I figured I would give a physical Update. Since this has started I have now lost 70+ pounds. I weight about 230lbs and it dropped from 300+ at the start since end of March 2018. I usually round down which is why I say 65lbs lost with all the fluctuations.
I have dropped from a Casual Male/DXL 46 inch waist (found it is closer to 48+ since they seem to vanity size) to between a 38 and 40 (40s are becoming too big now). I fit in my tiny husband’s baggy cargo pants now (its a 38). I don’t think I have fit that small since I was 24 or so. I can now fit into shirts and pants at Target, without looking like a sausage. First time in a decade. The weight is still coming off so I am still hopeful for the 180-200lb range. I am thinking maybe by Christmas if I am lucky.
The hormones and t-blockers are going well. They upped me to 300mg of Spirolactane and it seems things are working better. Breast growth has started. Not really noticeable unless you know what to look for, but I can feel it. I hear a lot of complaints about pain, but they just ache occasionally.
I did find out some great news. My insurance changed since it is now through my husband and his job with the state. They will reimburse after six months for electrolysis (I have done it three times now for my face, the laser hair removal part). It means the remaining three times for laser, and the actual electrolysis that follows might be affordable.
Also found out after 1 year (for me I think its April 6 2019) they will cover an orchiotomy and breast augmentation. Definitely the orchie will happen, the breast augmentation will depend on if I am far enough along or if I need the effects of the orchie to help me progress.
The hubby and I have talked about FFS and that is definitely something I want. See if they can pull my scalp forward, some cheek/jaw work and maybe open up my eyes a bit. I don’t think I need a nose job I think, but maybe some lippo under my chin as well. The insurance said its possible it will be allowed next year, but I am not counting on it. As soon as we get hubby’s car paid off I think I am just going to pay it to get it done.
Other than that, I have been super healthy. My depression is at an all time low. I am excited for last three months to just do things, enough so that hubby I am sure is tired by now. Also my hair is getting longer, I am going to get a trim since I have dead ends, but it is longer then it has been since I was 17 and that makes me excited.
Overall my physical and mental condition is great. I will report in on that in another month or two unless something happens.
Stay tuned for more posts though! I have a whole list coming.
I have been incredibly quiet, but not because I forgot to post here. There is a lot of things happening and to be honest I haven’t had the time.
Physically I am doing great. I feel so much better then I did before this process started. The hormones don’t seem to have any ill effect except the expected results of testosterone blockers (but nothing overall bad), just caught off guard, this will be a future post.
I have lost more then 45lbs since March, and not from any specific diet, purely because I stopped eating junk food. I also think this ties into my mental state as well as I have way more energy.
Mentally the transition is also spectacular. I haven’t felt this good since I was a teenager. My depression symptoms have left and I feel better about everything. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of stress about quitting my job in three weeks and the fact I will at the minimum lose 30k a year for whatever job I do get (if I get one).
The job loss though I think is also contributing to this better feeling in its own way. The Department of Defense is incredibly toxic in general. The election of Trump and Pence has given informal permission to every bottom dwelling conservative who wants to discriminate a way to speak out about their hates.
I think leaving this job makes me feel better in general, and especially makes me feel better concerning the transition. There are a ton of other reasons I am glad to leave (pretty much everything but money) but that is the biggest one right now.
The other stressor is our move. We already have a place lined up, we should be ok financially to do the move, and if the hubby gets cashed out like he is supposed to it might even pay the car off. We even have it figured he can just break even supporting us both if I am unable to find a job.
It is a cheaper place, but with nice amenities, and close to the hubby’s work. I think it is a good place to start on our journey out of here both DoD wise, and Seattle wise.
There is a lot more going on, but that is enough for one post, will have to post about the other things separately.
Until then, take care.
Well tomorrow is my one month anniversary on HRT and it has gone better then expected!
No huge changes physically, but you can see a closer to resemblance to my sister on my face at the right angles. I think my skin is getting softer and it is definitely drier. I need to remember to lotion, it seems so alien to me.
