It’s funny, I posted about how I woke up anxious last year on January 1st because I hadn’t heard from my parents as they had passed that year. It was the first time in 45 years that they hadn’t said Happy New Year to me, 25 of which was phone calls right around midnight.
I didn’t think it would happen again, but it did. This morning I woke up, the second New Years since they were gone, and worried for a few moments that they weren’t ok since I hadn’t heard from them. Even stone cold drunk they would call me.
Then I laid in bed for about an hour thinking about them. I know they would be proud of the hubby and I, especially all the surgeries he went through. I don’t think I have even really tried dealing with them being gone. I don’t know how to start it. I do know it bothered me laying in the dark, listening to my husband snore and wishing desperately like a ten year old again that they would call me one more time.
Maybe this year I need to actually work on that. Although I do want to say that this year is looking far better than last year. W’s surgeries are all done, all requirement to stay at this job are satisfied. By the end of this year we will have left this soul crushing job and moved out of this people crushing place and maybe actually get back to being us.
I do war about the job thing. This is probably the most money I will make in my life. The job is super easy to do skill wise. It would pay W’s and myself’s 125k in student loans within four years (not counting the 25k in short term debt this year). The problem being is this job is a complete scam and the people in it are incredibly toxic. I don’t feel any pride in going to work, and over the months I just watch more and more bullshit and it makes me angrier every time. This doesn’t even count that I dislike working for Trump’s administration and the rights they are rolling back on anyone who isn’t a cisgender, heterosexual white male.
I have a lot to talk about with work, and I think I am going to start doing it this year (probably later this month). So for now I am going to look forward to the fact that things are moving forward. My husband is healthy. I am fairly healthy and will be taking steps to address other factors. Most importantly I am going to celebrate the fact that we never have to worry about food being in our fridge or the ability to buy what we need, when we need right now in our lives. This is a first in our lives together (and a first in my 46 year long life ever).
Happy New Year to everyone, may 2018 surpass anything else you have in joy and happiness!
I woke up a little confused this morning, dreams of my mom and dad. Then when I sat down I realized she had passed away a year ago today, on their 46th wedding anniversary (today would be their 47th anniversary). Of course it happened that way, my parents loved each other too much to go long without seeing one another. My mom liked holidays so this seems perfectly in her style to pick one of her favorite holidays to pass.
She didn’t do well after my dad passed away in February of 2016. She was lonely a lot, and I couldn’t be with her daily (but at least weekly I was). I did call her multiple times a day, every day and she seemed buoyed by it. Then my brother stayed with her. She tried hard to keep things going, but in the end her body couldn’t hold up to her grief.
Although she was incredibly brave, and remarkably at peace as things failed her. She didn’t want to be here anymore. As her heart was giving out, we talked with her and she went into hospice. By this time we were driving up daily to see her. So many things happened I will talk about later. I remember her asking me for the days in hospice what day it was. She wanted to make it so badly to their anniversary. It was important to her.
I kept telling her it wasn’t “today” yet. Eventually that day did come, no matter how much I wished it wouldn’t. Their anniversary arrived quietly on a hot summer day, and as we went up to see her in the hospice house I knew it would be for the last time.
We arrived there, met with family, drama and a desire that I could whisk her away somewhere she could get true peace. We sat with her for hours, she was slowly fading, but would occasionally stir and say something garbled.
I was holding her hand most of the day, she was less responsive then the previous days. I leaned over and whispered to her that it was ok, today was her anniversary she had been waiting for and it was ok to go. She was mostly unconscious but she still squeezed my hand.
We stayed a few more hours, and I thought I had been wrong. Not more than 30 minutes later, while we were still driving through Mount Vernon on our way home, I got a call from my sister. She had passed away. I was numb for the rest of the car ride, but that will be talked about in a future post (along with everything else that happened around her passing).
I love you mom. I still miss you and I hope you are in a better place. Even with all the issues our family had, I am grateful you were my mother. I know you loved all of us deeply.
It is funny, I still remember you more towards the way you looked in the 1970s.
Oh, and my mom was a stickler about holidays, ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS, so I know she expects me to wish her and my dad a happy anniversary, 47 years ago today. So HAPPY 47th ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!
