I suspect my healing is back on track, had my first what turned out to be a nightmare in a while. I am sure it is a lot of stuff to unpack in awhile, but for now, I want to just get it out before I forget it.
The dream started with use having to arrange how we were going to handle the end of the world. Somehow it ended up that we knew the next Wednesday the world was going to end. It wasn’t a commonly known thing, but we had put into place a way to keep in communications with others (might be siblings or maybe friends I don’t see much). It felt like a possible zombie apocalypse or something to do with strange things running around. It was low-key enough starting that there was never a thought we wouldn’t be there at least at the beginning.
During the time running up to this we realized that we shouldn’t make the trips to wherever we were going to originally go, it was too risky after things started ending. Also, there were people we wanted nothing to do with involved. So we helped everyone prepare (both here and in Bellingham) but didn’t really explain to them our plans had changed, somehow we knew they were going to backstab us and we didn’t want to give them an opportunity.
The day before this was all going to happen we realized we had to go anyways. My parents were going to need help and we couldn’t leave them alone. I had even realized that they were dead at the start of the plans, and never realized they had mysteriously become not dead. There was nothing in the dream that even considered that fairly large inconsistency. Instead, I woke up freaking out that I had abandoned them accidentally.
There were a lot more details to this that faded. I couldn’t get up and write it soon enough, I just had to lay there in the dark and cry, trying to not wake up my husband. I realize it probably has to do with Father’s Day coming up, along with undergoing the surgeries, the meds, and the stress of transition without ever being able to call them and just have them listen to me and reassure me.
You are always told by society that when you grow up, that you won’t feel like a ten-year-old who just wants their mom and dad. It is a lie, and I know others have felt this way. I realize now as they are gone and I am older than of course, everyone will feel that way. Hell, my dad felt that way a few months before he passed. He told me how he missed his mom and she had been gone 30+ years.
But hey, this is the first time in a week I haven’t woken up scared my face was falling off to an infection, I do think its an improvement at least.