I start my new old job tomorrow and I have been on high alert all weekend.
I have an advantage that I know what the job does (I even wrote the policies/procedures before I left last time), I know the goals and I know the people for both good and ill. So I am not expecting a surprise from my duties. I am worried about the surprise from my coworkers.
This time is different then when I worked here before. With a last minute decision by me, my supervisor is reintroducing me to everyone with my real pronouns (she/her) and so I am fully out. While that is first time at a job for me for 100% out, it isn’t the most stressful thing though, this is the first time I will be dressing 100% feminine at a job. That is stressing me out for an unknown reason.
I do dress in feminine clothings and I go out in public with the hubby and friends, I also went out partially dressed femininely at my old job but this is the first time 100% from my underclothes to my jacket that work will get to see me in my feminine form.
It is a little sooner than planned. I originally was going to wait until after my surgery in April, but I decided I didn’t want to start as male at this new job and then have to come out again and try and correct people after being there only two months, so I am pushing it early. So here I am, full time woman.
I don’t have any super super feminine clothes such as dresses that are ready to be worn, that will wait until after surgery, but the tops, pants and shoes (and two pretty cool blazers) will fit for now. Let’s not even count first time makeup at work (just foundation and mascara but still something).
So here I am nervous as hell, rambling as I go and wondering how my day will go tomorrow.
It happened, on Tuesday, March 13th 2018 my journey has officially begun and I am nervous as hell. I officially told my husband I wanted to transition to a woman and it was the most nerve wracking thing I have ever done.
Not that I logically needed to worry. After all, my husband is transgender himself. He was my wife for over twenty years and has been my husband for more than four and I walked every step I could with him on that journey.
What I found though, was that my emotional brain still didn’t care about logic and was freaking out. I was so terrified he would laugh, or even worse just leave. Of course, he didn’t do any of that, he just hugged me and said he would help me through with it.
It isn’t like it is a surprise at all. I have always thought I should be a girl. In fact, growing up I got a lot of shit for liking more girly things and disliking more typically masculine. Don’t get me wrong, I had my own set of toxic masculinity (and I still do, though I am trying to stop it). However, I have always loved frilly things, pink, baking, and don’t get me started on the whole shipping of characters or focusing on relationships in games. I have always preferred all of this over working on cars, liking football or doing anything super macho. I can’t really post right here all the details, but I am sure I will unpack myself in a lot of future posts.
As a 46 year old person I didn’t think I could ever get myself to do it. I always joked “maybe next life”. I am seen as a big guy (6’2”+ and about 300lbs) and I just didn’t think it would ever work for me to transition. Even now I am fully aware I may not ever reach the ideal “passing”, but that is ok. I am fortunate, I have seen my husband’s transition and while FtM is different in a lot of ways, it still prepares me and lets me know some of what to expect. I have a loving husband who wants to support me in whatever I need.
In fact, he is so supportive that within the hour he was looking for where to get me clothing, and especially shoes that fit my size 14w feet. He is excited because he stopped sewing women’s clothing when he transitioned, but he loved the sewing itself and now he has an excuse to do it.
I am still freaking out in my head, hamsters are running wild inside me and this post probably won’t get any clearer so I will wrap up here. I am just letting the world know I finally made it official with my husband, so now I get to start planning on how to do this.
…more to come.