It is even more noticeable on my face where the laser removal did work. I only have done it once, I have four or five more appointments, but I have strips of dark beard that are gone permanently. Like I said though, the skin in the blank spots is WAY softer.
In addition since I decided to come out 8 weeks ago I have lost more then 30lbs. I started at 300 and I am down to 268. Faster then expected and I realize it will slow down, but still working on it.
The biggest difference though is my mental condition. While I do occasionally feel a bit more emotional, I feel so much calmer in my head. The voices and doubt are less, I sleep WAY better and I am more comfortable with myself. My depression is gone and I want to go out and do things. Now some of this is the HRT and some is just coming out and accepting who I am, but I will give credit to both.
I am keeping an open mind on how this will all pan out. However, I am extremely fortunate because my husband is incredibly supportive and with him, the HRT and me being myself all results in my physical and mental health is drastically improving no matter the end result.
While I do like to post about some of my negative thoughts/feelings/experiences I also find it is very beneficial to posting about the positive changes since I came out. Primarily right now I am very pleased with my health. So I wanted to post about some of the unexpected physical changes (non-HRT related)
I already feel physically better. Since I came out on March 13th I have lost about 25lbs. I had gone into the doctor at the beginning of March for a work injury appointment and the scale hit 300lbs for the first time ever. Normally for the last 10 years my weight would rock between 280-296 or so, I thought I was safe. The depression I was in (maybe still a little) always had me aim for what was safe, which was completely different to who I was up until about age 37 (I am 46 now).
I know my hubby was worried when he saw the scale. Not that the weight is problem, he is always sexually attracted to me, but he knew how I would feel about it, and he was worried about my reaction. He was right, I felt crushed inside.
My reaction was simple, I knew something has to change, this isn’t working. I struggled for about a week trying to figure out what I could do to stop feeling like I was drowning. I had finally decided out of all the stresses I felt, my only option was to come out.
The reasons for this is that I couldn’t quit the job I absolutely hate. Right now there are a lot of debts, and while the hubby would be happy to support me and for us to just get by, I can’t let him struggle to support us. I couldn’t work out or try to get physical since my foot is still broken and the bike/pool is out of the question. So I went with the other thing that had been building for decades, I needed to come out (not unexpectedly to the hubby).
Ever since then things have been changing for my physically, even before HRT. I have done no physical exercises due to my foot. However, even with that, in the last 6 weeks I have lost 25lbs (started losing that weight 4 weeks before HRT). I did that purely by quitting eating sweets. and adjusting to approximately 2,000 calories (but not being too pushy with the calorie counting, that sets off other anxieties).
25lbs in 6 weeks is too fast, even with the normal 10-12 pounds of water weight. My target is 1.5lbs a week (and that is still very fast). However it seems the majority of my weight was being kept on by my stress eating, and the more I was at work the more I stress eat. Hell, even working from home I get cravings to eat more when I am working, as opposed to just watching TV. That is a sign of how much I don’t like my job, I emotionally eat when I am doing it.
So here I am down to about 275lbs or so, a weight I haven’t been at in ten years and I feel better physically then I have before. It makes me want to go out and do a lot more (which I can tell is only partially the weight change, also partially the depression being lifted. I am hoping in 2 weeks I will be out of the boot and I want to start using the exercise bike, and some weight training.
The bike I am aiming for 10 minutes a day, and see about increasing that 5 minutes every month or two (I am hoping monthly so by the end of summer I would hit it about 30 minutes a day). The reason for daily is so I can drill the habit into me, make it part of an every day routine and at a slow enough rate that I don’t just quit.
I realize 10 minutes to start seems like a why bother, that it will take me longer to get dressed, walk down to our gym and then walk back and get undressed, but its the repetition I need. However, it is a very small amount of time and something that can add to my habits.
The weight lifting is different then before. I don’t want to super bulk up, but I want to convert what fat I can to muscle, it raises your metabolism and maybe staves off some of the loss of strength from the HRT. Nothing super heavy or big, just smaller weights to keep things moving.
