I woke up this morning terrified from a dream I can’t remember, anxiety about things coming up, and obviously some self dislike at the least.
As I talked about earlier I am hoping this week to give notice to my current employer. If things work out I might just mic drop and walk out of the job since it will never appear on any sort of linked in, resume, etc. I have only been here 8-10 weeks in the end, so it isn’t something I am going to use for future job growth.
That being said, we can absolutely afford me taking a couple of weeks off before starting my new job, but I woke up anxious about my pay from the new job. I woke up terrified I was screwing us. It isn’t necessarily the wage I am making more than an adequate job to live, but a large drop in what I make now, about $20,000 a year less then my current job. To be honest even with almost $140k in student loans we can make the payments and have a really good life, even if we would rather go back to working at a coffee shop/book store.
The cost of my FFS is what is freaking me out. A very rough estimate is in itself $20,000 for the surgeries I want, plus up to two weeks in a hotel, two flights down to Arizona and back and anything sundry. I am worried I am making my husband work at a job he is not fond of to be our primary support. We both make about the same, but there are multiple other surgeries coming up that makes my work erratic (orchiectomy, breast implants, probably a tummy tuck from my extreme weight loss and even a thing on my neck/chin – close to a face lift). All of these combined is more than my student loan.
Let’s not even combine the fact that I am on the higher end of 40s. Not like I have 40 years to pay this shit off… well hopefully I do but that means retirement sucks.
I logically know we are doing a good thing. The funny thing is, if this was for the hubby I wouldn’t even blink. I would be down for it and insisting he do all the surgeries he needs to be who he was and never feel bad for a single moment. It is because it is for me that I feel that way. Even knowing this logically it makes my stomach hurt and me terrified I am fucking up things for us. Especially that I might be fucking him over.
I realize I am going to have to get over it, there are other more real issues such as dealing with the public now that I am almost to the point I will be public. I just can’t get over shackling my husband with “golden chains” for my needs. He deserves so much more than that. That is what I woke up terrified about, that I was going to hurt my husband.
I went to my first Gender Odyssey convention and it was emotionally draining. Not that anything went poorly, but the emotional baggage around everything is so huge and it definitely took a lot of spoons.
The event started Thursday night. I got to a hotel to visit with my husband’s GRS surgeons to look at me. Just the week before waiting for the short 15 minute consult I was amped, Thursday got bad, especially at work, so by the time we arrived at 6:30 at night I was just jumpy.
The surgeon’s office has always been good surgeons, there was some bedside manner and after care issues, but I definitely recommend them for their skills. That is why I am going to them.
So they had me come into a hotel room where both surgeons are, along with three staff members. One of the surgeons is getting close to retirement I believe, thus finishing the training and getting ready to pass the practice to the second surgeon. Both are incredibly good though.
They sat me down and I told them what I want. I want FFS, especially hairline, brow, eyes and chin/jaw if possible. They listened for a couple of minutes and then leaned forward and started looking my face over in depth, including the requisite touching my face.
They said my hair is in real good condition. I knew that logically but it was a huge weight off my shoulders hearing a professional say that (yes the husband has always said it was good, but sometimes husbands do that to make you feel better).
They then thought the moving up my brow, with some cranioplasty would definitely give me a more feminine hairline, along with opening my eyes up. That along with the chin/jaw work and with the lip implant they suggested (and they are right, my upper lip is flat as any boy) I think I have a really good chance at this.
I left the meeting feeling both good for myself, and worried of course. What happened if something went wrong, how would I proceed. What if hubby saw me as too feminine and couldn’t handle it. What if I cost us too much money. All of these were thoughts, but were not true, not in the least.
So we went home and got some sleep before going to our single panel we were going on Friday. The day was worth it, but already costly emotionally and mentally. We knew the next day would be worse, as not much sleep to be had along with severe family obligations/pressure. I will cover the Friday in a different post with lots of details.
I am very fortunate in my situation. I live in a state that has a lot of transgender protections, including requiring insurance companies to pay for transgender care. The only negative right now is I work for the Department of Defense which as we can all see is rolling back things due to Trump, and they are the only employer that can supersede the state law for medical care.
That being said, I am leaving the DoD at the end of June. My hubby is starting a new job with good medical (actually same medical we currently have, so we will just be transferring our insurance plan). So I don’t have to worry about any transgender “riders” on the insurance.
Our current and soon to be current insurance does assign people a transgender case manager to help with all the hoops you have to jump through. We have been assigned a very wonderful lady named Rae. The incredibly great part about this is she is the same one that helped my husband through his FtM process, she is the sweetest person and will fight to get you what you need.
She has already set me up in the system, and gave me a referral to a mental health specialist. This one disadvantage is the insurance company requires me to get a sign off before they will pay for HRT, voice training and implants. The implant possibility will happen two years after I am on HRT. This is to see if enough growth has happened, and if it hasn’t they will approve it.
The insurance may start covering other things like facial feminization, and laser hair removal in the future and while I will probably have my beard lasered off before then, I want everything else. I am still debating SRS at the moment (bottom surgery) but I want to see how things progress before making that choice.
Rae has just been on it for me. She is so great she even gave me a list of specialists that are in favor of informed consent. Not all are like the advertise and I will complain about that in a future post.
Informed consent means you are given HRT once you have shown you understand the possible consequences of receiving it. You are basically just acknowledging you understand what its effect on you may be and you give permission to proceed.
A lot of specialists still require you to have endless sessions and they still may decide not to approve you for a variety of reasons. This is a form of gatekeeping to determine if people are “trans enough” and unfortunately a lot of times their decision isn’t based on the person they are caring for, but their own outlook. I don’t want to waste my time doing this because someone needs to get inside me and know me deeply. I only allow my husband inside me… or maybe someone really cute.
