Shifting Focus

The last several months have been completely overwhelming. I have been running at a spoon deficit since I started to transition and it is only getting worse. The burnout is bad, and I do feel myself slipping closer into bouts of depression again.

I was talking to the hubby and he pointed out that every single hobby I regularly participate in is to please other people. As a general rule almost all the hobbies I still partake regularly are more spoons out than in. I think I am going to do some changes. I need to stop doing things as hobbies for other people.

Take for example baking, mostly for other people. I don’t like eating that many sweets, and the sweets I do want to make are generally not favored by Americans (not sweet enough, unusual ingredients, etc). I suspect I will reduce/eliminate my baking. I will expand my cooking though. I do that for me and the hubby and I enjoy it.

I do like talking about politics, but for the last couple of years, it has been more of trying to help shift people (or outright fight with MAGA shits)… which doesn’t change things when done online. I haven’t learned much new and I certainly haven’t enjoyed it. In response to this, I dumped all my political feeds today, I probably will only do anything LBGTQIA related, and then only on occasion.

I will probably mute a lot of people who do politics only. That means my Facebook will mostly be shitposting, selfies, photos of my food and random inane shit I think about.

My video game lets plays are another thing. I do enjoy it, but the stress comes about in my desire to provide content for others.  The stress about scheduling and what games to play can sometimes get in the way of having fun. I haven’t played a video game for me in a long long time other than Battlefield and I don’t know how to even do that now. I think I might continue, but at my pace and only with the games I want to play.

My Things You Should Know channel is the most fun of the youtube but that is probably because I do that at my speed. Originally it was multiple videos a week, now if I get a video a week out I am happy and that is fine.

My photography, one of my “me only” hobbies has been curtailed severely due to the spoons it takes (money and time). That will be coming back soon.

My writing has been haphazard. That is purely for me. I think that will take a lot higher focus and I need to let that be something I come home and do, instead of putting it away so I can do things for others.

Gaming… the biggest hobby I have had over the course of my life. Currently, I am not a player in any game, so there is no “me only” focus. However, as a GM I get a lot of out it. It helps with my creativity, leads to me writing stories and bonding with friends. So it will continue. I enjoy making stories, and my technical writing skills ARE SHIT, but I am really good at the actual telling of stories (insert oral joke here).

I will also be expanding world-building not just for my current games, but future games. I very much enjoy the process of building worlds, cultures and making websites on them. I realize most people don’t read the. websites for the games they are in, let alone the others and that is ok. The websites/world-building is mostly for me. Plus if the worlds are built, its easier to run them as a game.

The one hobby that is for me and is new is makeup. I have gotten a pretty good basic foundation on it, but I think I want to get better. I want to include dressing up,  hair, etc. It is dual purpose though, the better I can do, the closer to passing I can get. This means my public life gets easier overall.

End result… I am dropping politics/news, and baking, while cutting back on video editing (but not stopping), increasing writing and makeup/girl stuff and staying the same on my gaming. Photography I will come back to eventually, just not enough spoons with the surgeries and travel for transition. So that is how I am shifting focus at this moment.

Work and training

I have been quiet for a couple weeks because of work. I got selected to become our office’s Data Analytics Expert. I am good with this, it will be really nice on my resume and I will get to do what I like and dig into data. The hard part is the training. I have a lot of experience with data analytics at my prior state jobs (it hasn’t been done before now with this fed agency) so I have seen it. However, I am out of practice by several years so I can use the training, even if it is at a bad time.

The frustrating part is most of my coworkers are reluctant or even hostile to the idea of focusing on analytics, data mining, and other forms of analysis. They just want to do what has been done for the last 20 years even though it is slower, longer and not as effective. Doing analytical procedures will help sift through the multi-gigabyte size exported files. Personally I think it is a great thing. I look forward to it, but I hope that it isn’t avoided by everyone else and this turns out to be a pointless exercise.

There is however some issues with the timing of this. As seems to be the case for all things in my agency, things need to be put off and off and off, then all of a sudden they have to be done NOW! They decided to give me the data analytics expert position more than three weeks before they even told me. They had “forgotten” to tell me, so it was a last minute decision right before Christmas that we need to have all this training. We are currently on a very restrictive deadline for our forward pricing project. We have to have the audit done by end of February. The hard part with my new position is the almost 100 hours of training I have to get done in addition to be done with my portion of the audit.

