UW Seattle and Spouse Nightmare

Update note: I refer to my wife, that is indeed the same person that is currently my husband. 

I have been having nightmares for the past 4 days in a row and even though they are different they feel like they are getting worse. Normally I would tell the wife unit but she has been freaked out by her parents and sister and I haven’t felt I had the right to burden her. So what am I going to do? Yes I am going to burden all of you by making you hear about my nightmare from last night.

First I should give you some background. I occasionally will have streaks of nightmares. I haven’t had a horrible streak of nightmares in a few years but when I was younger I would have long streaks of wake up screaming nightmares. Usually it starts as fall approaches and I just noticed its fall again. Hmm coincidence? I think not.

Some other background info, when I was young (in high school) I got picked on by the jocks. The funny thing is I used to be a football player for neighborhood leagues but I got tired of the competition so I gave it up and my family moved up to B’ham. So while I went to high school in B’ham I had long hair and ratty clothes.

For the first few days I got picked on mercilessly, I think this is because the jocks knew I had not made any friends yet so there was no “clique” that would protect me. I tolerated the picking on for a while but I felt more and more trapped and one morning in jock hall (I had to walk down jock hall to go to my Drama class) they started taunting me again. Honestly what happened next was kind of a blur but I found myself picking out the biggest football player and like a screaming banshee I grabbed him threw him against a locker, kneed him several times and began pounding his face screaming I was going to bury him and the rest of the football team in the back field.

Now most of you who know me in real life must realize at the time I was 6 inches shorter and about 100lbs lighter (about 5’10 150 lbs or so). When I recovered from my temporary freak out the jocks had moved about 10 feet away from me and the burly guy I was holding was crying. I released him and walked away.

The weird thing is the principle was not informed by the jocks and they gave me a wide birth for the rest of my high school experience (I even became friends with a couple of the cooler jocks). Although to this day people who taunt me just piss me off, probably a holdover from this time period. Well I think that is enough of a background of what I think is relevant issues (well there are others but I don’t want to go into them, they are too personal to wish to post). Well here it is, the dream that freaked me out.

The wife had super short hair again (for some reason that’s my favorite) and was wearing some of her clothes that enhance what she looks like (e.g. short and leathery). We were both going to UW in Seattle and it appeared that we were both in some sort of lecture hall with low lighting. I was listening to the professor when I looked over and this girl was glaring at me for some unknown reason. I became very uncomfortable when I noticed three different guys glaring at me. They all had the “I am a jock but trying to look alternative” appearance and they began throwing shit at me and threatening me, this of course reminded me of high school and I felt a freak out coming.

Eventually the class ended with me having a small frenzy, I grabbed one of their desks flipped it over and explained in a very low voice to his ear that I would kill him if he didn’t leave me and mine alone. Well the three of them (with the girl) left the room and I had this feeling the shit was going to hit the fan so I caught up to my spouse outside the room. I found that she was talking and laughing with those three boys and yes I admit I am a jealous person but I didn’t feel it was my right to stop her from talking to people. They wrote their phone numbers on her arm and left.

I had this feeling I was going to have to fight all three of them at a time, I wasn’t scared of fighting them but I was worried about going to jail for giving the three of them a beat down. I got an extendable nightstick and hung it off my belt (you never know when they might jump you). Then spousal unit and I went outside and found ourselves in downtown Seattle. We wondered up a small street and sitting on a ledge by the street we saw our friend Kailey.

We sat down and talked, and the spouse told me she forgot something and she would be right back. Well I sat with Kailey talking and horsing around when after awhile I noticed she had not come back and I was becoming increasingly worried that something might have happened to her. Eventually I told Kailey I would be back later, got up and headed back into the school. Weirdly enough I found both my brother and my mother in the school but both claimed to not have seen her (and even in my dream state I thought it was weird to see both of them there).