I am aiming big, I want to drop 120lbs from my March 3rd weight, and even out at 180lbs. I am already down 20% of that with only 95lbs to go. I realize it is a big goal, and I am prepared if it doesn’t happen and that is alright too. I also realize that sometimes it fluctuates. However I feel so much better being just 25lbs lighter that it helps with me wanting to go further.
I haven’t had this much energy in years, and whether its the weight or the depression is irrelevant to me. Whatever it is I want to continue and I think I will go with my plan as it is and see what adjustments need to be made.
I have really been thinking of the resolution for this year. I think I am going to do something different. I think this year I am going to work on accepting me for who I am, not for who I am trying to change into.
I have been reading a lot about nutrition, mental health, and stresses and it seems like the best way to implement happiness is to be able to look at yourself and be happy. Once that happens generally your physical and mental health gets better on its own, instead of having additional anxieties on meeting arbitrary goals.
So there it is, my New Year’s Resolution is to love, and accept myself.
Oh, and maybe a second resolution is to get more posting done 🙂
Just an update on my back tattoo on Christmas Day 2012 (12/25/2012). Down to only two or three more sessions. When I get it finished I will get closer photos so you can see the details (there are a lot of details).
Also, I am trying to put more pictures up of myself. I have a lot of body issues with myself, its a reason there are very few photos of me compared to my family friends. I have lately come to the realization that I need to accept myself, and the way I look. I am going to continue to try and get healthy, but I need to accept I am heading for 42 and the odds are a lot less likely I will ever be skinny again then when I was 30 (and honestly I was about this size then). I just need to realize that others will either find me attractive or they won’t, and it is their loss if they don’t.
One of the items about my wife and I’s relationship change is the possibility of children with another partner (from me, not her). I do not want children at all. I am turning 41 soon and I don’t want to be 60 or older going to my child’s graduation. My wife’s health and family pressures right now wouldn’t handle a child to the mix. Since this is an actual worry if I hooked up with someone else I felt I have a responsibility to ensure there are no accidents. So after talking for awhile I decided my most logical option is to get fixed.
So about two months ago I set up an appointment with Group Health to get fixed. It would require an initial appointment with the surgeon, then the actual date of the surgery. Of course, contrary to what people say about American healthcare, I had to wait almost two months to see someone. Eventually I was able to see my doctor, for sake of this journal let’s call her Doctor S.
The wife and I both went to this appointment (her feedback for this and opinion matter just as much as mine). We sat with Doctor S for about twenty minutes. Doctor S seemed unsure about giving me the procedure, especially since I don’t have kids. She kept pushing the fact that I might want children later. I in turn pushed back that I am almost 41 years old and I am happy not having kids. I haven’t felt any regret about children at all. Finally the wife convinced the Doctor to stop pushing for no-vasectomy. She did this by explaining to the doctor that the wife couldn’t afford to get accidently pregnant due to her medical condition. It is partially true, a hormone fluctuation like that could be devastating to the wife, of course she left out the part that she has been fixed since she was 22.
Once the doctor agreed to do the procedure, they set me up for the actual operation. It was three and a half weeks later (which was last Thursday). I have been a little stressed about this for several reasons, mostly the idea of a knife and my testicles doesn’t go well for me.
The day of the procedure I found I had put the wrong time of the appointment down. The wife and I ended up at the Group Health facility at 9am only to discover my appointment was at 2:30pm. I had already taken the valium (and was a little loopy). The office was nice, prescribed me a second valium for when I came back in and we went home. I should note here the wife was awesome. She drove me there and back and she hates driving. I felt so bad that she had done that.
We got the script, and waited around until Torie showed up (she was going to come over after the original procedure to be there for us). She ended up being here before the actual procedure and she agreed to take us down (the wife hates driving and after taking a second valium I was way too loopy).
We drove down and I was brought in fairly quickly. There was a medical assistant that I will name J. J took me back into my room. She was probably the most unfriendly of all MA’s I have met before. She really didn’t have much small talk and sort of ignored me. She had me climb on the table while Doc S came in the room. J disappeared for most of the procedure.