I have spent a week at work doing online training (the prep courses) and I got some of my auditing done. However, next Tuesday I have to fly down to Los Angeles, stay there and fly back to Seattle on Friday. Saturday I will have off with the husband and then I fly back down to San Diego Sunday and will be down there until the following Friday. I won’t really be able to touch my audit until after the first of February, meaning everything is tight at work. Although I am fairly fast and I suspect I will be ok. I just hate the idea of being behind by 100 hours worth of work.

I am thankful for several things though. The first being that I stay in the PST time zone. I absolutely hate trying to get used to getting up at 5am EST (2am my normal time, that is even earlier then my actual early wakeup). Second, and more importantly, I am excited I am not in the deep red south. I don’t think I could handle being down there while I feel like I am in a week of national mourning for the inauguration day next Friday. It will be hard enough in our conservative agency, but to put up with the red south this month isn’t going to work (and honestly won’t work for me for at least the next four years). Let’s hope we all survive the coming apocalpyse

 

Shit…

I realize I haven’t been on much, life is busy. However, last night’s election has definitely made things more anxiety filled. I have a post on Accidentally gay I wrote about. I am going to crosspost it here.

I am sure this is only the first of many posts dealing with the results of the elections this year (2016). I had several articles/posts ready to be worked on but after last night I figured I should get my initial thoughts and feelings out for posterity.

Yep, its like that.

Yep, its like that.

I am not too surprised at what happened. Of course I am hurt that a sexist, racist, homophobic and xenophobic person was elected, but not surprised. I have spent a lot of time traveling over the last two years to the southern states and it was there I saw this in action the most, but I have seen it locally as well.

Don’t get me wrong, there was more than just the sexism, racism, bigotry and homophobia that was the cause for his election as president. People are angry, they want real change. Sadly I don’t think they are going to get the change they really want from a rich guy who has been bankrupt four times. People are reaching to make something great, when it was never great in that way.

After I watched the election results roll in, I felt like I was punched in the gut though, not because of all the slew of liberal/progressive issues I am in favor of, but for the safety of Wolsey. The first thing I thought about was his safety.

We fortunately live in a very very blue area, but this election has not only shown we haven’t progressed as a society as far as I had hoped, but there will be those that will take this as a sign to attack verbally, physically, legally anyone that doesn’t believe like they do.

I am suspecting there will be an increase in attacks on the LGBTQA community, even in my blue area. I don’t worry about myself. I am a big guy, most people leave me alone anyways, and even if they don’t it isn’t much of a worry. I worry a lot about my husband though. Not that he isn’t tough, but he is the person I love most in this world. I don’t want to see him in pain. This includes emotional pain from the hatred that this election is spewing forth towards everyone, especially transgender individuals.

I suspect I will be writing a lot, which is a good thing for me anyways, but I wish it was for other reasons.

I guess we get to live in “interesting times”. Personally I would rather live in boring, safe and happy times.

9/11 Unpopular Opinion

Lovely husband's magic egg!

Lovely husband’s magic egg!

Oh dear god I am going to get bombarded with “Never forget” posts. I hate these posts for one reason, certain groups bang the drums to this shouting how we are in danger and the evil of Muslims. That we should reduce our freedoms and invade other countries in the name of security.

Don’t get me wrong, it was horrible that approximately 3,000 people died, but our stupid “never forget” backlash got us into a war in Iraq, lost our freedoms and soared the debt and deficit (notice I did agree with Afghanistan but our subsequent halting to attack Iraq doomed the good in Afghanistan).

We now live in an age of fear, not because of terrorism but because we choose fear and fake security over the ideals of free citizens. The terrorists won, not because they enslaved us, but because we allowed our fear to enslave ourselves.

Let’s put this into perspective. 3,000 poor souls died that day. However approximately 10,000 – 18,000 people die every year from drunk driving. Since the 9/11 attack if we are super conservative with the numbers,about 150,000 people have died from drunk driving. That is 50 times more than died on 9/11 (and that is HUGELY underestimating alcohol related deaths).

