Oh… (dream)

I always hate it when I sit to write out the specifics and the details area already drifting away like smoke you can’t keep in your hands. I also hate that in order to capture as much of the dream and not change things I need to post it ASAP.

Wolsey and I were in my parent’s living room. I don’t think it was the one that my parents had last for the last twelve years, I think it was our old place I lived at on High Street when I was 18/19 and when Wolsey and I first started dating.

I think I was my current age and I was sitting there talking to someone I wasn’t very familiar with about my nieces and nephews. I can’t remember which of them it was specifically that it was about, but I was telling someone else that they needed to watch over the kids in case something happened to us (me?).

The dream kept flipping to another scene where the hubby and I were walking through a set of alleys and I kept carrying them. I say them because I don’t know if Wolsey looked like a boy or a girl, but it has never mattered. There were some large mud puddles and I carried Wolsey across them and kissing him while walking him and after we got across (not sexy kiss, just the habit I have of kissing him softly, randomly for no reason, I am sure he gets tired of that after multiple a day.

I just remember how light Wolsey was, but I don’t know if that meant Wolsey was still presenting as female and I was as male with how easily I carried him, or if he was sick or something. Although I think it had more to do with him just being much smaller than. me, so maybe it was just a memory of how I used to be much stronger before transition?

I would then be back at my parents living room, with Wolsey sitting beside me just out of sight, Monica my sister in-law (well they never officially married and she and my brother are no longer together), so I am not sure how to reference the mother of two of my nephews/nieces. I get along with her well, she actually has treated me better than my blood sister so maybe I should just refer to her as my sister.

I would be talking to that new person each time it flipped back to the living room. Meanwhile, my father was sitting on one of his old chairs, drinking his coffee and eating one of those powdered and raspberry-filled donuts from Hostess that he loved, while he listened and occasionally made a comment like he would.

It kept flipping back to that alley and for whatever reason I was worried. The last full semblance of the dream was back in the living room, smiling at my dad in frustration because I don’t think the person I was talking to was listening to me and I was getting frustrated.

I woke up and immediately knew that something about the alleyway had been important, but was already disappearing from my memory. I found my head was shoved under my pillow (with Tally up against my back and hubby up against my front, facing away). I laid there for a moment and kept thinking as I tried to do the math that my dad wasn’t really that old, that is until I realized I had miscounted the year and he should have been 73, not 63.

That is when I felt like I got kicked in the gut as I realized he was dead, and had died in his 60s. I then realized that my cheeks were cold and damp, with that tacky feeling. It occurred that the breeze was from the fan on the window, which was also causing the coldness, my tears which had been flowing while asleep were causing the dampness. It was a surrealistic feeling and I didn’t understand what was going on.

I laid there for a moment longer when I realized I was crying. I just let that happen with the pillow over my head, my face sticking out slightly shaking. Eventually I could feel Tally had shifted her weight and a cat paw was resting on my back as she listened and waited. Part of me hopes it was in worry over my silently crying, but the realistic part of me is fairly sure it was waiting to see if I got up because that makes it closer to her feeding time.

Realizing that Wolsey might wake up I got up and came out here to write it. I wish I could remember what kept happening in the alley that the dream kept flipping to, or why I was telling the stranger how to take care of my niece and nephew in case something happened to us.

Now I just have this unease at 2am as I sit here typing, frustrated that the reason for the unease is just drifting off like smoke from a fire already gone out, leaving behind just the ash of me trying to figure out what that was about.

Strange Dream

Last night I had one of those dreams that lasted the entire night.

It started with  and I growing up together. We started hanging around each other at about age 10 (in real life we met and became best friends at 16). We lived in those old house/commune with a few other families. We ended up building a tunnel of cardboard boxes down a large set of stairs.

We knew we would be going out when we got older, and we both were in love with each other. We ended up carving our name in a table that we ate meals at, but the table was in a large garage like area. Then at age 16 she has to go on a trip with her parents. For some reason this worried me a lot. Sadly  never came back from this trip. I waited for years and grew up, still waiting for her to come back (like some poor dog waiting for his boss to come home). At some point even  came over and told me he was sorry. Not sure why Savvy wanted to come over and say that, but he did (and your hear was longer buddy, not sure why I noticed that in the dream).

