Just a quick update to say all my 2005 and 2006 posts from all my prior personal journals are up. I disconnected the share option when I uploaded them, but if you have my stuff on a newsfeed I am sorry I blew up your feed this morning.
This morning I tried on a cute little black top and I was shocked that I thought it looked cute on me. It was close enough fitting that you could see clearly my new boobs, mostly hugged my abdomen and it accented a girly waist. I guess the left over fat and skin around my abdomen helps in some cases, it gives me a waist when I wear clothes like that!
I was surprised and happy to realize it is pretty clear when I am wearing that, that I have lost 90lbs. First time in decades I didn’t look at that tight a fitting shirt and think I was way too fat to wear it.
I showed the hubby and we both agreed though that I was definitely “trans obvious” with my face at this stage of my transition. I think my body worked great in the shirt, but I don’t feel I have transitioned enough face wise to be comfortable wearing it to work. I might wear it to game if I feel good, but not work yet.
It is the first time that something that feminine felt right when looking at the mirror. I am not very accepting of my body and that had changed for the first time there. I considered wearing it, but I don’t think it is quite time to be that obvious at work. They would accept it, but it just didn’t look right yet and I would end up being uncomfortable the whole day. So I chose (barely) to not wear it. I am excited for the hormones to keep doing their thing and eventually the FFS.
I just thought I would share that it made my morning and gives me a little hope of what I might look ok on the other side.
I woke up so angry this morning, just furiously angry, that I had to quit the best paying job I had because there are so many people who are hateful bigots.
I want to be clear. I absolutely made the right choice leaving. I have never been happier with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I even think sometimes I look cute.
This is something that has never happened in almost 50 years of being a boy. Before my transition I HATED the way I looked at all times, although I didn’t know why for most of my life. I have shed in the last six months 90+ pounds of weight, without trying, because I was depression eating. I now sometimes enjoy shopping and I want to own things like clothing and to look nice. So the personal changes are good.
As for my job, I work with great people. I don’t mind my actual job duties at all, there is no excusing defense contractors from overcharging millions so there is more job enjoyment. Finally, I like being outside of Seattle. The less traffic is worth it, even with my bigger commute It is a non-financial net win, and I know that. Part of me just tells myself to shut up because my life is good.
That being said I still woke up incredibly angry that I had to take an $800 a paycheck pay-cut, and two less pay-checks a year (approximately $30,000 a year pay-cut). After taxes that difference would be able to pay for my FFS within one year without touching a dime of what I make now. In all fairness I am now paying about $1,000 a month less because I don’t live in Seattle, so it isn’t 100% negative financially for the move.
I guess I am just really upset I had to change my life because of who I am. I am absolutely happier now than I have ever been. It is 100% worth it. However I just felt very angry this morning I was forced to make those changes to do this. That I couldn’t just be who I was before. I guess I just woke up angry at Trumpian voters and that kind of mindset. Such hateful people.
I am just tired of hateful people, I suspect watching the news with our government and all the issues that are occurring is just making me feel a bit beaten down, or in this case super angry.
Although on a positive note I saw an outfit I want… that is still a very new feeling for me.
I have been very quiet for awhile now. Mostly because I started my new job, and with the much longer commute I have been tired and overly anxious. Well now I can give some feedback on it.
The money thing hasn’t hit me yet (or reduction of), but my boss and coworkers have all been really cool. I am slowly presenting more feminine, and since my two supervisors I work with (as the third supervisor) they are incredibly kind about it. My boss is totally supportive and constantly tells me to wear what I want, and not care about anyone else.
I am still not ready to do that yet. I start up my laser hair removal again next Saturday, then some electrolysis for the hard to get rid of hairs after that. Once I don’t have to worry that within three hours of arriving having so much whisker that it would destroy any ability to not get dysphoric.
I have a ton of subjects to talk about, but once again I am fairly exhausted and even this was a lot of effort, so I will get back to you all as soon as I can. Thanks for everything.
I am starting a new job today (one that knows I am trans and seems to accept it) so last night was filled with hard dreams.
I woke up from a dream this morning, around 2am. It involved me starting a brand new job in an office. It was incredibly regimented, and people were always freaking out. A coworker who sat next to me at another desk was a large black man who reminded me of my previous boss I just left (except she was a she).
He looked over at me and told me that I would have to take breaks at 1130am every day, no exceptions and it is required. I laughed my ass off at him at first and told him that isn’t true. He continued to demand it and I told him I am not “working at fucking mcdonalds” and you aren’t going to regiment me on every little thing I do.
At some point I stood up, told him to fuck himself he wasn’t my boss and we would be stepping up to the next person line of authority. That is where I woke up.
I can tell that relates back to two different people. The first was my previous boss. She wasn’t flexible on my start/end times. It was a silly rule because I couldn’t cover anyone else’s position (I am the only auditor in a group of accountants) and they couldn’t cover mine.
It was the ONLY white collar job I have had since graduating going on 11 years ago that isn’t flexible on start/stop times. The advantage of auditing is there is no customer service, and as long as you are in at a core set of hours (many times 9-2, or 9-3) they don’t care if you come in earlier or stay later then that to make your full day.
She also wouldn’t let me work extra hours on some days to make up for medical appointments on the other. There was a whole ton of other small things, but those are the big one (and I agree not the worst in the world), but my Oppositional Defiance personality has a hard time.
The other boss is from the DoD. He told me to do things that were not what I considered ethical in testing on a DoD Contractor. He didn’t want to deal with the problems I was finding. I told him no, I am pursuing it and he really didn’t have the authority to stop me since that was my actual job.