I love you, just wanted you to know that we love you, and we miss you and dad.
Today was another super busy day. It feels like I have gotten no rest since the week before finals. I am ready to just fall over unconscious. I woke up at 0500, only having about 4.5 hours of sleep, the constant waking to check for roaches (yes I am neurotic). I got up, hung out with the cat and waited for the counter top people.
They arrived about 0945 and we had o take orpheus with us for six hours. We went to the truck and sat there for twenty minutes. We wanted to verify the exterminators were coming before we took off. When the manager got there, we went in and she confirmed they were coming. She also offered her apartment to store the orpheus. That was awesome so the wife and I headed out.
First we went to the Madison Co-op, then over to Trader Joe’s. Both places seemed nice and we ordered a 25lb bag of rice flour (baking season is upon us). We then just decided to drive downtown. We eventually ended up parking at a parking garage on 2nd Avenue. We wandered over to the Pike Place Market, that was damn cool. We wandered for about an hour then went to the “Athenian” and had food. Heresyoftruth had salad and I had a burger. We enjoyed the meal and then headed back over to 2nd Avenue. This is because that is where I am going to work.
We wandered down 2nd Avenue, about 3/4 of a mile and then headed back the way we came (stopped by the office building I work in, but didn’t go up). When we got to Seneca street we decided to go up to 3rd Avenue. This was so we could check where I was catching a bus and where I would be getting off for work. We then walked down 3rd avenue, the same distance we did on 2nd. After having been walking for 2 hours we decided to go back to the truck. There we sat and ate a gluten free bar each. We then headed back home, but stopped by Pacific Fabric (unfortunately it didn’t look like there was anything we could look at).
We got home about 1500 or so, rescued the cat, found a roach on the living room door (inside). We found the counter-top rather stinky (even now the fumes are making me pretty loopy). The manager confirmed that the exterminators will be using a special gel to get rid of the roaches and they will be doing the entire apartment building. Last few hours have been me, exhausted trying to pass the time til I can go to sleep.
I really do like our apartment, we realized we are very close to Sears, Office Max, Downtown, and a ton of other places. The neighborhood is quiet, the apartment is huge (and very game worthy). It just has the one bad part. We figure we will give them to late February to solve this problem (sometimes roaches take two or three exterminator visits). If its not done we will move, if it is done we will stay.
Oh, we wont game this weekend, but we will the Saturday after Xmas. We will be playing GURPS converted Shadowrun. To find those rules go to http://www.talesofagun.com and read up. If you are a new player I need the character made by Xmas Day if you want to play the following Saturday.
I woke up this morning incredibly angry. I don’t mean “in a bad mood”, I am talking a rip-roaring I would like to crush someone’s nose under my fist anger. I do feel much better now, the wife and I went to the mall and got her some shirts, she then got me fed.
I am sure some of my anger comes from no time, finals decompression, and the fact we just got our electricity bill (double what it normally was), it just adds up. Actually I was angry enough that I called up work and cancelled coming in today (and no, I don’t want to run a game or have visitors today either, just not in the head-space to share my world paradigm with anyone but W, I love the rest of you, but we had already planned not to play today so this wont change anything except it will give me a breather from all my responsibilities, game still on 23rd). Mostly I cancelled today with work because there is no way I could handle my manager.
There is a lot of ranting, to save your friends page and to avoid making you have to read my inane ramblings I will cut most of it. I will post about school after I get my grades finalized (and that is another stress factor, how the fuck long does it take to grade a multiple choice test)
I will start with the Xmas Party. The wife and I have both been a little tense about this. Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t really fit in with the upper class. I like my coworkers, but there is not very many of them I have any similarities with.
The wife and I started Saturday looking for presents. We are supposed to buy $10 presents each for a blind gift exchange. This was annoying because when I signed up for the Xmas party, I was told there were no gifts required. I don’t have a problem spending $20 total, but honestly we are still pulling ourselves out of the hole, and I hate the consumerish pressure that gets given out at Christmas.
We end up going to the “Lucky Monkey”. It’s downtown, and its a very neat little import/kitchey type of shop. After several minutes of looking for two $10 gifts we end up getting two identical presents, they were little wooden gift boxes with different types of tops (different designs). In each one we bought a “lucky kitty” statue and a Guatemala Worry Doll to fill up the box.