Now, they said there would be just mild discomfort. You know what…. THEY LIED!!!!. S gave me the lidocaine and I suspect she didn’t wait long enough. There wasn’t any actual pain as if she was cutting me open, but she ranked my balls harder then I have never had happen before. I thought I was going to cry. I could feel her cauterizing the tubes (it was a bizarre pressure, not actual pain, but the longer she kept the cauterizing on the more it was uncomfortable).
By the time she ended the procedure on my left testicle, I was really wondering if this was a mistake. She began on the right testicle, and there was very very little discomfort. This is why I suspect she didn’t wait long enough on the first testicle. The second one was mildly uncomfortable, but nothing bad.
S wrapped up. I watched as she took the tubing from inside my testicle and put it in sample jars. I hadn’t realized that the vas deferens (see wiki link here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vas_deferens) looks like rice a roni. It was strange, and just underlines how our bodies are machinery. I guess they keep the vas deferens to prove that they actually did it. I suppose its to protect them against lawsuits if they grow back.
S smiled at me (she had been warmer during the procedure then during our first visit) and said that J would be in to help clean me up. Mainly all of the iodine that had been used had coated my crotch (there was actually very little blood). So S left and J came in. All J did was toss some towels at me and drop off my script. She then rushed me out of the procedure room (I only had about a minute to try and wipe myself down).
I then limped my way out the procedure room, by myself to my waiting wife and Torie. The wife was wondering why the hell the nurse/MA hadn’t escorted me out as I was having trouble walking.
They then got me home (after a quick Dairy Queen stop) and I have spent the rest of the weekend moving around slowly. I am feeling fairly good and I have no regret for this procedure. I just wish that the medical group was more compassionate.
At least within the next couple of months, if something unexpected happens, I won’t have to worry about pregnancy (just STI’s).
It has been a struggle, my health that is. Unfortunately over the last twenty years or so I haven’t been as physical as I was when I was 21. Partially because of responsibilities, partially because of bad ankles or allergy to my sweat. However, let us be honest about this, it is mostly because I am lazy.
For years my diet consisted of fast food, pop, candy and pretty much everything else standard in the American diet. I have for the last few years pretty much stopped pop, and fast food is actually really rare (less than once a month, and usually only if I am traveling up to Bellingham for a tattoo and I need to eat something before getting worked on). What hasn’t stopped is candy and sugar.
We actually eat meat fairly rarely, especially red meat. We also do eat a lot of bread products I am cutting down on both and I am currently staying under the 2,000 calorie diet. This has all been fairly stable except my love for the sugar. Even eating sugar I don’t break 2,000 calories very often, but its a waste to use those calories for that. Pop was really hard to stop, but I can say that I no longer like it, although on occaision I do break out a diet pepsi or a pepsi zero (although the whole 0 calories is a lie of measurement).
What I need to do now is get back to working out regularly and stop eating sugar. I am going on vacation after today until the 11th of July. We aren’t going anywhere, but it will alleviate the pressure of work. I was surprised to figure out I eat when stressed, it was more surprising that I eat when I am bored. I have noticed I actually eat less on the weekends then I do during the weekdays. So this vacation time I am going to focus on my eating habits. It will give me almost two weeks of practice without “hurrying because of work”.
Also during this time I am going to get back into working out. I did it for awhile last year and within a few weeks the wife noticed muscle building up on my chest and shoulders (and even arms). I want to get back into that. Almost two weeks of no work means there is no excuses and I can start on a regimen. The reduction on calories and increase in exercise will hopefully start me on a path to not have lovehandles of DOOOM!!!!
Oh, and unlike what my trainer tried to tell me to do, I won’t eat my calories I burn working out. The wife introduced me to some good books and resources on the science of weight loss and working out. Eating your burned calories is very bad for you and definitely stops you from losing the weight you want. I won’t be doing that.
So here it goes, starting tomorrow the beginning of cutting out sugar and working out (I wont cut out caffiene yet, I figure that is way too much to do).