Yesterday (2017 Thanksgiving) I had a pretty strong memory come back, a little one that has no real significance in my life, but for some reason I dreamt and then thought about it anyways all day.
It was early 2000s (I think 2002, and I think this post from 2002 was from the same day). We were sitting in the bedroom of our mobile home we owned. It was a grey Thanksgiving Day that is typical in the Pacific Northwest.
I was sitting on the bed, playing with my 2002 iBook. I had just bought a program that would rename photos in batches as I was going through a huge photo Library waiting for Wolsey’s parents to show up and take us to Thanksgiving.
Also we were watching Trading Spaces, which was one of our favorite shows at the time, it was playing in the background. As a funny side note, evidently they are bringing back Trading Spaces in spring 2018 with most of the same cast (it went off the air end of 2008). I guess some things don’t change.
It was a really vivid memory though and it stuck with me the whole day. The wonder I felt that hubby and I didn’t have to go to two meals for a holiday at different households for the first time since we got together. It would be the first time we would get home and have time to be with each other for a holiday.
The fact my parents were cool and let Wolsey’s parents have Thanksgiving Day without a fact was amazing. What we didn’t realize at the time was that Wolsey’s parents would fight us to come for Christmas as well even though we asked to rotate holidays at family get togethers and gave them first choice of which holiday they wanted.
It was just a really strong memory, and it wasn’t until I was writing it up at this moment I realized it was my first time I didn’t have Thanksgiving with my blood family. Last Thanksgiving would be the second time, although last year was a blur. It is probably a trigger memory missing my parents.
The last eighteen months have been a whirlwind. Wolsey has gone through three surgeries, we have had to fly to Phoenix (including in four days from now) three times for two of those surgeries. Both my parents have passed in that time, and the estrangement between me and my sister is pretty much permanent. Not counting all the extra stuff we had to do for the surgeries, burials and work issues.
I am looking forward to the end of the year, and the beginning of the new. I realize it is an arbitrary date, but humans need things like that to set up our boxes. Next year is exciting, we will hopefully move on to more enriching work, maybe move to a better location away from the crowd and especially the traffic, and maybe, just maybe we will get our short-term debt paid off.
I guess my memory post went into a ramble, but that is me in a nutshell. Oh, and sorry but no pics in this one, way to lazy with the food hangover from yesterday. 🙂
Warning: Stream of consciousness writing.
When I was younger, the 4th of July was a lot of fun. As a kid, my dad would take the family outside of the apartment, sometimes the parking lot, sometimes the park across the fence, and light off fireworks. It was a fantastic time for us kids.
When I got older, my parents drank more, but we still usually enjoyed the 4th. As I became a teenager though I began to like it less. Eventually I moved out and ended up with Wolsey. We did the firework thing, bottle rocket wars, etc when we got together, but as the years progressed that became less fun. Nowadays we don’t do much for the holiday, except get home early enough to comfort our animals as others light fireworks.
The only thing that was sure nowadays was a call from my mom wishing me happy Fourth of July. She hadn’t missed any holiday in 25 years. For her, every holiday was sacred and worthy of a call to me. She even did this on Arbor Day… who the hell even knows what Arbor Day is?
Back to yesterday, it went really well, we hung out Torie, went to lunch, came home in time to avoid the crowds. But something had been bothering me all day, something that I would almost catch out of the corner of my memory. I couldn’t come up with what it was at the time until later in the afternoon.
It dawned on me that this was the first 4th of July that my mom hadn’t called to wish me a happy holiday. I realized that had been bothering me since about noon. While this is probably just a sad memory, I suspect part of what is bothering me is that it is the anniversary of her passing will be in three weeks.
I guess this is just a long-winded way to say I miss those stupid holiday calls. I am not looking forward to New Year’s Eve.
Normally the holidays are a bit stressful from me. Usually my parents would be behind a rock and a hard place cash wise. I would have screaming nephews and nieces who need presents and my siblings are doing whatever they are doing. This doesn’t even include the hubby and I’s personal holiday celebrations. So stress during the holidays was normal (along with a huge cash hit).
Fast forward to this year and I found that it has been stressful last couple of weeks. My sleep pattern has shifted negatively (common during this time of year), and I know I have been raw emotionally in reacting to people. However it is different then previous years.
Today we went shopping for Thanksgiving for the first time after my parents passing. It’s funny I will go for a bit of time without thinking about them now, but the shopping for Thanksgiving specifically brings back the awkward holidays. Fortunately the drinking ended years ago, but there was always a need for us to spend about $100 extra to feed the rest of the family. I didn’t begrudge my parents, but the rest of the family was a little harder.
Combine this with the last minute requests from my mom was definitely always a stressful time in the holidays. Don’t take it as something I hated, I loved holidays with my parents, even if we constantly threatened we weren’t going to do it the next year. Last year we followed through on our threat and did something different. We had catered thanksgiving with just the hubby, myself and both parents and it was fantastic. Even dad said it was probably the best thanksgiving in a decade. Funny enough, it was also cheaper to cater it for four people than to provide just our portion of the overall homemade Thanksgiving dinner.
