Dream: It has always been you

I just woke up from a peculiar dream.

I dreamt I walked down this elaborate stone staircase onto a huge dance room floor (I am talking classical dancing type floor). It was a huge costume ball. People dressed in different things, silks, satins, wool and I walked up and danced with this girl in mask. As we danced, she shifted her appearance across the spectrum, going from beautiful to old, female to male, heavier to lighter and the whole time changing her appearance/costume into different forms and looks.

I got the feeling I had a few small separate dreams each time she shifted, almost as if viewing a different life (but upon waking I could not recall them) The entire time it seemed as if they were the same person, but not physically looking the same, just the same  person over different lives.  Eventually she shifted to a stone statue that still danced with me. Finally she changed into my wife and all I could think as I was filled with love.

“Its you…..
 Its always been you….”

Those were the last words and thoughts I woke up with.

As I laid there, I don’t think the dream itself was a bad dream, but it felt important (unfortunately already little bits of it are drifting away like an illusion or mirage) it felt like the dream had an importance to it.

For some reason as I laid there though, I got an anxiety attack much like the ones I would get last Christmas time, I got up, used the restroom and then laid back down. By the time I regained my thoughts the dream was quickly leaving (There were a lot more details in the costuming/masks she wore). The music was beautiful and it just felt important so I decided I needed to get up and report the dream before I lost it completely.

probably stupid, I know I know, especially the anxiety attack.

Not even sure where the anxiety attack came from after the dream, the dream wasn’t horrible, it wasn’t filled with anything bad at all. Actually it just felt like my love for Sage, it was as if things suddenly make sense. The anxiety attack I am not even sure the form it manifested, it was nothing my waking mind could pin as a fear (nothing like my wife leaving, not at all like the fear last winter of the loss of my parents, nor of eventual death) it was just a nameless worry.

Sorry, I am exhausted and now rambling, I just needed to write it down.

Crisis of Faith?

Well I finally fell asleep about 3am. I really think my worries about my parents growing old and what is going to happen is most likely still some stress from school, bad diet (not that I am on a diet, bad food habits), caffiene withdrawal and not enough vitamins.

Please forgive the following ranting, I have just woke up and am still bleary eyed so I am not sure how much sense this will make when I wake up, but it makes sense now.

I also think I am having a small crises of faith. I get worried when I am stressed on what will happen to my wife, parents, siblings and friends after they die. Weirdly enough I don’t feel as concerned about myself, except that I have selfish feelings, I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to have to miss them. I don’t want to lose my wife forever after this is over. I am not talking about a heaven/hell thing, I just mean part of me thinks its unfair I only get a certain time with her, my parents and my friends.

I realize that sounds funny as hell, and normally I dont even worry or think about it, but this quarter for some reason its been bothering me. I guess this has plagued man all of eternity, the foreknowledge of dying. I guess I am partially worried my wife is right and this is the end of things, although honestly I guess if its over after this I wont notice too much :).

I am  partially worried the Christians or other monotheistic religions are right and there is a judgmental being that will separate family/friends/loved ones because they wont kneel to him/her/it in supplication and obey rules instead of judging on who is truly a good soul.

Ok, here is my rant about Christianity/Catholicism/Monotheism of any type. Having been raised Catholic (with bouts as buddhist for 5 years, and other Christian churches for a few sessions each). I originally believed in God, Jesus, the devil all of that. As I grew older I realized the hypocrisy that all churches have.

I have yet to see a church that doesn’t “make money” off of people. Don’t get me wrong, I believe they need to be able to make enough to keep going, but I have never seen a poor preacher who has a congregation, not ever. All I hear from ALL monotheistic religions is that if you don’t “believe” in a single way of doing things, if you wont kneel and be subservient and go to church then your going to hell. I would think that a divine being of goodness would base thier whole judgement on a person’s goodness (which I believe is how you treat others). My believing that most Christians/other Monotheistic followers are hypocrites is the fact they preach goodness, but tell my wife she is going to hell because she is not Christian.

Its funny because they do good things in order to get into heaven, the wife does good things because she likes people (ignore her rumblings, she has an incredibly generous heart when people are in need). But according to these people they will go to heaven because they are being good (purely for the reason of going to heaven, seems kinda selfish if thats the only reason they are good) and she goes down because she doesn’t follow thier religion.