He kept pushing and pushing and griping. Eventually I told him we could go talk to the station chief to clarify it if he wants. He talked big about we don’t need to bother him, I just needed to listen to the doofus supervisor (himself). I stood up, told him to fuck himself eventually, said we are going into the manager’s office and he could decide.
The shocked look on that person’s face was priceless. We eventually went in (stormed is probably a pretty good word) and I laid out what I had found. The supervisor all of a sudden started backing down in front of our big boss. Big boss agreed with me and that was that.
Now I realize it seems weird I can tell my supervisor no, but that is because I am an auditor. As an auditor I am responsible as a professional to not veer my audit on outside pressure, that includes my supervisor if I feel we are not following “due diligence”. That was what was happening, he didn’t want to find more problems and I told him you can’t just stop looking when you find problems.
There are a lot of other small things like this, but that is why I like auditing. I can pursue problems I see and have upper management usually back me (now, whether they support it because the contractor has lobbyists is a different story, but above my paygrade and not something that was my issue).
There you have it, an anxiety dream taking two different incidents from my last two jobs to make me anxious for my new one.
I have noticed a whole slew of things that are different now that I am finishing my sixth month on hormones. The first is salt, and the second thing is boobs.
I have never liked salt very much. For 47 years I never added to my food, never cared for it separately, nothing. I have a great sense of taste and the taste of salt never made it better, just made it saltier.
Now over the last few months my sense of taste has changed drastically. I cannot pin down if maybe my eatings habits have changed so much with the 80+lbs weight lost, that things taste differently, or if hormones are causing it, but now I absolutely crave salt all the time.
I am serious, you could give me a salt lick for a treat and I would call it good.
This is a fairly recent change (along with liking spicey things as well, but that is a separate post). Now I crave salt on everything. I couldn’t tell you why, it doesn’t make any logical sense, but either my eating habit change or hormones gave me a 180 turn on salt.
My second observation today is my boobs. Yes, I am actually growing boobs. I will definitely still need implants, however they are as large as an a cup for someone not as tall/broad as me. They poke out and the hubby has announced I will need to get a camisole. That does make me happy.
However the weirdest thing has happened. As an example I was walking around the corner and the hubby scared the bejesus out of me. I leapt back and grabbed my boobs. No joke, I almost shrieked, grabbed my boobs in alarm and watched as he erupted into laughter.
That has NEVER been my reaction. I am not even sure why I grabbed them and held them. I am finding now that I tend to hold them when I am thinking or unsure of something. Also, it isn’t a sexy hold them. There is no sensuality when I do that, I don’t even notice it half the time. It just seems more comfortable.
I feel especially bad because I knew a couple of girls that did that when I was younger and I gave them a hard time about it. I didn’t understand why that was their reaction… now I do it. Maybe it is something subconscious I picked up as a boy, but I also wonder if its partially because there is something new on my chest (in the non-moob type situation).
So there is that, I evidently crave salt, and hold my boobs when scared or uncomfortable… No idea why, but I guess it works for me.
If anyone has any idea what that is about I would love to hear about it.
Well yesterday I made the first step of shedding my old look.
Since the weight loss started in March I have dropped from 300+ lbs down to 217 today in September. I feel good, I think I look a lot better (but I do feel I am not done), and because of this I have a LOT of clothing that I can’t wear.
Most of the clothing is my boy clothing of course, especially my work clothes. I have a ton of clothing that is just hanging out in boxes and bags because it won’t fit me. Yesterday we decided to get rid of the clothing, and not to keep it any longer “just in case”.
We will be giving my boy clothing to my younger brother. He doesn’t have a lot of good clothes anyways and I like being able to help him with what I do have. Combined I am giving away
- 14 T-Shirts
- 1 brand new suit (bought in march)
- 5 belts that are way too long and can’t be cut down.
- 5 long shorts
- 2 gym shorts
- 7 polo shirts
- 4 casual office pants
- 3 jeans
- 8 dress shirts
- 4 dress pants
- 1 pair of fatigues
- 1 sports jacke
This leaves me with a few bits of boy work clothing that are much smaller size (from waist size 46+ to now a 36, same with the shirts in reduction.
The surprising part is now I have to get rid of all my initial girl clothing as well, and that is the clothing that made me feel a tinge of worry and maybe regret. None of the boy clothing did that.
Don’t get me wrong, it is great I went down from that size, but it is still a little sad. Also, I will probably have to shop in plus size most of the time anyways no matter how skinny I get, since I am 6’2″+ tall.
So next month when I go up and see my brother I get to give him a new wardrobe. Both the hubby and I figure even if I gained weight back, I won’t be wearing those types of clothes by the time it happens anyway.
I am still working on my new wardrobe. The hubby is busily buying things for me as he finds them, and we are both surprised at the sizing getting smaller as we go. He says it is the first time in our 26+ year relationship (26 years married on Halloween, then a couple years before that) that I seem to enjoy getting clothes. I think he is right.
Overall the experience of shifting out clothes is distorted by my body changing shape. I have some pictures of me just in underwear from March of 2018 (what I looked like under the suit) vs now in September. However I don’t think I am ready to see that up here yet, it really makes me dysphoric.
The funny part about this is I couldn’t name why I hated myself so much before I decided to transition, but I truly did, and I still struggle a little now. Although it is getting less, and I am starting to like what I look like better. That is probably a whole entry by itself, but not today.
So there it is, I am making my first full step in shedding my old self, by packing up forever my old clothing. It is scary, but also pretty exciting.