face/jaw). I then leaned real close and told him how if I was going to take this out on him I would fuck the girl up with my boots and he would have to live for the rest of his life knowing he caused her so much pain trying to be tough.

At this point is when I woke up, part of me was bothered that I would even threaten that. I have no doubt if someone threatened a friend/family, most especially if they threatenedthe Wife that I would do exactly what I did in my dream by beating the crap out of someone and not caring about what the police might do. I think I was bothered even more with the idea that if the girl was involved in threatening my wife I may follow through on that last part.

I am normally a nice guy. Only two or three times in my life have I flipped like that.

Once when I was 16 and I was hit full on in the face with a baseball bat (this is why a large chunk of my teeth have issues), I took the baseball from the guy and beat him with it til he wouldn’t/couldn’t get up.

Once when we were in the graveyard at age 19/20 and I just started kicking the guy down a hill that was fucking with gravestones and being threatening (although that time was somewhat funny, I was standing on my left leg with my right leg sticking straight out and I hopped at the guy kicking him down the hill).

A couple of times Weylin saved people when I was wasted and they were trying to score withthe Wife, thanks yoggi-bear.

Most recent time was when the Wife, myself and were walking outside of bellis fair a couple of years ago and an Arabic man in a volkswagon bus with Canadian license plate, zoomed by us as we crossed the road. He was screaming, yelling and I flipped him off and told him to fuck off or suck my dick or something insulting (I don’t remember what specifically now). He spun his bus around the parking lot and parked behind us about 20 feet. He continued to scream at us.

I continued to find this funny and would yell back and then his tone changed so I paid a bit more attention and he pulled his hand out like it was a pistol and aimed it atthe Wife and make shooting motions. That flipped me out and I walked up to his van and poked him in the forehead with my finger asking him what the fuck he was doing. The absolute look of surprise on his face, that I walked up to him and did that now is increadibly funny. At the time I really really really wanted to haul him out of that van and beat him until he couldn’t move. The only thing that kept me only poking him in the forehead hard with my finger wasthe Wife screaming at me not to do anything that would make me go to jail. Part of me was hoping he would pull a real weapon, but I did realize I wasn’t justified in doing anything else (and probably wasn’t justified in poking him in the head, but he was threatening my wife).

I stepped away as my wife’s wise words kept me on a much needed leash (thanks wifey, I really do mean that). He just stared at me like I was a crazy man and he drove off and we continued on our way.

I think the dream bothered me so much because if circumstances in my later teen/ early twenty life had been different I might have followed a not so nice path in life. Sometimes I get so angry and I just shove it inside and smile at people, I am terrified of someday losing it on someone though and doing what I did in the dream to someone in real life. I don’t think those circumstances would be easy to come by, but the possibility worries me

PS. I do realize this is all probably because of last week’s midterms and tomorrow’s midterms.

Dreams 7-29-18

Last night I had a dream that really kind of bothered me.

It was in an old house my parents had rented when I was a kid, on Iron Street. There were some differences, mainly my parents were the same age they are now (as was I), there were flourescent lights behind plexiglass advertisements on the corner of the wall/ceiling and my parents were sitting there being a bit spacey.

A younger brunette with a very alternative look was there as well. She introduced herself to me, but something bothered me when she did so (and I cannot seem to remember her name). She followed me around my parents house while I got some coffee and lunch. I noticed some weird plastic cap thingees in the sink. 

The dark haired girl with the peircings and chopped up tee-shirt kept coming on to me (no it was not a representation of the wife), she was in the corner of my dream house somewhere and I knew it). She even went so far as to push her ass up against me every chance she got. But I continued to ignore her.

I went back out into the living room, just as I was doing that, my little brother Bear was shooting up drugs (heroin). I freaked out on him and he said my parents were doing it as well. It dawned on me that they were nodding out and I immediately understood the plastic thingees were needle caps.

I freaked out, went into the living room and confronted my parents. They said that yes, they are doing it. I found out it was from the dark haired alternative girl that they started and it was too late for them to now quit. 