We leave the house at 5:30pm, the dinner is at some restaurant named “Grammy’s”. We get there at 5:45 (party starts at 6pm). There we met Dr. C and his wife. Dr. C is an awesome older man, his wife is very nice, but I think very aware of her station. We stood around looking scared (wife and I) as more and more people arrived. Soon it was packed with 26+ people, I knew half, the other half were of course the first half’s significant others. The wife and I both still kind of stood around, not really fitting in we were talked to by a few of the workers, and my manager, but not for very long.
The wait/cook staff actually talked to us quite a bit more, we all discussed the world and how things were going and in short I was pleased with the mingling we did with the staff.Dr. C’s wife seemed a bit put off by the fact that wifey and I did not drink, we asked for non-alcoholic drinks (which the staff happily gave us).
Dinner came (an hour after the party officially started, we were starving). We sat next to P and her husband G (names hidden for their privacy). They are both pretty nice (P is the one who works my M-Th shifts now that I am in class). Her husband works as an engineer for a security firm and they both seem very down to earth. L (a dental assistant), El and her Husband (also a dental assistant sat with us along with Dr. C and his wife).
Dinner was awesome, I take my hat of to Grammy’s. True, Gabe cooks better, it by no means diminishes how well they did. I had a vegetarian alfredo dish with Portabello Mushrooms. It was good (but would have later effects I may or may not go into). Dinner at the table went by relatively smoothly, the wait staff kept checking up specifically on me and W and I think it annoyed Dr. C’s wife that they didn’t ask her nearly as much if things were going ok. Its sad, even though I know in my future as a CPA I will have to go to shindigs like that, I would rather be on the other side of the register (working as part of the staff), I am just not comfortable with the official dinner like proceedings.
Oh I forgot to mention the wife and I never approached the appetizer bar before the dinner, it was surrounded by coworkers/significant others and they wouldn’t let the work staff in to refill the appetizers, it was like they didn’t even notice the work staff. I always wondered if thats how it was (you hear it sometimes in movies and books that the help are “invisible”).
After dinner Dr. C’s wife announced that three of the plates (one at each table) had a note under it saying “Merry Christmas” it meant whoever had it won the christmas center piece at each table (really was looking to me like a Kmart center piece of red and green, although I am sure it came from a upper income store). For some reason at our table no one had a note, so Dr. C’s wife had us all pick numbers.
I ended up winning it, however just as I won it, someone at another table had a second note (the notes were not evenly distributed). I told Dr. C’s wife by all means give the center piece to that person, they won it fair and square. Later El commented how gracious I was, I neglected to tell her I thought the center piece was horrible looking and I didn’t want it to begin with, she didn’t need to know that.
After the meal we were informed that we were to go back to Dr. C’s house. The wifey and I got outside and found it incredibly funny to see all these new cars (Lexus SUV, Mercedes Sedan, brand new Ford Ranger pickup) and then there was our rusted out 1989 GMC pickup. We were amused because we knew out of 13 cars, we had the only one paid outright. Sometimes I just look at the money people spend on “high end” products, I just don’t even understand.
We got to Dr. C’s house and it was huge. It was wired for outdoor music, and literally couldn’t have been smaller then 5,000 square feet (and I am sure it was quite a bit bigger then that). It was on prime beach front property and the inside everything was “Neiman Marcus” style. The only really funny thing was there were pictures of their dog “Buster” everywhere.
Now, during this whole time Dr. C would go out of his way to entertain everyone. Please do not confuse my amazement at the height of consumerism going on to imply that Dr. C was nothing but a very genial host who made sure to talk to us repeatedly and to try and make us feel welcome (Dr. W and his wife also were very very nice, Dr W’s wife was a very down home kind of feeling to her, I like her alot).
