Posted in Events Internal Thoughts Transition

ESD Update

I have been preparing last couple weeks for my upcoming FFS operation on 4/26 so while I have a ton of posts I want to talk about, things have been quiet. That is until today.

Today I was walking through Safeway when I saw an old coworker from the ESD. She worked in a different position in the department, but we both saw each other a lot and she was pretty fantastic. She had evidently left the ESD last month.

I hadn’t seen her since I had been fired, and we chatted for awhile. I asked about how things were after I left and if anything had been said. She just shook her head, not wanting to talk about it, but did say I should probably sue them.

It is nothing I didn’t expect. I knew they were two-faced to me after I was let go, and I knew they probably said things. However, she was able to give me enough extraneous details to know I was absolutely right and I found it really hurt my feelings again.

The hard part is logically I know it doesn’t matter what they say, they will never appear on a job application I put out, they are nothing. I have a hard time emotionally separating though. I believe when I work for someone they deserve 100% from me, and I know they have my back. Of course this isn’t true in white collar world (well in most of the world in general) but my youth around people who did believe in each other 100% sort of ill-prepared me.

So here I am frustrated, angry and saddened all by a job that I have let go, that had a much larger commute and paid me close to $30k less a year. I don’t want the job, it just hurts that they said vile things about me and my transition behind my back.

It is one thing to think they said it, another to have confirmation… today sucks. I will be back later today or tomorrow with a slew of posts to maybe cleanse the negative feeling I have right now.

Posted in Events Internal Thoughts Transition

First Time

Well it happened for the first time today, something was said about my transition in front of me in a negative way and it was at work.

I was stepping into an elevator and with four other guys who work somewhere on my floor but not in any of my areas. I noticed as I stepped in that they were all sort of staring at me, not a big deal, I know I am hot. I turned around facing the door and the words, “What the fuck is that” were uttered. 

It was pretty clear what was being said and why. I looked over and they were all looking away. I am sure whoever said it didn’t mean to say it aloud in my hearing but it didn’t matter. I had heard it.

The weird thing is I shut down immediately and just wanted to go home. This is not my normal reaction. Normally I will get mouthy, in people’s faces. Hell I have cornered other people in their van (while I was on foot) when they made a shooting gesture at my husband and got in their face. The just shutting down thing is not a reaction I would expect from me.

Problem is, I can’t prove which one said it and there is the off chance it is because of the clothing I am wearing (I definitely don’t worry standard business casual) but I know exactly why and I just wanted to go home.

I didn’t like that feeling at all. The rest of the day at work was great, but I didn’t feel great. The only other time that day was when I walked into the bathroom in front of someone and they immediately veered away, that was awkward but that has happened a couple of times.

I know this is the least I will have to put up with, and now that the initial shock to my system happen I think I will be fine in my reaction. However this has me totally reassessing what I want to do for a living. Working in close quarters in an office is going to be like this and that is fine.

I am just frustrated this shit was why I left the DoD, and funny enough I think this wouldn’t have happened in my actual office at this time because everyone knows me (it definitely would have happened at a minimum if I changed offices or went to training, let alone no work protections, so no regrets leaving anyways).

The funny thing out of all of this is I had one other occurrence happen a week or two ago. I was at the urinal and a guy stepped up using the one beside me and turned towards my chest. His eyes were at my boob level (and they are starting to be obvious) he stared at them for a few seconds. Then he went back to peeing and I never saw him again. I thought that was hilarious… but yesterday not so much.