Insomnia, Anxiety and Sleeplessness

I can’t tell you why I was awake at 12:30am specifically. I am anxious, tired, pacing the living room trying not to wake my hubby. Of course today I have to audit an agency so it isn’t like I can just veg out in my office at work.

I don’t think its the audit itself either. I am almost done with my review before I even get there. They are religious in outlook, but I haven’t had any problems yet and I honestly enjoy that kind of thing.

I wonder though if its my hormonal fluctuations. My doctor is great, but when my test results came back for my estrogen and they were basically zero, she was out sick. Now that she is back she referred it to someone else and this is taking forever.

Been hormonal, anxious and all over the place… ya it is probably the hormones. Hopefully I can keep my shit together today, work the day and come home. I am disappointed in myself, I had meant to run the hubby some of his post-apocalyptic game when I got home last night, but I was so tired… yet I can’t sleep.

Stupid hormones…

Anxiety about nothing

You are correct, the following post is very close to the one I wrote on 3/22/18 Unreasonable Worry. I find by writing out these worries, even if they are repetitive that it helps me process, so if you find this a bit duplicative I apologize.

The last week or two I have been feeling a little more anxiety then normal when I wake up at night, but not in the same “normal” way. I don’t have that lost feeling of what am I supposed to be doing here, and I definitely don’t have the feeling I am just here to be able to sacrifice for someone else.

That last one seems weird I know, I will probably delve deeper later but the brief overview is I have always felt like my place was disposable. Not in a bad way that people treat me bad, more like an arrow in a quiver, ready to be used for what was needed and then it would be done. I realize this is probably some form of toxic masculinity, but it’s how I felt. I think this is the biggest cause of my anxieties, so maybe I do need to cover it more in the future.

Since coming out though I don’t really feel that way. I want to do more, I want to be there for my hubby more then just a life insurance policy. Frankly I didn’t realize how bad I had felt before. The hubby has really helped me a lot, and I do think the HRT is giving me the ability to think clearer.

My almost-new anxiety (well, its really just a remaking of an old anxiety of my hubby getting bored and leaving) is that my husband is going to be really disappointed in who he married. After all he married a pretty masculine looking guy, fairly ordinary and cisgendered. I know he was happy in our newly established same sex marriage after his transition. So know I am completely freaked out he is secretly disappointed and he isn’t happy now, or won’t be happy in the future.

Let me say that he has NEVER indicated this in words, action or inaction. He has always loved me, supported me and been happy with me. I know that logically, I have seen it, there is no doubt. However, that doesn’t change the small anxiety voices in my head that wake me up at 1am and make me lay in the dark thinking about it.

I worry that the femininity that I am growing into (well, more now then there originally was at least) is a turn off for him. I have that weird anxiety popping up when I think about looking like a woman both out and about with makeup, and especially naked in bed in my final form. It is a silly anxiety, and there is no truth to it. I just wish I could remember that at 1am when I am having an anxiety attack.

A General Update

I figured I would try and give a written version of my video blog, for those that can’t access the video (this wont necessarily happen very often, only when I have time so I suggest watching the video if you can).

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It’s January 2, 2013 and I figured one of my goals this year would be to be more vocal, either in video blogging or regular blogging.

Well, I have been up since 3:00am this morning, not sure what the reason is. I think all the anxiety of my new duties at work are probably catching up to me, or it could be my annual anxiety due to the Holiday season/ deep dark winter. I am hoping if I can track when I have insomnia/anxiety issues I can figure out if there is a cause I can actual fix, or if it’s something I have to deal with.

Just a status update, my life is going good. My wife as always is awesome. She has been incredibly supportive, even when I get into a funk, or try to beat on myself.

My family’s health is stable; my parents while having their normal issues and possible lung cancer are in pretty good spirits. My siblings are doing well also. My friends all seem to be doing well, except I keep missing out on setting up a time to meet Yog’s new girlfriend. Hopefully we will fix that next week.

My new job seems to be working out well, if a bit stressful. I am now fully in charge of my areas. I assume that is what is freaking me out. It’s not that I can’t do it, its just I don’t have years under my belt like I did at my old job.

Oh, and my tattoo is entering the home stretch on my back. I have two, maybe three more sessions and the next session is in two weeks. Crossing my fingers that eventually I will get to a point where I can wrap a tattoo up in one or two sessions (this current tattoo has taken 9+ sessions in the last year).

Oh, and one last thing. I realize I posted this earlier, but I thought I would say it again. Originally I planned on the traditional working out, get in shape, blah blah blah resolution. Honestly, my weight hasn’t shifted much in either direction no matter how much I work out, control my eating etc. So I think this year, instead of doing that I am going to just focus on loving me. You heard that right; it’s about loving me and accepting however this works out.

Well, that is about it for the day. Even with the insomnia, things are going well and I just wanted to check in J.