I wandered through school until I noticed a line of boys at a doorway. Someone was taking money from them. There was the biggest pit in my stomach as I noticed that the guy taking money was the redhead of the three guys I got into the yelling match with. Part of me did not want to know and walk away. I knew what was going on, I could feel it in my gut. I whipped out my nightstick and hit the first jock so hard I heard a soft cracking sound and he dropped like a stone. I stepped in and saw the other two giggling and going over a pile of money. To my left I saw movement on a table (all I could make out where handcuffs and writhing on the table) and for some reason in my dream I knew what was happening but I couldn’t force my dream self to look.

I stepped forward and in a short time I dropped the other two jocks pretty quickly, the sounds of it reminded me of when I was 16 and did drop a jock with a baseball bat after he hit me with it first. I turned around and for a brief second I saw the spousal unit and this boy silhouetted, she was staring at me and I woke up (my gut felt on fire, I think my ulcers might be coming back) and the reason I woke up is because she was angry at me and I was unable to determine whether it was because I interrupted her and something she wanted to do or because I was late in rescuing her.

This dream freaked me out this morning so badly I had to get up and puke in our main bathroom. I realize by reading this, someone who was not me may not understand why its so horrific and it freaked me out so bad but I felt I needed to write it down and tell others and maybe I can prevent my dreams continuing on a downward spiral.

Unsettling Dreams

Well, I woke up this morning, my back hurts almost as bad as the first day, wonder whats up with it. That however is probably because of the dreams I had all night. I should have gotten up when I had them and wrote them down but I tried to go back to sleep and because of that I was unable to remember it all now (lol I have a short memory span anyways and trying to sleep makes it that much shorter).

It was weird, I dreamt about my grandmother and grandfather on my dad’s side. When I was growing up I was pretty close to both of them, they usually lived in same apartment complex as my parents (and in the last complex they lived next door). They used to spoil me rotten and unfortunately they didn’t treat my brother and sister the same. They would buy me all kinds of candy, pop, toys and I would stay at their house a lot. I remember sitting on their couch and watching John Wayne movies (what I didn’t find out til I was older was that because I was such a hyper active kid they would then turn around and feed me valium in the food to calm me down, boy was my dad pissed about that).

Its weird though, my grandmother died in 1983, when I was only 12. I remember when I heard she died, I was watching Jaws on TV. She had gone to the hospital many times so as a child I thought that was normal. I remember my dad coming over (I was at her and grandpa’s apt) and he told me, even to this day sometimes its hard for me to watch Jaws, lol bet that sounds weird, but I guess its those kind of memory cues that stick with you from being a kid.

After that I guess I was in partial denial, I feel bad because I treated my grandpa badly and was a total brat. eventually he came to live with us and for some reason I just avoided him (I found out later my dad absolutely hates him, he isn’t my dad’s real dad, rather he was a step dad and there were some abuse issues, but grandpa always bought me what I wanted and did whatever I asked him to). Finally my grandfather got moved to a nursing home here in Bellingham when we moved up. It was sad, he called me one day and asked if I would come over, I said sure but being 15 I was easily distracted and forgot to go. He died that night.

Its weird, to this day I feel very guilty about that, that has always bothered me that I never got to say goodbye and yet I had the chance to do it. Thinking back in hindsight I realize now I was scared of the nursing home and of seeing him in it but I still don’t think thats an excuse. ahh the wonders of Catholic guilt. Its amazing I haven’t been a practicing catholic for years and yet I still feel that guilt, ok thats a different rant I think.

Back to the dream. I dreamt I was in their old apartment and both of them were alive, but it was like being in a movie, I could see them, feel them but I couldn’t hear them. I could hear everything else, the tv, outside the birds but they would open their mouths and no sound would come out. This really bothered me for some reason and I woke up. As I laid in bed I realized something that bothers me even now. I can’t remember what their voices sounded like. It probably sounds weird and wussy but that really bothers me, I don’t want to forget them but I was pretty young when my grandmother died, and I didn’t see my grandfather much after her death, and when I did I treated him badly. I don’t want to forget their voices.

Sometimes its hard to remember what my grandmother looked like but if I think about it I remember. I guess I will stop now, I am bothered enough by this I don’t think I can write about it anymore.

Well I am off for my Visual Basic midterm, cya all later.