Finishing Off 2019

This last month was supposed to be mostly vacation and medical appointments. With Christmas coming and this being the first Christmas where I am not so depressed that I was numb, I knew it might be a little rough emotionally.

It was a lot worse than expected. On Christmas Eve I got a call from my sibling. They had a broken leg, had decided to run off to Vegas to marry someone and within three days of being there it was broken off. I get a call saying they are stuck there with no money, no flight and no place to stay. They literally only went to Vegas wearing pajamas (although they did get some clothing when they got there).

I spent the next three days on the phone with them, other hotels and airlines trying to arrange a way for them back. To make it worse, the sibling wasn’t behaving very rationally and was having some issues of their own. They wouldn’t just take the next flight home and had to wait a day and a half (meaning I had to pay for an extra hotel night). They yelled at me (but stopped when I hung up and I think they knew I was going to leave them if they didn’t cut that shit out), and finally they got home.

They are doing better, which relaxes me. However, I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night until last night since this whole event. It has set off my own mental health issues, but fortunately my hubby and my therapist have been really good (more about my therapy in the future).

The end result is a lot of extra money on a credit card, mental health flare and a continual worry that my sibling is going to hurt themselves as they are currently homeless back in Bellingham. It wracks me with guilt because I can’t afford any more money, and they have been nice about it not asking, but I still end up feeling like a failure.

None of this even counts the emotional grief I am not able to process because of this for the death of my parents and my missing them.

That is ok, this is a new year, new outlook and a new girl who is establishing boundaries. So don’t pity me too much, I will be fine. I just needed to write down a very abbreviated version here.

Dad is in hospice

Sometime in 1998

Saw my dad yesterday, he is in the final stages of hospice, but he is at home in bed and comfortable. He will pass anytime now, but we got to say our goodbyes, hug, and he talked back to me. I probably will post specifically about that later, it was important, but don’t have the words. I am going back up there regularly, and especially after he passes I will need to help make arrangements and help my mother.

I was trying to come up with a simple phrase to describe him and who he was. I thought about all the things he did in the Vietnam War, how he grew up a bastard in Oso and was the black sheep of the family. His historic run ins with the law, his running with a motorcycle MC or Miami Vice like incidents. How he loved his kids and wife and how he had trouble with alcohol.
However, while I was thinking about that yesterday, I think the one thing to talk about to describe him was that everyone in the neighborhood loved him.
We had several neighbors from upstairs apartments, across the street or who called across the state who wanted to talk to him and say goodbye. They were crying, they were going to miss him.
I think that is the best way to describe him. Not the badass tv action series that his life would be (probably at least 4 seasons of exciting stories), rather it was the fact that everyone loved him, and are going to miss him. I think the tears on the neighbor’s face asking when he could come visit is probably the best testament to him.
I am not good with words right now, once he passes I probably will write a lot about him and my mom. Until then you folks get weird fragments from my consciousness.