Dreams 7-29-18

Last night I had a dream that really kind of bothered me.

It was in an old house my parents had rented when I was a kid, on Iron Street. There were some differences, mainly my parents were the same age they are now (as was I), there were flourescent lights behind plexiglass advertisements on the corner of the wall/ceiling and my parents were sitting there being a bit spacey.

A younger brunette with a very alternative look was there as well. She introduced herself to me, but something bothered me when she did so (and I cannot seem to remember her name). She followed me around my parents house while I got some coffee and lunch. I noticed some weird plastic cap thingees in the sink. 

The dark haired girl with the peircings and chopped up tee-shirt kept coming on to me (no it was not a representation of the wife), she was in the corner of my dream house somewhere and I knew it). She even went so far as to push her ass up against me every chance she got. But I continued to ignore her.

I went back out into the living room, just as I was doing that, my little brother Bear was shooting up drugs (heroin). I freaked out on him and he said my parents were doing it as well. It dawned on me that they were nodding out and I immediately understood the plastic thingees were needle caps.

I freaked out, went into the living room and confronted my parents. They said that yes, they are doing it. I found out it was from the dark haired alternative girl that they started and it was too late for them to now quit. 

I immediately woke up. Its not that my parents haven’t tried all drugs (they have), but they have never been fond of forcing drugs into your veins directly. I also realize this dream most likely because my aunt Ines had a heart attack last week (sounds even more severe then my mother’s two years ago). She lived a life of a junkie, not my parents sometimes doing drugs or drinking, but a full blown, sticking needles in her arm with her daughter (my cousin) Sarah.

I worry about my mom. She is the youngest of them (Ines is 59, my mom 57, and the oldest aunt Ardis is 62 I believe). My mom is likely to be hurt and cry if something happens to Ines. Sadly enough Ines never really acted like she cared about my mom (most junkies don’t/can’t care about others while fucked up) and never really contacted my mom, after her big heart attack. So I honestly don’t feel emotional at all about my middle aunt having a heart attack. Of course I don’t want to see her die, but selfishly that is mostly so I don’t have to see my mom suffer.

Well, that is it for now, exhausted, maybe I can get back to sleep.

Mother’s Heart Attack

Freaked out would be an understatement. I am sorry to everyone who has to read this. I hate bitching about my situation but I am pretty worried about my mother.

For those of you that don’t know I got a call at 7am this morning. My mother had a major heart attack, after hours of tracking down where her and my father were we met up. She seems pretty happy, in good spirits and pretty positive.

Here is the problem, she is a patient at the Doctors office I work for, he wanted to check on her and we found out that her heart CK was 1438, the normal range is 24-170, anything above that is major damage. That means her CK was 20+ times bigger then average which signifies a huge amount of possible heart damage. The kind that can easily have people die shortly thereafter to complications or to a second heart attack (actually the fact that she survived the first attack was due to the uncharacteristic showing of her heart attack, she had an attack like a man. Most women when they have heart attacks think they have backaches, she had a full on chest crimping pain).

Now, the numbers indicate a very very grim situation, but the Cardio unit my mom is in thinks she might be released tommorrow and the cardio tech watching her heart says she has a lot of optimism. Now my mother hasn’t been able to talk to the heart doc but then again neither have we. So on one hand we have a Cath lab that says she is in gravest of situations and on the other hand it seems like the worst is over.

Either way I won’t find out until 7am tomorrow when the doctor does his rounds (I am going in to talk and sit with her at 630am). I am damn worried about losing her, not only that but it wouldn’t be long until my father would become “crazy vietnam vet guy” and probably not live long after her. I am worried about losing my mother and the possibility of my father. 

I feel inside this is doubly unfair since they have had alcohol problems for the first 30 years of my life (worse as I got older) and for the last two they have been sober, its almost as if whatever greater power is out there is using them like a carrot to dangle in front of me, saying now that they are happy and sober I am not allowed to have a relationship with them.

Sorry, freaked out, worrying and ranting. I will stop now.

I just hope my mother is ok.