I immediately woke up. Its not that my parents haven’t tried all drugs (they have), but they have never been fond of forcing drugs into your veins directly. I also realize this dream most likely because my aunt Ines had a heart attack last week (sounds even more severe then my mother’s two years ago). She lived a life of a junkie, not my parents sometimes doing drugs or drinking, but a full blown, sticking needles in her arm with her daughter (my cousin) Sarah.

I worry about my mom. She is the youngest of them (Ines is 59, my mom 57, and the oldest aunt Ardis is 62 I believe). My mom is likely to be hurt and cry if something happens to Ines. Sadly enough Ines never really acted like she cared about my mom (most junkies don’t/can’t care about others while fucked up) and never really contacted my mom, after her big heart attack. So I honestly don’t feel emotional at all about my middle aunt having a heart attack. Of course I don’t want to see her die, but selfishly that is mostly so I don’t have to see my mom suffer.

Well, that is it for now, exhausted, maybe I can get back to sleep.

Halloween Sadness

I remember growing up in the ’70’s and early-mid ’80s. Halloween was the best holiday ever. We would get dressed and by 6pm my parents would take us out to hit up the neighborhood.

I remember getting home around 8ish, with an entire pillowcase full of candy. Even though we would eat so much candy on Halloween that we would get sick we still always had enough candy to to last late into November.

I remember the smiling faces of people handing out candy, and the race to hit all the “good” houses before they ran out. This nebulous running out almost never happened but we were always worried. Up until I was 11 we would hit up our 80 unit apartment complex and then venture out into the projects (we lived in the projects, but for some reason we never thought of our complex as part of the projects, then again my friends who lived in “the projects” never thought their places were in the projects but that I lived in them).

It was such a cool experience, a lot of the older people went all out with decorations and would always talk with each child about their costume. I remember a couple of older couples that gave out full size candy bars, not the weeny little bars, they of course were our childhood favorite places to trick or treat.

For the last 10 years we have gotten almost no trick or treaters to our door. Yes the whole poison and razor blade scare freaks people out. But as it turns out all of the poison incidents turned out to be family members of the victim. Yet the media hypes the fear and erodes our trust in our neighbors. Unfortunately this is just a sad symptom of the rest of society’s paranoia and trust.

For the last five years the only trick or treaters were my nephew and niece and once we had a little boy in a tiger suit. LOL of course he got almost a whole bag of candy from us (we had like 4 bags and no other trick or treaters) he was so cute.

I am kind of sad about what is happening. Sure the mall is neat, but the entire outlook of taking your kids around the neighborhood was such a cool thing. Sadly enough I kind of looked forward to decorating the house, having candy and maybe even setting up a way to scare the little trick or treaters. At least that was my desire when I got too old to trick or treat myself. But here I am 18-20 years later since I went trick or treating myself and I no longer really try and decorate and this year is the first year I didn’t even buy a “just in case a kid shows up” bag of candy.

It really does sadden me. I don’t think the reason trick or treating stopped is because there was any real danger, rather I think as a society we have gotten so scared and so overly paranoid that its destroying what actually made us a great society.

I never thought I would ever think of the “good old days” but at least with Halloween that seems to be the case (of course its great its my wedding anniversary as well, but just sad about the whole trick or treat thing).

Nasty Dream

Ok, last night I woke up at 2:30 with a terrible dream, terrible enough I had goosebumps and couldnt talk, but when I awoke this morning I don’t remember it.

However I do remember a nasty dream I had as well, this dream is very much TMI, but I need to post it, because I promised myself to start recording all my dreams.

Ok, the dream involved me, Wifey, a girl named Karma and a girl named Muff (Denise). Now this took place current age/date (except I was in a bit better shape and Wifey was her current age but stick thin like back in the gutter punk days, (Karma was also pretty thin, something she wasn’t when I knew her.

To give you a little background all four of us knew each other when we were 16-19, it was almost the same social group (actually more like two social groups that would bump into each other). Karma had offered me sex twice straight up when I was 17, I turned her down both times because she was going out with my best friend (even though he had said it was ok, it wasn’t ok). Muff was a girl I liked but she had too many boyfriends/fucktoys for me to ever really pursue her (although I could have if I wanted). 

On a side note Wifey also went out with my best friend Doug (same guy that was dating Karma earlier), never did approach her then either even though I was really attracted to her even at age 17, but ended up happily married to her, so that’s all good.

