Some mornings are just rough

Some mornings are great, some mornings are rough. It is just the way it is.

First, let me say that I am quite aware I do not pass. I am absolutely clockable, especially depending on the clothes I wear. I am still way too masculine in the face, even with subtle makeup, but sometimes I can get close. I often times feel I look cute, or at least cute enough.

I had a good week so far at my new job. Monday and Tuesday were smooth. I wore clothing that I just got, and that have had for awhile, so I was mixing and matching. I got good responses (or no responses) all the way around. This morning I wanted to to try on some of the newer clothes as well, after all it worked great on Monday.

I came out dressed and while I am sure it was ok, and hubby said it was fine, I was definitely in an uncomfortable “clocky” way. I don’t mind being transgender, and I wholly support others dressing how they want and being comfortable. I don’t think I will ever fully be passable and I am ok with that, but for some reason this morning I came out, tried two outfits on and couldn’t do it. Self hate really does suck I guess.

So I am dressing in something that is still feminine, but toned down a lot. I don’t have to be at any external auditees places so I don’t have to have full business dress (which case I would go full feminine, I won’t ever put a male suite on again) so I took advantage of it.

Sometimes I don’t understand why I have rough mornings. I realize subtle anxiety from the constant wariness of others, the upcoming surgery, money concerns just add up. However there was no real reason this morning to be uncomfortable, especially with such a supportive spouse.

Good news, I am wearing new pants and they make my butt look good, so there is that 🙂

Some mornings are just rough.

Shoes

I have never cared about my shoes, or honestly about any of my clothing. For years my spouse has struggled to buy me cool things and I would wear what he directed, but never cared at all. I hated the way I looked and that was that.

Since the transition that has changed, the further along I get, the more excited about clothing. This time its about shoes. Even when I got my Uggs I was ok with it (better than normal reaction) but I was still at beginning of my transition. However, last night the red converse my hubby sent me came and I was excited.

Shoes!

The weird part is now I want more clothing, more accessories (necklaces, bracelets, etc) and definitely more shoes. It is the first time in my life I was excited about clothing (except larping clothes, I always got excited by that).

Just thought I would share, I want a huge closet of clothes and shoes and I realize how stereotypical that is, but it is just the way it is.

It looks good, but not wearable just yet

This morning I tried on a cute little black top and I was shocked that I thought it looked cute on me. It was close enough fitting that you could see clearly my new boobs, mostly hugged my abdomen and it accented a girly waist. I guess the left over fat and skin around my abdomen helps in some cases, it gives me a waist when I wear clothes like that!
I was surprised and happy to realize it is pretty clear when I am wearing that, that I have lost 90lbs. First time in decades I didn’t look at that tight a fitting shirt and think I was way too fat to wear it. I showed the hubby and we both agreed though that I was definitely “trans obvious” with my face at this stage of my transition. I think my body worked great in the shirt, but I don’t feel I have transitioned enough face wise to be comfortable wearing it to work. I might wear it to game if I feel good, but not work yet. It is the first time that something that feminine felt right when looking at the mirror. I am not very accepting of my body and that had changed for the first time there. I considered wearing it, but I don’t think it is quite time to be that obvious at work. They would accept it, but it just didn’t look right yet and I would end up being uncomfortable the whole day. So I chose (barely) to not wear it. I am excited for the hormones to keep doing their thing and eventually the FFS. I just thought I would share that it made my morning and gives me a little hope of what I might look ok on the other side.

Shedding the old skin

Well yesterday I made the first step of shedding my old look.

Since the weight loss started in March I have dropped from 300+ lbs down to 217 today in September. I feel good, I think I look a lot better (but I do feel I am not done), and because of this I have a LOT of clothing that I can’t wear.

Most of the clothing is my boy clothing of course, especially my work clothes. I have a ton of clothing that is just hanging out in boxes and bags because it won’t fit me. Yesterday we decided to get rid of the clothing, and not to keep it any longer “just in case”.

We will be giving my boy clothing to my younger brother. He doesn’t have a lot of good clothes anyways and I like being able to help him with what I do have. Combined I am giving away

  • 14 T-Shirts
  • 1 brand new suit (bought in march)
  • 5 belts that are way too long and can’t be cut down.
  • 5 long shorts
  • 2 gym shorts
  • 7 polo shirts
  • 4 casual office pants
  • 3 jeans
  • 8 dress shirts
  • 4 dress pants
  • 1 pair of fatigues
  • 1 sports jacke

March 2018

This leaves me with a few bits of boy work clothing that are much smaller size (from waist size 46+ to now a 36, same with the shirts in reduction.