Now I have been happily surprised by some “individual” followers of Monotheism, some of them have shown me generousity above and beyond and I dont believe they do it for an end, but they are good people. What frustrates me is the dogma of these churches, not the individuals in the churches (ok, some individuals frustrate me even more).

I realized my ranting is going off on a tangent so I will try and pull it back. I am worried that either
A). There is nothing after this, but I guess thats moot once I die, I wont notice and it will just be over, or
B). There is a jealous god/goddess/thing that because my family tends to be less then religious will split us up so we never see each other again.

I think what bothers me the most is I want to believe in something, I want to believe there is a a good place everyone goes to, there is actually very few people in history that I think deserves a hell, how can someone be judged if they do something horrible for only one lifetime, what if thier circumstances of when/where/how they were born dictate they have to behave in a bad manner, hell why could a divine being of good judge someone who has mental illness and does horrible things because of it, that they deserve eternal torment. It doesn’t seem fair.

Actually that last part is probably the crux of my problem with most religions. How is it fair to judge anyone as “beyond redemption” because either they dont believe in a church (but are good people) or because they are born into unfair circumstances that they do bad things. How can eternal damnation be that easy to give? Hell honestly I would think its unfair for even someone like Hitler to go to eternal hell. Yes he caused suffering but he obviously was suffering from mental illness/syphillis/etc. 

Now there is a way around this, some eastern religions is that maybe we are judged on more then one life, I could understand if someone was an evil bastard for more then one life, maybe the soul is corrupt and deserves to go to hell. But I believe that would be a fairer way to judge the mettle of someone. The eastern religions believe we redo this life until we get it right. 

Actually in the end thats what I hope this is about, we come back and keep doing the “living” thing til we get it right and then we can move on. This quarter I have been having problems with my personal beliefs, not that I dont believe them anymore, just fears instilled in me by Christianity and the guilt have made me second guess myself.

My whole belief (is usually at least) that we have all been here before (we dont repeat the same life, yes I do believe in “past lives” and no I wasn’t an Egyptian Pharoah, I dont think at least). I believe the same “souls” meet each other and thats why certain people even upon meeting them for the first time I believe I have known them for a long time.

I am positive my wife and I have been together before (more then once at that). I believe my friends and family have been together in different variations before and actually I do sometimes have dreams of past places/times and I sometimes wonder if thats a memory or maybe its a “cellular” memory from an ancestor. I do believe some form of “reincarnation” exists.

That was one of the hard things to try and accept as a Catholic, that we only get one life, one chance to do it right, it always seemed to me unfair that eternity is based on a single set of years ranging from 1 to 80. Even 80 years seems like such a small time to lay eternal damnation on someone for actions. 

Actually I guess in the end I am agnostic, I do believe there is something good (no matter how hard I try to think nothing is there), I do believe there is something bad there, whether thats an outer being of evil, or the flaws in us individually I am not sure of. I am trying to restore my belief that there is something after this life, I realize that this sounds weird, but I hope all things have an afterlife (including animals/pets, I sit here staring at my humongous cat above my monitor and I think it would be a shame if this was it for the little guy).

I think thats where the chink in my “crisis of faith” its not that I don’t believe there is something good, I just am scared that the Christians/Monotheistic people are right and it is a judgemental being, or that the atheists are right and thats it, its over (but I don’t think the atheists are right about there not being a divine being/or beings, I don’t think the Romans/Celts/Greeks/Japanese/Just about every other non-monotheistic culture are necessarily wrong). I could accept a pantheistic view, especially after my classes with Rabbi Oblath.

My belief in the churches of monotheism were shaken when I took a class with a rabbi that explained how the old testament was written and how current modern day peoples mis-interpret what is going on (Hebrew religious texts are very exact in what the meanings are, he was explaining). I figure since “his” religion and people wrote the old testament they would have a clearer understanding of things then the churches that took it over. There are so many examples that I will rant with at a latter time (Adam had multiple wives, god in the garden speaking with other beings of equal level, etc). But all of those require a lot of ranting each so no space here.

I guess in the end, I just am worried that the conservative religious people are right, but then again if they are right the being that demands worship and obediance isn’t truly good and they are being fooled. IF that was the case (and I hope its not) then maybe it is better to Reign in Hell then serve in heaven.

Ok, that was a really long winded rant, I think it helped me to write it out, I feel less worried about things now. Even though I feel my rant isn’t done, I need to stop, it was a long time in writing and in the end its just better if I get some breakfast and get ready for going down to my parents house.