Dr. C went out of his way several times during the night to offer me and W something first (refreshment, pie, etc). This was going fine and there were numerous tiny conversations we had with others that will probably get talked about over time. Eventually there was the “gift giving” phase. It consisted of us setting all of the gifts in the middle then drawing random numbers. The idea was, when it was your turn you could select a gift and open it. There were two additional gifts (given by Dr. C’s wife), one was a “very good gift” the other was a “gag” gift. Those gifts could not be opened. A person would select a gift they wanted. The next person in line could then either take the first person (or any previous person’s) gift or take a new one. There were lots of funny moments (the digital tire air pressure gauge was very popular and even though it was taken from W by Dr C’s wife (who didn’t even really want it, she just did it to stir things up) I was able to get it back for her and secure the REI card.
It was a cut throat game though, I didn’t think anyone would really push to get those two “unopened” but I saw no holds barred greed as people kept grabbing for those two gifts. Actually it kind of made me sick, it seemed inappropriate for a “Christmas” party, somehow I think Jesus would not approve.
As the party wound down I talked with Dr. W about what I was doing next week. He mentioned that we were very short on time and things had to be done in 10 work days. I looked at him confused and mentioned that the manager had said it would take much longer. Dr. W’s wife looked unhappy for a brief second that my manager thinks that. I then reassured Dr. W that I would take care of it. for him
This means I may be working a lot of hours next two weeks (although part of me wonders if it wont be that bad).
The wife and I then left, came home whereupon I spent most of the night with my stomach/reflux killing me.
So here I am exhausted, in a bad mood from lack of sleep and unable to do anything but nap.
I remember growing up in the ’70’s and early-mid ’80s. Halloween was the best holiday ever. We would get dressed and by 6pm my parents would take us out to hit up the neighborhood.
I remember getting home around 8ish, with an entire pillowcase full of candy. Even though we would eat so much candy on Halloween that we would get sick we still always had enough candy to to last late into November.
I remember the smiling faces of people handing out candy, and the race to hit all the “good” houses before they ran out. This nebulous running out almost never happened but we were always worried. Up until I was 11 we would hit up our 80 unit apartment complex and then venture out into the projects (we lived in the projects, but for some reason we never thought of our complex as part of the projects, then again my friends who lived in “the projects” never thought their places were in the projects but that I lived in them).
It was such a cool experience, a lot of the older people went all out with decorations and would always talk with each child about their costume. I remember a couple of older couples that gave out full size candy bars, not the weeny little bars, they of course were our childhood favorite places to trick or treat.
For the last 10 years we have gotten almost no trick or treaters to our door. Yes the whole poison and razor blade scare freaks people out. But as it turns out all of the poison incidents turned out to be family members of the victim. Yet the media hypes the fear and erodes our trust in our neighbors. Unfortunately this is just a sad symptom of the rest of society’s paranoia and trust.
For the last five years the only trick or treaters were my nephew and niece and once we had a little boy in a tiger suit. LOL of course he got almost a whole bag of candy from us (we had like 4 bags and no other trick or treaters) he was so cute.
I am kind of sad about what is happening. Sure the mall is neat, but the entire outlook of taking your kids around the neighborhood was such a cool thing. Sadly enough I kind of looked forward to decorating the house, having candy and maybe even setting up a way to scare the little trick or treaters. At least that was my desire when I got too old to trick or treat myself. But here I am 18-20 years later since I went trick or treating myself and I no longer really try and decorate and this year is the first year I didn’t even buy a “just in case a kid shows up” bag of candy.
It really does sadden me. I don’t think the reason trick or treating stopped is because there was any real danger, rather I think as a society we have gotten so scared and so overly paranoid that its destroying what actually made us a great society.
I never thought I would ever think of the “good old days” but at least with Halloween that seems to be the case (of course its great its my wedding anniversary as well, but just sad about the whole trick or treat thing).
Merry Christmas everyone.
This last week has been very interesting. First I go to work on Wednesday sick to check to make sure everyone is ok. I walk in find the girl that is “helping out the office” is on my computer typing a letter introducing herself as the new Office Manager (btw I am the office manager), I pull the doctor into a private room, he stammers a few minutes saying she is only temporarily the office manager. So I tell him to shove his job up his ass. Of course for the next few hours I am a bit worried (I just quit the highest paying job I have ever had) but after a little while I come to the realization that the money wasn’t worth working for a criminal and an asshole.
Wifey goes into work on Friday and he does exactly the same thing, so she tells him to fuck off and walks out.