The hubby and I have always talked about what it would be like when the holidays were ours. It was always a far off thing, and even at the start of this year we assumed at least another four or five years before things happened. Well that wasn’t how it progressed at and with both parents gone in six months we went from full family to a hard off. We have no intention on meeting with siblings and extended family (the deaths of both parents, but especially dad really tore some holes in those relationships).
The idea of just staying home, enjoying the hubby’s food (and my baking of course) and just watching tv/playing video games was so entrancing. Especially during those years when we did both families and the nightmare of hubby’s parents then to my parents.
So we were wandering around Winco shopping and I was struck with a weird sense of anxiety mixed with sadness. For the first time in a month I had stepped into the grocery store and pulled out my phone automatically as if I was going to call my parents and ask them what they needed for thanksgiving. I caught myself and went back to wandering the aisles with the hubby.
We wandered through the place, picked up a whole lot of groceries for thanksgiving. I wasn’t necessarily sad, just more nostalgic that I wasn’t picking up stuff for our old trip to Bellingham. We got to the cash register and it was almost $100 cheaper than we normally expect for holidays.
So we came away from Winco and I feel a little bad. I miss my parents and I assume my anxiety will get worse before it gets better. But I am really looking forward to just spending time with the hubby as well.
TBT- Halloween Game 2003 (11/1/2003). One of the rare photos taken by Jello
I totally forgot to say, the people starting from left and going clockwise. Me (with the blueish hair and black shirt), Tim, Matt, my little brother Derek on left side of couch, Ben, then Lisa with the hair pulled back and finally back to lower left would be Weylin (back of his shaved head baby, oh ya).
I have really been thinking of the resolution for this year. I think I am going to do something different. I think this year I am going to work on accepting me for who I am, not for who I am trying to change into.
I have been reading a lot about nutrition, mental health, and stresses and it seems like the best way to implement happiness is to be able to look at yourself and be happy. Once that happens generally your physical and mental health gets better on its own, instead of having additional anxieties on meeting arbitrary goals.
So there it is, my New Year’s Resolution is to love, and accept myself.
Oh, and maybe a second resolution is to get more posting done 🙂
Today was another super busy day. It feels like I have gotten no rest since the week before finals. I am ready to just fall over unconscious. I woke up at 0500, only having about 4.5 hours of sleep, the constant waking to check for roaches (yes I am neurotic). I got up, hung out with the cat and waited for the counter top people.
They arrived about 0945 and we had o take orpheus with us for six hours. We went to the truck and sat there for twenty minutes. We wanted to verify the exterminators were coming before we took off. When the manager got there, we went in and she confirmed they were coming. She also offered her apartment to store the orpheus. That was awesome so the wife and I headed out.
First we went to the Madison Co-op, then over to Trader Joe’s. Both places seemed nice and we ordered a 25lb bag of rice flour (baking season is upon us). We then just decided to drive downtown. We eventually ended up parking at a parking garage on 2nd Avenue. We wandered over to the Pike Place Market, that was damn cool. We wandered for about an hour then went to the “Athenian” and had food. Heresyoftruth had salad and I had a burger. We enjoyed the meal and then headed back over to 2nd Avenue. This is because that is where I am going to work.
We wandered down 2nd Avenue, about 3/4 of a mile and then headed back the way we came (stopped by the office building I work in, but didn’t go up). When we got to Seneca street we decided to go up to 3rd Avenue. This was so we could check where I was catching a bus and where I would be getting off for work. We then walked down 3rd avenue, the same distance we did on 2nd. After having been walking for 2 hours we decided to go back to the truck. There we sat and ate a gluten free bar each. We then headed back home, but stopped by Pacific Fabric (unfortunately it didn’t look like there was anything we could look at).
We got home about 1500 or so, rescued the cat, found a roach on the living room door (inside). We found the counter-top rather stinky (even now the fumes are making me pretty loopy). The manager confirmed that the exterminators will be using a special gel to get rid of the roaches and they will be doing the entire apartment building. Last few hours have been me, exhausted trying to pass the time til I can go to sleep.
I really do like our apartment, we realized we are very close to Sears, Office Max, Downtown, and a ton of other places. The neighborhood is quiet, the apartment is huge (and very game worthy). It just has the one bad part. We figure we will give them to late February to solve this problem (sometimes roaches take two or three exterminator visits). If its not done we will move, if it is done we will stay.
Oh, we wont game this weekend, but we will the Saturday after Xmas. We will be playing GURPS converted Shadowrun. To find those rules go to http://www.talesofagun.com and read up. If you are a new player I need the character made by Xmas Day if you want to play the following Saturday.
