Dreams: Stuck at an airport

As a background, I haven’t talked to my sister at all since May of 2020, and only four times before that after my parents died in 2016 (even before that it was less than a couple times a year).

I was somehow traveling through an airport in a super cold place, but it was also a desert and ended up at the airport. I got trapped at the airport without my credit card. I had somehow misplaced it, or someone had taken it.

At this airport is a giant pool. Above this pool is a lobby that isn’t walled off from it. It sits like a mezzanine overlooking the pool, no wall, no railing, no nothing. There is at the edge of the water a concrete pillar that goes out of the water and up to the second floor lobby. A ladder runs up that pillar from the water.

Somehow while at the airport, looking for the credit card as I meet various people we are also living there above that lobby. It was a similar setup to where I lived as a child in Everett in an old mansion-like building. This whole time I kept rifling the lobby’s couches looking for my credit cards. I kept finding other people’s credit cards but not mine, so we were still there stuck for the entire dream.

At some point my sister showed up and she was angry that I kept jumping off the lobby ledge and into the pool, swim around then go back up to the lobby via the ladder on the pillar. She was also carrying around some huge stuffed animal, but I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was or why.

She decided to go tell my parents on me in the apartment area above the pool and lobby and locked the door to the room they were in (it was the door to the bathroom of that apartment from my childhood, sort of weird). She was tattling on me or trying to get me in trouble.

Meanwhile, I found my credit card but found myself the next moment on the concrete pillar, but it was a lot taller. Instead of being about 10 feet up above the pool, it was 40 or 50 feet up from the pool, and about 30 feet up above the lobby. The ladder down wasn’t accessible easily and I was afraid to try and climb down it for fear of falling

That is where my dream ended, with me trapped on the pillar, in an airport, above a pool 50 feet below (that I didn’t think was deep enough to dive into) having been desperately looking for a lost credit card that I finally found, but also now worried my parents were going to be mad at me for whatever reason.

Yes, it was disjointed and I am processing shit. I haven’t talked to her in 8 months and not much before then. I have just heard she got married a month ago, and then her husband passed away a week ago (unexpectedly). So undoubtedly it has a lot to do with hearing about her.

I have avoided talking about most of my issues with her, but honestly that is probably going to be done here at some point. My therapist is slowly digging into my family, and evidently I need to vent here.

Dreams

This morning I had a very horrific dream. It started out well enough, I was in some sort of school as a teenager (although with my current memories, and the fact I knew I was married to my wife). My siblings, and wife were all attending. It was one of those hugely large wooden structures with the old school wooden classrooms. There was some sort of lecture we were attending and eventually we had to go back to the dorms (we lived at the school).

Something shifted and I was working for an organization (illegal one) with my dad. I was still going to the school though. Unfortunately one of the teenagers had witnessed something and we had to remove the witness. I tried to talk my dad out of doing it and instead to let me to do it, but he insisted he didn’t want me to do this (my dad in the dream was the father of my childhood, younger, definitely more fit). After awhile I agreed and I set it up so he could remove the witness (16/17 year old male).

When that was done we found we couldn’t move the body, so we had to leave it in the bathroom. That freaked us both out, but we sort of bunkered down in another part of the school. Thats when we saw my little sister go into the bathroom. Next thing I know we here a small caliber pistol shot from the bathroom. I look over at my father and he had a horrified look that I knew I had as well. My first thought was she shot herself.

We raced up to the bathroom and went into the stalls. We opened the middle stall but she wasn’t in it. However, I saw a tiny hand on the floor under the next stall (she would have been 10-13 or so). The most clear thing about that scene was her hand was twitching. I raced to the next stall and stopped for a horrifying second. Then I kicked it open (it was locked) and she was laying there with blood running from the side of her head from a bullet wound. She heard me and moved her head looking at me. She was trying to say something and my last memory of the dream was reaching down, grabbing her tiny little body, picking it up and telling her “it will be ok, I will get you to a hospital”.

It was a pretty fucked up dream…..

Oh, and I was even more thrown off when I woke up because we turned our clocks back an hour last night.

Dreams 11-5-06

All last night I had a single long dream that began when I fell asleep and continued til I woke up at 6:30. I don’t remember some aspects (actually a lot of it) in the last 30 minutes since I woke up. I needed to take some time before I wrote it down because the ending of the dream really kind of freaked me out.

The short of it was that everyone I know was involved. It started like Ocean’s 11 or any other big organized theft. We were all involved in stealing something important, which we successfully did. For some reason a short time later we all decided to rip off a grocery store the same way. Just before we did it I told everyone to abort and I walked away from that (something was wrong). The strange part is that by the time this part of the dream was occuring it was almost like we were playing a table top game. I mean we were doing these acts with our hands, but it would be like we would declare what we were doing and then do it.

The only difference with my real life friends and family (and almost all of you that I know in real life was involved) was the fact that W seemed different. It was her, but she wasn’t actually human, just looked it (and I was ok with that). Well by the end of the dream W, my sister and some large creature were in our bedroom from the old Alabama apartment that W. and I shared before we got married.

It started when W.and I were sitting there talking. All of a sudden she looked up at me and said she loved me and she was sorry it had to happen, and that she would see me again. All of a sudden she sat down on the floor (it was wooden, not carpeted like it was in real life) on a sheet and then all of a sudden she started bleeding from wounds all over her body, while she was bleeding out she wrapped the sheet around her (much like a burial shroud). I was stunned for a moment then I see my sister step into the room and some sort of large creature with huge claws behind her. For some reason I know this creature did this to her and I stand up saying I am going to kill it. 

My sister steps in front of me and tells me she can’t let me hurt “him”. I pull my hand out of my pocket, point it like a gun (much like as kids we would make our hands into little guns) and I distinctly say “bang, bang, bang, bang” at my sister. I then point my finger at the creature, declare loudly “bang bang bang” and then I loudly declare like I was doing a table top game that I was going to chew through its neck until its head came off. 

I then look down (I didn’t see anything happen) and the whole front of my shirt is covered in blood, blood dripping out of my mouth and chin and I see the creature headless. I then notice my sister dying, her breaths coming pretty shallow from four bullet holes in her. I was pretty distraught, I apologized to her but told her I would have done it again if she got in the way of avenging W.

I then woke up feeling pretty shitty my wife died and I had killed my sister (whom I love very very much). This last part of the dream is what really made me forget the majority of the dream before the incident. 

It was kind of fucked up.

Frustrations

Well this wasn’t the update I wanted to post, but its funny how things happen so close together.

First let me say I know my family loves me, I love them, but they are by far one of the most dysfunctional groups I have ever known. Lets give you a brief recap of my family before I vent.

Parents: Father is a Vietnam Vet with a long prison/police record for violence(but for the record never sexual/physicall abused us, and the name calling only happend when he was drunk). In my early life he worked constantly and did well, my last 20 years or so he became unfortunately a raging alcoholic who after getting put away for a DUI has been sober (from alcohol) for over 2 years. My mother is a sweetheart, never did anything bad except a constant habit of asking for stuff from me, but thats easily satisfied, she has been a good mother albeit now she has diabetes and had a heart attack last summer (but the doctors were surprised no damage and they dont think she will have any more problems, and this was a serious only 20% live heart attack she had). Unfortunatley my parents have done/sold/excessed every drug known to man.

Sister: Loves me, I know it, has two kids (one feral one not, the not one I am sure will be gay when he is 16). Followed my parents footsteps, is an alcoholic, cant keep a job and really only calls me for help.

Brother: Same as sister except he sometimes shows remarkable clarity and wants to clean his life up, biggest problem is he is a lazy ass who doesn’t like to work.

By the way, in the 17 years I have worked on my own, I have never ever once asked my siblings for a dime, a ride or anything. NOT EVER. (and actually I have loaned my parents money 20 times more then I have ever gotten from them and same with rides/etc). Thats why this is so frustrating.

There is more about the family, but I realized that would take up way too much space.

So this morning I get up super early, my mom asked me to give her a ride over to the Salvation Army so they can pick up a chair, no problems, I don’t mind doing that at all. So I get up super early, call them at the time I am supposed to be there because I have this sinking feeling that they are on a “run” (non alcoholic, but on other things, not meth though). My dad answered the phone and immediately I know they are jagged and not going. He kinda rambles on about not needing me today and I quickly get off the phone because I hate talking to him when he is ramped up. My mom is asleep and she called later, everything is cool. So I got up early for nothing (albeit I have been working on MU’s backend and its going to fucking rock).

Ten minutes later I get a call from my sister. I was surprised and hopeful she just wanted to say hi. I should have known, her first words were, “Can I borrow $20 until tommorrow”. I normally would probably do it, she is good at paying back usually but I am broke. I told her so and she accepted it gracefully but I could tell she didn’t believe I was broke, so this frustrated me even more.

Five minutes after that I get a call from my brother. His first words are “What you doing today?” I explained that I am going to work (and I have a feeling he is going to ask for something). His next words are he needs me to come over and fix his computer. I tell him I would be happy to do that but it might be Saturday before I can come over (tonight when I get home from work I have to spend with wifey since she is off) and I am not sure if I will be able to make it over there later (he constantly nags me to give him things, fix his computer, etc and I just wasn’t sure when I wanted to commit to going over there since thats all he usually wants from me). He has a fit and asks why cant I come over there after work tonight, I try to explain but he is still having a cow. I ask him “are you paying me to do this?” because now I am feeling taken advantage of, and he starts throwing a bigger hissy fit. Now after the previous two phone calls and his fit throwing I lose my temper and say “fix it yourself” and hang up. Of course he calls back, wondering if we are going to work things out I answer and he says “fine I will” and hangs up.

So, all three of my blood-family groups have been fucktards today (although my parents less so – they didn’t say anything or do anything bad, they just didn’t follow through). Why is it the only family around me that doesn’t piss me off is my non-blood family whom I am feeling closer to then my blood.

on a side note, my mom just woke up and called me, my parents don’t intentionally fuck around, just sometimes they get too “involved” in partying and fuck up. Things are good with them, but this is all just so frustrating.

Never have I ever asked my siblings for anything, its that much more frustrating (not a dime, not a ride, nothing)