We are now both unemployed, but we have talked and we got a good working strategy. First we have all our normal bills paid off until February and lot space paid til March, we have each a full paycheck coming from the office supposedly due from the doc next Friday plus I have a 45 hour paycheck from the Mother Baby Center that I do webdesign stuff for. We should be able to pay off Wife’s bill with Western, all the monthly bills til March and money left over for food. Plus I do get unemployment and will start recieving small amount of income in two weeks (yes doc agreed to give me unemployment, but probably because he is worried I will turn him in for all the crappy things he does, and I might, but I never said that to him, I wouldn’t actually resort to blackmail to get it).
Then last night went to my parent’s house to have our “Christmas Eve” get together, it went well we had ham, potatoe salad and macaroni salad with pumpkin pie, and something strange ass called Strawberry Pretzel Salad (it was pretzels crushed, covered with some sort of cream sauce and topped with Strawberry Preserves, I was polite and ate a little but it was pretty disgusting stuff) I made blueberrry pie, peanut butter cookies and divinity but didnt have any. The night went well except my dad was all hopped up, but that is just a side note.
Monday we take Orpheus in (he is still sick from his last vet visit) have him looked at. Then I will go up to WWU and put in for admissions back into Western since I have paid them off. I will then talk to thier financial aid to get put back on it (I am hoping this all happens in spring). Then tuesday I go down to WCC and talk to Kathy Barnes about excessive credits and then Wednesday back up to WWU to talk to Professor Sandvig about the Business/Management Information Systems program they have. I am even considering possibly switching back to CS, or going into either Business, Anthropology or Biology. We will see how things work out, I am pretty disgusted with the medical system (I still want to help people, but the absolute greed that occurs by the medical system freaks me out).
Well later today I will probably post more, all I do have to say is even if I make minimum wage, its better then taking the “blood money” I was getting working for the doctor, somehow in the last six months I lost that part of myself that would be happy making less but not working for such a fucked up place, fortunately that has returned.
Merry Christmas to everyone if I don’t post again today (but I think I will).
Well here I am, its Thanksgiving. Our car is broken we are broke and in general its not a lot of fun right now. I found out that at this point in the quarter I am getting a solid A in my CS202 class but that I am barely (I mean by the skin of my teeth) getting a C in Chemistry. Its absolutely the worst grade I have ever recieved since I was in High School. I think the most frustrating part is I have completed 76% of the points in Chem (giving it a solid C) yet my professor’s curve has me at a 70.0% I realize that is only 6% less but the final is coming up and I am feeling very shaky on the subject matter.
Honestly its my fault. I love my Autistic nephew Noah and when I volunteered to be one of his ABA therapists in August I figured it was only a few hours a week commitment. It would have only been a few hours a week commitment if I didnt start trying to help them with everything. The Head Therapist they have is a joke and she was just sucking money out of my sister-inlaw and my mother and father in-laws.
So I spent 3 months stressing and trying to coerce her into actually working and doing things that are actually helping Noah. After 3 months of stress in October I had to quit. It was taking too much of a toll on my personal life and school. The end result is I had put so much emotional energy and time into it that my grades were suffering horribly. I had to drop my Math class and I was close to failing my Chem class as well. I have slowly gotten up to the C but I am worried that if I blow the final it will drop me back down.
Wierd thing is CS (Computer Science classes for those that dont know what CS means) have always been easy and I am fortunate I had Professor Granier teaching the class. That is probably enough whining about school right now. I dont want to worry about losing financial aid for not completing more then 6 credits with a C or higher so I will have to force myself to pass the finals.
I by no means wish to run all over town to different houses for Thanksgiving (we usually have to do this for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, visit both sets of parents). Its weird, my parents are ok with us only seeing them one holiday or at least the day before or after. They understand that the dates we celebrate family themselves are unimportant.
The spousal unit’s family was a little different up til this year. She would get calls and harassed to show up, lots of guilt trips. This year amazingly enough there has been no pressure from either side about Thanksgiving. Sad part is I miss the Turkey and Pie (well probably the pie and sweet potatoes more then the turkey). Hmm maybe I should go make some chocolate chip cookies. I love baking, maybe when we get our student loan in January I will get a Baking cookbook.