I am not saying it isn’t sad, but we need to focus on the here and now, not the fear mongering that the term “never forget” really means.

http://www.rita.dot.gov/bts/sites/rita.dot.gov.bts/files/publications/by_the_numbers/drunk_driving/index.html

Blue Lives What?

freedmanstreetcops1First, I need to say I feel badly for the two cops executed and their families. That is a horrendous thing that should never have happened. Most cops are good, (although I won’t call a cop good if they are in the same department and don’t point a finger at the bad cops) and I assume these specific cops did not deserve it.

However, I see this trend on several social media sites were people (usually white middle class or above) are ranting that they “better see some protests now” for the cops, as if this is the same thing as what happened to Eric Garner or Mike Brown. I am sorry but your white privilege blinders are showing.

It is by no means the same thing. 

Cops have access to their own powers of law (arresting people, killing people, etc) but in addition to this they have the entire societal, court and government systems behind them. You can be guaranteed that any cop beat up, let alone killed will have the person accused of doing that indicted for a crime. The cops have the power, they not only have it, they ARE it.

The reason for the protests is because minorities do not have any recourse. They don’t have the power to arrest someone who victimized them, they don’t even have the power to stop from being victimized. They especially don’t have the ability to stop being victimized by those with power (aka COPS). A minority group member is unlikely to have the victimizer be indicted or charged, especially if that victimizer is a cop.

The idea of protesting is to underline that power imbalance and to protest it. It is to bring to the people in charge, that everyone else isn’t being treated “equal”. It is to protest the victimization of minorities who daily have to worry how someone in power (e.g. a cop) is going to treat them.

This is why there are no protests to underline the power imbalance for cops, because they are the power imbalance. Cops don’t need attention or support, they already can do what they want.

The whole switching #BlackLivesMatter to that stupid Blue Lives Matter (no I won’t actually hashtag it) just shows the complete misunderstanding that both the cops and the white media have of the situation.

End Day 2 in Atlanta

opinionYesterday wrapped up pretty well. The schooling was long, and not very effective, but the first day of this type of training is often like that. The people are nice enough, the trainers are working hard.

Got home and worked out on a cardio bike for 20 minutes, then a 30 minute upper body workout (the new app I have turns out to kind of suck, so going with a different program). The workout room here is a lot worse then the one at our apartment complex (mostly just cardio and a few free weights) so I doubt I will get much working out here.

A friend pointed out that it is election time (which I forgot, we just get our mail in ballot and do research from there, we don’t watch tv) after I talked about the horror of the political ads here. Almost every ad isn’t about the issues, but about either illegal immigrants are taking all the jobs, or that Obama’s “horrible laws” will be upheld if they don’t vote in or out certain candidates. The worst part is people freaking about Obamacare!!!!! (yes the exclamation points are needed). It is obvious no one has ever researched the Affordable Healthcare Act.

In fact I was talking with a group and they were against Obamacare, I asked about if they read it and they said no. Not even two minutes later they were bitching about health insurance companies and the fact that medicaid wasn’t expanded. Then several of them were bitching about feminists and the gays (and yes, “the gays” is how they referred to it). I quickly retracted myself from the situation.

Now, I complain a lot about here, but I did watch something on their news I have to take my hat off to. Evidently a guy ran his car into a group of people (including a cop). It wasn’t until he hit the cop that the cop fired a single shot at him. If this was in Seattle, the police department would have shot the wrong person 22 times, then charged that person’s family for the bullets. At least at this point it seems like Georgia police are less likely to just shoot people (although that could be wrong, I have only been here two days).

Morning of Day 2 in Atlanta

Here I am trying to wake up to go to my first day of schooling (for two weeks of training for my new job). I am back in Atlanta, and as a side note for people who don’t know, I live in the Pacific NW, I got in Sunday evening and was way too tired to post then. My goal though is to post constantly while I am here, I slacked last time.

First, I have to say everyone in the airport and at the hotel have been incredibly nice. I realize they are service workers and that is what they get paid for, but the whole Southern Hospitality schtick seems to hold up so far.

The hotel room itself is actually really nice. I have a couch, coffee table, a nice bed, tv and a small moveable desk if I need. It is excellent for a two week stay. The only disappointment is the hotel doesn’t have microwaves in the rooms (wtf is up with that? Every motel 6 I have stayed at in the past had one, this is a higher grade hotel). So this is another pro compared to last time, this hotel is definitely a better grade.