The surprising part is now I have to get rid of all my initial girl clothing as well, and that is the clothing that made me feel a tinge of worry and maybe regret. None of the boy clothing did that.

Don’t get me wrong, it is great I went down from that size, but it is still a little sad. Also, I will probably have to shop in plus size most of the time anyways no matter how skinny I get, since I am 6’2″+ tall.

So next month when I go up and see my brother I get to give him a new wardrobe. Both the hubby and I figure even if I gained weight back, I won’t be wearing those types of clothes by the time it happens anyway.

September 2018

I am still working on my new wardrobe. The hubby is busily buying things for me as he finds them, and we are both surprised at the sizing getting smaller as we go. He says it is the first time in our 26+ year relationship (26 years married on Halloween, then a couple years before that) that I seem to enjoy getting clothes. I think he is right.

Overall the experience of shifting out clothes is distorted by my body changing shape. I have some pictures of me just in underwear from March of 2018 (what I looked like under the suit) vs now in September. However I don’t think I am ready to see that up here yet, it really makes me dysphoric.

The funny part about this is I couldn’t name why I hated myself so much before I decided to transition, but I truly did, and I still struggle a little now. Although it is getting less, and I am starting to like what I look like better. That is probably a whole entry by itself, but not today.

So there it is, I am making my first full step in shedding my old self, by packing up forever my old clothing. It is scary, but also pretty exciting.

Physical Update

I figured I would give a physical Update. Since this has started I have now lost 70+ pounds. I weight about 230lbs and it dropped from 300+ at the start since end of March 2018. I usually round down which is why I say 65lbs lost with all the fluctuations.

I have dropped from a Casual Male/DXL 46 inch waist (found it is closer to 48+ since they seem to vanity size) to between a 38 and 40 (40s are becoming too big now). I fit in my tiny husband’s baggy cargo pants now (its a 38). I don’t think I have fit that small since I was 24 or so. I can now fit into shirts and pants at Target, without looking like a sausage. First time in a decade. The weight is still coming off so I am still hopeful for the 180-200lb range. I am thinking maybe by Christmas if I am lucky.

The hormones and t-blockers are going well. They upped me to 300mg of Spirolactane and it seems things are working better. Breast growth has started. Not really noticeable unless you know what to look for, but I can feel it. I hear a lot of complaints about pain, but they just ache occasionally. 

I did find out some great news. My insurance changed since it is now through my husband and his job with the state. They will reimburse after six months for electrolysis (I have done it three times now for my face, the laser hair removal part). It means the remaining three times for laser, and the actual electrolysis that follows might be affordable.

Also found out after 1 year (for me I think its April 6 2019) they will cover an orchiotomy and breast augmentation. Definitely the orchie will happen, the breast augmentation will depend on if I am far enough along or if I need the effects of the orchie to help me progress.

The hubby and I have talked about FFS and that is definitely something I want. See if they can pull my scalp forward, some cheek/jaw work and maybe open up my eyes a bit. I don’t think I need a nose job I think, but maybe some lippo under my chin as well. The insurance said its possible it will be allowed next year, but I am not counting on it. As soon as we get hubby’s car paid off I think I am just going to pay it to get it done.

Other than that, I have been super healthy. My depression is at an all time low. I am excited for last three months to just do things, enough so that hubby I am sure is tired by now. Also my hair is getting longer, I am going to get a trim since I have dead ends, but it is longer then it has been since I was 17 and that makes me excited.

Overall my physical and mental condition is great. I will report in on that in another month or two unless something happens.

Stay tuned for more posts though! I have a whole list coming.

 

My first clothing

I have a ton of things I want to talk about. My feelings, my situation, just about everything you can imaging. I also want to research a bunch of things as well, specific things about the process, support groups etc. However, you know what has been the first actual thing I focused on.

Clothing…

The hubby picked me up some clothing. Nothing big or in depth. I am not currently out about being trans and I couldn’t go with him because I am housebound due to an injury. He brought me back a few things and they fit pretty well.

I found that at 6’2″+ and 295-300lbs I fit a 3XL from Target. Honestly better then I expected. The leggings fit is a little off though. I haven’t started hormones yet so my fat deposits are still in a fairly masculine arrangement and the clothing definitely does not fit around my hips, they just slide off.

That being said, my husband is my hero. With is transition from FtM he can give me insights into the feminine world that I haven’t access to. The other great thing is that he sews costumes so he can accommodate my current figure.

I would post more, but it is dangerously close to my feelings and I think that will wait until later. I just wanted to say my husband is awesome.