Too Quiet

I have always known that I was not somebody who liked silence. Growing up, I would wake up in the middle of the night and wait for something bad to happen. The funny thing is I never had anything happen in silence, so to be honest, I don’t know where it specifically came from.

I just assumed it was hyperactivity or other ADHD-like things. I never could concentrate on things, I would always juggle multiple projects (and not get very far on any of them). I guess this is partially why I felt very much vindicated when I finally got a complete diagnosis a couple years ago.

While I do think that is part of it, I do have a more challenging time concentrating, especially when I have no meds on board and when it is quiet. That never explained my night terrors and nightmares when I, slept without a fan, tv, or radio. A fan works somewhat but is never as effective as the other two. The fan also causes problems, I have auditory processing issues with my hearing, and fans always end up sounding like someone talking or singing.

Lately, though I have been able to sleep better, to be honest, the transition has helped some (even if in some ways it’s harder with the shit I sometimes have to put up with), but transitioned definitely hasn’t cured it. Edibles do work fairly well. I normally would sleep 3-4 hours. With edibles, I get 6 on a good night; that extra 2-3 hours makes such a huge difference.

The increase in sleep has allowed me to reevaluate my sleeping health. I have noticed the last few months that sometimes leaving the tv on doesn’t help, but I couldn’t figure out why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t

I went to lay down this afternoon from our appointments today with the hubby. He leaves Minecraft videos on for me to sleep with. Lately, we’ve been leaving on long plays that are just the game, which is fine. However, I found if it has quiet background music with no human voice, it has the opposite effect. After a while, I will wake up with a lot of anxiety, and I realized today that I have an anxiety attack.

It is purely a trauma response, or at least that is what it seems like from therapy. I think it is the sound of voices that makes me not anxious or wake up worrying about every little thing I might have done or worrying about how many years left my friends and family will have left to live (I get weird fixations).

I do think I can trace part of it now, though. I didn’t have so much problem sleeping until I hit 15 or so. This changed as a normal teenager shift in needs, but mostly due to being homeless and in multiple dangerous situations.

The only time as a kid, but especially as a teenager and homeless with my family, I felt safe was when I could hear voices talking. It meant everything was ok, or at least everything was normal enough that I could rely on being awakened if something went wrong.

I always wonder if this is what it is like for soldiers with PTSD. I know my dad and his friends had similar issues, a lot of their trauma came from living in a jungle and waiting for the NVC to sneak in, so I can now understand better why they were like that. I also understand I went through traumatic things. Still, even with all the reasons for my issues that I would consider legitimate coming from someone else, for whatever self-hating reason I have, they seem like something I should just get over.

This is just a long-winded way of complaining I tried to nap beside my hubby, but after falling asleep for a few minutes (well, long enough for wattles LP to end), I woke up with a huge anxiety attack.