Walmart was once again a nightmare though. I thought maybe last time I was here the Walmart food area was just overwhelmed but it seems to be a derelict of empty shelves at all times. The customers though are nicer here then in the Pacific NW. They smile more and say hi when they pass by.

The shuttle driver and service is also already a lot better then last time as well. He shows up when he says he will and doesn’t act like its the end of the world. So far so good.

There has only been two cons so far!

The first is our internet SUCKS!!! We get this 128k type internet (I am sure it is faster but doesn’t feel like it) and you have to pay an additional $6 a day if you want full speed. I am sure our agency paid for full internet so I will have to look into that.

The media… what was I thinking when I turned on the tv and they had a commercial that Georgia has a million new jobs! Yet ALL of those million new jobs went to THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, and that WE MUST TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY.

Ahh conservatives in the South are “still keeping it real”, it is nice you are so reliable in your outlook. I am a little more aware of things this time, so I can watch a bit closer on how different from where I am from, maybe I can be a little more discerning, but as a person in a same-sex marriage with alternate (read liberal) ideas I definitely feel out of my realm.

It doesn’t help I work a white collar job with the vast majority of people who have middle class or higher privilege and are straight/conservative. This just magnifies things. Also I do realize I have my own biases, and I suspect I will never move those biases as well (pro-working class and lower economic levels, pro alternate lifestyles, anti “traditional” outlooks).

Don’t worry, I am already seeing more stuff to write up, you will get a lot of stuff in the  next two weeks.

Passing and Sexism

jellocar

Jello’s 2012 Kia. He was so excited to get it.

Today we had to buy a certified Kia for Jello. He got a temp job and needs to get to it. While we were getting the car however, an awkward situation arose.

We were in the car when the salesman (a young kid) was talking about taking other people out on test drives. Jello was driving, he was in the passenger seat and I was in the back. The guy started joking that when he takes women out driving how horrible they were as drivers.

This absolutely horrified me. I have never thought differently about a woman driving, and I don’t understand why stupid assholes think that way. This is probably due to Jello being the first person who could drive decently in our group of friends when I was a teen. Jay and Warren, the other people who drove cars were absolutely horrible drivers, but Jello was always good (and at the time presenting as a woman), so maybe I never made that sexist connection.

Jello and I met eyes in the rear-view mirror. It was incredibly misogynistic/sexist and we were both horrified by that. On the other hand, it meant that Jello had passed 100% in close proximity with the guy. This pleased me greatly, I know he has been passing more and more. Now if we can only get his top surgery.

So it ended up being an incredibly awkward, but rewarding situation. I feel torn about it, both unhappy with the sexist comments, but overjoyed for Jello.

Oh, and this is cross-posted to Accidentally Gay.

Miley Cyrus Debacle

I am sad to see all the hate lumped onto Miley Cyrus. She is an adult woman and she did what she wanted to do (I am making the assumption that it was her choice and she wasn’t pressured since no evidence to the contrary has surfaced).

Do I think that behavior dumb, sure I do. Do I like Miley Cyrus? Not at all. However, everyone keeps wanting to take away her own agency on the choices she makes. She did nothing illegal, she harmed nobody, and that is that.

It is a non-story, it really isn’t anyone’s business. I have seen a specific blog post running around Facebook, a parent telling their daughter how they would stop them from doing this.

Take for example this quote from the blog:

“I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.”

She is an adult, the parent needs to sit down and shut up and let her live her own life.

What I hate most is I feel I have to defend someone I dislike, because people are dog-piling and making an issue when there is none. Damn you all for making me defend Miley Cyrus.

How come I don’t see people screaming about the chemical attacks in Syria, or about our poor dying without insurance, nope our society has become so shallow and sad that the fact that Miley Cyrus was dancing in a provocative way makes the headlines.
I weep for the world.

Oh, and she is not a possession of her dad’s, so it doesn’t matter if it “betrays him” she is an adult woman.

http://roadkillgoldfish.com/2013/08/26/dear-daughter-let-miley-cyrus-be-a-lesson-to-you/

GM Corner #2: Rape in Game

A video response to My Brain Lies recent rape in gaming video, also meant as a GM Corner video as well.

 

My Brain Lies
My Brain Lie’s video about rape in gaming (YOU MUST WATCH!!!)