Dear god, I am 46 years old. I have been like this my whole life.
So I have gotten an appointment with the same specialist that worked with my hubby and who believes in informed consent. The specialist was awesome to hubby, and the specialists is already being awesome with me. If things work well, I will go a week from Tuesday (the 27th) and an hour after that I will have the sign off so I can make an appointment with a doctor to get HRT.
Oh, another cool thing that Rae has done is set me up for voice training lessons, even before I saw the counselor. This caught me off guard as the speech office called me up and asked when I wanted the appointment. At first I had no idea what they were talking about until they explained what was going on. That made my day right there.
I am pretty excited (and anxious) so much is happening so soon, the insurance process has started!
Well this is it, I am getting ready to go get snipped and am a little nervous. I have had a ton of people give me good advice so I am not worried about the future. The morning has also been rough though because I can’t get my old LJ to export correctly, so I am now going to go back through my entire 10 years of LJ, selectively pick posts and move them manually over. I am not sure if the new LJ/Dreamwidth codes broke the older exporters or not, but not a big deal either way. I guess this way I can get rid of all the stupid quiz crap 🙂
We also got our first bill from Verizon, of course there is $100 extra in connection fees and they didn’t yet give me the discount for my employer yet (and they wont back credit me when it does go through). So the bill was close to $300. Then of course this morning I get a bill from Sprint for $800, for the ETF and for almost $150 in local charges/taxes/ and misc fees. I really fucking hate Sprint.
Even though this makes me cry, the new phone service is 100 times better and now I am not worried that if my mother goes to the hospital, or my wife has an emergency, that they wont be able to get through to me.
Crap, better get ready to go to Bellevue now 🙂
First and foremost I want to make it clear that I am not complaining about my friends I am doing this for, so please read through, chuckle but don’t think its being said in a way that indicates I am upset with you two.
My day started at an early 5am. I got up and balanced my check book, sent Geico the insurance payment until next January, paid the cable bill and prepared for school. At 7am I had realized I had watched this episode of “the Pretender” (yes I am sad) so I figured I would go check on the kitty’s at Ashcake and Talkswithwind. I have agreed to feed the pretty kitties once a day for a week and then for three more days on the 4th of July and on. I had figured I would get this out of the way so I am driving to Sudden Valley (about a 20 minute drive). It’s not a bad trip out, I enjoyed the ride.
I then pulled up to the in question house, low and behold I see the “scardiest cat” of the group on their front porch. I went through a quick mental inventory and verified it was her (I had a hard time comprehending why would she be outside as we left all four of them happily eating the night before). I slowly approached hoping I could slide by her and open the door to let her in. As I walked up the stairs she jetted by me and around to where the garage is. I checked the door and it was still locked from yesterday, I figured I would draw her in by leaving the door open and making sounds like I was feeding the other three cats. She did not respond and I did feed the other three cats in order to get them into the side room so I could shut the door and focus more on the outside fourth cat.
I realized that the window over the patio was partially open and the corner of the screen was pushed outwards, A-HA!!! I had discovered the likely escape route.
As I finished filling the bowl I heard a low throated growl, Jez was watching me and growling. I kind of stood there stupidly trying to figure out why she was growling (although when I got there all three were acting growly and upset, probably because their fourth member was outside the door trying to get in). I put some of the “tasty paste” on my finger and offered it to her. I realized at the last second that was a mistake as she launched herself onto my hand, putting three deep punctures on my left middle finger. I got her off of me and retreated out of the room.
Meanwhile I attempted a third time to call Ashcake but my phone kept dropping the calls. Eventually I called on their land line and she gave me directions to attract the fourth cat. I tried for an hour or two like this (by now it was 10:30 and I had been here since 7:15 or so) Eventually I attempted to open the garage to let her in but that scared her out of view. I went back out to the front porch and as I walked across the entryway rug on the porch I heard a “crack” and my foot rolled into the hole that now appeared. There was a bit of pain and as I pulled my foot out and walked back into the house I realized my ankle was hurting. I called Ashcake back and explained I hurt my ankle and we agreed I would open the patio door and hope the fourth cat came in on her own.
I then proceeded home where the wife said she believed I had fractured that ankle again. It didn’t feel like that to me but I agreed and we went to Interfaith. I arrived at Interfaith, the doc looked it over and then sent me for an X-ray, she believed it was only a sprain and maybe a torn ligament and gave me an air splint and some meds(plus now I have to take antibiotics for the cat bite because evidently they have really gross bacteria in there). I got an x-ray, they gave me the results and referred me back to Interfaith. I contacted Interfaith (a public health clinic for lower income) and they said they can’t help me, because I would need an orthopedic surgeon, the cheapest way to see one is go to the ER. It turns out that on top of the already “unresolved fracture” from age 14, I now also have a cat bite and a flake fracture of the tip of the lateral malleolus, can only really be fixed by surgery (plus its sprained and probably retore the ligament I tore three years ago on that same ankle.
Well I am broke so I cannot afford the ER nor can I afford to have pins put in my ankle (the needed surgery for my ankle) FUCK AMERICA AND ITS FUCKED UP MEDICAL SYSTEM. So the wife and me went to Hoagland’s Pharmacy, picked up three different scripts, a set of crutches, an otoscope and batteries.
So, in the end, the cost of today.
1. Not enough sleep (thats my fault)
2. Missed all of my classes today.
3. Had to spend a ton of money
$15 X-ray fee
$50 in misc medical supplies (such as ice bag, etc).
and still an unknown amount owed to Interfaith for seeing me.
This was an expensive day ($135+), and I am tired.
Time to nap now, (btw I dont begrudge watching the kitties, just was a long ass “Ernest Goes to Camp” sort of day).