I remember growing up in the ’70’s and early-mid ’80s. Halloween was the best holiday ever. We would get dressed and by 6pm my parents would take us out to hit up the neighborhood.
I remember getting home around 8ish, with an entire pillowcase full of candy. Even though we would eat so much candy on Halloween that we would get sick we still always had enough candy to to last late into November.
I remember the smiling faces of people handing out candy, and the race to hit all the “good” houses before they ran out. This nebulous running out almost never happened but we were always worried. Up until I was 11 we would hit up our 80 unit apartment complex and then venture out into the projects (we lived in the projects, but for some reason we never thought of our complex as part of the projects, then again my friends who lived in “the projects” never thought their places were in the projects but that I lived in them).
It was such a cool experience, a lot of the older people went all out with decorations and would always talk with each child about their costume. I remember a couple of older couples that gave out full size candy bars, not the weeny little bars, they of course were our childhood favorite places to trick or treat.
For the last 10 years we have gotten almost no trick or treaters to our door. Yes the whole poison and razor blade scare freaks people out. But as it turns out all of the poison incidents turned out to be family members of the victim. Yet the media hypes the fear and erodes our trust in our neighbors. Unfortunately this is just a sad symptom of the rest of society’s paranoia and trust.
For the last five years the only trick or treaters were my nephew and niece and once we had a little boy in a tiger suit. LOL of course he got almost a whole bag of candy from us (we had like 4 bags and no other trick or treaters) he was so cute.
I am kind of sad about what is happening. Sure the mall is neat, but the entire outlook of taking your kids around the neighborhood was such a cool thing. Sadly enough I kind of looked forward to decorating the house, having candy and maybe even setting up a way to scare the little trick or treaters. At least that was my desire when I got too old to trick or treat myself. But here I am 18-20 years later since I went trick or treating myself and I no longer really try and decorate and this year is the first year I didn’t even buy a “just in case a kid shows up” bag of candy.
It really does sadden me. I don’t think the reason trick or treating stopped is because there was any real danger, rather I think as a society we have gotten so scared and so overly paranoid that its destroying what actually made us a great society.
I never thought I would ever think of the “good old days” but at least with Halloween that seems to be the case (of course its great its my wedding anniversary as well, but just sad about the whole trick or treat thing).
Merry Christmas everyone.
This last week has been very interesting. First I go to work on Wednesday sick to check to make sure everyone is ok. I walk in find the girl that is “helping out the office” is on my computer typing a letter introducing herself as the new Office Manager (btw I am the office manager), I pull the doctor into a private room, he stammers a few minutes saying she is only temporarily the office manager. So I tell him to shove his job up his ass. Of course for the next few hours I am a bit worried (I just quit the highest paying job I have ever had) but after a little while I come to the realization that the money wasn’t worth working for a criminal and an asshole.
Wifey goes into work on Friday and he does exactly the same thing, so she tells him to fuck off and walks out.
We are now both unemployed, but we have talked and we got a good working strategy. First we have all our normal bills paid off until February and lot space paid til March, we have each a full paycheck coming from the office supposedly due from the doc next Friday plus I have a 45 hour paycheck from the Mother Baby Center that I do webdesign stuff for. We should be able to pay off Wife’s bill with Western, all the monthly bills til March and money left over for food. Plus I do get unemployment and will start recieving small amount of income in two weeks (yes doc agreed to give me unemployment, but probably because he is worried I will turn him in for all the crappy things he does, and I might, but I never said that to him, I wouldn’t actually resort to blackmail to get it).
Then last night went to my parent’s house to have our “Christmas Eve” get together, it went well we had ham, potatoe salad and macaroni salad with pumpkin pie, and something strange ass called Strawberry Pretzel Salad (it was pretzels crushed, covered with some sort of cream sauce and topped with Strawberry Preserves, I was polite and ate a little but it was pretty disgusting stuff) I made blueberrry pie, peanut butter cookies and divinity but didnt have any. The night went well except my dad was all hopped up, but that is just a side note.
Monday we take Orpheus in (he is still sick from his last vet visit) have him looked at. Then I will go up to WWU and put in for admissions back into Western since I have paid them off. I will then talk to thier financial aid to get put back on it (I am hoping this all happens in spring). Then tuesday I go down to WCC and talk to Kathy Barnes about excessive credits and then Wednesday back up to WWU to talk to Professor Sandvig about the Business/Management Information Systems program they have. I am even considering possibly switching back to CS, or going into either Business, Anthropology or Biology. We will see how things work out, I am pretty disgusted with the medical system (I still want to help people, but the absolute greed that occurs by the medical system freaks me out).
Well later today I will probably post more, all I do have to say is even if I make minimum wage, its better then taking the “blood money” I was getting working for the doctor, somehow in the last six months I lost that part of myself that would be happy making less but not working for such a fucked up place, fortunately that has returned.
Merry Christmas to everyone if I don’t post again today (but I think I will).