Now, the four of us were sitting in a living room like area, just kind of talking and stuff when Wifey looks up and says she wants to give me a blow job (this is not necessarily out of the ordinary, there have been parties or groups we have played publicly in). I looked at her and said “Right here?” she said yes and patted a large sofa like thing. I looked over at Karma and Muff, kind of shrugged and said sure (this is not necessarily out of the ordinary of what has been done in the past in front of friends).

The unusual part was I had a unforeseen issue, a premature firing before she got my pants off all the way (this is extremely out of the ordinary, never ever had this problem, in actuality, I have had the reverse problem where no matter what I couldn’t finish) it caught me off guard but Wifey just joked a bit and it was no big deal.

We are still not at the TMI yet, be warned its coming and you really should avert your eyes from this.

The other two girls were joking around, I got the impression we all had an open friendship (done it in the past, and it usually works well in the beginning until someone outside of me and Wifey gets jealous that we put each other first.

This proceeded fine, when Wifey, Karma, and Muff went into a different room, no biggie and I watched a bit of tv.

A few minutes later I hear the girls yelling for me to come in. So I walk in and Muff, Karma, and a boy I don’t recognize are in the bathtub, no biggie, Wifey is on the side of the tub kind of sitting there (for some reason at this moment I realize she has super blonde hair, love that color on Wifey). I notice though as they motion for me to join them that Muff is taking a big ol’ shit in the bathtub while Karma is trying not to ralph as she eats it (yes gross), meanwhile muff is sucking up some of the scat into her snatch, definately gross.

For some reason at this point I got the image this was specifically being done for purity points, its nasty and one of the few things that I won’t do (done a lot, scat is not really one of my things).

I then look over at Wifey who smiles at me broadly, is obviously done trying to participate but I notice she has a small clump of scat on her chin.

That totally grossed me out and woke me up.

It was a bit funny, I know that scat is something Wifey loathes and wouldn’t do, it struck me as almost funny now that she was even involved. But Karma almost ralphing as she tries and eats Muff’s scat was what really grossed me out, it was that brownish-yellowish kind that was a bit creamy in texture (especially in a half-full bathtub).

Sorry, had to share this with the world. 

It was fucked up, TMI and you probably now wish you hadn’t read that dream I bet.


I had a rather strange dream last night. I dreamt I went to see a movie by myself. I paid the teller for the movie with a$10.00 bill and the teller only gave me a ticket back (the movie cost $7.00). When I got out of the movie, the wife met up with me and I decided to go see another movie. I went up to this pretty asian girl and asked if I could get a ticket for a different movie. She asked which movie and I told her to pick one for me. I then explained that I didn’t get all my change back and instead could I just get the second ticket. After looking through her til she said sure.

While waiting for the movie me and the wife went into the bathroom (she was waiting for me) and while I was peeing this drunk hick looking guy came walking in. He was mumbling to himself and holding a ratty piece of paper. He looked up and me and proclaimed my name loudly and asked me how I had been. I smiled at him and told him fine, I thought I recognized him from middle school. If my memory serves me correct he was supposed to be the grown up version of a friend named Corey McCarter.

I  asked him how he was doing, he replied life sucked. I asked about his kids (for some reason I thought he had kids right out of high school). He replied that none of them were his (this is all still in the bathroom). I told him I was sorry and he started waving around the piece of paper saying its one of my songs/poems I wrote back then.

Everything kinda blurred out and I am not sure what happened except that W was asking about the song/poem. I looked down (I was now holding the piece of paper) it looked like some sort of creative writing homework. It wasn’t very good and I didn’t know why he liked it so much and was singing/quoting it drunkenly.

I then woke up wondering how my old Friends Corey McCarter, Robert White (my closest male friend growing up) and Veronica Welch (my best friend/tomboy/first crush) were doing. I haven’t seen Corey or Robert since I was 14 and I got in trouble for playing D&D with them (then we moved to Lake Stevens and then Cali then up here). Veronica (whom I had always called Ronnie) I did see once when I was in Everett at age 16-17. She grew up from being a skinny tomboy to being a damn attractive girl.

I wonder how they are all doing.

%d bloggers like this: