Family Drama (dream)

Last night’s sleep was a bit rough. I ended up waking up just before midnight and then fell back asleep to have some weird dreams. A lot of them I can’t remember, but the one I woke up from I do mostly.

I dreamt that Wolsey, myself and some other people were rummaging around an abandoned shop or restaurant. It might have been a fire hall now that I think about it. With us was someone who in the dream seemed to be my uncle on my dad’s side. He looked like a bit younger Sam Elliott (fifties or so) which is funny because my dad and Sam Elliott himself had a lot of similar looks to them… especially the ‘stache.

We had gone into one of the back rooms and found some bronze wall hangings. At some point in time, someone said it belonged to us and we shouldn’t lose it again. I told them I didn’t think it belonged to us, it belonged here in the place we were in. It matched with the same decoration and dedication as a photo that was hanging on the wall (for the life of me I can’t remember what the photo was, but it was important).

We dug around the abandoned place for a while and found a room with a large king-size bed. I was tired and was frustrated about something in the dream and I just fell on the bed and began to drift off to sleep… yes, sometimes I dream about going to sleep…

I wasn’t fully asleep, just listening to everyone when my uncle sat down on the bed and started grumping about me being in the middle. I was trying to regain enough consciousness so I could move over when he leaned over and started spinning me around in a circle on the bed to try and make more room. The whole time he was complaining that I probably wasn’t even asleep and that I was intentionally being a dick to him.

I opened my eyes in the dream almost immediately and he used that to exclaim even louder than I was intentionally fucking with him. I wasn’t. But for some reason, him doing that flipped me the fuck out and I shoved him off the bed. He stood up and I was on him shoving him up against a wall. I remember there was a little shelving set behind him that came up to almost his butt level. I was shoving so much that he was braced against it.

He wouldn’t look at me and he had shut down. The whole time I was screaming at him “Fuck you, I was sleeping you, fuckhead, I wasn’t lying.” I then shoved a couple more times but didn’t get any more physical with some intentionally thought. He did stop saying stupid shit.

It ended with me telling him that I might not be on testosterone anymore, but I sure as fuck would kick his ass with my weak ass arms (or something to that effect).

I woke up amped, angry and still not feeling bad I had lost my shit on a family member. It was also when I realized that it was the first time in a dream that I can remember that acknowledged my current life, that I was trans. It wasn’t wish-fulfillment where I thought I was a cisgender girl, and it wasn’t the old dreams I remember where I was either a guy or a monster. It was me as I currently was.

I don’t remember a lot of my dreams over the last couple of years. I posted about a couple of them but the last one I talked about and wrote about was in December 2018. I do know with my new injectable estrogen regimen that there have been a lot of physical changes, I suspect there has been a lot of mental changes as well (well chemically influenced at least). I also am finally feeling like this is my body.

That is one of the two important things I took away from this dream. That for the first time in my life, or at least since I was a teenager, I feel like I am in my body. I don’t feel like my body is done, it has a long way still to go, but it’s the first time I feel connected to it in my dreams as well as in reality.

The second important thing to take away from this dream is I have some unresolved family angst/drama/anger that I haven’t worked through. That is the only reason I can think of to have a fictitious uncle in the dream and why I was so angry at what really wasn’t that big a deal.

Honestly, I miss remembering my dreams, even if they can be incredibly bad nightmares (not this one). I hope this means I might start remembering them more. I like recording them and then looking back on them in future years.

Hubby Nightmares

I figure it is one thirty in the morning and I would relate what happens when my husband has nightmares.

He has these nightmares every so often. The external noises start off distant and scattered, some sort of faint noise coming from his throat as he sleeps. In the beginning I didn’t know what that meant, he was a small girl who doesn’t make a lot of sound (pretty much the exact opposite of me). Yet these screams would build up and becoming terrifyingly loud. Now after his transition the sounds aren’t any less bad, just a deeper tone.

The starting whimpering sounds are not pleasant. They come in waves actually, I have them figured out now. If I am not awake enough at the very beginning I am sometimes unable to move as they continue to grow louder. I end up panicking trying to move knowing it will be worse the longer I wait. They become this horrifying nightmare scream that totally fucks me up. The kind of sound someone watching something truly terrifying would make.

I immediately will lean over, rub his arm, hold him, kiss his head and reassure him and he whispers something like he loves me or something else small and rolls over to go to sleep. Usually that is it for the night, he sleeps and half the time he doesn’t even remember anything.

Yet here I am at 1:30am not going back to sleep at all because that noise freaks me the fuck out. His being in pain has always freaked me out and made it so I couldn’t sleep or do anything else but worry on him, but the nightmare sounds are the worst and I lay in bed terrified after waking him up and him going back to sleep.

The funniest part is sometimes he surfaces in his dreams after the nightmare and he doesn’t remember, he will pat me and ask me if I am ok or if I am sleeping well… My thoughts are usually “I was… til you had a nightmare”. I don’t say it though, but I do usually give him a hard time the next morning when I am looking exhausted and he is usually his normal self.

Insomnia, Anxiety and Sleeplessness

I can’t tell you why I was awake at 12:30am specifically. I am anxious, tired, pacing the living room trying not to wake my hubby. Of course today I have to audit an agency so it isn’t like I can just veg out in my office at work.

I don’t think its the audit itself either. I am almost done with my review before I even get there. They are religious in outlook, but I haven’t had any problems yet and I honestly enjoy that kind of thing.

I wonder though if its my hormonal fluctuations. My doctor is great, but when my test results came back for my estrogen and they were basically zero, she was out sick. Now that she is back she referred it to someone else and this is taking forever.

Been hormonal, anxious and all over the place… ya it is probably the hormones. Hopefully I can keep my shit together today, work the day and come home. I am disappointed in myself, I had meant to run the hubby some of his post-apocalyptic game when I got home last night, but I was so tired… yet I can’t sleep.

Stupid hormones…

First time in a long time

I was awoken this morning at 1:28am. It sort of caught me off guard really, I haven’t been woken up like this in a few months. Even now almost a half an hour later I am still disorientated. I even considered doing a video post, mainly because I never do, but I saw what I looked like and gave up on that.

The dream that woke me up is gone now. I am sure it was caused by a pile of different things, including work, parental items, meeting new people, and maybe just being old. Overall I am sure it is just another anxiety dream. Nothing new, but frustrating nonetheless.

The strange part to it really wasn’t the dream though. When I woke up I laid in bed for a little bit. I couldn’t move, but I swear I could hear things. Now, its fairly warm right now so our windows are on and we have fans all over the house going. But it sounded like someone was in our apartment and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Unfortunately I couldn’t get up either, the sleep paralysis hadn’t worn off all the way. So  I laid there wondering if someone was inside the apartment, or if the fan was carrying voices up from the under-apartment parking area (which happens all the time anyways).

It is funny though, for a brief moment I wondered if there were people in the apartment, if I would be able to move to stop them from taking stuff. Yet I still couldn’t work out of the sleep paralysis (I know it has a name, but I can’t remember it and evidently I can’t be bothered to google it). I also considered I could still be asleep enough that my mind was in a dream state while I was in a waking state (which is probably another way to say the sleep paralysis thing I guess). The one other thought that bothered me was maybe I was having a psychotic break and that what I was hearing wasn’t real at all…. that was a weird thought to have.

Well now that I have been up for 30 minutes things have mellowed out. I am in the living room listening to the rain fall, oh and the hamster running in his wheel thing. My anxiety or whatever it was has pretty much passed. So I will try and go back to bed for a few more hours of sleep, after having posted a useless entry 🙂

PS: its Hypnopomic or postormtal form sleep paralysis (I had to look it up here:


Long and Short Night

Last night I got about 4.5 hours of sleep. This was mostly due to some dreams. I can’t remember much.


My mother and I were taking a ferry somewhere, we ended up leaving the ferry and traveling a bit. At some point we were dropped off on a rather steep hill that was undergoing construction. There were these large trucks going by that were carrying huge pipes (as in several feet across or larger). I then got a radio call telling me that they were opening up the dam and to get to safety.

All I could worry about was how could I keep my mother safe from the flood. I figured we were on a very large hill (almost cliff like) so I took her over to a place where the cliff edge overhung the cliffside. We climbed into some holes in the side of the cliff away from the road. My thoughts were that the water would follow the road more (since it was carved deeper into the ground then the rest of the cliff) and any water that went over this cliff side would overshoot where we were. Of course in the dream I didn’t consider that the overhang may collapse on us.

We climbed into these holes and found there were some passages. At this point I then found myself on this tiny rowboat. The boat was up against these colossal steel doors in this gigantic resevoir, the resavoir was so large that I could only barely make out the shore. These huge doors opened up and I could feel the water behind me swell. All I could do was worry about where my mother was and I woke up shortly thereafter. The water dream had the same feeling of anxiety of the huge amounts of water.


Last nights gaming went really well I think. I am glad we started this campaign, the group is meshing (there are some rough waves on an interpersonal level, but that just makes the RP that much more fun). The successfully stopped a cult from making a sacrifice, killed some hyena skin changers and secured the Hyena teeth with hieroglyphs etched into them. We will play in two weeks again and I am already working on the next section. Hopefully some webpages will be up today or in the next couple of days at least.

I am now in the process of looking for replacement gamers. I have a few sources. About half my group tends to like to party on Saturday Nights, and are unavailable due to said partying. I am personally not a partier, any partying I might have wanted to do ended about 10 years ago. You really can only do that kind of partying and not look like the creepy old guy when your in your 20’s. Besides, I would rather have roleplay then drunks in my house so the partying is not an interest. I hope to gain one or two more players, we are almost complete (especially when  gets Saturdays off, then we can play noon to 7 or so on Saturdays) those one or two players will add enough extra people so we can keep playing even if someone is sick.

More to come later


I woke up this morning at 3:19am with some weird dreams.

The hubby and I owned a mobile home. Not the same one we owned in Bellingham, more of a single wide affair. The earlier part of the dream I can’t remember very well, it had to do with my mom’s sisters and my cousins. I do know in the dream I woke up from, I was sitting there chatting with [ profile] gelf_girl  and[ profile] heresyoftruth was cooking something just behind us when someone started pounding on the window looking into our living room (it was at the front door as well). It was my aunt Ardis, I think it was supposed to be my aunt Ines, but she looked more like Ardis. Along with her was my father (of about 20 years ago, the more aggro version). 

[ profile] heresyoftruth kept saying “don’t say anything, don’t let them know we are here”. Instead I opened the door and let them in. Thats when my aunt freaked out on me. It had something to do with her son (my cousin Mike) being fired because he was late to work. I kept saying back to her that it sounded like his fault. She just freaked out and started yelling at me. That is when I woke up.

I laid in bed for a little while, drifted in and out of sleep, but I was up by 4:20 with anxiety about worry for my dad. He had his neck surgery on Tuesday, everything is going well, but all of a sudden I got worried about him.

Yesterday I came home and the wife and I went to Broadway Pad Thai. It isn’t a bad little place, the food was great and it was awesome to eat out with the wife. We then went to Radio Shack and she got the necessary parts for “Project NO!! U!!!”  I picked up 3 used Xbox 360 games (I had a buy 2 get one free coupon). I ended up with Assassin’s Creed, Overlord, and The Darkness. I figured some used games will be good to tide me over until I can afford some of the biggre priced games, such as Dead Rising.

Other good news is we paid off one of our credit cards completely, we have managed to nick down about 4k in the last 2.5 months or so.Just two more cards to go and then we can focus on student loans and car payments. It also means more free money for us, that would be nice. We did splurge a little on the credit cards, but over 80%+ of the cards is comprised of my work/interview clothing and two different city moves (one was for fourty miles, one for 90, and an in town move, plus living on it for a month each time as we waited for first paychecks. Not bad on the debt or the paying back of it.

I am hoping if this works right we will get to go to Disneyland this spring and then maybe Australia this next fall. Heck, I think I would like to just have some extra money in our pockets.

Oh, and I am now trying to arrange to use some of my dentistry benefits before end of the year (where it refreshes). Get the teeth fixed up and maybe get some crowns or bridges if it works out.

Crap.. time to go to work.