Uncomfortable Insomnia with a bit of Panic Attack

Woke up with panic attack.

I realize this is bad form. I am posting out of order. I just had my surgeries three days ago and I am thrilled with the results. I look really good, I am incredibly happy, etc. However., that post will come later, now I am talking about how uncomfortable I woke up feeling this evening. I think I was dreaming as well, but I don’t remember it now.

My breasts hurt, well ache is probably more accurate. A deep deep ache as they are particularly large and are still moving into place. They said it takes a week or more for them to settle in their final position. They are awesome, but yep… still twinge and ache while I type.

The strap I have to wear on top of them is the most annoying and aching part. The boobs need a gentle but steady push downward to move them into place. That is what the strap does. I never realized how uncomfortable breast implants were… but totally worth it!

My face is even more painful. The cutting, stapling, moving of muscles, and a bit of lipo means it is swollen. I am incredibly excited by it, it makes me happy… especially my lips, but it aches, is swollen and still needs time to heal.

Mostly though I was uncomfortable due to the claustrophobia I felt at 1130pm. Since I have gotten out of surgery my head has been wrapped in one form or another. To be honest, most of the last three days have been a blur due to exhaustion and Percocet. I am taking less than prescribed and I think I finally woke up with that hurt catching up.

It didn’t help though that I can’t hear. That gave me a panic attack as well. My ears are pretty swollen, and on top of it they are wrapped up. This combined with my hearing deficit I am fairly close to deaf if I am fully wrapped up. The swelling on the ears caught me off guard, but even now I think they are better than three days ago.

I am fortunate, I can take off the wrap when I want, but I want the neck work to have the best chance to heal so I am leaving it on. I even have the stupid little support straps on right now to help keep it in place while I sleep.

I think the uncomfortableness also stems from not eating well for the last three days. Hubby has been feeding me, but no appetite (although a good point, no throwing up either). I have had very little caffeine intake, and until a few hours ago I hadn’t had any hormones for more than two weeks. I suspect this evening’s little wake up feeling like I was being suffocated is all of this, along with a slight panic attack.

I have always had a fear of suffocating. I woke up with that feeling compounded by being wrapped up as if buried alive. I totally get that I am full of hyperbole right now, but it is what I woke up with along with my normal night terrors/insomnia.

Now that I have spent 20 minutes trying to write this out I am more tired and less panicked. I will leave it at that, tired, hurting a bit, but happier than anyone else could ever imagine. Maybe I will watch some more Wu Assassins and fall asleep. I will come back tomorrow with all the pictures and stories about my surgery. The pictures are both awesome, and god awful, sort of like me.

Productive Day and Strange Week

This morning has already been extremely productive (and I haven’t even hit 9am here). I woke up at 5am bright and bushy. This is strange considering I have quit coffee and my tea isn’t the largest habit. I woke up, fixed myself some oatmeal, worked on my CPA study material for about an hour and then deleted almost 2,000 duplicate photos in my iPhoto. I then backed up my photos. At this point I turned on Burt Lancaster’s 1964 movie “The Train” because I felt in the mood for an old school World War II movie. I then got on my exercise bike and did 30 minutes there.  Then I showered and am now backing up the rest of my stuff and I should be good to go, all before 9am.

Earlier this week was a little strange. I have been working out in a county school district doing their annual audit. Wednesday I got to work and noticed two older high school girls standing outside the window. They were probably 16-18 range. The little blonde noticed and and walked up and knocked on the window. I looked up and she waved at me. I smiled back and waved. Something told me I had just done the wrong thing.

After the next period (I could hear the bells) the girl shows up with three of her friends. They all knock, wave and giggle. I am now uncomfortable. There is something very predatory about a gaggle of teenage girls. I have always been uncomfortable being looked at by teenage girls, first in high school because I was attracted to them and felt shy, now because I am old enough to be their dad and am even more weirded out (not for the same reason). The flirting then commenced for the next 2 hours. I ignored them and didn’t respond but they came by every break. One of the admin people at the office commented that something had the girls in a strange mood.

This eventually stopped when another auditor arrived (a woman) and they left me alone for the day. Of course  gave me a hard time. At least I am not stupid enough like many guys to think they liked me (nor would I want them to). Its just a pack of girls testing out social boundaries. However, this morning I hadn’t had caffeine and I wasn’t in the mood to be nice (but I wasn’t mean). As I walked up to the building with my laptop the blonde came running over. She started asking me questions but I shushed her and said I had a question. She stopped and a huge smile came across her face. I then asked her what lipstick she was wearing, she said something (but I have no idea what it was except red). I smiled at her and said thank you, that my boyfriend would really love that color.

I had never intended to say that, I was tired and wasn’t thinking and that came out of my mouth. She just stared at me for a second, then the howls of laughter started up from her friends behind her. The laughter wasn’t directed at me, it was directed at her. I had evidently won some sort of exchange (not sure what it was). I wandered into the building and haven’t seen hide nor hair of her the rest of the week. Part of me feels a little bad, but I don’t have the time to deal with it, and honestly last thing I need is someone else seeing me talk to a high school girl.

Other than that, everything has been going fairly well. I hear the wife moving around so I should go 🙂