I dreamed about cleaning up that food/garage area a lot. Redoing the floor, and just watching where we had carved our names into the table. Eventually I was a little older then I am now. I knew I had left the commune/house on several trips looking for  and never finding her. The saddest thing I had ever done was to start tearing down the box tunnel then, the one we had made when we were 10. It was also a little weird because the tunnel always took weird twists and turns and forever to crawl through to get down to the cafeteria/garage. It had tight areas that a grown man like myself was claustrophobic (there is that claustrophobic thing again). But when I tore down the tunnel it was once again a small set of stairs, about 12-14 steps.

The fact it was smaller then the tunnel bothered me even more, just as I woke up missing .

Once again a strange dream, not sure if it means anything except I am a stalker and have focused on

Ack

I dreamt that the hubby and I lived in a huge high rise building. It was very similar to the building I worked at when I worked for the CPA firm in downtown Seattle. We lived on the 24th floor and at some point in the dream I actually got to our room (the elevator opened onto our bedroom, we had a beautiful view of dowtown (much like my old office). Then I ended up back on the elevator with no pants (but with underwear on).

However, the rest of the dream was concerned with trying to reach that room again. I stopped on several floors, one of them was my old work (it was floor 21), then I ended up on the 40th floor staring out from the elevator at this fancy office, with a huge restuarant in it. While riding this elevator my cousin stepped on board, she was in a wheelchair and in her late 50’s (she is only about 2 years younger then me, so it was weird to see her there), she then got off on another floor. I then saw my family, wife again, etc and the whole time I was still trying to get back to my apartment (they would get off on various other floors).

The final scene involved some older man that I called Uncle laying in a moveable bed in the elevator, (one of those hospital beds) hooked to IV’s. I had this feeling of remorse as I leaned over and hugged him. I noticed he was holding a pistol. He gently set the pistol on the bed while I was holding him, unplugged himself from the life support machine to let himself die. He told me to hold him tight so he couldn’t reach the gun to shoot me. As he lay dying he said he loved me and he was sorry about everything. After he died, thats when I woke up.

That was a bizarre dream

Another Dream

I ended up having a second dream last night. Not nearly as bad as my first.

I was in my early 20’s, as was  hubby. We both looked different, she was a bit darker in skin ( I am thinking Hispanic, but now that I am awake I am not so sure). We were together and in just as much love as we are now. We were with several friends and something horrible happened that resulted in several of the friends dying. After the event, I couldn’t really remember what it was (in the dream).

After that   wouldn’t really talk to me. She cried occasionally, refusing to talk to me most of the time and instead was pretty quiet. A little later she decided to party a bit, in a self-destructive way, and began to try harder drugs (I didn’t), and during these times she would actually pay attention to me. We would have incredible sex, and incredibly deep bonding conversations.

During her forays into partying she started playing around with another young girl. During one of these really hardcore parties the other girl saw me and decided to have an encounter with the two of us. She ended up tattooing my legs with needles she had (some pretty designs). After the intimate moments she seemed almost as sad as Sage and never really focused on me until the next party. They would both occasionally talk with me, but only in passing and only in a one sided in a sad way.

Later in the dream I had realized I could sometimes move things without touching them. As a side note most of the dream took place in a carnival, there were lots of scenes of me watching Sage and this other girl wander around sadly.

One morning I began looking for the younger girl and I realized that the girl had been kidnapped. I chased down her kidnapper and her to some place near the arctic. He was holding a gun to her head and I was able to move his arm (I was pretty angry in the dream) and used my ability to have him start shooting himself, starting with his other arm in two spots, each leg and finally in the head. She seemed incredibly surprised to see me.

Somehow we ended up back at the carnival, with me hooking her up with another young guy. Once again I didn’t do it directly, I got the impression I set up small incidents for them to run into each other.

The dream ended with me following   around, she was still sad, but we occaisionally would be together when it was quiet, sometimes it involved her using drugs, and every once in awhile just when she woke up

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When I woke up from this dream, it dawned on me that I had been dead in the dream, ever since the incident, and thats why they couldn’t normally see me.

Holy Sixth Sense Batman. It wasn’t too bad a dream though.